Author Topic: The perfect response, if only I had used it!Update #62  (Read 14829 times)

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MadMadge43

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Re: The perfect response, if only I had used it!
« Reply #15 on: March 20, 2010, 01:13:58 PM »
This is so appalling I want to post it on E-hell! Oh wait, never mind.n

Luci

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Re: The perfect response, if only I had used it!
« Reply #16 on: March 20, 2010, 01:17:25 PM »
I honestly can't think of any sort of response that would affect her mother instead of Jamie.

Too bad, so sad. Jamie's mother's lack of parenting does not Stranger's problem make.

And Jamie's mother's lack of parenting does not make upsetting a child any less of a jerk move.

Upsetting a child is not a jerk move. It is called teaching and discipline. The child should have the problem explained to her after the party hopefully without disrespecting the mom, but child still needs to learn but needs the respect due to her as a rational, learning human being.

Hanna

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Re: The perfect response, if only I had used it!
« Reply #17 on: March 20, 2010, 01:25:22 PM »
I would be so torn in this situation.
I couldn't bear calling the police and would jsut have to let the child come in.
But I think I would try to keep the girls away from the party (unless DS had planned on his sister participating), and wouldn't give her a party favor. 

After that, I would probably have to distance my family from this woman and hers, but it would be difficult knowing that the 5 year old was the one that would primarily suffer.  I do know I would tell her this now:

"Neighbor, that was a very underhanded move to drop a 5 year old off without supervision or my permission.  If it happens again, I will be forced to call CPS."

Giggity

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Re: The perfect response, if only I had used it!
« Reply #18 on: March 20, 2010, 01:30:19 PM »
I honestly can't think of any sort of response that would affect her mother instead of Jamie.

Too bad, so sad. Jamie's mother's lack of parenting does not Stranger's problem make.

And Jamie's mother's lack of parenting does not make upsetting a child any less of a jerk move.

People aren't always sweet as pie. This is a great time for Jamie to have a lesson it sounds like she sorely needs.
Words mean things.

shhh its me

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Re: The perfect response, if only I had used it!
« Reply #19 on: March 20, 2010, 01:40:21 PM »
I honestly can't think of any sort of response that would affect her mother instead of Jamie.

Too bad, so sad. Jamie's mother's lack of parenting does not Stranger's problem make.

And Jamie's mother's lack of parenting does not make upsetting a child any less of a jerk move.

People aren't always sweet as pie. This is a great time for Jamie to have a lesson it sounds like she sorely needs.

Whoa why does Jamie sorely need to learn a lesson, she behaved like a 5 year old her mother behaved horribly. It's harsh but Jamie may suffer for her mothers behavior I don't think it's a "jerk" move but the tone of your post sound more like your relishing pushing the child then the suffering the child will face is a side effect of dealing with the mother.

Stranger

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Re: The perfect response, if only I had used it!
« Reply #20 on: March 20, 2010, 03:05:57 PM »
Thanks for all the advice!

Jamie's mum called at 9 o'clock and told Jamie to go home. The party ended at 4  :-\
There is a Dad in the picture, but he doesn't live with Jamie's mum and I've never seen him. Her boyfriend lives with her occasionally, though.

Jamie's grandmother lives nearby, and following your advice I am going to ask for her number today. I will also inform Jamie's mum that I *will* call her mother to fetch Jamie if she is left at my house without my consent again. You can believe that I was sorely tempted to call in reinforcements, but I didn't, for all the reasons mentioned.

We answered the phone because we live in a different country, and all our relatives were phoning DS to congratulate him on his birthday. If it wasn't for that, I would have turned off the phone. Not that it would have stopped Jamie's mum from sending her over anyway, imo.

Would it be polite enough if I say the following to Jamie's mum:

"Susan, I told that I wasn't able to look after Jamie and you abandoned her in front of my house anyway. It caused some disruption at the party, and I was left looking after your daughter for 5 hours after the party ended. I am going to need your mother's phone number so I can contact her to collect Jamie should this happen again. I am afraid that I would be forced to contact the authorities if I don't have contact details for family members."

I'm still spitting nails, I can hardly think of a polite way to tell her just how unacceptable her bahviour was. And I sill fell so unbearably sad for Jamie. She doesn't deserve to be treated like this by her mother!

Diane AKA Traska

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Re: The perfect response, if only I had used it!
« Reply #21 on: March 20, 2010, 03:17:12 PM »
I honestly can't think of any sort of response that would affect her mother instead of Jamie.

Too bad, so sad. Jamie's mother's lack of parenting does not Stranger's problem make.

And Jamie's mother's lack of parenting does not make upsetting a child any less of a jerk move.

People aren't always sweet as pie. This is a great time for Jamie to have a lesson it sounds like she sorely needs.

The problem is the mother, not the child.  Thus teaching a lesson to the person who didn't initiate the conflict is going after the wrong party.  To do so to someone who isn't yet fully capable of understanding *why* you're doing it is what would make me feel like it's a jerk move.

The mother is a user.  Thus, she's not only using the OP to get her daughter into the party, she's using her daughter as well.  This is *not* the daughter's fault, and it won't change by punishing the daughter.  It will only change by punishing the mother.  Or by cutting the family out completely, but doing so at that time will make the child think it's *her* fault, which is nowhere near the optimal solution.
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SiotehCat

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Re: The perfect response, if only I had used it!
« Reply #22 on: March 20, 2010, 03:20:46 PM »
It sounds like Jamie lives within walking distance and even walks home herself. Why didn't you just tell her to go home?

Daffydilly

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Re: The perfect response, if only I had used it!
« Reply #23 on: March 20, 2010, 04:15:30 PM »
Can you itemize the extra expsenses for the child for the party and activities and babysitting service afterwards? And quietly mention the total needs to be paid by the end of the weekend.

shadowfox79

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Re: The perfect response, if only I had used it!
« Reply #24 on: March 20, 2010, 04:18:36 PM »
It sounds like Jamie lives within walking distance and even walks home herself. Why didn't you just tell her to go home?

Going from the OP:

Quote
I can't send her home, there is nobody there.

It sounds like the mother deliberately went out so that her daughter couldn't go home.

Hanna

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Re: The perfect response, if only I had used it!
« Reply #25 on: March 20, 2010, 04:21:48 PM »
Yes,

Would it be polite enough if I say the following to Jamie's mum:

"Susan, I told that I wasn't able to look after Jamie and you abandoned her in front of my house anyway. It caused some disruption at the party, and I was left looking after your daughter for 5 hours after the party ended. I am going to need your mother's phone number so I can contact her to collect Jamie should this happen again. I am afraid that I would be forced to contact the authorities if I don't have contact details for family members."

Yes, that is direct and polite.
I would leave out "I am afraid I would be forced..." and simply say "I will be forced..."
That leaves no question.

kherbert05

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Re: The perfect response, if only I had used it!
« Reply #26 on: March 20, 2010, 04:48:36 PM »


"Susan, I told that I wasn't able to look after Jamie and you abandoned her in front of my house anyway. It caused some disruption at the party, and I was left looking after your daughter for 5 hours after the party ended. I am going to need your mother's phone number so I can contact her to collect Jamie should this happen again. I am afraid that I would be forced to contact the authorities if I don't have contact details for family members."

I'm still spitting nails, I can hardly think of a polite way to tell her just how unacceptable her bahviour was. And I sill fell so unbearably sad for Jamie. She doesn't deserve to be treated like this by her mother!

Actually you have a great plan right here. If she doesn't give you a number or gives you a nonworking number (call me a cynic but I have had a ton of parents do this on their kids emergency forms) then follow through and call a relative or a cop.
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Giggity

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Re: The perfect response, if only I had used it!
« Reply #27 on: March 20, 2010, 05:41:31 PM »
People aren't always sweet as pie. This is a great time for Jamie to have a lesson it sounds like she sorely needs.

Whoa why does Jamie sorely need to learn a lesson, she behaved like a 5 year old her mother behaved horribly. It's harsh but Jamie may suffer for her mothers behavior I don't think it's a "jerk" move but the tone of your post sound more like your relishing pushing the child then the suffering the child will face is a side effect of dealing with the mother.

Please don't read into my posts what they do not explicitly say.

Jamie needs a lesson in why one does not whine to get one's way, and her mother ain't providing it. Mom needs a lesson too, yes.
« Last Edit: March 20, 2010, 05:48:37 PM by Juana la Loca »
Words mean things.

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Re: The perfect response, if only I had used it!
« Reply #28 on: March 20, 2010, 06:12:51 PM »
I agree with Juan. All Jamie learned from the whole experience is that if she cries and whines enough, she'll get her own way. I don't think stranger would have been out of line if she had left Jamie out of the party activities and kept her in the house, apart from the boys. Jamie and her mother don't get to decide if Jamie is included in the festivities, Stranger does!

Let us know how your talk goes, Stranger, and good luck!
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shhh its me

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Re: The perfect response, if only I had used it!
« Reply #29 on: March 20, 2010, 06:23:38 PM »
People aren't always sweet as pie. This is a great time for Jamie to have a lesson it sounds like she sorely needs.

Whoa why does Jamie sorely need to learn a lesson, she behaved like a 5 year old her mother behaved horribly. It's harsh but Jamie may suffer for her mothers behavior I don't think it's a "jerk" move but the tone of your post sound more like your relishing pushing the child then the suffering the child will face is a side effect of dealing with the mother.

Please don't read into my posts what they do not explicitly say.

Jamie needs a lesson in why one does not whine to get one's way, and her mother ain't providing it. Mom needs a lesson too, yes.
A 5 year old crying to their own Mother does not because she wasn't invited to a party does not need a lesson,from OP. The mother whined and called back we have no idea with the 5 year actually said to OPs DS. A 5 year old was taken by her mother and that mother left her at OPs house for 5? additional hours it's not as if the child had a choice.

And tone does matter your post impart a harshness whether your explicitly saying things or not, it's your choice what you do when informed of others interpretations of your posts