Author Topic: From the blog: wicked witch of the wedding- bride berated for not being rude  (Read 7008 times)

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Jolie_kitten

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Oh yeah.... >:D >:D >:D >:D
http://www.etiquettehell.com/?p=1080
My comments in red
Here it goes...

    I have never been close to my Stepmother, as my Father had married her when I was in my late teens, and I had never lived with her, but until my now-husband and I became engaged, I had no idea that she bore me so much resentment and jealousy. Nor was I aware that she was capable of this much venom and pettiness. Both my now-husband and I have doctoral level degrees; I have a Ph.D. and am a university professor, while my husband is a physician. My husband also comes from a relatively affluent family in comparison to my family which is comfortably middle class but by no means wealthy. As such when we became engaged, my husband was able to present me with a beautiful engagement ring. I assure you that I would have been thrilled to marry my husband with a plastic ring from a Cracker Jack box, but when we came to visit my Father and Stepmother and announce our engagement, my Stepmother took one look at my ring and said, “It looks too big to be real. It must be fake,” You know, some people would do anything possible just to rain on your parade. and proceeded to grumble about marrying for money for the rest of the night.Jaw. Meet floor At the time, I was too busy being excited about my engagement to give her poor manners much thought, although my soon-to-be husband reminded me that in the past, my Stepmother had conspicuously absented herself from my graduations, feigning an illness at my college and Master’s graduation, and refusing to attend my doctoral graduation (her son never completed college, which has been a source of a lot of pain for her). Wisely, my soon-to-be husband said, “Your Stepmother is going to be trouble”. Boy, was he right…

    During the wedding planning process, my Stepmother repeatedly asserted that her family should have a big role in the wedding. My Stepbrother, her son, was given a role, but since I am not very close to her daughter-in-law, her son’s wife, she was simply invited to the wedding as a guest. My Stepmother was very upset by that and asked me why I was including my husband’s sister and one of my dearest friends as a bridesmaid in the wedding but not her daughter-in-law. Oh, was she granted with some inalienable right to pick LW's bridesmaids as she pleases? She was also very upset that her grandchildren were not invited to the wedding (but since the wedding was a black-tie Saturday evening affair, my husband and I opted not to invite any children to the wedding and included our nieces, nephews and our friends’ children at the rehearsal dinner which was held at times when little ones would be much more likely to be awake, not bored and enjoy the festivities). Smart solution :)She also repeatedly assailed both me and my Mother with questions about what my Mother would be wearing, what my Mother-in-Law would be wearing, etc. I did not ask the women in the family to wear a particular color, trusting their tastes, but my Stepmother accused me of lying to her and not telling her what the color was so that she would be left out. Paranoid brat.At the end, she chose to wear a nice, although very low-cut evening gown, but because she wanted to show up my Mother-in-Law, who she was convinced was a “snotty rich woman”, she decided to top the gown off with a rented fur stole. Mind you the wedding was in the winter, but it was in the South (the temperature was around 60 degrees), and it was indoors. Fine, you want to wear a fur stole, go for it. Whatever.

    She was also offended that I chose to only take my Mother dress-shopping with me (I had wanted it to be an intimate bonding experience with my Mom and didn’t even ask my bridal party to come with me). When my dress was purchased, she repeatedly criticized me for wearing a strapless gown since we are Jewish and getting married in a religious ceremony. When I told her that my Rabbi had said that righteousness is not determined by dress sleeves but by the content of someone’s spirit and deeds, she told me that I shouldn’t wear strapless, anyway, since my arms are too fat and my breasts too large to look nice in a strapless gown. What was I saying about doing anything just to make someone feel bad? I bit my tongue and told her that I thought my dress was beautiful, as did my Mother and other family members who had seen it.

    At my wedding shower, she proceeded to criticize me for registering rather than asking people to give me money Criticizing her for not being tacky... just charming, what can I say?n and told me that I would “make more money at the wedding” if my husband and I did not in fact, register. I gently reminded her that a registry was not a mandatory list, simply some items that the couple would like to own, and no one was compelled to shop from it, or even to buy a couple a wedding gift.

    The day before the wedding, all the parents and the two of us, the engaged couple, got together for brunch. My Stepmother refused to come, even though she knew about it for months because she was going to watch her son’s children. Since his parents lived across the country from mine, I called her and asked her to please, make time to attend, which she did..for ten minutes. During which, she proceeded to critisize my Mother, me, the food and then, left to visit with her son and his family (it turns out that his children didn’t need babysitting; it was simply an excuse to bow out of the festivity). She had only met my husband’s parents once prior to the brunch.

    The day of the wedding, she was over an hour late Not nice. (she and my Father had planned to arrive separately, as she had to pick up her elderly Mother and bring her to the wedding), missed the formal photos (we took formal pictures prior to the ceremony) and almost missed the ceremony. Mind you, the wedding was taking place in her home town, and my Father had previously driven with her to the location of the wedding and reception to make sure that she knew exactly where she was going. She also had a GPS and a map. Her son and his wife proceeded to be even later and walked in about 30 minutes into the ceremony. She was clearly worried about them being late because she took her cell phone with her down the aisle, and it began ringing under the chuppah!!! Jaw. Meet floor. (In a Jewish wedding, all the parents stand under the chuppah with the bride and groom). Thankfully, the Rabbi gave her a glare until she turned the phone off. He had to? Her son’s entrance made a lot of noise, but the ceremony continued, we were married and off to the reception.

    At the reception, things had proceeded smoothly, or so I thought. At the end of the day, my husband and I were thrilled with what we thought was a lovely and elegant wedding, and our guests seemed to have a great time and praised the food, the music, etc. Instead of a guestbook, my husband and I had had an engagement photo blown up and framed with a mat that could be signed by our guests, and we had it displayed on an easel next to our ketubah, so the guests could sign it on the way in and out of the reception. My Stepbrother had signed it in huge letters writing, “Where’s the bathroom? My wife needs to pee”,  right underneath our wedding portrait. Jaw. Meet floor. Maybe he should have also draw her a moustache,complete with glasses. He also signed it (so that there was no doubt whose idiocy this was, I guess). I didn’t see this until after the reception, but both my husband and I were livid that next to the good wishes and congratulations written by our guests was this drivel. My Dad and my Mom were furious when they saw it, but when my Dad confronted both my Stepbrother and Stepmother about it, they both denied that it was him (he signed it, for crying out loud). So, the portrait is ruined. It has taken copious amounts of White-Out to cover it up, and now, it just looks like a mess.

    About a day or two after we returned from our honeymoon, my Stepmother called me and proceeded to tell me in detail about how awful my wedding was, with too many guests, too rich of food, too modern of floral arrangements (instead of roses, we opted for hydrangeas and calla lilies and orchids, which I guess, did not agree with her), too loud of music, and how everyone of her guests hated my wedding. Funny, the same people called my Mother and me to tell us how beautiful the wedding was, as did our other guests, and our wedding subsequently made it into a national wedding publication. Oh, but they're all wrong; isn't there an universally accepted truth that evil stepmother knows freakin' everything? :P

    My Stepmother also told me that my Mother’s cleavage was too low (hers was downright nun-like compared to my Stepmother’s whose lacy bra was visible through the dress), and finally, that my husband looked “tired and like he didn’t want to be there”. Meanwhile, my husband is beaming in every wedding photo. My Stepmother also accused me of bad manners for spending too much time walking around the reception and thanking my guests for coming (Isn’t that what a bride is supposed to do? Personally thank every guest for attending her wedding?) instead of “staying put”. Again, being criticized for not being rude... What a wonderful world. The entire time, she also told me how my Stepbrother’s wedding several years back was much better than mine, even though fake flowers, a windowless hall and poor behavior on the part of the bride (as I recall, she did not budge from her chair and insisted that everyone come to her rather than visiting them) were the main features at that wedding.

    While I had tolerated her insults to this point, at the end of this conversation, I was livid and in tears. I did talk to my Father after I calmed down (and calmed down my husband who was just as furious) and asked him to speak with her about leaving me alone, and I have had little contact with my Stepmother since the wedding. The latest news is that we are 15 weeks pregnant, and she has yet to congratulate us.   0402-10
Where there is cake there is hope. And there is always cake ;)

Mrs. Pilgrim

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Good thing Stepbrother's wedding was already over; Wicked Stepmother might have started stealing things to put in THEIR wedding.
"Use the proper word, not its second cousin." --Mark Twain, Fenimore Cooper's Literary Offenses

mechtilde

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This almost read like wicked withch bingo- you know, criticise ring, say bride looks fat, turn up late, phone rings... House!! We have a winner!
NE England

Mrs. Pilgrim

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This almost read like wicked withch bingo- you know, criticise ring, say bride looks fat, turn up late, phone rings... House!! We have a winner!

You know, that might actually work for a product...

Yeah, I know, you get first dibs because you came up with it.  ;)
"Use the proper word, not its second cousin." --Mark Twain, Fenimore Cooper's Literary Offenses

Clara Bow

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I really think that I would cut this woman out of my life, and I'd have a serious conversation with my father about it as well. I'd like to know why her father didn't rein that dragonwoman in and sat back allowing her to ruin as much of the OP's fun as possible. There was no excuse for that, and while I can see her father not knowing about some of the behavior, there's no way he missed all of it.

If my spouse treated my child the way this stepmother treats the OP, there would be a divorce.
I have finally found the bar I can't get thrown out of....

claddagh lass

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If it were me I'd cut all ties with that woman.

If someone I was in a relationship treated a person I cared for that badly I'd be running towards the hills.

ACBNYC

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She was late to the wedding and missed the formal photographs? What a shame.  ;D That's the bright spot in the whole mess, that the bride's formal portraits don't include such a hateful, jealous woman. I would have done the cut direct the day after the wedding.

And I would looooove to hear the bride's father's take on this.

Bibliophile

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She was late to the wedding and missed the formal photographs? What a shame.  ;D That's the bright spot in the whole mess, that the bride's formal portraits don't include such a hateful, jealous woman. I would have done the cut direct the day after the wedding.

POD!  I think the bride handled the whole thing very well.  Tons of patience.

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TylerBelle

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At the end, she chose to wear a nice, although very low-cut evening gown, but because she wanted to show up my Mother-in-Law, who she was convinced was a “snotty rich woman”, she decided to top the gown off with a rented fur stole. Mind you the wedding was in the winter, but it was in the South (the temperature was around 60 degrees), and it was indoors. Fine, you want to wear a fur stole, go for it. Whatever.
This is such a funny mindset: Anyone who has more wealth and affluence than me is sure to be a certified snob, looking down and never daring to speak to anyone who has less, so I must be snotty to them first to show that I'm *better.* ::)

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She was also offended that I chose to only take my Mother dress-shopping with me (I had wanted it to be an intimate bonding experience with my Mom and didn’t even ask my bridal party to come with me). When my dress was purchased, she repeatedly criticized me for wearing a strapless gown since we are Jewish and getting married in a religious ceremony.
Another favorite mindset: It doesn't matter I can treat you like dirt, be spiteful and nasty all I please, you are supposed to be warm and welcoming and include me at every turn.


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Instead of a guestbook, my husband and I had had an engagement photo blown up and framed with a mat that could be signed by our guests, and we had it displayed on an easel next to our ketubah, so the guests could sign it on the way in and out of the reception. My Stepbrother had signed it in huge letters writing, “Where’s the bathroom? My wife needs to pee”,  right underneath our wedding portrait. Jaw. Meet floor. Maybe he should have also draw her a moustache,complete with glasses. He also signed it (so that there was no doubt whose idiocy this was, I guess). I didn’t see this until after the reception, but both my husband and I were livid that next to the good wishes and congratulations written by our guests was this drivel. My Dad and my Mom were furious when they saw it, but when my Dad confronted both my Stepbrother and Stepmother about it, they both denied that it was him (he signed it, for crying out loud). So, the portrait is ruined. It has taken copious amounts of White-Out to cover it up, and now, it just looks like a mess.
I would have left it as is (at least gave some thought about doing so), for as aggravating and distasteful it would be to the HC and family, it reflects more negatively on the person who wrote it than anyone else. But if the HC wished to do away with the portrait since it was ruined, they could have another one taken and have as many guests as can resign when possible (may take years, but better than the regret of the ruined picture).


The rest of the story sounds like pure jealousy on the part of the Stepmother. Probably folks went up to her like they did the LW's mom to comment and compliment the festivities and she couldn't handle it, especially I'd wager with the wedding making a nat'l publication. Which is cool.

My question is why would the LW be concerned with the SM not offering congrats on her expecting? While the snub can be tacky, it'd be good news to me, for I'd plan on the woman having as little to do with my child as possible, even in conversation.



Edited to fix a bit of labeling. :-\
« Last Edit: April 07, 2010, 09:42:07 AM by TylerBelle »
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Julia S

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Quote
Quote
Instead of a guestbook, my husband and I had had an engagement photo blown up and framed with a mat that could be signed by our guests, and we had it displayed on an easel next to our ketubah, so the guests could sign it on the way in and out of the reception. My Stepbrother had signed it in huge letters writing, “Where’s the bathroom? My wife needs to pee”,  right underneath our wedding portrait. Jaw. Meet floor. Maybe he should have also draw her a moustache,complete with glasses. He also signed it (so that there was no doubt whose idiocy this was, I guess). I didn’t see this until after the reception, but both my husband and I were livid that next to the good wishes and congratulations written by our guests was this drivel. My Dad and my Mom were furious when they saw it, but when my Dad confronted both my Stepbrother and Stepmother about it, they both denied that it was him (he signed it, for crying out loud). So, the portrait is ruined. It has taken copious amounts of White-Out to cover it up, and now, it just looks like a mess.
I would have left it as is (at least gave some thought about doing so), for as aggravating and distasteful it would be to the HC and family, it reflects more negatively on the person who wrote it than anyone else. But if the HC wished to do away with the portrait since it was ruined, they could have another one taken and have as many guests as can resign when possible (may take years, but better than the regret of the ruined picture).

I'd probably take it to a photographer and see if they can photoshop the offending sentence out of the picture. Sure, it won't be the original, but I'd rather look at a copy than be reminded of my stepbrother's crass remark every time I look at it.

I really think that I would cut this woman out of my life, and I'd have a serious conversation with my father about it as well. I'd like to know why her father didn't rein that dragonwoman in and sat back allowing her to ruin as much of the OP's fun as possible. There was no excuse for that, and while I can see her father not knowing about some of the behavior, there's no way he missed all of it.

If my spouse treated my child the way this stepmother treats the OP, there would be a divorce.

And this. Definitely.

Jolie_kitten

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I too wonder why she'd still care about her SM to congratulate her.
Where there is cake there is hope. And there is always cake ;)

RingTailedLemur

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I too wonder why she'd still care about her SM to congratulate her.

She probably doesn't - it's probably more that someone so special to her father could be so hurtful (I have a step-monster-IL myself).

LeeLee88

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I have a teeeensy objection to the fake flowers thing, because I had fake flowers at my wedding, but they were gorgeous and awesomely arranged (thanks mom!).  I understand though that a lot of people find fake flowers to be tacky, but meh, to each his own.

The rest of the story?  HOLY COW!!  And that is exactly why I cut nasty grandma out of my life when she first started her crap, rather than wait for her to be an idiot during the ceremony and reception like I knew she was going to be because she'd done it to everybody else.  I feel for the bride for being so kind in trying to make this work; after all, that's her father's wife, and that put the bride in quite a bind.  I personally feel she should be happy that that nasty, awful woman isn't wishing her anything concerning the baby.  She'd probably just say something so over-the-top awful it would tear the bride up, anyway.  At the rate nasty stepmother's going, she won't be a part of that family for long anyway... at least, I'd hope not  :-\.

Sabbyfrog2

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I don't think the LW was insulting the fake flowers in general. I think she was just bothered by the fact that her step monster found a way to insult her flowers, and called them too "modern" but didn't notice her own irony when insisting her own sons flowers were better even though they were fake.

Giggity

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I really like the idea of the picture that people sign. Should I ever get hitched again, I might do that. (But then, should I ever get hitched again, I intend to be far more portrait-worthy than I was the first time.)
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