News: IT'S THE 2ND ANNUAL GUATEMALA LIBRARY PROJECT BOOK DRIVE!    LOOKING FOR DONATIONS OF SCIENCE BOOKS THIS YEAR.    Check it out in the "Extending the Hand of Kindness" folder or here: http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=139832.msg3372084#msg3372084   

  • October 21, 2017, 08:24:19 PM

Login with username, password and session length

Author Topic: Professional Darwinism: Update to OP on p.74  (Read 3620278 times)

0 Members and 3 Guests are viewing this topic.

Twik

  • Member
  • Posts: 28826
Re: Professional Darwinism: Update to OP on p.74
« Reply #3675 on: May 17, 2013, 11:08:45 AM »
I don't buy that you could "make" someone crazy in that particular way. Maybe exacerbate it, but unless he's feeding her drugs, that sort of aggressive mentality doesn't seem to be something you'd be pushed into.
My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

Elfmama

  • Member
  • Posts: 4595
  • Derailing threads since 2001!
Re: Professional Darwinism: Update to OP on p.74
« Reply #3676 on: May 17, 2013, 01:35:53 PM »
I don't think you can either, Twik.  It's a common defense mechanism by family members, though; blaming another person, often a partner, for things that they see as dysfunction. 

MIL blamed me for 'turning her son against his family' because DH didn't write much to her on his first deployment.  We weren't even married yet; I was in Texas, and he was in Alaska.  And it couldn't possibly have to do with the fact that MIL was a controlling Female Dog with some sort of personality disorder herself, could it?

My cousin is paranoid schizophrenic; that branch of the family believed that it was the fault of a gay man who made a pass at cousin.  Worrying that he was "that way" drove him crazy, they say.  ::)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Common sense is not a gift, but a curse.  Because then
you have to deal with all the people who don't have it.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Shalamar

  • Member
  • Posts: 300
Re: Professional Darwinism: Update to OP on p.74
« Reply #3677 on: May 17, 2013, 02:37:13 PM »
Hey, ElfMama, you and I have the same mother-in-law!   I'm positive that she blames me for the fact that her son (my husband) doesn't contact her or spend time with her as often as she'd like.  The fact that she's cold and unloving couldn't possible have anything to do with it.   Two stories that come to mind are:

- When she celebrated her 65th birthday a few years back, my sister-in-law gave a speech that included "Even though you rarely told us you love us, we know that you do ..."   I was horrified and asked my husband "Is that true?"  He said sadly "Yup."

- A while ago she was being honoured by the Order of the Eastern Star, and she insisted on all four of her children joining her on-stage for her speech.  She said "I'd like to thank my children for being here - (First Daughter's Name), (Second Daughter's Name), and (Second Son's Name)."  She completely forgot my husband, who just happened to be her FIRSTBORN.   :o   When her children gaped at her in horror, she said hastily "Oh, and of course (First Son's Name)." 

Kariachi

  • Member
  • Posts: 227
Re: Professional Darwinism: Update to OP on p.74
« Reply #3678 on: May 17, 2013, 02:47:32 PM »
Hey, ElfMama, you and I have the same mother-in-law!   I'm positive that she blames me for the fact that her son (my husband) doesn't contact her or spend time with her as often as she'd like.  The fact that she's cold and unloving couldn't possible have anything to do with it.   Two stories that come to mind are:

- When she celebrated her 65th birthday a few years back, my sister-in-law gave a speech that included "Even though you rarely told us you love us, we know that you do ..."   I was horrified and asked my husband "Is that true?"  He said sadly "Yup."

- A while ago she was being honoured by the Order of the Eastern Star, and she insisted on all four of her children joining her on-stage for her speech.  She said "I'd like to thank my children for being here - (First Daughter's Name), (Second Daughter's Name), and (Second Son's Name)."  She completely forgot my husband, who just happened to be her FIRSTBORN.   :o   When her children gaped at her in horror, she said hastily "Oh, and of course (First Son's Name)."

Auntie?
"Heh. Forgive our manners, little creature — that we may well kill and eat you is no excuse for rudeness."

Twik

  • Member
  • Posts: 28826
Re: Professional Darwinism: Update to OP on p.74
« Reply #3679 on: May 17, 2013, 02:57:41 PM »
My mother tells the story about my great-uncle's golden anniversary party. He stood up and made a speech about how happy he was to have spent 50 years with the woman he loved. My great-aunt burst into tears, and couldn't stop.

When asked why, she said, "This is the first time he's ever said he loved me."
My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

Barney girl

  • Member
  • Posts: 340
Re: Professional Darwinism: Update to OP on p.74
« Reply #3680 on: May 17, 2013, 03:15:43 PM »
Hey, ElfMama, you and I have the same mother-in-law!   I'm positive that she blames me for the fact that her son (my husband) doesn't contact her or spend time with her as often as she'd like.  The fact that she's cold and unloving couldn't possible have anything to do with it.   Two stories that come to mind are:

- When she celebrated her 65th birthday a few years back, my sister-in-law gave a speech that included "Even though you rarely told us you love us, we know that you do ..."   I was horrified and asked my husband "Is that true?"  He said sadly "Yup."

- A while ago she was being honoured by the Order of the Eastern Star, and she insisted on all four of her children joining her on-stage for her speech.  She said "I'd like to thank my children for being here - (First Daughter's Name), (Second Daughter's Name), and (Second Son's Name)."  She completely forgot my husband, who just happened to be her FIRSTBORN.   :o   When her children gaped at her in horror, she said hastily "Oh, and of course (First Son's Name)."

I'm not commenting on the rest of this, but I don't agree that someone  necessarily has to say the words that they love you. We're not a demonstrative family and it's not the sort of thing we'd say to each other, but I know full well that my mother loves me without her having to tell me.

Shalamar

  • Member
  • Posts: 300
Re: Professional Darwinism: Update to OP on p.74
« Reply #3681 on: May 17, 2013, 04:15:24 PM »
I feel differently, Barney girl, but then I grew up with a very demonstrative family.  We're all about the "I love you's" and the hugs.  I do realize that everyone's different, of course.  My beef with my MIL isn't just that she rarely said "I love you" - it's that PLUS all the other stuff.  Her general coldness.  Her lack of physical affection.  The way she orders her children around like they're unpaid servants, with never a "please" or a "thank you". 

I definitely agree that you can tell when someone loves you even when they're not saying it ten times a day.  :)

ladyknight1

  • Member
  • Posts: 11822
  • Not all those who wander are lost
Re: Professional Darwinism: Update to OP on p.74
« Reply #3682 on: May 17, 2013, 04:41:51 PM »
MIL has told DH she loves him once. That was last year. He has just celebrated his birthday yesterday and received no calls from his parents or sister. My parents and oldest sister called and sent cards, otherwise his birthday would have gone unrecognized other than what our family does.

It is a big deal to him, he was never praised or complimented growing up, or told that he was loved by his mother.
“All that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost; The old that is strong does not wither, Deep roots are not reached by the frost."
-J.R.R Tolkien

violinp

  • Member
  • Posts: 3750
  • cabbagegirl28's my sister :)
Re: Professional Darwinism: Update to OP on p.74
« Reply #3683 on: May 17, 2013, 07:40:36 PM »
My mother tells the story about my great-uncle's golden anniversary party. He stood up and made a speech about how happy he was to have spent 50 years with the woman he loved. My great-aunt burst into tears, and couldn't stop.

When asked why, she said, "This is the first time he's ever said he loved me."

 :'( That's just sad...
"It takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies, but even more to stand up to your friends" - Harry Potter


ladyknight1

  • Member
  • Posts: 11822
  • Not all those who wander are lost
Re: Professional Darwinism: Update to OP on p.74
« Reply #3684 on: May 17, 2013, 08:03:42 PM »
PD case.

Supervisor S that has three employees decides the lowest ranking employee A is going to travel from location to location weekly, doing one of the duties that belongs to employee B. However, the location where employee B works is not set up for employee A to have access to super sensitive software at that location (location dependent protocols). S has B force access for A, which leads to major problems. S then sends me and my supervisor a long, whiny email about how this is a big issue, and that B shouldn't have to do key task anymore and so on. Then S asks how I am going to fix this.  ???

I read the email, but was too shocked to respond. I had no knowledge of this attempted change, and now I am to blame? My boss came to my office a few minutes later and asked me if I had read the email. We were both speechless. Boss intervened on my behalf. Boss brought it up in the departmental meeting, explaining that questions must be asked and approval must be given before anything like this happens again.   ::)

This is the fourth time S has pulled something like this. We are beginning to question her thinking abilities.
“All that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost; The old that is strong does not wither, Deep roots are not reached by the frost."
-J.R.R Tolkien

Library Dragon

  • Member
  • Posts: 1440
Re: Professional Darwinism: Update to OP on p.74
« Reply #3685 on: May 17, 2013, 08:36:47 PM »
Never burn bridges or the continual lesson not to be rude to front line employees....

Librarian A went to grad school with me and makes me look shy.  She has had a librarian position in another system, but frequently uses our library for her family.  Her children frequently has over due books and each incident involes A yelling at the staff and demanding that the fines be forgiven.

A has called about a position at our library. We had an open spot but she never bothered to fill out the application, just called and emailed about the job.  The current staff have proclaimed that they will quit if A is hired.  A is not as valuable as the current staff in knowledge and customer service skills. 

To add a big HUH? To the equation is that A works in a system making 4x what we could pay. 

            Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free Calorie Counter

greencat

  • Member
  • Posts: 3899
  • Trap...Neuter...What was that third thing again?
Re: Professional Darwinism: Update to OP on p.74
« Reply #3686 on: May 17, 2013, 08:45:11 PM »
Never burn bridges or the continual lesson not to be rude to front line employees....

Librarian A went to grad school with me and makes me look shy.  She has had a librarian position in another system, but frequently uses our library for her family.  Her children frequently has over due books and each incident involes A yelling at the staff and demanding that the fines be forgiven.

A has called about a position at our library. We had an open spot but she never bothered to fill out the application, just called and emailed about the job.  The current staff have proclaimed that they will quit if A is hired.  A is not as valuable as the current staff in knowledge and customer service skills. 

To add a big HUH? To the equation is that A works in a system making 4x what we could pay.

I suspect that A's shenanigans aren't limited to your library system, and she may rightfully feel that her job in the other system is on the line.

Elfmama

  • Member
  • Posts: 4595
  • Derailing threads since 2001!
Re: Professional Darwinism: Update to OP on p.74
« Reply #3687 on: May 18, 2013, 12:10:02 PM »
MIL has told DH she loves him once. That was last year. He has just celebrated his birthday yesterday and received no calls from his parents or sister. My parents and oldest sister called and sent cards, otherwise his birthday would have gone unrecognized other than what our family does.

It is a big deal to him, he was never praised or complimented growing up, or told that he was loved by his mother.
MIL told us to never compliment or praise our children, because it would "make them conceited".  Actually, "told" is too mild a word.  She tried to issue orders.  If we ignored her and praised our girls in her hearing, she found something to put them down.  Nice, loving grandmother, eh?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Common sense is not a gift, but a curse.  Because then
you have to deal with all the people who don't have it.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Pen^2

  • Member
  • Posts: 857
Re: Professional Darwinism: Update to OP on p.74
« Reply #3688 on: May 18, 2013, 01:27:49 PM »
My mother tells the story about my great-uncle's golden anniversary party. He stood up and made a speech about how happy he was to have spent 50 years with the woman he loved. My great-aunt burst into tears, and couldn't stop.

When asked why, she said, "This is the first time he's ever said he loved me."

That's incredibly sad  :'(

I've known people who have loudly proclaimed that they don't need to tell their spouse/offspring/etc. how they feel because they just know by default of the official relationship--and these are often people who are not shown love through actions either, and need most of all to hear it said. But the proclaimer generally shouts too loudly to bother noticing how sad they really look behind their habitual facades and weak smiles.

Some families work great, and the members know how each other feel, but it's very easy for someone to not know (and sometimes also not be shown) and to be overlooked, because "that's just how it works". I say err on the side of caution unless you're absolutely sure, and even then throw in a few L-words every so often just in case.

On the other hand, my parents often told me as a child that they loved me (almost daily), and now that they've grown too toxic to associate with I have no idea how much of that was actually meant, how much was a lie to look good, and how much was just habit.

MissRose

  • Member
  • Posts: 1647
Re: Professional Darwinism: Update to OP on p.74
« Reply #3689 on: May 18, 2013, 01:30:32 PM »
I was watching 20/20 Friday evening, and there was certainly many examples of PD through that show talking about people who have stolen things from employers, employers who do not pay fair wage and/or mistreat employees, those who burned their bridges in some way quitting jobs, etc.  I was shocked at some of the stories presented.