Two preacher stories from the wedding archive

[aventurine]

But then he bellowed "Who among you are the Whoremongerers!?" And my uncle Jimmy stood up and yelled right back "I'm over here!"

I'm with your dad.  That's hysterical!!

 

[Sirius]

But then he bellowed "Who among you are the Whoremongerers!?" And my uncle Jimmy stood up and yelled right back "I'm over here!"

I'm with your dad.  That's hysterical!!

 

I can picture some of my family members doing that. 

One of the advantages of being an older bride:  If the pastor who married me and Mr. Sirius had gotten off on a tangent, I would have told him (quietly, of course) "Yo, Fred - get on with it!" 

[Fidgets]

I find the second one hard to believe...people sat there for almost 5 hours waiting for the priest & minister to finish debating?

Wow!  I didn't realize this one got pulled up for "review"--I'm honored!    The second story of the marathon-dueling-men-o'-God is mine.  And yes, Mbbored, it's absolutely true that we all sat there like lumps, mouths dropped open.  I think it was a combination of not wanting to be rude by getting up and leaving in the midst of what was still a wedding and (likely mostly) like seeing a wreck--you can't really believe what you see and you can't really look away. 

ETA: After seeing some of the other questions, I'll answer as best I may.  Please bear in mind that when this took place, I was a kid still living at home.  I'm far from a kid now. 

1. We were in our seats at about 11am.  When we left, it was getting on for 4pm.
2. People may well have been sneaking out the back.  If they were, they were very, very quiet about it, other than folks taking out crying babies and/or screaming small children.  And had I turned in my seat to look, Mum would've clouted me 'round the ear-hole.
3. My biggest memories of the day was a) how hungry I was getting and b) how very, very badly I needed a bathroom.  We did not go on to the reception; we stopped at a restaurant because of Mum and Dad also suffering from a) and b) above and we were all just tired at that point.  Next time we visited the Grandparents, Mum mentioned the wedding and Grandma just held up her hand "stop" fashion.  Since the entire family consisted of my Dad, his Mum (Grandma), his step-father (Grandpa) and his half-brother (Uncle), and me (Great-aunt and Uncle were unable to attend due to health and both my brothers were in the Army by then), we didn't have anyone to compare notes with.
4.  Yes, the attendants stood through this whole thing.  How, I dunno, but based on what little I'd seen of my (at that point) aunt-to-be and what little I saw of her afterwards, I would guess fear of what she might do if someone fainted on *her day* may have entered into it.  That is strictly my hypothesis based on my impressions of her.

[MrTango]

I the first story. I would have walked to the doors and tried to leave. If prevented, I would have called 911 about the now hostage situation. Either the Bride and Groom were fellow hostages or they were in on the hostage taking.

Yep.

For the first story, I would have left after the ceremony.  If I were physically prevented from leaving, I would have used physical force to get myself out.

For the second, I would have walked out once the debating started.

[gramma dishes]

... 
2. People may well have been sneaking out the back.  If they were, they were very, very quiet about it, other than folks taking out crying babies and/or screaming small children.  ...

Even at the risk of being arrested for child abuse, I think had I been attending that particular debate marathon and I had a baby or small child with me, I'd have pinched the poor child to make it cry so that I could have an excuse to get out of there!!!   

[Virg]

I noticed a problem with the first preacher that I found entertaining.  Bridal dowries were designed to make a bride more attractive to suitors, and so the dowry was paid from the bride (well, usually from her father) to the groom.  So in insulting all of the women present, he even got that backward.

But I agree, I'd have gotten up to leave the first "ceremony" and I'd have taken a dim view of the ushers trying to prevent my exit.  I might have hung around for a while for the second to watch the fireworks, but honestly I'd probably have grown weary and left long before four hours had passed.

Virg

[Elfmama]

Where's the jaw-dropping smiley when you need it??  Rude, rude, on all the clergymens' accounts.

I remember when one of my cousins died several years ago, at his funeral service the preacher finished off his speech (not really a sermon as it was about the deceased) by giving those of us who were not members of the church a little lecture about how if we didn't accept Diety ASAP we were all headed directly to the Very Hot Place because Diety judges us all harshly...etc. Really? A funeral is not the place to be promoting your own agenda! I guess maybe he thought we would be feeling emotionally vulnerable following the death and therefore more open to joining his church. Nice.

Pastor who spoke at my stepmother's funeral did this, to a lesser extent.  Dad was not pleased; my brother and I sat and watched him, thinking, "oh, crud, he's gonna go after the idjit, and then what do we do?"

So did the preacher at my grandmother's funeral.  And he was told explicitly before the service that the three of us (Mom, Sister, and I) were agnostic/atheist/pagan, in that order, and to not make the kind of hysterical display that his predecessor did when burying my grandfather.  But later, at the funeral, he tried to turn it into a "Come into the Arms of Deity" call¹, dramatically fell to his knees in front of the first pew, and grabbed my hand and Mom's.   

I gave him my best Death Glare, whispered "Cut it out, preacher" and made the sign of the horns with my other hand where only he could see it, and he dropped our hands like they were hot rocks. *snerk*    He also went back to the funeral service, which he wrapped up in a hurry.

Really, who does this to an elderly woman who is burying her 95yo mother? 

¹There's a specific name for this, but it's washing through the sieve of my poor old pagan brain, and I can't remember it. 

[lady_disdain]

Revival?

[Elfmama]

Not revival, but something that they do at revivals.  [Something] call, when the preacher gets all wound up and asks people who want to be saved to come up to the front of the church/meeting hall. 

[violinp]

Not revival, but something that they do at revivals.  [Something] call, when the preacher gets all wound up and asks people who want to be saved to come up to the front of the church/meeting hall.

Altar call. They did it at a theater I went to to see a Christmas play at. They also took up donations...twice. Mom, Sis, and I booked it out of there at the mention of altar call.

[Elfmama]

That's probably it, violinp. 

Tell me that your religion brings you comfort and pleasure and I'm all for it. I might even go with you to services once or twice. 

Tell me that your holy book says that one of your pleasures in heaven will be watching me and my kind burn in the hot place for eternity and I'll run away from your religion as fast as my chubby little legs will take me.

[afbluebelle]

That's probably it, violinp. 

Tell me that your religion brings you comfort and pleasure and I'm all for it. I might even go with you to services once or twice. 

Tell me that your holy book says that one of your pleasures in heaven will be watching me and my kind burn in the hot place for eternity and I'll run away from your religion as fast as my chubby little legs will take me.

I apologize for laughing, but we had a Halloween 5k where one guy was dressed like the devil and brought his Black Labs dressed as hell hounds... There is a sweet race scene playing in my head right now. 

[Piratelvr1121]

I was raised in the Catholic church and after a while of being with DH I asked him why he was uncomfortable with the Catholic church. I wasn't trying to convert him at all, since I'm not very religious, I was just curious.

He told me that his only experience with the Catholic church was when his grandmother died (suicide) and during her funeral mass, the priest told all her loved ones that she would go to hell because of how she'd died.   Boy did I ever cringe at that one and told him that while I agree that priest and tact had apparently never met, not all of them were like that.

He's attended a couple funerals and weddings with me since then though and while like me he's not religious and has no desire to go regularly which is fine with me since I don't either, he's a lot more open minded about it after seeing that the priest he encountered at his grandmother's funeral was the exception, not the rule.

[kherbert05]

I was raised in the Catholic church and after a while of being with DH I asked him why he was uncomfortable with the Catholic church. I wasn't trying to convert him at all, since I'm not very religious, I was just curious.

He told me that his only experience with the Catholic church was when his grandmother died (suicide) and during her funeral mass, the priest told all her loved ones that she would go to hell because of how she'd died.   Boy did I ever cringe at that one and told him that while I agree that priest and tact had apparently never met, not all of them were like that.

He's attended a couple funerals and weddings with me since then though and while like me he's not religious and has no desire to go regularly which is fine with me since I don't either, he's a lot more open minded about it after seeing that the priest he encountered at his grandmother's funeral was the exception, not the rule.

When I was 3 our Priest told my CCE class that my Papa was in hell (because he was Episcopal) and that all my Dad's family except Uncle Eddie's branch would go to hell also.


That was the only time I woke my parents up with screaming nightmares. Once Mom figured out what had happened (put pieces together from things I said and that  my friends parents told her about what they were saying), she came up with the perfect punishment.


Every night I woke them up - she called the rectory and woke him up. (She also filed a complaint with the Bishop's office and made it about him a) terrorizing a child b) not teaching the actual position of the church.


He knew my parents were a mixed marriage because he refused to marry them unless Dad converted (against doctrine).


They switched parishes, were married. He was transferred to their new parish. We moved, so went to a new parish. Old parish invited us to his going away party - that was held after he left and he wasn't invited. He was transferred to our new parish.


We moved to West Texas - were rid of him for years. Sis moved back. When she went in to talk to her parish about premarital counciling and the wedding, they suggested their new priest. She refused on the basis that 1/2 her family would walk out rather than listen to him. We also refused to allow him to conduct Mom's funeral mass.

[greencat]

The preacher at my grandmother's funeral did the whole sermon-instead-of-eulogy routine.  He went on an on and on...the kicker?  The preacher was my mom's COUSIN - my grandmother's nephew.