Groaners

[SisJackson]

Another musician joke:


What's the difference between a drummer and a large pizza?


The pizza can feed a family of four.

[Schmoopie3928]

Did you hear about the dyslexic Agnostic??
He kept wondering if there is a Dog

My mom is a member of DAM: Mothers against Dyslexia.

What do Eskimos get of they sit on the ice too long??
Polaroids!

Why do Gorillas have big nostrils??
Becasue they have big fingers!!

Ba dum dum Crash!

Thank you! Don't forget to tip your waitress!!

[Bratski]

In my area we make jokes about Newfies (people from Newfoundland & Labrador) the way Americans make redneck jokes. These are my favourite ones:

A Newfie saw his buddy driving a new cherry red convertible and flags him down. "Geez bye how did you get that rig?" he asked. His buddy replied "Well it was the darnedest ting. I was walkin' out of the bar when this pretty blond woman pulls up and tells me to git in the car. I hops in and we drive off. We got to the bluff and she turned to me, pulled offa her drawers, trew them inna back and said "All right Newfie, you can have anything you want.......

Why did the Newfie show up naked at the party?
The hosts told him he didn't have to dress for dinner.

How do you get a one armed Newfie out of a tree?
Wave at him.

How do you confuse a Newfie?
Put in him a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.

What is the definition of a Cape Bretoner?
A Newfie who went broke on the way to Ontario.

[LadyClaire]

A police officer in Texas sees a man walking through town wearing nothing but boots, a gun, and a cowboy hat. He pulls up alongside him and says "Hey, mister! You can't walk around town naked! What the heck are you doing?"

So the cowboy says "Well, I met this pretty woman in a bar, and she took me back to her apartment. She told me to take off my pants, so I did. Then she told me to take off my shirt, so I did. Then she told me to take off my underwear, so I did, and then she stripped herself naked and got on the bed and said 'Now go to town, cowboy!' So here I am."

[Seraphim]

A man sees a red-neck walking down the road with a sheet of roofing tin in one hand and a carton of beer in the other.

The first man askes the redneck what he is doing. The redneck replies "the wife n me have split" .

The first man says "well thats all well and good, but it doesn't explain what you are doing walking down the road with a sheet of tin and a carton"

The redneck replies "well she got the kids and me truck, but I got the house and contents!!"

I crack myself up 

[DangerMouth]

Math Joke!

Q. What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountian goat?
A. Nothing. (the prduct af a vector and a scaler is zero)


NAAAAAMES:

What do you call a girl with a wooden leg?
Peg.

What do you call a girl with one leg?
Ilene.

And If she's Japanese?
Irene.

What do you call the guy hanging on the wall?
Art.

What do you call the guy lying in front of the door?
Matt.

What do you call the guy with no arms and no legs in the pool?
Bob.
.................

There was an African king who lived in a beautiful castle made of grass.  In that house was his prize possession, a golden throne. One day, he got word that the neighboring king was planning to invade and steal the throne.  The king decided to hide the throne in the attic.  As luck would have it, the ceiling collapsed under the weight and the throne hit the king on the head and killed him. Moral?  People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.



Ba-da-Bing!

Thanks, I'll be here all week, don't forget to tip your waitress!

[JonGirl]

Ok one more.

Two sardines went missing in Far North Queensland.
They were later found in Cairns.

[Schmoopie3928]

What do you call a guy in a pile of leaves?
Russell

Two guys on a windowsill?
Curt 'n' Rod

 

[Silversurfer]

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
It fell.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
It was attached to the first monkey.

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
It was playing follow the monkey.

Why did the fourth monkey fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure

[Ferrets]

(Mildly risqué.)

An elderly couple, Margaret and Charles, are holidaying in California. Charles always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, and wears them home.

He struts proudly into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looks him over, and shrugs. "Nope."

Frustrated, Charles storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looks up and says: "Charles, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

"And do you know WHY it's hanging down, Margaret?"

"Nope."

"IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"

Margaret sighs and says, "Shoulda bought a hat, Charles. Shoulda bought a hat."

[DangerMouth]

OK, that one made me laugh!

[Outdoor Girl]

4 buddies are out playing a round of golf.  One of them says to the others, 'Wouldn't it be great if we could play a round on Christmas Day?'

They all agree to do everything they can to make it happen.

Come Christmas morning, all four of them are at the golf course.  The first guy says, 'Yeah, my wife is admiring her new diamond ring that I got her so I could be here.'  The second guy says, 'My wife is pouring over the brochures for the vacation I told her we'd take so I could be here.  The third guy says, 'My wife is reading the owner's manual for her new car!'

The fourth guy looks at his buddies like they are all crazy.  'I rolled over, slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well, babe.  Is it golf or s3x?'  She said to take a sweater.'

[Wonderflonium]

I'm reviving this thread because I want to hear more!

Guy walks into a bar. Ouch.

Be alert. The world needs more lerts.

[T'Mar of Vulcan]

I'm reviving this thread because I want to hear more!

Okay, then:

Johnny was very upset that he couldn't go to his friend's birthday party. His mother asked him why he couldn't go. Johnny wailed, "Because the invitation says six to eight and I'm nine!"

 

[Cydrius]

You're trapped in a room with a lion, a tiger, and a door to door salesman. You have a pistol with two bullets. What should you do?

Shoot the salesman. Twice.

(No offense to salespeople. )