From E-Hell Blog: Dress it up! (0411-10)

[immadz]

Personally, I think the letter writer has a point.  Showers are traditionally an event for which one wears a nice outfit.  If I showed up at an event where the mother of the guest of honor was in ripped jeans, I'd probably be writing in to Miss Jean.

This brings up a good point. Is it etiquette-wise proper to host a casual get together for an occasion that is socially perceived as a dress-up event eg. weddings, showers etc. I am of the opinion that the host can determine the level of formality and dress code and it is up to the guests to follow it. However, I would like to hear what other e-hellions think.

[flowersintheattic]

This brings up a good point. Is it etiquette-wise proper to host a casual get together for an occasion that is socially perceived as a dress-up event eg. weddings, showers etc. I am of the opinion that the host can determine the level of formality and dress code and it is up to the guests to follow it. However, I would like to hear what other e-hellions think.

I think it is completely up to the host to decide, and if she wants to have a casual shower, more power to her. I do, however, think that it's generally better to be overdressed than underdressed, and I usually either err on the side of caution or ask the host (or someone else involved that I know well) what she'll be wearing to determine my outfit.

[Morty'sCleaningLady]

Personally, I think the letter writer has a point.  Showers are traditionally an event for which one wears a nice outfit.  If I showed up at an event where the mother of the guest of honor was in ripped jeans, I'd probably be writing in to Miss Jean.

This brings up a good point. Is it etiquette-wise proper to host a casual get together for an occasion that is socially perceived as a dress-up event eg. weddings, showers etc. I am of the opinion that the host can determine the level of formality and dress code and it is up to the guests to follow it. However, I would like to hear what other e-hellions think.

Of course a host can set a more casual tone!  They need to communicate that to the guests though.  This guest was obviously surprised by the less-than-dressy event.  If she had been told to wear her jeans or shorts, she wouldn't have been surprised by the jeans and tank tops.

I tend to err on the side of over dressed.  For showers, I typically wear a dress.  For a very casual shower, I would have been incredibly over-dressed without forewarning.

[immadz]

Personally, I think the letter writer has a point.  Showers are traditionally an event for which one wears a nice outfit.  If I showed up at an event where the mother of the guest of honor was in ripped jeans, I'd probably be writing in to Miss Jean.

This brings up a good point. Is it etiquette-wise proper to host a casual get together for an occasion that is socially perceived as a dress-up event eg. weddings, showers etc. I am of the opinion that the host can determine the level of formality and dress code and it is up to the guests to follow it. However, I would like to hear what other e-hellions think.

Of course a host can set a more casual tone!  They need to communicate that to the guests though.  This guest was obviously surprised by the less-than-dressy event.  If she had been told to wear her jeans or shorts, she wouldn't have been surprised by the jeans and tank tops.

I tend to err on the side of over dressed.  For showers, I typically wear a dress.  For a very casual shower, I would have been incredibly over-dressed without forewarning.

If most of the people were dressed "sloppily" as the poster says, then I would think that the dress code had been communicated to the guests, just not interpreted accurately.  If the poster was erring to the side of overdressed, she should have felt comfortable, not felt the need to comment on the majority of attendees whom she deemed to be under-dressed. 

[Mrs. Pilgrim]

In the LW's defense, she may have been the target of the same attitude in reverse in the past.  There's a whole culture out there that prides itself on having poor manners and/or refusing to dress "up", and it seems to get louder every day; and this pride not only demands acceptance of its own low standards, but often attacks those with higher standards.  (For example, in law school, I caught Dante from my classmates for not wearing jeans, or for fixing my makeup after lunch, or even just for having a hairbrush in my bookbag!  Reactions ranged from diagnoses of poor self-esteem to being labeled a "freak".  Yes, I got called a "freak" by adults seeking a license in a profession known for its expectation of good grooming...)

The temptation is strong, if you're a fighter by nature, not only to dig into one's position, but also to become aggressive about it and even judgmental.  The LW may have encountered a lot of scorn for her dressy ways, and has her current attitude as an excessive reaction.  Not that this makes it right, but more understandable, perhaps?

(Note:  I don't know her, so I'm only speculating.)