Car Situation...HELP!!!!

[Chocolate Cake]

If she would have a fit if you deliberately sabataged her attempts, it sounds like it's time you learned the value of being absentmindedly obtuse.   

For example, you can still leave as little gas as possible in the vehicle.  When she complains, you say, "Really? I could have sworn I filled up just a couple days ago.....or wait.  Maybe that was last week?  No, it couldn't have been last week because I did a lot of errands and would have had to have gassed it up before then.  Hmmm.  Was it before or after I went to Jennifer's?  Or was it Rebecca's?  Well.....I guess I don't know.  Sorry about that Mom."

Or, take all the keys with you when you leave regardless.  When she complains, you respond in much the same way.   "You couldn't find my key?  I left it right on the peg.  Well, I thought I did.  Where is it?  Oh, no!  I hope I didn't lose it -- that would be bad....."  and go off mumbling to yourself and digging through your purse as you leave.   

Or, as another poster said, you simply run out of time to clean up the fourteen empty pop bottles, the fast food bags, the piles of coats, etc. that are in your car.   You apologize profusely for it, of course. 

As an aside.....what would be the possibility of living with your older sister/husband?   If you emancipated yourself and if your sister was willing, of course.  You sound very responsible and mature, it's not like your sister would be taking in a juvenile delinquent.

[Lauren]

Then when your mom gets the insurance payoff, make her put the new car in your name only.

Except of course, Mum might decide to keep the money for herself....

[Slartibartfast]

It sounds like your mom is threatening to "get mad" (with whatever that entails) as a check for keeping you under her thumb - you have to do EVERYTHING she says.  Legally, she's right, but not for long.  How soon do you turn 18?

1)  How much money do you have in your own name, that she can't touch?  If you have a joint bank account, be prepared to go to the bank on your 18th birthday, withdraw all the money, and open a new account in your name only.  You do NOT want her to have access to your finances.

2)  Is the car's title in your name, or your mom's?  If it's still in your mom's name, ask her to transfer it into your name.  If she refuses (which she probably will), start researching local legal options - you WILL have to take her to court over it (again, when you turn 18.)  You will probably have to explain how you paid for the car at 14 in exchange for ownership of the car, how your mother has been using it without your permission, and how she refused to give you the title.  With luck, you will end up the full and legal owner of the car, and you can either keep it (and ALL copies of the keys), or sell it and get another one.  Be prepared to pay for your own insurance, which doesn't list your mother as a driver.  And be ready to stand firm when she comes up with a bogus reason she should still have control over your car even when you're in college.

3)  Is your mom paying for your college, or does she have to sign financial aid papers?  My college roommate's mother refused to sign any of her financial aid paperwork unless she would come visit and do various things - completely trying to control her and her father (her parents were divorced).  She ended up going to the school financial aid office and getting advice there.  I suggest talking to your college's financial department sometime between now and your 18th birthday, to find out how you would handle being a completely independent 18-year-old.  This may affect how you decide to deal with your mom.

Basically, if your mom is threatening to blow up over something as small as not leaving gas in the tank so she can borrow your car without permission, she will ALWAYS be able to control you unless you can call her bluff.  It may be hard, and it may take some help from your older siblings, but you should be ready to kick her out of your life if you had to.  Just knowing that you can do this will give you a lot more confidence.  Additionally, when your mom learns you're serious and will kick her to the curb if she keeps pulling this crap, she'll have to decide whether her little power trip is worth losing you.  She will probably always be somewhat manipulative, but when YOU are in control of your relationship (and can sever it if you want to), she will have to be more respectful of your rights and boundaries.

[sparksals]

So maybe you should take your mom with a grain of salt and realize they are allowing you a lot more freedom than many 17 year olds are afforded.

THis is a touchy subject because even though the OP is underage, she is a university student.  I would agree with your statement if she was still attending HS, but she sounds like a pretty mature kid - paid for the car, the upkeep and gas.  From what she's written, I think she deserves to be treated as if she is an adult.

[sparksals]

Like I said, KewpieDoll, my sis and her husband were FURIOUS when they found out that Mom had me pay off the car. She claimed it was my choice, but really...no.

Anyway, I am going to just let it go. She's offerning to help me buy a better car before I go to college...as long as I stay in her good graces. I am, however, going to fill up the tank before I leave and ask that the tank be full when I get home. I was also thinking about mentioning something like "It would be nice if you would ask before taking my car, just the same as I would do for you." Because, you know, she would flip out if I ever took her car without permission. That's the only thing that really bothers me, is the lack of respect.

You do relize that if you let her "help" get you a better car before you go to college you will never get away from -- I NEED to use your car dear, make sure you have it back home for the weekend.

Please don't fall into that trap.

And you KNOW the tank won't be full when you get home.  My advise on that would be to tell Mom you'll fill the tank up, can I have the money to do it.  And if she dosen't give you the money ---- DON'T DO IT !!!

Suze (we all feel for you. time to pick yourself up off of the ground under her feet)

I totally agree!  Don't fall into the controlling trap by allowing your mom to control yet another car!  She is manipulating you to retain control.  Buy your OWN car so you have absolute control and she has no authority over you or the car. 

I think you will be making a HUGE mistake if you let your mom help you get a better car.  You are also making a mistake filling up the tank.  You are enabling her to take advantage of you.  Even though you are 16, you can still set boundaries.