From the E-Hell Blog: State of Denial

[Starchasm]

This one was so weird I just HAD to post it.  What on earth is going on?

    When my husband and I were trying to figure out where to get married (we already had the date and time) a “friend” offered us her house and backyard. She said she would be “thrilled” for us to get married in her backyard and host the reception in her home. Since we were on a shoe-string budget, we were glad for the offer. We rented chairs and tables for outside, and located a tent. Every time I got an updated headcount I informed our “friend” so she would know how many people would be in her home. I asked every time I gave her a headcount, “Are you sure you’re still OK with this many people in your house?” and her answer was always, “Oh, yes, I’m so glad to help out!”.

    A month before the wedding I got a hysterical phone call from the couple who was making our cake. They said our “friend” had called them all upset to say she was sorry she had ever agreed to let us get married at her house and she was having second thoughts about it, and they wanted to know why I hadn’t informed them of the change in location. I immediately called our “friend” and asked what the hell was going on and why hadn’t she said anything in the *5* months before now? She denied eveything and said she had no idea what they were talking about; she’d never said such a thing. About 3 days later I got an email from another guest, telling me the same thing - our “friend” had called the guest, all upset over agreeing to let us get married in her house, etc. and the guest wanted to know what was going on. I called our “friend” again, and she denied it all again. We couldn’t move the location at the 11th hour. Invitations had already gone out, tables and chairs had been paid for, tent was being delivered in 3 weeks. Up until the day of the wedding our “friend” kept declaring to our faces she was thrilled to help and glad we were getting married there. For weeks after the ceremony several other guests called or emailed their concerns over what our “friend” had said to them in the weeks before the wedding. That was almost 5 years ago and I still don’t speak to her. 0912-08

[pierrotlunaire0]

If I had been the bride, I would have driven nuts.  And even if the friend found herself in over her head, she needed to either speak up to the bride, or stop telling everyone else.

[auntmeegs]

Seriously, the only thing I could come up with was multiple personalities. 
I'm curious to know what else they heard from people after the wedding happened.  And I'd love to know how the "friend" behaved on the actual day of the wedding.   

[claddagh lass]

I've got more questions than I've got answers for this.

It reminded me of something that happened in grade school.  "A" was friends with "B" but "A" angered "B" so they stopped being friends.  "B" went around impersonating "A" saying "'A's' birthday party had been cancelled because 'A' didn't like any of her friends anymore."  "B" then went and "befriended" "A's" friends and they stopped having anything to do with "A."

So I'm wondering if this is something in a similar vein.  If none of these things were said face-to-face it makes me wonder.  Was this a malicious attack by someone?  Or was it said friend had issues?

If the friend was in their right mind and doing this because they thought it was funny then shame on that person!

[TylerBelle]

Sounds to me like a bit of martyrism with the house-offering friend wanting to vent about what a burden she was undertaking. Although when confronted, nothing at all was wrong and she was just as happy as ever to have the wedding at her house.

I agree the situation would have driven me bonkers and even if it were too late, I'd try perhaps in vain to find another venue. I'm sorry for any inconvenience of changing it may have caused the friend, but you can't be flaky with an event as a wedding and expect the HC to simply roll with it.  

[Auntie Mame]

Sounds to me like a bit of martyrism with the house-offering friend wanting to vent about what a burden she was undertaking. Although when confronted, nothing at all was wrong and she was just as happy as ever to have the wedding at her house.

I agree the situation would have driven me bonkers and even if it were too late, I'd try perhaps in vain to find another venue. I'm sorry for any inconvenience of changing it may have caused the friend, but you can't be flaky with an event as a wedding and expect the HC to simply roll with it.  

You nailed it!

That's precisely what my (s)mother would do.  Agree, or offer, to do something she does't want to do so she can turn around and complain six ways to sundays.  When confronted it's all hugs and puppies.  You turn around and she's nailing herself to a cross.  People like the letter wrter's friend live to be victims. 

[Hushabye]

I was going to say horrifically ridiculous attempt to get the LW to change the venue without the friend being forced to complain about the burden openly.  But martyr complex is likely, too.  I don't blame the LW for not remaining friends with the woman.

[Starchasm]

I was wondering about a martyr complex, but what on earth was she hoping to accomplish?  Did she just want recognition from the couple, or did she really not want to host the wedding?  That would drive me nuts!

[SkyTalon]

I was wondering about a martyr complex, but what on earth was she hoping to accomplish?  Did she just want recognition from the couple, or did she really not want to host the wedding?  That would drive me nuts!

If she's like my MIL, absolutely nothing. She just wants sympathy, the ability to martyr herself and for all to pity her.

[HonorH]

Seems to me that the two basic possibilities are: 1) Malicious third party is going around impersonating the hostess and complaining to guests; or, 2) the hostess has a case of Martyr Syndrome.  Mr. Occam says the second possibility is more likely.  I think the hostess was complaining to make herself look like a martyr whose generous offer of time and space for a wedding was going to put her over the edge, but she'd do it anyway because she's Just That Good A Friend.    And of course everything's sunshine and roses for the bride, because if she complained to the bride, the bride might decide not to impose on her, and what would that look like to everyone else?  Of course she has to put herself out for this wedding!  How will everyone know how generous and self-sacrificing she is if she doesn't?

[hjaye]

Seems to me that the two basic possibilities are: 1) Malicious third party is going around impersonating the hostess and complaining to guests; or, 2) the hostess has a case of Martyr Syndrome.  Mr. Occam says the second possibility is more likely.  I think the hostess was complaining to make herself look like a martyr whose generous offer of time and space for a wedding was going to put her over the edge, but she'd do it anyway because she's Just That Good A Friend.    And of course everything's sunshine and roses for the bride, because if she complained to the bride, the bride might decide not to impose on her, and what would that look like to everyone else?  Of course she has to put herself out for this wedding!  How will everyone know how generous and self-sacrificing she is if she doesn't?

I really don't think it was a malicious third party, I pretty much recognize the voice of people I know when I'm talking on the phone, that plus the fact that caller ID has been around for a while a now and unless this was a very long time ago, you can see the phone number (and name if it's coming from a house phone) of the person who is calling you, so I think it would be kind of hard for a person to pretend to be someone else while calling and complaining to mutual friends.

[Merry Mrs Martin]

malicious third party  sounds a little far fetched in this circumstance....

it's a friends house , friends were baking the cake , the people complained to would be in the house of the "complainer"  .... these people are not vendors who will never see each other again. 

"This is Mary please cancel my reception to a vendor/stranger" is nuts but " this is Sue I will not be hosting Marys wedding anymore" is really an annoyance it's not going to end the wedding and all the people involved will be together at some point. If the hotel your wedding was at called to cancel my room reservations because of a fire I would call you not assume the wedding was off.