Car Situation...HELP!!!!

[fklwmn]

The only thing is...I'm still 17, legally under her control.

...

You're right, Purple Octopus, she doesn't believe I am an independent adult. I guess she's in for some earth-shattering, come-to-Jesus moments when I leave in August.

Well, i think the problem here is that you AREN'T an independent adult. It doesn't change the fact that your mother should not be using your car without your prior permission, but she may be using this as a PA tactic of reminding you that you are not as grown up as you think you are, and that you are still her child under her rules.

And... FWIW, when I was 17 there is no way that my parents would have even CONSIDERED letting me go out of town for a weekend or even overnight with my boyfriend. When I was 19 and came home from his house at 10:30 I got a cross examination about why I had been out so late. So maybe you should take your mom with a grain of salt and realize they are allowing you a lot more freedom than many 17 year olds are afforded.

[Nekolove]

Ah. 17. You poor thing!

I also agree that this is a power thing for your mom.

And this seems to be a flip-flop of classic kid behavior....i.e. something you imagine a child doing TO a parent. I think you just need to deal. Definitely let your mom know that you don't appreciate her behavior, but you're just going to have to deal with it until you move out. She clearly sees nothing wrong with her behavior.

And realize that even after you move out it will take her some time to see you as an independent adult. But you'll get there. It will be a LOT easier when you don't live with her anymore.

Good luck!

[freakyfemme]

The only thing is...I'm still 17, legally under her control. I can't move out, and if I take the keys, refuse to clean it, empty the gas tank, leave it elsewhere, etc, she can ground me from it. I've gotten use to her demands that it be clean...I don't know, I don't like messiness much anyway. And she somehow doesn't see it as USING MY CAR. I think in her mind, she sees it as using her old car that she doesn't use much any more because she has a better one.

I am a doormat. I will admit that. I'm just biding my time and only allowing a few issues to bother me--the ones that hurt/annoy/anger me the most.

You're right, Purple Octopus, she doesn't believe I am an independent adult. I guess she's in for some earth-shattering, come-to-Jesus moments when I leave in August.

First of all......you're only seventeen?  Judging by your reply to my "Blame Game" thread, I thought you were much older than that, because most teenagers aren't that witty.  

Second of all.....what your parents are doing is patently unfair, hijacking the car that you purchased from your mother fair and square, failing to replace the gas in it, making you clean it so THEY can use it, and then *grounding* you from it, when it's YOUR PROPERTY THAT YOU PAID FOR?  All beyond the pale, regardless of whether you're seventeen, or eighteen, or forty.  I'm guessing you probably don't live in Ontario, though, because if you did, I wonder if my dad wouldn't be willing to do some pro bono small claims work on your behalf (assuming the car isn't worth more than $10,000, any more than that, and you'd have to go to regular court).

[smarterthanu213]

Yes, to answer all questions...I'm 17 (well, ok, in the name of honesty I will be in a couple months), concurrently doing senior year in high school and freshman year in college so that by the time I finally get to leave in August I'll be a sophomore.

I haven't decided yet whether I want to (A) take the keys with me and then refuse to discuss the matter until she can be rational (i.e. no screaming), or (B) deal with it.

[Chartreuse]

Congratulations, you live with my mother's clone.     The saddest part is she kept on doing that kind of stuff even after I moved out and was well into legal adulthood.  Of course that's the least of it when it comes to my parents (see the toxic family forum), but it seemed wise to let you know that you're not the first nor the last who's dealt with this kind of thing.  And like others have said, it is a power thing.  "I am your mother, you answer to me!"  Once you get to a certain age, it just doesn't work like that, and it sounds like your mom just doesn't seem to understand that you're on the verge of adulthood and should be treated more like an adult than a child.  By any chance, are you the oldest kid in the family?

It's very frustrating when you try to reason with a parent who does this kind of thing simply because "I'm the parent".  It's even more frustrating when they demand that you treat them with respect and yet can't extend you the same general courtesy.

FYI, when you move out, plan on her acting similarly.  She won't grow out of it any time soon.  If she's anything like the stubborn woman I happen to be decended from, she may not have a clue a decade from now.  There really isn't much you can do now, but when you move out, you're going to have to learn what boundaries are proper and learn how to put your foot down.  Just because she is your mother doesn't mean that she automatically gets a "walk all over you free" card.

Until you're out from under her roof, I don't think that there's much you can do that won't end in an ugly situation.  What she's doing is wrong, but there's really no way to get through to her about it.  If she can't talk about this like a rational adult, then she's not going to be rational and mature about it if you start doing passive-agressive things to keep the car out of her hands.   

[smarterthanu213]

I am the youngest. My brother won't speak to her because of the way she treated him when he was younger, and my sister tries to stay on good terms. They are 13 and 15 years older than me. I know that I can expect her manipulation to continue for quite awhile, but at least it will be a little better when I am 4 hours away. I've seen how she treats my siblings, so I know what to expect. It just hurts.

[graceh9]

you underestimate the power of passive aggression -- be subtle -- fail to
'understand' -- push the line -- and withdraw affection, charm and company
when she treats you disrespectfully, make yourself scarce, don't smile when you see her first thing in the morning -- don't be ugly -- just disengage -- don't give her the rewards of being mother -- be polite but not welcoming and  let go of your end of the rope

and clean the car just enough to get by -- e.g. pick up the trash, but don't actually clean anything -- and leave two gallons in the tank -- but don't point it out, just let it be the way it 'happened to be' -- if challenged, you did clean the car and you 'didn't notice' the gas gauge -- or you didn't have the money to fill it up yet

believe me a snotty teenager who knows how to flirt with the 'line' and not directly cross it and confront can greatly diminish the pleasure of her parents while not challenging directly

go for it

[Purple Octopus]

The only thing is...I'm still 17, legally under her control.

Ahhh, when you said you bought the car from her a couple of years ago, I assumed that meant you were now 21 or 22 years old.  So, you bought a car from your mom when you were 14 or 15?  What is the legal driving age where you live?

Anyway, sorry about all that, now that I know the real deal.  The only solution is really to keep the keys with you or park it far away.  Good luck in the future with your mom.  Once you turn 18, start setting boundaries.  I really hope you can overcome the toxicity!

[Purple Octopus]

if I take the keys, refuse to clean it, empty the gas tank, leave it elsewhere, etc, she can ground me from it.

Sorry, missed this part also in my last post.  I agree with some other posters now, you've got to disable the car in some way so it won't start!

[Gwywnnydd]

The only thing is...I'm still 17, legally under her control.

...

You're right, Purple Octopus, she doesn't believe I am an independent adult. I guess she's in for some earth-shattering, come-to-Jesus moments when I leave in August.

Well, i think the problem here is that you AREN'T an independent adult.
<snip> So maybe you should take your mom with a grain of salt and realize they are allowing you a lot more freedom than many 17 year olds are afforded.

Wow, *that* was condescending.

While the OP is not yet an independant adult, it's not unreasonable for her to be upset that her mother clearly disrespects the OP, while demanding respect in return. That's called 'hypocrisy', and the meaning doesn't change on the magic day of one's 18th birthday.

[Betsy]

I too deal with an ... ahem... overbearing mother.

While she doesnt steal my car (I was 19 when I purchased it, now 22), she still plays the blame games the stupid "well Ill pay you for this $5 book you picked up for me only after you do X" (where X might be anything from driving over 2 hrs to visit my grandparents (not a bad thing its just that I work 40 hrs a week and am doing 20 hrs a week of work on my masters) to giving them another $1000 towards my car. Its in my name and free and clear but I "borrowed" from my college fund to do it and my parents are making me pay it back in  )

Frankly mothers like that dont change, but you are right moving 4 hrs away does a vast amount of good. Heck, last March (4 months out of college and 5 months shy of 22 yrs old) I actually bought a house without her permission. You wouldnt believe what type of hell that raised.

I could go on all day about the crap that your mother will invent to blame you for but I wont bore you.

[VorFemme]

I have worked as an insurance claim adjuster.

Be very careful about EXCLUDING them as drivers on your car and insurance.

If they are driving and the car is in an accident - you could very well be up the proverbial creek full of piranhas without a paddle in your canoe.................because YOUR insurance might very well not have to pay ANYTHING - check with your insurance company about the laws in your state/region.

(edited to add)  Okay, NOW I understand that you are about to turn 17.  As has already been said, you are between the proverbial rock and a hard place.........

Leaving your car with barely enough fuel to get to the station when you get back is an option - but "mention" it to your mother before leaving.  "Mom, BF is here to pick me up to head to the airport - I didn't have time to gas up the car yesterday so if you or Stepdad need to use it be sure to put some gas in the tank before you go more than ten miles!  I'd hate to hear that you two were stranded on the side of the road because I only have about twenty miles worth of gas in the tank!"

If your Stepdad is better at "listening" you could mention it to him the night before.  As you are heading to bed or something - where it is too late to go gas it up NOW and you will never have time in the morning to do it before you have to leave!

Or drop both sets of keys in your luggage "by mistake" - but be prepared to come home and be told that you owe them money for the locksmith that they had to have come out and make a new set of keys for your car because you didn't leave them YOUR set!

It almost doesn't matter what you do - it sounds like you are in a Catch-22 situation.  Damned no matter which way you turn..........

[smarterthanu213]

She guilted me into buying it from her when I was 14. I had some money saved up for my first car. She said that if I paid it off for them, I could have it when I turned 16. It would be mine, absolutely free and clear.

BTW, my sis and brother-in-law, who were living in another country at the time, were FURIOUS that she guilted me into buying it. I didn't want it, but I did it to **help my family**. And look what kind of h3ll I get in return.

I think that I might mention it casually in conversation.."Mom, would you be mad if I took your car without permission?" [Insert noise of disgust from Mom] "Of course I would be!!! You don't have permission!!!" "Then why is it appropriate for you guys to use my car without my permission?"

I think this might be the only way to get it through to her...what do you guys think?

For the record...eventhough I am 17, I am also a full-time college student. I have never done anything remotely "teenager-like", never done anything to destroy her trust or respect in me...heck, I've worked all my life to build that respect. I'm not unworthy of respect because of my date of birth.

Also for the record...it's not like I'm shacking up with my boyfriend when we go out of town, or we're traveling together just the two of us. We travel with his mother, father, and younger sister to their lake house, where they keep a close watch on us, and I do appreciate that I have the freedom to travel with his family, because they are wonderful people. I'm not saying I should be allowed to do whatever I want; I'm just saying that she should reciprocate the level of respect that I give her. I have some freedoms, such as travel, that many teenagers are not granted. I am not granted other freedoms that most teenagers take for granted. I remember one time I was PMSing and my meds had just been changed, so my body was a little haywire and I'd been pretty withdrawn for a couple days. I hadn't been disrespectful or angry or sad or anything, just...staying in my room and not talking much, dealing with my issues in my own way. My mom informed me that she would ground me for a month if I wasn't "happy" by dinnertime tomorrow.

So, fklwmn, while I have the freedom to travel with my boyfriend's family, I don't have the right to my own emotions. Take it or leave it, but I'd rather have the right to emotions than the right to travel anyway.

[jfulle5]

wow, you have my mother and she trained you well (honor and obey, etc.) The best thing you can do is deal with it in the mean time. I moved out of my moms when I was 12...yeah I know. The manipulation won't stop anytime soon. I think from the sound of things she isn't going to listen to you no matter what you try to say/negotiate/plead. She hears you but she doesn't hear you.

"My mom informed me that she would ground me for a month if I wasn't "happy" by dinnertime tomorrow. "
sorry your mom isn't dealing with a full deck. I don't mean this in an offensive way but I think you know what I mean. There is no real way to rationalize this situation. August isn't that far away, right?

[Tabris]

Here's what you do.

Sell the car.

Sell it and pocket the money. Get around town on your bicycle for a while if you have to, but sell the car.

Then buy a new car. This one will clearly be YOUR car, since it was never your mother's car to begin with.

Either that, or just drive down to the local used car lot and "trade" it for a car of nearly equal value. Tell your mother something about the insurance being cheaper for a different car. Old Honda Civics retain their value for a long time, btw, and are great for students. Trade in the car, get yourself a new car, and make sure it has an alarm on it.