Car Situation...HELP!!!!

[madmusician]

Ok, here's what's going on. I live at home and am attending community college. A couple years back, I bought my mom's old car from her. Free and clear, I gave her cash, she gave me the car. I have the keys, there's a spare key on the key rack in our kitchen.

Every time I go out of town, I come back to find that they have driven my car all weekend and haven't put gas back in it. I can barely pay for college, and I certainly can't afford to buy gas for them. She is married to a fairly well-off guy with a cushy government job. Why does she need my cruddy car???

I wouldn't be that upset except that
(A) It takes a full-out battle to get them to put gas back in after using it, and
(B) I feel that it shows a huge lack of respect that she feels she can just take my car whenever she wants, just because she feels like it, without asking me. If she asked, I would be much more OK. If she filled it up after she was done, I would be much more OK. But she doesn't. At one point, she even called me while I was out of town to BERATE me for NOT LEAVING HER MY SET OF KEYS--because my set has a lock/unlock remote. When did I agree to LET her use my car?

I am going out of town for New Year's Weekend. Today she politely asked me to clean out, vacuum, and wash my car so it wil be clean for them to use this weekend. I point out that they always use up my gas. She says they always put gas back in--yes, often after several days of fighting over it. Then she says, "Well, you know, it's just there in the driveway, so we use it."

This made my blood boil. So the next time they're out of town, can I take her luxury sedan, just because it's there? And when I feel like joyriding, can I pull his Corvette out of the garage and take off, just because I feel like it?

It's my car. It's not there for her personal use. All I want is a little respect--that she will ask before driving it and fill it up before I come home.

Am I overreacting? Here is what I have considered doing:

Before I go out of town next weekend, put a polite note on my steering wheel stating something to the effect of, "Before you drive my car, I would appreciate it if we could rationally discuss the use of my car."

And then, when she called me screaming, I would make two simple requests.

1. If you want to drive my car, please ask first.
2. If you drive my car, please put gas back in it before I come home.

Am I being unreasonable or irrational? What is the most etiquette-correct thing to do? And most of all...when she has a luxury sedan and a frigging Corvette at her disposal, why does she have to hijack *my* car?

[MadMadge43]

You are not being unreasonable and I can't for the life of my imagine why she wants to use your car when she has her own.

I would not mention anything at all about it and just pull the spark plugs before you leave.

(It is parked out of the way, so they can get their cars out right?)

[sammycat]

I'd be annoyed too.  Can you take all the keys, including the spares, with you at all times, not just this upcoming time?

[madmusician]

See, that's the thing. She is INCREDIBLY volatile, and if I take the keys or do anything like that, she will be ENTIRELY FURIOUS and very very bad things will happen...besides, despite how happily I would pull the spark plug wires, I've always been raised to respect my parents no matter what. Even if she doesn't respect me, I want to try to solve this peacefully and respectfully first.

[madmusician]

Oh, sorry, in answer to your question, I always park it out of the way. Usually on the street.

[MadMadge43]

The thing with the spark plugs, is she won't know you pulled them, the car just won't start and she can't use them.

But if she is extremely volatiles, then maybe you should get out of the house sooner than later.  Can you park the car at a friend's and have them drive you to the airport?

And respect ends when their respect for you isn't there. I hope all works out ok. Your last post has me worried for you.

[madmusician]

I leave in August for university. Her husband would look at the car and figure that I pulled the spark plug wires. And my boyfriend is driving me to visit his parents. If being nice doesn't work, THEN I will take action and pull spark plug wires and/or take all the keys. Hee hee.

[MadMadge43]

I think you're right, I would try the nice honest approach. If it doesn't work for right now you might just have to deal, because if you do something devious after that they'll be on to you.  And that would make a volitile person even angrier and you don't want to do that.

[Suze]

I think that I would drive over to Boyfriends house and leave from there.  no car in the driveway = they can't use it.

"sorry Mom, Bobby can't pick me up, I have to go to his place before we can leave."

I don't think that it is unreasonable that you want your car for YOU and not just a general "whoever feels like taking it car"  YOU paid for it, YOU should have the right to loan it out to whoever you want.

Another thought -- can you change the insurance so that YOU are the only one that can drive it?  Friend's did that when they couldn't make peace with the kids driving one of their cars. 

[FoxPaws]

Another suggestion: make sure the tank is empty before you leave. This may mean some joyriding on your part, or buying your gas in small increments before your departure, but at least this way if they want to use the car, they have to pay for their own gas.

I would also "not have time" to wash, wax, and vacuum before I left (although I would remove any personal belongings). Same principle as above; if they want to use the car, they can make it presentable to their specifications before they drive it.

If you're not going to be living at home much longer, being a bit PA might serve you better in the long run than a confrontation.

Good luck and above all else, enjoy the weekend with your boyfriend!

[veryfluffy]

You could suggest selling the car back to your mother, and then you just use it whenever you like, without putting gas in.

By the way, it's not just the gas: who pays the insurance? servicing? oil? tyres? general wear-and-tear?

[Suze]

Another suggestion: make sure the tank is empty before you leave. This may mean some joyriding on your part, or buying your gas in small increments before your departure, but at least this way if they want to use the car, they have to pay for their own gas.

I would also "not have time" to wash, wax, and vacuum before I left (although I would remove any personal belongings). Same principle as above; if they want to use the car, they can make it presentable to their specifications before they drive it.

If you're not going to be living at home much longer, being a bit PA might serve you better in the long run than a confrontation.

Good luck and above all else, enjoy the weekend with your boyfriend!

Oh -- I like this one --- Sneaky and evil <insert angel with halo hanging off of one horn here>

they can't yell at you for not leaving them the car. You did.

It also sounds like they are "saving" their other cars (what for I don't know) and since this car was hers and it was sold to family that it is all right to "use it up first"

[fklwmn]

I think I'd park the car at my boyfriend's while I was gone. Or even at another friend's and have him pick me up from there. "Sorry mom, Jessica needed a car for the weekend so I let her borrow mine!" Or something along those lines.

While I like the idea of leaving the gas tank on E, you wanted to resolve this respectfully. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound as though your parents treat you respectfully, which seems to rule out a respectful approach (ex: "Mom, I don't want you driving my car when I'm not ehre for these reasons. I am taking the spare keyes with me, just so you won't be tempted, but I'll be sure to park the car out so that it's not in your way.").

to me, everything else seems like avoidance or Passive agression, neither of which are very respecful - though they may be more effective in dealing with your mother. Good Luck.

[Purple Octopus]

SHE asked YOU to clean, vacuum, and generally wash out your own car so they can use it?  You didn't address this issue at all in your post which shows that you have in fact gotten used to this doormat situation and think most of it is normal, except for the gas thing, since that affects you financially.  Clearly your mother thinks of you as both "slave labor" and a free ride.

The proper thing for her to do, if she wants to use your car would be to both wash it and wax it FOR YOU as a hearty thank you, and actually leave more gas in it than was there when you left.  The even more proper thing to do would be to not use it at all.

But clearly she is so delusional about proper behavior that you are going to have to be the one to take action.

First part of the solution - get it out of their driveway when you leave.  That way, there can be no repercussions about it "taking up our space."
Even better - park it far, far away when you leave.  Like, in another town completely.
Leave it almost empty on gas.
Take both sets of keys with you.

If you can't handle the giant screaming fit that will result as the fallout from these actions, then it's time to get your own place, live on mac and cheese or ramen noodles for awhile, do whatever it takes.  Because your mom is clearly toxic and is doing this ON PURPOSE to show that she has power over you and that she does NOT believe you are an independent adult.

[madmusician]

The only thing is...I'm still 17, legally under her control. I can't move out, and if I take the keys, refuse to clean it, empty the gas tank, leave it elsewhere, etc, she can ground me from it. I've gotten use to her demands that it be clean...I don't know, I don't like messiness much anyway. And she somehow doesn't see it as USING MY CAR. I think in her mind, she sees it as using her old car that she doesn't use much any more because she has a better one.

I am a doormat. I will admit that. I'm just biding my time and only allowing a few issues to bother me--the ones that hurt/annoy/anger me the most.

You're right, Purple Octopus, she doesn't believe I am an independent adult. I guess she's in for some earth-shattering, come-to-Jesus moments when I leave in August.