Author Topic: The perfect response, if only I had used it!Update #62  (Read 14593 times)

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Danismom

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Re: The perfect response, if only I had used it!
« Reply #60 on: March 25, 2010, 09:04:03 PM »
I would not invite Jamie to the party either.  I am horrified by the mother's behavior!  I think it would be wise to call CPS for a "consult" about the situation.  Tell them what happened and your worries about Jamie.  Then, if/when the mother does this again, there is a record.  Also, it is plausible that CPS would respond to your initial call by interviewing the mother and explaining to her that her behavior is abandonment.  I'm not sure they would but the "consult" could help you determine your best course of action and how to expect the system to respond. 

I do think that shielding Jamie as much as possible from the effects of her mother's behavior is kind.  You walk a fine line between not rewarding bad behavior and protecting a child from a parent's neglect.  I imagine Jamie knows that she wasn't invited and was dumped at your doorstep.  What must it have been like for this little 5 year old to know she wasn't wanted at a party and to know that her mother didn't want her at home either, and so dumped her somewhere she wasn't welcome.  Even though you included her, she knew going in that she wasn't wanted there.  You did your best to make it better for her, but my heart just breaks for her.  I can't imagine how heartless the mother must be to do this to a little kid.

For next time, I would first see what CPS advises.  I don't know if they would handle it differently if you included Jamie in the party, thus making her a guest instead of an abandoned child.  I would plan for her to be dropped off.  If possible I would probably take her to her grandmother's house.  If there's no one answering the door at Jamie's house or at her grandmother's house, I would have snacks and a movie set up in an alternate room with 1 adult/teenager there to babysit Jamie (if CPS says they can't do anything if she's a 'guest' at your DD's party, otherwise I'd let her be part of the party). 

I think there's a difference between including her when she shows up and inviting her.  Including her when she shows up means that you put on a show of scrambling a bit to gather a plate, cup, fork, etc for the extra child.  It lets Jamie know she wasn't expected without making her feel totally left out.  Maybe I'm totally off base on this one though.

meliboea

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Re: The perfect response, if only I had used it!
« Reply #61 on: March 26, 2010, 01:14:49 PM »
The following saying comes to mind:

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

You need to knock on her door and clearly set the boundaries. Let her know you will call the police if she does the same thing at your daughter's party. You can only be taken advantage of if you let someone.

POD. Launch a pre-emptive strike letting her know her actions weren't acceptable and won't be tolerated again.

Stranger

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Re: The perfect response, if only I had used it!Update #62
« Reply #62 on: March 27, 2010, 03:59:11 AM »
Update:

The party was wonderful. Jamie didn't come over (she was at not at home since Thursday) and I haven't had a chance to speak to her mum yet. This is something I am adamant to do, though - for Jamie's sake as well as ours.

There was two incidents that blew my mind, though.

1. DD invited 5 girls to her party. The invitation had all my contact details and a request to RSVP before x date. We had no response from A's parents by the RSVP date, so I sent a letter home to her parents asking to be contacted within two days, or we would assume that A could not attend the party.

It's not possible to get contact details from the school, and I've never seen this girl's parents. Deadline comes and goes, no answer. DD subsequently invited another friend (family friends slightly older daughter). Guess who arrived on time for the party today? It wasn't a huge crisis, but we had some serious rearranging to do to make the party activity possible, and poor DS had to go without treats and party favours again!

2. Another little guest's mum dropped her off, and informed me that she could not collect her child at 4, but would "try to come around" before 7. I said : "I'm afraid that won't be possible. If you can't get her by 4, she may get her party favour and you will have to take her home with you."

This made her change her mind (or so I thought) because she assured me that she would be here at 4 to collect her daughter. Guess who arrived at 6? *sigh*

Some people make me afraid to host parties.

I'm very happy that DD enjoyed her party, her friends had fun, and she never noticed anything amiss. We will try again next year!

meliboea

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Re: The perfect response, if only I had used it!Update #62
« Reply #63 on: March 27, 2010, 08:48:24 AM »
Another little guest's mum dropped her off, and informed me that she could not collect her child at 4, but would "try to come around" before 7. I said : "I'm afraid that won't be possible. If you can't get her by 4, she may get her party favour and you will have to take her home with you."

This made her change her mind (or so I thought) because she assured me that she would be here at 4 to collect her daughter. Guess who arrived at 6? *sigh*

Wow... the mind just boggles at the entitlement some people seem to harbor. What did you say when she eventually turned up?

I know a lot of people will argue that you should shield children from the consequences of their parent's bad behaviour, but if I were you, I wouldn't be hosting this child again.

JacklynHyde

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Re: The perfect response, if only I had used it!Update #62
« Reply #64 on: March 29, 2010, 07:03:20 PM »
It's such a shame that your children, especially your son, have been put out because of the behavior of their friends' parents.  Even worse is that they will probably be penalized when you decline to invite certain friends to their future parties.  What crudbunny parents!

VorFemme

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Re: The perfect response, if only I had used it!Update #62
« Reply #65 on: March 30, 2010, 06:30:30 PM »
Sounds like the next time you have someone tell you that they will be picking their child up three hours after the party is over, you tell them that the police will be called with an abandoned child report at X time after the party is over (give a reasonable time that allows for traffic problems in your area).  It could also be phrased that you will be calling the police to inquire if the child's parents have been involved in an accident, because they are well past the time that they knew the party was going to be over by.

Letting her leave the child with the "oh, well, I'll be back earlier then" makes me wonder if she really was just giving you lip service and then flounced off to do what she wanted to do anyway...........because two hours later is NOT reasonable unless there was a reason (accident, breakdown, or something of an emergency nature).  Planning to be hours late is NOT good manners.
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Daffydilly

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Re: The perfect response, if only I had used it!Update #62
« Reply #66 on: March 30, 2010, 06:56:18 PM »
It someone is late or mentions that they will be there several hours later, just let them know what your rate is per hour. As of the party's defined time, it is a party. The hours after the party are babysitting hours and you will charge accordingly.

HeebyJeebyLeebee

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Re: The perfect response, if only I had used it!Update #62
« Reply #67 on: March 31, 2010, 08:53:29 AM »
It someone is late or mentions that they will be there several hours later, just let them know what your rate is per hour. As of the party's defined time, it is a party. The hours after the party are babysitting hours and you will charge accordingly.

I really like this idea.  Keep in mind that since you are a very qualified mother of 2, you're worth a good wage.  So definitely charge more than what the average rate is for teenaged sitters in your area. 

Though that does open the door for some parents to think it's OK to leave their kids with you for too long because they can just pay you.   :-\
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miss_ann_thrope

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Re: The perfect response, if only I had used it!Update #62
« Reply #68 on: March 31, 2010, 12:14:06 PM »
It someone is late or mentions that they will be there several hours later, just let them know what your rate is per hour. As of the party's defined time, it is a party. The hours after the party are babysitting hours and you will charge accordingly.

I really like this idea.  Keep in mind that since you are a very qualified mother of 2, you're worth a good wage.  So definitely charge more than what the average rate is for teenaged sitters in your area. 

Though that does open the door for some parents to think it's OK to leave their kids with you for too long because they can just pay you.   :-\


I like this idea, but I'm just wondering how you're going to get the mom to pay you. I can just picture the long, loud 'argument' over "I'm not paying you! It's a PAAAARTY!"
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kansha

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Re: The perfect response, if only I had used it!Update #62
« Reply #69 on: March 31, 2010, 12:22:55 PM »
 :o

what the ehell did this parent say when they finally picked up their kid?  'oh my bad, didn't realize the time?' =/

It's good to be Queen

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Re: The perfect response, if only I had used it!Update #62
« Reply #70 on: March 31, 2010, 01:13:35 PM »
Now that it seems everyone has a cell phone, I know that most of the parents in my neighorhood make sure they have contact numbers for both parents when kids are being dropped off for parties.  It won't stop the extremely late parents from not answering their phones, but at least you can leave ever more frantic sounding messages asking where they are.  It doesn't hurt to throw in lines about accidents and calling the police or hospitals!


My SIL actually has the helicopter parent problem.  She will specify a DROP OFF time for the party, but the parents will want to stay (and seem to expect to be fed and entertained).  Her kids are 8 and 9 so their friends are definitely old enough to be left.

Polly

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Re: The perfect response, if only I had used it!
« Reply #71 on: April 04, 2010, 06:40:36 PM »
I do think that shielding Jamie as much as possible from the effects of her mother's behavior is kind.  You walk a fine line between not rewarding bad behavior and protecting a child from a parent's neglect.  I imagine Jamie knows that she wasn't invited and was dumped at your doorstep.  What must it have been like for this little 5 year old to know she wasn't wanted at a party and to know that her mother didn't want her at home either, and so dumped her somewhere she wasn't welcome.  Even though you included her, she knew going in that she wasn't wanted there.  You did your best to make it better for her, but my heart just breaks for her.  I can't imagine how heartless the mother must be to do this to a little kid.

This. While she is old enough to learn about manners and good behaviour, this situation is beyond her control at her age. As I see it, there is nothing for her to learn except that she's basically unwanted and a burden. From the OP, I didn't take it that Jamie was the reason for the histrionics- I totally read that her mother engineered the whole thing, and Jamie was upset in the process, and probably embarrassed but too young to really understand the situation - and certainly not able to control it or behave differently.

Poor kid. I do see that by accepting (in any way, even if that means you are duped into it) the mother's behaviour you in some measure are an accessory to it, so you need to take firm stance and set boundaries so that it is clear you think she is wrong. But that said, there is NO WAY I could leave a sobbing kid on the porch or even in another room. Personally, in trying to protect Jamie I'd probably end up in a right mess with the mother.

What a horrible situation. I do think you need to (a) talk to the mother and (b) insist on calling other parties and making one h3ll of a fuss if she abandons her daughter again - while protecting Jamie from any drama so far as possible (i.e. if possible try to ensure she isn't in the room if there is a confrontation).

Minmom3

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Re: The perfect response, if only I had used it!Update #62
« Reply #72 on: April 05, 2010, 12:40:42 AM »
Or just move the party off site, where neighbor mom can't horn in...  Much less fraught with stress, to me.  I think.
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kudeebee

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Re: The perfect response, if only I had used it!Update #62
« Reply #73 on: April 08, 2010, 11:56:09 PM »
You should have hung up immediately during the second and subsequent calls when you knew it was Jaimie or her  mom on the phone.  Next time do not answer the door if you see it is her or answer the door and tell her to go home.  If she tells you mom isn't home, call the police immediately and have them  come and get her.  Do not allow her to join in on the fun.  You have now made it okay for that to occur.

You should not have given Jaimie any prizes or a gift bag--she was not invited.  Your ds should not have to give his up for an uninvited desk.  When mom wasn't there to pick her up, same with the little girl at your party, I would have called them once on their cell phones (be sure to get numbers) then called the police.

I know some will think this is harsh, but these little girls are not your responsibility. 

Glad she didn't show up for dd's party.

I would severely limit contact with this little girl and your dd, starting right now!

MissRose

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Re: The perfect response, if only I had used it!Update #62
« Reply #74 on: April 27, 2010, 10:34:58 AM »
The mother has alot of nerve to just drop off her young daughter like that and think you won't have an issue with that.

The girl is old enough at 5 to start learning that she can't go to every party and every place.  I know its hard to accept that you can't do all stuff as there are limits.  There are even adults who still think they are entitled to go to every event even when not invited!

Reminds of some of the neighbor moms when I was growing up that would send their kids outside in the summer, and lock the door.  They would go and bother other kids & some of the kids either didnt wish to play or had chores to do first before having fun, and some of the parents did care & sent the wayward kids on their way.