Announcing a separation on facebook....

[Zilla]

I have an acquaintance who is currently separated from her husband.  He has been living with a friend for several months now and she still lives in her apartment with her kid.  They are going to counseling but not doing so well.

Recently she called me upset that he changed his status from married to single and that she was deeply embarrassed that now everyone must know that they are separated. 

I told her that "they" must know since he hasn't been no longer living with her for several months and they only see each other in counseling once a week...

She insisted that she just tells everyone he is at home or out. 

Was he rude to change his status?  There was no message or big announcement, just a change in his status.

[Shoo]

I don't think he was being rude, but he was definitely making a statement.

[Elfqueen13]

I'm not even sure how that could be perceived as rude.  They're not together anymore.

[something.new.every.day]

He was not rude. 

It seems that she thinks that they will reconcile, but he does not.  Unless he's been stringing her along, he hasn't done anything wrong. 

[Bibliophile]

Considering that they are still married, I'd say borderline rude/not rude.  He could hide his relationship status rather than change it to single, because technically, he's not.

[RainhaDoTexugo]

He was not rude. 

It seems that she thinks that they will reconcile, but he does not.  Unless he's been stringing her along, he hasn't done anything wrong. 

It sound like he is stringing her along, if they're still going to counseling.  If he told her definitively that it's over, and filed for divorce, but the divorce hadn't gone through yet, facebook status is fair game.  If he's still going to counseling with her, but he's decided that it's not gonna work out, then it's not right to keep going and pretend he's still trying.  He's presenting himself to the world as available, now, when he's still telling his wife that he's willing to give it a shot.  I'm not sure that falls into the bounds of etiquette, specifically, but it's not right anyway.

Doesn't facebook have an "it's complicated" status?  That would be the better option.  That, or telling his wife what's going on, so she can move on with her life.

[LadyPekoe]

Honestly, I like when people announce big things on FB.  It stops awkward questions in their tracks.

I've always thought certain things should just be disseminated through friends and family so that nobody asks any awkward totally innocuous questions--divorce ("How is Jim doing these days?"), called off weddings ("How isthe wedding planning coming along?")  or miscarriage ("How is the nursery coming along?"). 

[RainhaDoTexugo]

Honestly, I like when people announce big things on FB.  It stops awkward questions in their tracks.

I've always thought certain things should just be disseminated through friends and family so that nobody asks any awkward totally innocuous questions--divorce ("How is Jim doing these days?"), called off weddings ("How isthe wedding planning coming along?")  or miscarriage ("How is the nursery coming along?"). 

I agree with this.  I like big news on Facebook, and I'm sure it makes it easier for people to give bad news, rather than telling everyone individually.  I just think it's not cool to do that to his poor wife! 

[Cz. Burrito]

Because rel@tionship status is intertwined with another person, I think it is at least a little bit rude to change it in the manner that he did (i.e. they are not actually divorced).  I think it's fine to change it if a hard line has been crossed in a the rel@tionship (officially engaged/officially married/officially divorced).  It gets a little more complicated when rel@tionship endings are more subjective (are we really broken up?  was it just a fight?  etc.)  Using rel@tionship status to make a statement is inconsiderate, and therefore rude.  It seems like he changed his status due to being frustrated/angry/etc about the counseling not going well rather than because he is actually single at this point.  It's airing your dirty laundry rather than announcing a life change, if that makes any sense.

When my husband joined facebook last month, he listed his relationship as "it's complicated;" I was aghast and immediately requested that he either change it to "married," leave it blank, or hide it from view.  He complied with my request.  My status is still "married" because I technically am.  I do not plan on changing it until there is a divorce, because all of my acquaintances do not need to be involved in my hemming and hawing and relationship drama.

[something.new.every.day]

He was not rude. 

It seems that she thinks that they will reconcile, but he does not.  Unless he's been stringing her along, he hasn't done anything wrong. 

It sound like he is stringing her along, if they're still going to counseling.   If he told her definitively that it's over, and filed for divorce, but the divorce hadn't gone through yet, facebook status is fair game.  If he's still going to counseling with her, but he's decided that it's not gonna work out, then it's not right to keep going and pretend he's still trying.  He's presenting himself to the world as available, now, when he's still telling his wife that he's willing to give it a shot.  I'm not sure that falls into the bounds of etiquette, specifically, but it's not right anyway.

Doesn't facebook have an "it's complicated" status?  That would be the better option.  That, or telling his wife what's going on, so she can move on with her life.

Good point, but I know people who have gone to counseling to get closure.  He could have been clear that he wanted out, but she was so distraught that he felt guilty and agreed to counseling as a favor to her.  It's hard to say--we don't a lot of information.  But the OP said the woman in this case lies to people and says her husband is at home rather than admit they are separated.  So I quesiton her grip on reality, and I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt that this facebook announcement should not be coming as news to his ex. 

[FoxPaws]

But the OP said the woman in this case lies to people and says her husband is at home rather than admit they are separated.  So I question her grip on reality, and I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt that this facebook announcement should not be coming as news to his ex. 

I wonder if the husband found out about the lying and this is his way of putting a stop to it? What he did seems insensitive, but it's hard to say without knowing the whole story.

If this has been going on for months, it's unlikely she's still fooling too many people with, "he can't come to the phone right now."

[Bluenomi]

It's his account so he can change it whenever he likes. In his eyes he is single so he can change his status to reflect that. I don't think facebook has a seperated/working though marriage issues status he could have used instead. The ethics might be a bit dodgy but it's not rude

[RainhaDoTexugo]

I don't think facebook has a seperated/working though marriage issues status he could have used instead.

I just took a look, and "It's complicated" is still there. 

[blarg314]

I've always thought certain things should just be disseminated through friends and family so that nobody asks any awkward totally innocuous questions--divorce ("How is Jim doing these days?"), called off weddings ("How isthe wedding planning coming along?")  or miscarriage ("How is the nursery coming along?"). 

Exactly - this is where good gossip comes into play, so everyone who needs to know knows not to put their foot in it, without the main participants having to explain it dozens of times.

I would say that changing his status is legitimate. It would be nice if he discussed it with her first, but if they've been separated for months and she's still telling people that he's out running errands, I sincerely doubt he's going to get his her approval for a public announcement.

I suspect that if he knows that she's still at the point that she's deliberately lying about their situation to hide it from people, that he may be trying to force the issue a bit, and get her to recognize that the marriage is over.