Author Topic: From the Guests archive 2003- horrible, horrible hosts  (Read 7123 times)

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Jolie_kitten

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From the Guests archive 2003- horrible, horrible hosts
« on: March 24, 2010, 03:34:08 PM »
All I could say while reading it: Oh my... how heinous!
So, here's how the story goes(my comments in red):
(Guests 0830-03)

"First off, I'd like to say thank you for considering my story. You have a really wonderful website, and you manage to make it both humorous and informative. It's a great resource for those who are *ahem* a little inept as far as social skills go.

These are a handful of stories about Dan, a young man I dated in high school, and his lovely family. The first story begins one evening, when I had come to Dan's house after school. We would usually walk home together, and go either to my house or his. I hadn't noticed it was getting late in the afternoon (around 5:30), until his father poked his head in Dan's bedroom door, where we were studying, looked pointedly at me, and said, "Dan, dinner is ready." Embarrassed that I was intrudingWhy should you be?, I stood to go. Dan stopped me and said, "Just stay here. It won't take me long to eat." What? OK... I thought it was logical and elementary that when there is a guest in your house and you're having dinner, you're absolutely supposed to offer that person dinner as well... I mean, I think it's rude not to do so with the cleaning lady, let alone the person your son is d@ting.  

Shocked, I remained in the room. After I had gathered the guts to leave, I walked out through the house, passing by the dining room as I was leaving. Summoning as much dignity as I could, I said, "I'm sorry to have interrupted you. Good evening" and I went to let myself out.Sweety, you're a real lady. Unlike others... :P Dan immediately jumped up, grabbed my arm, and said, "I told you to stay in my room. I'm almost done."Unlike others..

I was humiliated that I was no longer seen as a guest but an intruder, and told Dan as much. He seemed surprised that I was upset.I guess some people wouldn't know they're being rude and inconsiderate even if there were a red-flashing, loud-beeping RUDE alarm going off in front of them. I told him I'd see him the following dayFrankly, I would have told him I won't see him again if he was the last man on Earth , and left quietly.

There was another incident when his father had left town for a day or two. Dan's mother worked two jobs to support them, while Dan's father stayed home and did the cooking. Not cooking and cleaning, just the cooking. He was fully capable of working; he simply chose to let his wife shoulder the responsibilities of financially supporting their household. But, I digress. Dan and his mother did not know how to cook, and Dan had mentioned to me the previous day that he would have liked to make spaghetti, but he didn't know how. Eager to help, I offered to come and show him how to make spaghetti.

When I had said, "I'll show you how", I suppose he thought I meant, "I'll cook it for you while you and your mother watch televangelists", because that's basically what happened.Why am I not surprised, by now? Seriously, at this point I think it's legitimate to just say: "OK, people; if you really want to learn how to cook pasta, please stand by me and watch what I'm doing; if not, I'll just go home and leave it for another day". Let alone that, with normal people, if someone is showing you a recipe/cooking at your place, you're supposed to be giving a helping hand. Well, I was a little upset (I should mention that Dan regularly ate at my house, at least once a week, and I had never been invited for dinner. Back to what I was saying... For my family and pretty much everyone I know, when your kid's girlfriend/boyfriend comes over, you are supposed to feed them :P. It's elementary. I didn't expect an invitation,You're an angel. but I especially did not expect to be treated like a servant when I visited.) When, after announcing to Dan and his mother that the food was ready, he came into the kitchen, loaded his plate up, and said, "Great! You should probably be going home now, isn't it your dinner time as well?"Whaaaat? I think my jaw dropped trough 3 flats and hit the basement floor. At that point, I would have seriously considered throwing that plate of spagghetti into the guy's head... >:D can fantasizing sentence me to ehell? ::)

I have the firm belief that this family is the carrier of the "bad manners gene". Where do you think he learned that kind of behaviour? :P "You know, in Romanian language we have a very suggestive expression- "Neamuri proaste"- it means very rude, uncivil, etiquette-clueless people, but it literally translates as "bad family/bad relatives"His mother quite frequently regaled me with stories of her menstrual troubles Ewwwwwww... grosss(really things which are too graphic to mention here). Not to mention, when Dan and I broke up (much to his father's relief; the man openly hated me not only because I am a practicing Catholic and he disagreed with my choice of religion, but because I am a redhead as well.Good reason indeed :P), his mother felt the need to verbally bash me, saying I dressed like a slut. Sure she was in a position to give lessons...I may have been a typical teenager, but my dress was far from inappropriate.

Thankfully, I am now with a wonderful man whose manners are impeccable (he actually opens doors for me. Dan believed I should open doors for him!That would have been something to watch...), and whose family is so kind, they are like my own family.

I am truly thankful to have found people who are not carriers of the "bad etiquette gene"."

« Last Edit: March 24, 2010, 03:42:15 PM by Jolie_kitten »
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Tia2

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Re: From the Guests archive 2003- horrible, horrible hosts
« Reply #1 on: March 24, 2010, 03:41:46 PM »
All I could say while reading it: Oh my... how heinous!
So, here's how the story goes(my comments in red):
(Guests 0830-03)


These are a handful of stories about Dan, a young man I dated in high school, and his lovely family. The first story begins one evening, when I had come to Dan's house after school. We would usually walk home together, and go either to my house or his. I hadn't noticed it was getting late in the afternoon (around 5:30), until his father poked his head in Dan's bedroom door, where we were studying, looked pointedly at me, and said, "Dan, dinner is ready." Embarrassed that I was intrudingWhy should you be?, I stood to go. Dan stopped me and said, "Just stay here. It won't take me long to eat." What? OK... I thought it was logical and elementary that when there is a guest in your house and you're having dinner, you're absolutely supposed to offer that person dinner as well... I mean, I think it's rude not to do so with the cleaning lady, let alone the person your son is d@ting. 



While I think the rest is rude, the OP here makes it clear she knows she isn't invited to eat but has lost track of time.  I think it is perfectly acceptable for a parent of a high school age child to make it clear that it is time for friends to leave before the meal.

It seems to me that Dan was the one who was rude here (and on all the other occasions) since he forced his father to effectively ask the OP to leave rather than winding things up prior to the mealtime.

MDefarge

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Re: From the Guests archive 2003- horrible, horrible hosts
« Reply #2 on: March 24, 2010, 03:42:52 PM »
All I could say while reading it: Oh my... how heinous!
So, here's how the story goes(my comments in red):
(Guests 0830-03)


These are a handful of stories about Dan, a young man I dated in high school, and his lovely family. The first story begins one evening, when I had come to Dan's house after school. We would usually walk home together, and go either to my house or his. I hadn't noticed it was getting late in the afternoon (around 5:30), until his father poked his head in Dan's bedroom door, where we were studying, looked pointedly at me, and said, "Dan, dinner is ready." Embarrassed that I was intrudingWhy should you be?, I stood to go. Dan stopped me and said, "Just stay here. It won't take me long to eat." What? OK... I thought it was logical and elementary that when there is a guest in your house and you're having dinner, you're absolutely supposed to offer that person dinner as well... I mean, I think it's rude not to do so with the cleaning lady, let alone the person your son is d@ting. 



While I think the rest is rude, the OP here makes it clear she knows she isn't invited to eat but has lost track of time.  I think it is perfectly acceptable for a parent of a high school age child to make it clear that it is time for friends to leave before the meal.

It seems to me that Dan was the one who was rude here (and on all the other occasions) since he forced his father to effectively ask the OP to leave rather than winding things up prior to the mealtime.

I agree with Tiamet - it wasn't rude to not invite the OP to dinner, but the rest was pretty bad.

Hushabye

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Re: From the Guests archive 2003- horrible, horrible hosts
« Reply #3 on: March 24, 2010, 03:44:10 PM »
All I could say while reading it: Oh my... how heinous!
So, here's how the story goes(my comments in red):
(Guests 0830-03)


These are a handful of stories about Dan, a young man I dated in high school, and his lovely family. The first story begins one evening, when I had come to Dan's house after school. We would usually walk home together, and go either to my house or his. I hadn't noticed it was getting late in the afternoon (around 5:30), until his father poked his head in Dan's bedroom door, where we were studying, looked pointedly at me, and said, "Dan, dinner is ready." Embarrassed that I was intrudingWhy should you be?, I stood to go. Dan stopped me and said, "Just stay here. It won't take me long to eat." What? OK... I thought it was logical and elementary that when there is a guest in your house and you're having dinner, you're absolutely supposed to offer that person dinner as well... I mean, I think it's rude not to do so with the cleaning lady, let alone the person your son is d@ting. 



While I think the rest is rude, the OP here makes it clear she knows she isn't invited to eat but has lost track of time.  I think it is perfectly acceptable for a parent of a high school age child to make it clear that it is time for friends to leave before the meal.

It seems to me that Dan was the one who was rude here (and on all the other occasions) since he forced his father to effectively ask the OP to leave rather than winding things up prior to the mealtime.

I agree completely.  Parents (all adults, really) are absolutely allowed to send guests home who have overstayed their welcome at dinnertime.

The rest of it, though, was bad, bad, bad, primarily on Dan's part.

Jolie_kitten

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Re: From the Guests archive 2003- horrible, horrible hosts
« Reply #4 on: March 24, 2010, 03:51:31 PM »
I don't know, it may be culturally different... But as far as I know, while it's not OK to stay over an agreed time, when it, however, happens (and especially when you are studying/working on a project with someone), and it is dinner time, it is a HUGE faux pas from the host not to ask you to eat with them. (I do agree that it's rude to overstay- but I don't see how being even more rude right back by not asking can be seen as acceptable)- maybe very delicate hinting that you should get going- BEFORE actually announcing dinner would be OK. Maybe! (Depending on how it's done). And maybe the right thing to do in this case, if asked, would be to graciously refuse, though even then it depends... There are people who would be offended by you refusing dinner.
Plus- at 5:30 you can't possibly *guess* that they'll be having an early dinner.
« Last Edit: March 24, 2010, 03:54:47 PM by Jolie_kitten »
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Hushabye

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Re: From the Guests archive 2003- horrible, horrible hosts
« Reply #5 on: March 24, 2010, 03:55:20 PM »
I don't know, it may be culturally different... But as far as I know, while it's not OK to stay over an agreed time, when it, however, happens (and especially when you are studying/working on a project with someone), and it is dinner time, it is a HUGE faux pas from the host not to ask you to eat with them- maybe very delicate hinting that you should get going- BEFORE actually announcing dinner would be OK. Maybe! (Depending on how it's done). And maybe the right thing to do in this case, if asked, would be to graciously refuse, though even then it depends... There are people who would be offended by you refusing dinner.
Plus- at 5:30 you can't possibly *guess* that they'll be having an early dinner.


On the board, it's generally considered absolutely fine to tell guests that the time has come for a visit to end, for whatever reason the hosts need it to end (dinner, getting children to bed, it's just time for them to GO, whatever) as long as they're polite about it.  In fact, we've had lots of threads about how parents get their kids' friends out of the house at dinnertime, and I don't recall a single instance where the hosts were told to, essentially, suck it up and provide an unanticipated guest with dinner.

TylerBelle

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Re: From the Guests archive 2003- horrible, horrible hosts
« Reply #6 on: March 24, 2010, 04:06:36 PM »
This is one of my all-time favorites, too. The part with the fellow nonchallantly dismissing the LW after she makes him and his mother the spaghetti dinner just kills me, especially with the knowledge of his often eating at her house. After scraping my jaw up off the floor, I'd be out of there in a flash, never looking back and having nothing more to do with the guy or his family.
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Jolie_kitten

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Re: From the Guests archive 2003- horrible, horrible hosts
« Reply #7 on: March 24, 2010, 04:28:44 PM »
@Southern Sugar& Tiamet: Then I guess it really is a cultural issue and I'm getting a better understanding of the situation
Two situations that come into my mind right now, to kind of illustrate how Romanian mothers feel about feeding their kids' boyfriends/girlfriends.
(1). Each time I go to my boyfriends' parents' house, his mother insists on offering me something to eat- every two hours or so  ;D.Regardless of the hour, regardless if I'm hungry or not (and according to Romanian etiquette, it's kind of impolite to refuse). She always tells me "If you're hungry don't be shy, just come and ask me".
(2). My boyfriend was once at my house. He was to spend the night at my place before we'd leave in the early morning for our holiday, and he had agreed to help my mother with some computer work. After lunch, I had to go for a few hours, I was in a volunteering team organizing a festival and we had to have kind of an emergency meeting. Before I went, I asked my boyfriend if he would like to have some cake; he declined. I reminded him that cake was on the fridge if he wanted to get some and off I went. First thing my mother asks me when I get home: "Why didn't you give him cake?"
@TylerBelle- you don't happen to be Romanian as well, do you?
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Azrail

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Re: From the Guests archive 2003- horrible, horrible hosts
« Reply #8 on: March 24, 2010, 06:59:19 PM »
I don't see any rudeness coming from the dad, although it definately would have been nice if he had asked the OP if she would like to stay for dinner.

But Dan and his mother - SHEESH.
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HorseFreak

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Re: From the Guests archive 2003- horrible, horrible hosts
« Reply #9 on: March 24, 2010, 07:22:42 PM »
@Southern Sugar& Tiamet: Then I guess it really is a cultural issue and I'm getting a better understanding of the situation
Two situations that come into my mind right now, to kind of illustrate how Romanian mothers feel about feeding their kids' boyfriends/girlfriends.
(1). Each time I go to my boyfriends' parents' house, his mother insists on offering me something to eat- every two hours or so  ;D.Regardless of the hour, regardless if I'm hungry or not (and according to Romanian etiquette, it's kind of impolite to refuse). She always tells me "If you're hungry don't be shy, just come and ask me".
(2). My boyfriend was once at my house. He was to spend the night at my place before we'd leave in the early morning for our holiday, and he had agreed to help my mother with some computer work. After lunch, I had to go for a few hours, I was in a volunteering team organizing a festival and we had to have kind of an emergency meeting. Before I went, I asked my boyfriend if he would like to have some cake; he declined. I reminded him that cake was on the fridge if he wanted to get some and off I went. First thing my mother asks me when I get home: "Why didn't you give him cake?"
@TylerBelle- you don't happen to be Romanian as well, do you?

It also sounds like this family didn't have a lot of money to throw around feeding unexpected guests. In the US, it isn't expected that you feed every visitor who has overstayed their welcome and especially not the people you have hired to work in your home (though if you can, great). Dan's behavior with the spaghetti was appalling, though.

Paper Roses

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Re: From the Guests archive 2003- horrible, horrible hosts
« Reply #10 on: March 24, 2010, 08:15:50 PM »
This line bothered me a bit:


He was fully capable of working; he simply chose to let his wife shoulder the responsibilities of financially supporting their household.


Whether or not that's true, I don't see where it's any of her business. 
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Azrail

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Re: From the Guests archive 2003- horrible, horrible hosts
« Reply #11 on: March 24, 2010, 08:19:08 PM »
This line bothered me a bit:


He was fully capable of working; he simply chose to let his wife shoulder the responsibilities of financially supporting their household.


Whether or not that's true, I don't see where it's any of her business. 

I agree. So he's a house husband!
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Jolie_kitten

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Re: From the Guests archive 2003- horrible, horrible hosts
« Reply #12 on: March 25, 2010, 12:53:41 AM »
It also sounds like this family didn't have a lot of money to throw around feeding unexpected guests.
Yeah, sure, a plate of food would totally ruin them....  :P
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Bratski

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Re: From the Guests archive 2003- horrible, horrible hosts
« Reply #13 on: March 25, 2010, 03:47:08 AM »
 
Yeah, sure, a plate of food would totally ruin them....  :P

Actually that is possible. A few years ago DH and I were so poor we would eat sandwiches while the kids had a proper supper, we didn't have enough for all five of us to eat. Even if we wanted to feed a guest, we couldn't. It would have literally taken food out of my kids mouths to do so.

Dan and his mother both sound like a real piece of work. I don't know how the OP could stand it for as long as she did!

HorseFreak

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Re: From the Guests archive 2003- horrible, horrible hosts
« Reply #14 on: March 25, 2010, 06:26:43 AM »
It also sounds like this family didn't have a lot of money to throw around feeding unexpected guests.
Yeah, sure, a plate of food would totally ruin them....  :P

I don't believe its our place to judge how much money one has or doesn't have. Feeding her once would set a precedent that may mean feeding her three nights a week and that really adds up. I know I can't afford to feed an extra person.