Children and facebook

[MOM21SON]

I finally let my son get a page and I check it daily,sometimes several times a day.  A few days ago I saw he was friends with Joe.  So yesterday, I was at sons school and saw Joes mom.  Joes mom is very strict and has had problems with Joe lying in the past.

So I said to Joes mom,"I see you relented to letting Joe have a fb page, I did too.  I check my sons all the time and it is going fine."  She said,  Joe does not have a fb page.  I then said,  "There must be two Joe Browns then.  And she said,"There is they play baseball together."  I thought nothing else about it.

Last night I asked ds if he knew there were two Joe Browns and he must have the wrong one.  Then my son said,"Mom, I am going to tell you the truth,  that is Joe, he didn't tell his mom he did it."

So,do I let it go or do I tell Joes mom?

[kandikrisp]

I think it all depends on the age of Joe here, to be honest.

If he's elementary/middle school age, then technically they're not supposed to *have* Facebook according to the age regulations (though I think they've lowered it from "MUST be in high school" to "Must be at least 13.")

If they're in high school, I'd let it go. I got myspace without telling my parents when I was younger. I was terrified to tell them, and went as far as to tell all my friends *not* to mention myspace around my parents.

When they finally found out, the problem they had with it wasn't that I *had* one, it was that I went to such great lengths to hide it.

I would tell your son to suggest Joe tell his mom so that she can regulate his page if she'd like, but I wouldn't get involved, personally.

(And, for the record, if my parents tried to check my facebook daily, I'd probably unfriend them. Again, that's all about the ages.)

[JoanOfArc]

Are they of an age to need parental permission to have a FB page?  If so, tell.  If not, it is not her business.  

Joan

[Sharnita]

I think you tell the mom.  How old are the kids?  Are they old enough to even have accounts according to the rules?  I do disagree with this:

Are they of an age to need parental permission to have a FB page?  If so, tell.  If not, it is not her business. 

Joan

Just because facebook has picked an age that they determine  appropriate for kids to have a facebook account the mom has every right to direct and be aware of the social activities of her minor child.

[MOM21SON]

Honestly,  they are under 13

[kandikrisp]

But OP also has to consider the consequences for her own son here. He admitted the truth here, something Joe probably didn't want him to do in the first place. It really isn't her place to "tattle" on Joe any more than it is her place to convince Joe's mom that having a facebook is okay. And if her son and Joe are close, and Joe gets upset that her son didn't cover for him, it could put a strain on the friendship.

ETA: OP's response.

Oh, that changes things. For some reason, I was figuring 15-16, which is IMO, old enough to decide if he wants to hide this kind of thing from his mother.

In that case, first off be warned that if someone reports Joe or son, they could lose their facebooks. A *lot* of people are highly irritated by the mass wave of children making facebooks against the rules. When I made mine, it was manditory that you have a high school graduation year, and it only went as far as current freshmen. And I saw quite a few people disabled after they were reported because someone got annoyed with something they were doing.

I'd have son tell Joe that you know about his FB (If son wants, he can say that you found it on his page) and you're concerned that his mom doesn't know.

I would honestly give Joe a chance to 'fess up before I went to mom.

[Sharnita]

Honestly,  they are under 13

Then I believe they are violating the rules establishing a minimum age for facebook users.  Definitely tell the mother.  There are a multitude of ways this could be detrimental to this child.

[Drunken Housewife]

I think it should be reported to the mother as well.  Parents need to keep an eye on what their children are doing online, and this mother should learn that she's falling down on that job.  

(Incidentally my ten year-old has asked to be allowed to make a facebook account, and I've withheld permission.  If she went around me and made one, it would be a favor to me to tell me.  I would not punish her severely, but I would deal with it.  As a parent, I have a responsibility to monitor her for her own safety).

[Hushabye]

Honestly,  they are under 13

Then they're both violating Facebook's terms of service.  The terms state that users agree that they will not use Facebook if they are under 13.  I would tell the mom, but only if you're planning on complying with Facebook's rules yourself and deleting your son's account.  To do otherwise would be hypocritical.

[Drunken Housewife]

I would tell the mom, but only if you're planning on complying with Facebook's rules yourself and deleting your son's account.  To do otherwise would be hypocritical.

I respectfully disagree.  The Op is not being hypocritical, because what she is concerned about is that the child is doing something online against his parents' express wishes.  She isn't disapproving of the boy's facebook acccount on the basis that he is too young to have one, which would be hypocritical as her own son has one.  It might be hypocritical if she reported the other child to facebook as being too young to use it, but that's not what she is doing.

One of my daughter's friends was allowed by her parents to set up a Facebook account, although she is just 10.  My daughter is a bit jealous.  Would it be hypocritical if my daughter set one up behind my back, and that other mother tipped me off?  I don't think so.  I wouldn't see any hypocrisy-- just a concerned parent wanting me to be aware of my child's online activities. 

[Cupcake Fiend]

Honestly,  they are under 13

Then they're both violating Facebook's terms of service.  The terms state that users agree that they will not use Facebook if they are under 13.  I would tell the mom, but only if you're planning on complying with Facebook's rules yourself and deleting your son's account.  To do otherwise would be hypocritical.

I disagree that it would be hypocritical to tell the mom while letting son keep his account.  OP is aware of and monitoring her son's account.  It's not great (IMO) that she is letting him break the rules, but she knows about it and will presumably accept the consequences if he gets caught out and there are any.  The difference here, is the son's friend is breaking the rules of both FB and his parents.  He is a minor, and they need to know.

FWIW, I "tattled" on the 13 year old daughter of a friend of ours.  She was on FB and her parents weren't.  I am on her friend list, and because of certain things she was posting, I quietly mentioned to her parents that they might want to sign up too, and monitor her activity.

[Hushabye]

Ok, I don't agree, but I can see what you're saying. 

[TootsNYC]

I would tell the mom, but only if you're planning on complying with Facebook's rules yourself and deleting your son's account.  To do otherwise would be hypocritical.

I respectfully disagree.  The Op is not being hypocritical, because what she is concerned about is that the child is doing something online against his parents' express wishes.  She isn't disapproving of the boy's facebook acccount on the basis that he is too young to have one, which would be hypocritical as her own son has one.  It might be hypocritical if she reported the other child to facebook as being too young to use it, but that's not what she is doing.

One of my daughter's friends was allowed by her parents to set up a Facebook account, although she is just 10.  My daughter is a bit jealous.  Would it be hypocritical if my daughter set one up behind my back, and that other mother tipped me off?  I don't think so.  I wouldn't see any hypocrisy-- just a concerned parent wanting me to be aware of my child's online activities. 

I agree on the hypocrisy issue.

And I think I agree that, since you've brought the issue up to the other parent, you should say, "Oh, I checked, and this Joe Brown is your son. I thought you might like to know."

No need to mention your conversation with your son--and in fact, he didn't really tattle to you. Make it be about how you, as a parent, were looking at your son's account.

[MOM21SON]

Joe has been allowed to break rules with his parents permission.  His mother feels very strongly about children and the internet.  I allowed my son to set one up because he is my child and I know how he is and to be quite frank, his wall is very boring.  The kids he has as friends spend a lot of time stealing each others fish.

[Sharnita]

I would tell the mom, but only if you're planning on complying with Facebook's rules yourself and deleting your son's account.  To do otherwise would be hypocritical.

I respectfully disagree.  The Op is not being hypocritical, because what she is concerned about is that the child is doing something online against his parents' express wishes.  She isn't disapproving of the boy's facebook acccount on the basis that he is too young to have one, which would be hypocritical as her own son has one.  It might be hypocritical if she reported the other child to facebook as being too young to use it, but that's not what she is doing.

One of my daughter's friends was allowed by her parents to set up a Facebook account, although she is just 10.  My daughter is a bit jealous.  Would it be hypocritical if my daughter set one up behind my back, and that other mother tipped me off?  I don't think so.  I wouldn't see any hypocrisy-- just a concerned parent wanting me to be aware of my child's online activities. 

I agree on the hypocrisy issue.

And I think I agree that, since you've brought the issue up to the other parent, you should say, "Oh, I checked, and this Joe Brown is your son. I thought you might like to know."

No need to mention your conversation with your son--and in fact, he didn't really tattle to you. Make it be about how you, as a parent, were looking at your son's account.

I agree.  If it never occurred to Joe that OP, another parent or a kid might see that he has an account and mention it in passing to his mom then he is pretty short sighted  - making it seem even more dangerous that he has an account without adult supervision.