Author Topic: Groaners  (Read 23547 times)

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POF

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #165 on: March 23, 2011, 06:24:28 PM »
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
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Fish.


Love it !

Thipu1

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #166 on: March 24, 2011, 10:49:46 AM »
Here's a version of one that Brian Nolan published in the Irish Times many decades ago.  It may be a bit long but it's a goodie.

A military historian and an authority of fine wines were great friends.  they decided to exchange Christmas gifts and spent time looking for just the right thing.

The military historian managed to locate a bottle of rare wine his friend had often mentioned but never had been able to find.

The wine authority stumbled upon something wonderful for his friend.  It was a printed account of the Battle of Marengo with a half-dozen marginal notations in the handwriting of one of Napoleon's officers who had been involved in the engagement. 

The gifts were exchanged at a Christmas lunch and both men agreed that the presents were perfect.  After all, it was an exchange of a six-glass bottle for a six-gloss battle.   

Bijou

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #167 on: March 27, 2011, 09:57:13 PM »
One courtesy of my library kids: Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?  Fo'drizzle.

I'm sorry to say my rap culture is very, very small.  I don't understand this one.  My age is showing  :-[
Oh, good.  Then I'm not alone. Hmmm, there has to be a joke somewhere attached to the front of that line.  I once made a cartoon of a big bank safe in the "Garbo National Bank".  There was a voice coming from inside the vault saying, "I vahnt to be a loan...I vahnt to be a loan....".   ::)
I've never knitted anything I could recognize when it was finished.  Actually, I've never finished anything, much to my family's relief.

Bijou

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #168 on: March 27, 2011, 10:04:55 PM »
Mods you can delete this if you want to.  I am censoring it in case I shouldn't say it.  I just made it up today and my dh laughed so I know it must be a groaner.
What is another name for a boobytrap?  A Bra.
I've never knitted anything I could recognize when it was finished.  Actually, I've never finished anything, much to my family's relief.

baglady

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #169 on: March 27, 2011, 10:34:31 PM »
One courtesy of my library kids: Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?  Fo'drizzle.

I'm sorry to say my rap culture is very, very small.  I don't understand this one.  My age is showing  :-[
Oh, good.  Then I'm not alone. Hmmm, there has to be a joke somewhere attached to the front of that line.  I once made a cartoon of a big bank safe in the "Garbo National Bank".  There was a voice coming from inside the vault saying, "I vahnt to be a loan...I vahnt to be a loan....".   ::)

There was an actual bank ad (print) I saw years ago that said, "We have money that wants to be a loan!"

Why did Greta Garbo sprinkle grass seed in her hair? She wanted to be a lawn.

"Fo' drizzle" is a play on "Fo' shizzle," which is rapperspeak for "for sure":

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=fo%20shizzle



My photography is on Redbubble! Come see: http://www.redbubble.com/people/baglady

Julia Mercer

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #170 on: March 28, 2011, 07:21:34 PM »
Thanks everyone for the laughs, after the day I've had, I needed the smile!

Jules

Slartibartfast

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #171 on: March 29, 2011, 10:22:56 AM »
Bijou, I like that one  ;D

Teabouv

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #172 on: March 29, 2011, 11:54:18 AM »
Man walks into a psychiatrist office wearing only plastic wrap. The psychiatrist says "well I can clearly see you're nuts"

POF

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #173 on: March 29, 2011, 12:17:06 PM »
HAHAHAHHA

Will have to tell that to the boys !

Delia DeLyons

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #174 on: March 29, 2011, 12:53:58 PM »
(Mildly risqué.)


.....

Margaret sighs and says, "Shoulda bought a hat, Charles. Shoulda bought a hat."

     I have retold this joke many times since reading it here and it gets terrific laughs everytime!  Thanks Ferrets!!!!!!!    ;D
Once in a while you get your delight, in the strangest of faces if you look at it right...

JadeAngel

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #175 on: March 29, 2011, 09:54:32 PM »
Sister Agatha and the Mother Superior are driving down the road late one night in Transylvania when all of a sudden a vampire lands on the hood of their car, baring his fangs and hissing menacingly.

Sister Agatha turns to the Mother Superior who is driving and says 'Oh Mother Superior whatever shall we do?'
Without taking her eyes off the vampire on the hood the Mother Superior replies 'Quick Sister Agatha, show him your cross!'

'Oh of course,' says Sister Agatha, winds down the window, leans out and yells

'Hey %$^hole get the &%*& off the car!'


WolfWay

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #176 on: March 30, 2011, 12:27:46 AM »
Sister Agatha and the Mother Superior are driving down the road late one night in Transylvania when all of a sudden a vampire lands on the hood of their car, baring his fangs and hissing menacingly.

Sister Agatha turns to the Mother Superior who is driving and says 'Oh Mother Superior whatever shall we do?'
Without taking her eyes off the vampire on the hood the Mother Superior replies 'Quick Sister Agatha, show him your cross!'

'Oh of course,' says Sister Agatha, winds down the window, leans out and yells

'Hey %$^hole get the &%*& off the car!'
That's my favourite joke of all time.

My second favourite is this one:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, and after finishing their dinner they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

 "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

"Watson, you idiot!" he exclaims, "Somebody's stolen our tent!"
It's best to love your family as you would a Siberian Tiger - from a distance, preferably separated by bars . -- Pearls Before Swine (16-May-2009)

WolfWay

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #177 on: March 30, 2011, 12:28:43 AM »
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?".

The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"
It's best to love your family as you would a Siberian Tiger - from a distance, preferably separated by bars . -- Pearls Before Swine (16-May-2009)

Petticoats

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #178 on: March 30, 2011, 05:32:44 PM »
Digging up the thread in which Cemetery Gates described her amazing wedding in Oakland Cemetery (and how cool a wedding idea is that?!) reminded me of my Oakland Cemetery story.

Many years ago, I went on a pilgrimage to Oakland Cemetery with a friend who, like me, is a big fan of Margaret Mitchell and Gone With the Wind. (Not much of a pilgrimage for me, since I live just a few miles away, but anyway.) We wanted to visit Margaret Mitchell's grave and leave roses on it (awwww).

We went to consult the sexton, or whatever cemetery dignitary he was, as to where to find the grave. My friend Janet asked very earnestly, "Sir, can you tell us where Margaret Mitchell is buried?"

He said, "In the ground."

...

He did in fact relent and give us proper directions. We couldn't help wondering how often he got the opportunity to make that joke.

Miss Misery

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #179 on: March 30, 2011, 06:06:55 PM »
Q: What's the difference between Edward Cullen and a three-year-old problem child?
A: One is a whiny, clingy, arrogant, selfish brat who throws tantrums and always has to have his way. The other is three years old.

Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Let's go ride bikes!

Q: What do you call a fly without wings?
A: A walk.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To prove to the possum it could be done.
« Last Edit: March 30, 2011, 11:39:33 PM by Miss Misery »