Author Topic: Groaners  (Read 22177 times)

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T'Mar of Vulcan

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #210 on: June 16, 2011, 03:12:31 AM »
My favourite blonde jokes:

What's the mating call of the blonde?
"I'm soooo drunk!"

What's the mating call of the desperate blonde?
"Hey! I said I'm drunk!"

What's the mating call of the brunette?
"All the blondes have gone home!"

What's the mating call of the redhead?
"Next!"

 ;D

I also like this one:

A blonde and a brunette living in Jo'Burg are discussing which is further away, the moon or Cape Town. The blonde says obviously it's Cape Town. The brunette disagrees, but the blonde says, "Well, can you see Cape Town from here?"


The only Vulcan from South Africa! :)

JonGirl

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #211 on: June 16, 2011, 07:01:46 AM »
My favourite blonde jokes:

What's the mating call of the blonde?
"I'm soooo drunk!"

What's the mating call of the desperate blonde?
"Hey! I said I'm drunk!"

What's the mating call of the brunette?
"All the blondes have gone home!"

What's the mating call of the redhead?
"Next!"

 ;D

I also like this one:

A blonde and a brunette living in Jo'Burg are discussing which is further away, the moon or Cape Town. The blonde says obviously it's Cape Town. The brunette disagrees, but the blonde says, "Well, can you see Cape Town from here?"


You win!!   ;D  ;D  ;D
Stewart/Colbert '16

Hollanda

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #212 on: June 16, 2011, 09:57:51 AM »
I eat my peas with honey
I have done all my life
It makes my peas taste funny
But it keeps them on the knife.
(Anonymous)

---
Yesterday, upon the stair,
I met a man who wasn’t there
He wasn’t there again today
I wish, I wish he’d go away...

When I came home last night at three
The man was waiting there for me
But when I looked around the hall
I couldn’t see him there at all!
Go away, go away, don’t you come back any more!
Go away, go away, and please don’t slam the door... (slam!)

Last night I saw upon the stair
A little man who wasn’t there
He wasn’t there again today
Oh, how I wish he’d go away

(Anon)

The nonsense poems tickle me.  It might explain why I knew the script to "Green Eggs and Ham" by Dr Seuss when I was 3. :(

Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.


PeasNCues

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #213 on: June 16, 2011, 10:10:41 AM »
That's okay, though. I knew Go, Dogs, Go!
'I shall sit here quietly by the fire for a bit, and perhaps go out later for a sniff of air.  Mind your Ps and Qs, and don't forget that you are supposed to be escaping in secret, and are still on the high-road and not very far from the Shire!' -FOTR

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sisbam

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #214 on: June 16, 2011, 10:54:18 AM »
One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish and Hop on Pop

JadeAngel

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #215 on: June 21, 2011, 01:19:16 AM »
What does a blondes father say to her when she's going out to a party?
If you're not in bed by midnight come home...



A blonde, a Brunette and a Redhead are at the gym. They're in the changing room when the gym instructor walks in and says 'See that mirror, it's magical. You stand in front of it, make a wish, and say something about yourself. If it's true you get your wish, if it's not you get sucked into the mirror for all eternity.'

The brunette goes and stands in front of the mirror, closes her eyes, and then says 'I think I'm the smartest girl in this room'... there's a ringing sound from the mirror and then the brunette checks her bank balance on her mobile phone and goes skipping out of the room.

The redhead goes and stands in front of the mirror, closes her eyes, and then says 'I think I'm the sexiest girl in this room'... there's a ringing sound from the mirror and the redhead goes to the window to see a brand new porsche sitting in the parking lot and goes skipping from the room.

The blonde looks around and says 'Wow, this really works!' So she stands in front of the mirror, closes her eyes and then says 'I think...'

And she's immediately sucked into the mirror!

Julia Mercer

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #216 on: December 12, 2013, 12:41:56 AM »
I know this thread is old, but I couldn't resist this one

What goes clippity clop, clippity clop clippity clop BANG, clippity clop, clippity clop, clippity clop?

An Amish drive by shooting

Diane AKA Traska

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #217 on: December 12, 2013, 07:06:16 AM »
 :o

Is this really the first post in two and a half years?!

I remember this thread... oh my...
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cwm

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #218 on: December 12, 2013, 11:34:10 AM »
OH bless you all for reviving this. I needed fresh blood in my bad jokes file at home. And now, some submissions for careful consideration.


What's the difference between an orchestra and a bull?
A bull has the horns up front and the butthole in the back.


A girl went on a date with a trumpet player. She came back and her roommate asked her how it was. "Oh, his kisses were so tight and dry, not good at all." The next night she went on a date with a tuba player. She came back, and again her roommate asked her how it was. "His kisses were so sloppy, it was just disgusting." The next night, she went out with a french horn player. She came home and her roommate again asked her how it was. "Well, his kisses weren't so bad, but I loved how he held me."


When I get home tonight I'll have so many more.

GlitterIsMyDrug

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #219 on: December 12, 2013, 11:43:20 AM »
Three guys walks into a bar. The fourth one ducks.

Slartibartfast

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #220 on: December 12, 2013, 05:09:51 PM »
How many proofreaders does it take to change a lightbulb?  Too.

readingchick

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #221 on: December 12, 2013, 05:27:07 PM »
I know this thread is old, but I couldn't resist this one

What goes clippity clop, clippity clop clippity clop BANG, clippity clop, clippity clop, clippity clop?

An Amish drive by shooting

Alternate punchline: A drive-by shooting on Mackinac Island

CrochetFanatic

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #222 on: December 13, 2013, 03:47:18 AM »
This is one of my dad's favorite jokes/stories.



John went to visit his old grandfather in a secluded area of Georgia. After chatting all night John’s grandfather made a breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film on his plate, and questioned his grandfather, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "They’re as clean as cold water can get them. Just finish your meal!"

For lunch John worried that the plates had dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

The old man said, "I told you those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now I don’t want to hear any more about it!"

Later that afternoon, as John was leaving, his grandfather’s dog started to growl, not letting him pass. John yelled, "Grandfather, your dog won’t let me get to my car."

The old man shouted, "Coldwater, go lie down!"

Liliane

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #223 on: December 14, 2013, 03:03:34 AM »
Long one, but a good'un...

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "You got any grapes?"
Bartender says "No, we don't serve grapes here."
Duck says "Oh" and walks out.

Duck walks in the next day. "Got any grapes?"
Bartender says "I already told you, we don't serve grapes here."
Duck says "Oh" and walks out.

Duck walks in the next day... "Got any grapes?"
Bartender gets mad and starts shouting. "I've told you for the past two days that we don't serve grapes here! If you come in here and ask me that again I'm going to nail your beak to the floor!"
Duck walks out...

Duck walks in the very next day. "Got any nails?"
"Nope."
"Got any grapes?"

;D
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VorFemme

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Re: Groaners
« Reply #224 on: December 14, 2013, 03:19:39 PM »
What do you call a man who doesn't argue about seeing a doctor after he falls off the roof?



Unconscious.

(In memory of VorGuy falling off a roof & refusing to see a doctor for three days.  If anyone wonders - the doctor chewed him out quite adequately for "failure to take proper care of government equipment - i.e. HIMSELF. His elbow now lets him know when the weather is going to change...)
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I say more?