Good Morning!

[Mahdoumi]

Mahdoumi, I think you just explained my feelings better than I did!    Yes, for me, the rudeness comes with looking at someone, having them see you, and making a conscious decision to ignore them.  It's so...dismissive and demeaning, to me. 

Absolutely.  One cannot NOT communicate.  One is still communicating a message even when ignoring another individual - that the person is unworthy of one's attention.  Rude.  After all, isn't etiquette "a single, basic code shared by all makes life simpler and more pleasant by removing many chances for misunderstandings and by creating opportunities for courtesy and mutual respect?"

[Mahdoumi]

Sorry, while I was typing, I didn't realized we agreed to disagree!  And so civilized!  Thank you, Surianne, Traska and Wolfie!

[artk2002]

I'm going to use a specific example... which has always been upheld to be true here.

If I'm at home, and a neighbor comes to visit, and they ring the doorbell/knock, it has been stated that I am under no obligation to answer it if I do not choose to, and I am not rude to not choose to.  That they can see me through the window is irrelevant.  That they know I heard them is irrelevant.  That I looked directly at them through the window and made eye contact is irrelevant.   I don't recall that ever being supported here.  As it's been repeatedly posited, just because I am greeted by invitation to interact (by knocking or doorbell), I am under absolutely no obligation to respond in kind.  (If I'm misrepresenting this claim, I'd like to know... because I've read this time and time again.)  You are under no obligation to answer the door or the telephone, the assumption being that the other person has no idea whether you're home or not.  Gazing through the window and locking eyes with someone and then not answering the door is incredibly rude (unless it's a safety issue.

If that example above is rude, then it flies in the face of every unexpected-visitor-at-the-door thread I've ever read here.  If that above example is not rude, then I don't see how being unexpectedly greeted on the street and not responding is.

I know that example isn't relevant to you, but the only difference is that in the first example, you're sitting on your couch, and in the second you're out and about.  That's too slight a difference for me to be able to completely separate them.  There is no "slight difference" when in your second example, the person is completely aware that you are ignoring him/her.

An invitation to interact is an invitation to interact, whether it's a ringing phone, a knocking door, or a cheery "Good morning!" from someone I wouldn't know from Adam.  My being outside of my house gives me no special obligation to consent to conversation, beyond that which I am either literally obligated to (if I worked retail, I'd have to talk to customers), or that I choose to.  Not everyone is a social butterfly. Clearly . . .   Some leave the house purely to go from point A to point B.

That said, I *do* sometimes accept interaction, and respond in kind.  But I do so by choice, not because it's the only polite choice available to me.

Actually, the item bolded (that it's rude to not answer the door when the ringer knows that you're home, and you know that they know), is wrong in traditional etiquette.  Back when our current version of etiquette was being formed a caller could be told that "the lady of the house is not at home" even if they could see her puttering in the garden.  This is no different; if someone doesn't answer the door, then they are "not at home".  "Not at home" is the polite fiction to cover "doesn't want to see you right now."

Besides, someone peering in a window to see if someone is home is being rude in the first place.  While I don't condone retaliatory rudeness, by doing this, they have disqualified themselves from anything but the absolute minimum of consideration.  Having the door answered doesn't meet that level.

[Surianne]

Besides, someone peering in a window to see if someone is home is being rude in the first place.  While I don't condone retaliatory rudeness, by doing this, they have disqualified themselves from anything but the absolute minimum of consideration.  Having the door answered doesn't meet that level.

I agree that peering in the window is rude and it's fine to ignore someone doing that.  The situation I was imagining was one where no peering is necessary--for example, I have a huge window in my front room and I often keep the curtains open.  Similarly, many people have a front door that's clear and see through.  So walking to the door/window, looking at the person, and then walking away is rude to me. 

If we have to go with the "knocking on the door" analogy, that's the one that compares for me to having someone greet you, looking them in the eyes, and obviously ignoring them.     

[wolfie]

Yes, I was interpreting that as about a woman who was being hit on, not someone greeting her with a genuine "good morning".  Was that the context?  

In that letter she also asks how can she discourage people from hitting on her without punishing people who are actually wishing her a good morning. And Miss Manners answers that it is not rude to ignore people you don't know. She doesn't differentiate between people who are annoying you and people who just want to wish you a good morning.

And etiquette is:  conventional requirements as to social behavior; proprieties of conduct as established in any class or community or for any occasion.

nothing about making life more pleasant and creating mutual respect and courtesy.

[artk2002]

I agree that peering in the window is rude and it's fine to ignore someone doing that.  The situation I was imagining was one where no peering is necessary--for example, I have a huge window in my front room and I often keep the curtains open.  Similarly, many people have a front door that's clear and see through.  So walking to the door/window, looking at the person, and then walking away is rude to me.  

The "polite fiction" is that windows in the home work one way.  The purpose of a window in a home is to let light in; the purpose of a window in a store is to let information out.  The fact that you keep your curtains open or have a glass front door doesn't mean that taking notice of anything inside the house isn't rude.

[Acadianna]

While failing to acknowledge a stranger's greeting isn't rude (IMO), I think we should give this mother a pass.  If Perry's autism is not Asperger's or the high-functioning kind, then he may not understand when she tries to explain that "Those people were having a conversation" or "That man was busy on his cell phone."  I'm sure it must hurt her terribly when her son feels rebuffed or rejected, even though the strangers weren't rude.  (The tone of her letter was more sad than offended or angry, I thought.)

I'm not urging anyone to greet strangers if they don't want to -- but I do feel some sympathy for Perry's mother.

[Diane AKA Traska]

Oh, I fully agree that her road isn't an easy one.  I just disagree with the basic sentiment that it's our responsibility to interact.  There's a middle ground, and there's where the matter lies.