The perfect response, if only I had used it!Update #62

[BeagleMommy]

Wow!  This woman gives new meaning to the word entitled.  At age 5 Jamie is not too young to learn that you won't be invited to everything even though it sounds like a lot of fun.

I think the OP did what she felt was best in letting Jamie have a treat bag and prize, but I would tell her mother that there will be no next time.  If Jamie isn't invited, she stays home.

I'm wondering if a PP was right that Jamie's mom wanted Jamie to spend all day with the OP and felt like HER plans were disrupted.  I've seen it happen. 

[Piratelvr1121]

There is one thing that is being assumed and might not have been true- that Jamie was upset (at first).

It is possible that her mother had planned on leaving the whole time (with or without informing OP) and when Jamie came home, questioned her and made her feel bad when the child had no problem with it at all.

OP, as far as the party goes- did your DD participate (assuming she was there)? If so, you could have sent the two girls to play either indoors or outdoors (where ever the party was not) and given your DD a treat later for missing out.

I've been wondering this too, and thinking that maybe the mother had decided she wanted to go out and saw this as the perfect opportunity for some free babysitting by manipulating the OP.   And perhaps Jamie's tears were more a result of Mom's own manipulations than not being at the party.   And when the OP didn't give into the tears and manipulations, Jamie was dropped off and Stranger was not given the opportunity to refuse.

Since you said that Jamie's a sweet girl and the family likes her, Stranger, that's what gave me this impression.   That it wasn't her so much as her mother seeing a prime opportunity to dump her child on someone else.   

[Chinchillazilla]

That was so incredibly cruel of the mother.

I was sad about a couple of parties I didn't get invited to around that age (admittedly, about one, I was just annoyed because there was a rule that said no invitations at school unless everyone was invited, and one other girl and I were left out but like 28 other kids were invited, and RULES were BROKEN and it was NOT OKAY), but... there will be parties you don't get invited to. Forever and ever until the end of time, no matter how popular you are. Better to learn that at 5 than at an age where it will really embarrass/humiliate you, you know?

[eltf177]

Been following this thread with great interest.

Stranger is being put in a horrible position. To deliberately ignore or exclude Jamie is cruel, OTOH to reward the mother for this behavior is not an option. And I agree, at some point Jamie will need to learn that whining to get your way doesn't work (or at least shouldn't).

If this happens again do _not_ bring the child inside; to do so means you accept responsibility for her with all the attendant legal issues. Immediately call the grandmother or other responsible caregiver to pick the child up. If the mother hasn't given you any numbers or there is no answer, call the police and report that a child has been abandoned on your doorstep. Watch to make sure the police pick Janice up unharmed and let the police know this has happened before. I think CPS will get involved _very_ quickly...

[Lorelei_Evil]

There is one thing that is being assumed and might not have been true- that Jamie was upset (at first).

It is possible that her mother had planned on leaving the whole time (with or without informing OP) and when Jamie came home, questioned her and made her feel bad when the child had no problem with it at all.

OP, as far as the party goes- did your DD participate (assuming she was there)? If so, you could have sent the two girls to play either indoors or outdoors (where ever the party was not) and given your DD a treat later for missing out.

I've been wondering this too, and thinking that maybe the mother had decided she wanted to go out and saw this as the perfect opportunity for some free babysitting by manipulating the OP.   And perhaps Jamie's tears were more a result of Mom's own manipulations than not being at the party.   And when the OP didn't give into the tears and manipulations, Jamie was dropped off and Stranger was not given the opportunity to refuse.

Since you said that Jamie's a sweet girl and the family likes her, Stranger, that's what gave me this impression.   That it wasn't her so much as her mother seeing a prime opportunity to dump her child on someone else.   

POD to this.  Very likely she sees you as a free babysitter because your child is friends with Jamie, and how dare you not include her special snowflake in the fun party!  This was done to my mother many times when she ran a home sitter service and would have a birthday party for one of the kids she sat for.  It stopped when she started having my father drive the uninvited children home - in his police car.  Now, the kids thought that was COOL, but the parents were just mortified. 

[ShadowLady]

I agree with the PP who said she should have been put in a room by herself, and let her cry herself out.  Then check on her once in a while, and offer her the opportunity to call her father or grandmother, but not let her participate in the party. 

And I'm just ornery enough that instead of letting her walk home, I would have driven her home, and presented her irresponsible mother with a bill for the daycare/babysitting that just happened, and possible polite hinting that I would be willing to take her to Small Claims court if she does not pay.

Sorry, I detest parents who do the drive-by dropoff when they know the child was not invited.

[Stranger]

Update: Jamie's mum is actively avoiding me  I've tried to talk to her when I saw her in the street (twice) and calling (once - the line was "bad" and she couldn't hear me).

Paranoid Stranger thinks it is because she knows its DD's party on Saturday, and she has no intention of giving me the opportunity to tell her face to face that she has to make sure Jamie doesn't insist on coming. Needless to say, I don't have any contact details for other family members either.

The way I see it, I have two choices.

I can ignore Jamie if (or when) she arrives or tell her to go home the minute she knock on the door.
OR
I can prepare for Jamie to attend the party. DD did not invite her, but I'm sure she won't mind so  much if Jamie is there.

If I choose option one, I can stop stressing about a gatecrasher, and address the issue of Jamie being dropped off without any arrangements being made at another time. Part of me feels that it would be the nicer (and easier) thing to do. I know Jamie will be very upset if she can't come to DD's party.

[AprilRenee]

Please don't let her crash the party. That just rewards mom's bad behavior!

[QueenfaninCA]

Update: Jamie's mum is actively avoiding me  I've tried to talk to her when I saw her in the street (twice) and calling (once - the line was "bad" and she couldn't hear me).

Paranoid Stranger thinks it is because she knows its DD's party on Saturday, and she has no intention of giving me the opportunity to tell her face to face that she has to make sure Jamie doesn't insist on coming. Needless to say, I don't have any contact details for other family members either.

The way I see it, I have two choices.

I can ignore Jamie if (or when) she arrives or tell her to go home the minute she knock on the door.
OR
I can prepare for Jamie to attend the party. DD did not invite her, but I'm sure she won't mind so  much if Jamie is there.

If I choose option one, I can stop stressing about a gatecrasher, and address the issue of Jamie being dropped off without any arrangements being made at another time. Part of me feels that it would be the nicer (and easier) thing to do. I know Jamie will be very upset if she can't come to DD's party.

Send mom a certified letter that Jamie is not invited to DDs party. If she is dropped off, she will be reported to police as an abandoned child. Follow through if needed.

[Hanna]

I would invite her to the party, but also send her a letter informing her that next time she drops Jamie off at your doorstep without permission you will be forced to call the police.

[er-bear]

Is this the same girl who was told by her mother she could stay for dinner at your house because she was too tired to cook?

From your previous thread it sounds like your whole neighbourhood has boundary issues.  I think your plan to ask for a relative's phone number is good. 

If the little girl shows up for your daughters party uninvited I think you need to have a discussion with her.  I know that it isn't your responsibility but obviously she isn't getting that guidance from home.   Unless of course you would like her there, then invite her ahead of time.  If you decide you do not want her there you need to take a firm stance.  Offer to invite her for a different play date but it is a firm no for the party.  It might seem a little strange but I think that you might need to make things a little more formal.  Set up play dates... make the girl phone to see if your daughter can play instead of just coming over.  Make this her habit and not rely on the mom - five might be a little young to try enforce this, I don't know...

[immadz]

I honestly can't think of any sort of response that would affect her mother instead of Jamie.

Too bad, so sad. Jamie's mother's lack of parenting does not Stranger's problem make.

And Jamie's mother's lack of parenting does not make upsetting a child any less of a jerk move.

No. However, upsetting your child at his birthday party because someone else was a lousy parent is not a very good idea either.

[Daffydilly]

Two suggestions:
One write up a list of the expenses from the last "party" the kid came to and present the billed hours to her mother.
Two take the offensive and have a friend waiting in the front yard to welcome the established guests and send away the uninvited. It's over kill but after what the woman has pulled it may be your best bet. Or plan to put the little girl in a room with a movie and tell her that she needs to wait for her mother to pick her up. She was rewarded last time and has learned that she can cry, crash the party and it's all okay.

[Suze]

do NOT let this child at another birthday party -- just because.

her mother got a free babysitter at your son's party - and she got to have fun and get prizes.

if you know where her grandmother lives you can find out her phone number.  Use it.

I know it will be hard to say no to a crying face - but it is not your job to care for a neighbor girl because there is something "fun" going on at your house.

[zainabzks]

The following saying comes to mind:

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

You need to knock on her door and clearly set the boundaries. Let her know you will call the police if she does the same thing at your daughter's party. You can only be taken advantage of if you let someone.