Groaners

[Seraphim]

What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A dang good start.


(no offense to Lawyers)

[Wonderflonium]

A rich potato family (go with me here) is watching the news. The daughter thinks the male anchor is the most handsome spud she's ever seen and declares that she wants to marry him. Her father responds, "You can't marry him! He's just a common 'tater!"

[VorFemme]

Slight rewrite of one I told for the first time in 2000.

The real difference between men and women is this - if they think that a blue diamond is going to improve their luck in bed - the men think that the best course of action would be going to the pharmacy and the women think that the best course of action would be going to a jeweler*. 

(I'd watched the movie with Marilyn Monroe singing "Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend" earlier that week........)

*the jeweler could sell them a wedding band, an egagement ring, or possibly a diamond bracelet for a wife who feels under-appreciated - although it depends on the woman - some might prefer a new top of the line sewing machine, a large gift card to a bookstore, or even season tickets to the theater with her SO going with her to dinner & a show.

[Delia DeLyons]

     What did the Cannibal Wife give her Cannibal Husband when he showed up late for dinner?


     The cold shoulder 

[Delia DeLyons]

     Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married...

     
     ...the ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!!

     

[Delia DeLyons]

     My father's favorite joke:

     What's the definition of a farmer?

     A Man Outstanding in his Field

       

[Seraphia]

My Dad's very favorite. Delivery is EVERYTHING on this one.

You know how, when you see a bunch a of geese flying, and they're always in that V shape? Have you ever noticed that when they're in that V shape, one side of the V is always longer than the other? You wanna know why that is?







There's more geese on that side.

[Morticia]

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in shark infested waters?
Chum.

[Wonderflonium]

My Dad's very favorite. Delivery is EVERYTHING on this one.

You know how, when you see a bunch a of geese flying, and they're always in that V shape? Have you ever noticed that when they're in that V shape, one side of the V is always longer than the other? You wanna know why that is?







There's more geese on that side.

That is so my kind of joke!

[Namárië]

I am so happy this thread was revived! I LOVE these kinds of jokes!!! I am rereading this thread and cracking up all over again!

[Slartibartfast]

Finally found my list of pirate-themed jokes

Why are pirates called pirates?  They just ARRRRRRR!

Where did the one-legged pirate go for breakfast?  IHOP

A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head.  The bartender notices this, and asks "Why are you wearing a paper towel?"  "Arrr . . ." says the pirate.  "I've got a Bounty on me head!"

What do you call 1000 pirates in a room?  Avast conspiracy!

Where did the pirate go to college?  HAAAAAAARvard!

What do pirates from Boston say?  AHHHHHHHHH!

What do a pirate and a bachelor have in common?  They're both lookin' for booty!

What do you get if you cross a pirate and a ninja?  A ninjARRRRRRRRRRR!

What do you call a pirate that skips class?  Captain Hooky!

There once was a pirate who wanted to be a Private Eye.  Unfortunately, he was blind.  So he became a privateer!

How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced?  A buck-an-ear!

Where do you find very few pirates?  The ARRRRRRRctic!

What does a pirate say when he has a heart attack?  "Arrrr, me heartie!"

What does a dyslexic pirate say?   RAAAAAAAAAAAA!

[hobish]

The Boston one took me a sec. I love it.

[Ferrets]

Finally found my list of pirate-themed jokes

And I, for one, am thankful for it.

My favourite truly terrible pirate joke:

A young lad got talking to an old pirate, who had an eye patch, a wooden leg, and a hook instead of one hand. Curiously, he asked how the pirate lost his leg.

"Arrrrrrrr, we was at sea, we was, in rough seas, and this gurt huge shark leapt onto the deck, and before I knew it, he was off with me leg."

The youngster was horrified. He said, "That's terrible! Terrible! But how did you lose your hand?"

"Arrrrrrrr, we was at sea, we was, and we was boarded by enemy pirates. I fought hard, but in the midst of it this huge buccaneer sliced off me hand."

"My God," said the young man. "What a dreadful misfortune. But how did you lose your eye?"

"Arrrrrrrr, we was at sea, we was, on a beautiful day. I was lookin' up at the sky when a fat seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye."

"Great Scott," said the youngster. "I had no idea that seagull faeces was so corrosive!"

"Narrrrrrrr," said the pirate. "Was me first day with the hook."

[Moray]

What's the difference between?
    between what?
I'm not giving any hints.

My father's favourite joke was similar:

What is the difference between a duck?
One foot is both the same.

and along those lines:

What do a duck and a baseball have in common?
They both can't drive a tractor

[Shea]

My grandmother has mild dementia and thus tends to forget things like what she said five minutes ago. She tells this joke at least once every half hour when people are visiting. Though it must be said she tells it quite well.

A fellow had a female parrot which was always saying "I'm a bad girl, and I want to have a good time!" It was very embarrassing. One day the fellow mentioned the problem to his pastor. The pastor said, "Well, I have two male parrots, and they're always reciting prayers. Why don't you bring your parrot over for a few days? Maybe she'll pick up some prayers from my parrots." So the fellow brought his parrot over to the pastor's house. As soon as he carried her in the door, the parrot piped up, "I'm a bad girl, and I want to have a good time!" The pastor's parrots said, "Our prayers have been answered."

And yes, it is a bit weird to hear your 86-year-old grandmother doing "seductive female parrot" voice.