Author Topic: The birthday cake of doom (well, strained feelings.) long  (Read 8574 times)

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GLaDOS

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The birthday cake of doom (well, strained feelings.) long
« on: April 12, 2010, 12:48:35 PM »
Hi eHellions!

So, I've been kind of peeved about this since it happened, but I'm not sure if I should be, or if I handled it well.

bg: 1) I've been friends with the girl in question here, "Suzie", for about 4, going on 5 years now. We've been through a lot, but we're still fairly close. She's been known to have etiquette faux pas, but nothing serious, really.
 2) My hometown is about an hour and a half away from where I attend college.
3) My dorm has a tradition of having a dinner for resident's birthdays; the birthday person picks the restaurant and everyone gets gussied up, and pays for their own meals, should they choose to go. It's also open to friends from outside the dorm. I invited a mix from in the dorm and out, everyone had someone they knew. /bg.

My friends and I went out for my birthday to a restaurant.  It was a significant birthday to me, and I wanted to give my guests something they didn't have to pay for .Red velvet cake is my favorite and I ordered one from a bakery. All was fine and dandy until unexpected expenses came up: thus, I didn't have enough money in my checking and the bakery didn't take the sole credit card I owned. So, since Suzie and I have a "you have my back, I'll have yours" situation, I asked if she could pay for the cake, and I would pay for both her and her fiance's dinners, whatever they wanted, which would even out. She agreed enthusiastically.  I asked her to keep mum about the arrangement, because I was raised never to talk about money when it's not necessary.

Everything went fine; we had a good time getting dressed up and making the journey with everyone to the restaurant. When we sat down, I was at the head of the table, and Suzie's Fiance (SF) was between Suzie and I. On the other side were a good friend that Suzie and SF had met before, but not "met" if that makes sense, and a new friend to whom they'd only been introduced that night.

When we sit down to order Suzie asks in a rather loud voice "so we can get anything, right? And you'll pay for it?" We had already gone over this before, so I was a bit confused and just nodded yes with a "why are you speaking about this in front of people who don't need to know" face. My friend O, their new acquaintance (he's rather vocal as well) "Wait, you're making the birthday girl pay for her own meal and yours?" I was about to bean-dip and S jumps to her defense "Well, we paid for her cake which was over $70 (it was for thirty people   :-X) , so we earned it". If I could have blushed, I would have been a beet. O looked at me, and I changed the subject to pontificating on my drink and the merits of ginger ale with lemon and lime. It was dropped. Food is ordered and exclaimed over, and all seems past.


Dinner is over, and the cake comes out. Suzie makes the comment that it will be a "test run" for her and fiance's wedding cake. This rubbed me the wrong way because well, it wasn't. I kept quiet and started serving cake. (it passed, for what it's worth.) There was quite a bit of left overs, and we all traipsed home,happy and full. Suzie and Fiance started to head home, as they had driven up for the party and to spend the day.  I thanked them for their generosity, and offered cake, which got forgotten in the chitchat with other friends.


I don't hear from them until Monday. It's a text from suzie, asking how much cake is left. I tell her, curious. She then asks me to mail some to her and fiance. I said that won't be possible, I wasn't sure how they could get some, but they're welcome to some if they can get it.  Silence. Tuesday I get a text saying they'll be coming up Wednesday, could I go to dinner with them? This being an hour- plus drive, I was confused, but, ok. It turned into a catch-up session and dinner at a mexican place with massive burritos. They had also invited O along, who attends my Uni. The more the merrier, right? We had fun, bonded, what have you.


While we're in the car, Suzie starts telling a story with considerable embellishment. Not only did she insert herself into a story she never was in, she made my dad look like a blithering, cussing idiot. (it was a story about me learning to drive, and while he did utter uncouth things, it was one word, and not without reason). I didn't want to call her out directly, so I just corrected the most egregious parts and let it go. We eat; we get back to my dorm after dropping O off. I bring the cake to the car, expecting them to carve some slices (at most, half of what was left) and leave the rest. There were plenty of friends here who were eyeing it as well, and they never mentioned taking the entirety of the rest of the cake. Suzie grabs the box, peers inside. "It was so worth it." She stashes the box in the back seat, hugs-and-they're-off.
I'm left speechless and rather miffed.

I chalk it up to a misunderstanding and go back inside. I end up on facebook, and I see her postings to O.
This is what it said:
S- "hey, we're heading up Wednedsay to get cake. Wanna get dinner with us and Ascension?"
O- "sure, but are you driving all that way for some cake?"
S- "It's good cake. Besides, we did the math, we'd lose money if we didn't take the cake from Ascension, even with gas"
O- Oh, ok, see you Wednesday.

Maybe it was me, but I thought that it was, you know, my cake. They were reimbursed with a meal of equal value, as per our agreement, and well, it rubbed me the wrong way that I couldn't -give- them cake. they were -taking- it.

Also, never heard a word from them, either thanking me or even just chitchat until now, about a month later.


So, after all that drudgery: Was I wrong to feel slighted? What could I have done? I'm pretty over it now, but I'd like to know how to handle a situation like this in the future.

Thanks for reading!


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Animala

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Re: The birthday cake of doom (well, strained feelings.) long
« Reply #1 on: April 12, 2010, 01:36:06 PM »
I'm a little confused on one point, where you said you brought the cake to the car, did you have something for them to put the cake in?  To cut and eat it with?  If it were me I would have cut off the portion I wanted them to have and then give it to them in a container.  Did the dinner and the cake equal out dollar wise?  It sounds as though since they purchased it, even though they were compinsated that they felt some sort of ownership still. 

something.new.every.day

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Re: The birthday cake of doom (well, strained feelings.) long
« Reply #2 on: April 12, 2010, 03:58:42 PM »
They sound cheap and petty, but on the other hand, Suze did help you out when you needed someone to pay for the cake. 

I'm curious about how much the cake cost versus how much Suze and her FI's dinners cost. 



JoieGirl7

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Re: The birthday cake of doom (well, strained feelings.) long
« Reply #3 on: April 12, 2010, 04:33:00 PM »
In a roundabout way, it seems that your friend is a loan shark.
 
Who makes a special trip paying for gas to get a half eaten cake?
 
Bizarre!

DangerMouth

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Re: The birthday cake of doom (well, strained feelings.) long
« Reply #4 on: April 12, 2010, 04:54:54 PM »
I don't think you were at all wrong to feel slighted. I'd be pretty annoyed if someone walked off with my ca- oh wait, someone did walk off with my cake. Except in my case, it wasn't actually 'mine' in the same way as *your birthday cake that you actually paid for* was yours. Yeah, I'd be miffed. I think you handled it as gracefully as you could. As other's here said to me:

You don't mess with someone's cake :D

Sorry you lost your cake, and Happy Birthday!

JacklynHyde

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Re: The birthday cake of doom (well, strained feelings.) long
« Reply #5 on: April 12, 2010, 04:57:41 PM »
This would only have worked if you had insisted upon boxing up their leftovers from dinner and taking them home with you.   >:D

missmolly

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Re: The birthday cake of doom (well, strained feelings.) long
« Reply #6 on: April 12, 2010, 07:56:28 PM »
This is a very bizarre situation, but I think friend was ultimately rude. You did make up for the cake by paying for her dinner, and she then takes the rest of the cake. I agree with Audrey, she seemed to be treating the excess cake as 'interest' for her loan. From now on I would turn to someone else when in need of a favour.
"Any idiot can face a crisis, it is this day-to-day living that wears you out". Chekhov.

GLaDOS

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Re: The birthday cake of doom (well, strained feelings.) long
« Reply #7 on: April 12, 2010, 08:33:04 PM »
Thank you guys.
In some ways, I feel kind of stupid for letting this get to me; after all, it's just cake, but just the thought behind it rubbed me the wrong way.

something.new.every.day, the cake and the meals were roughly the same; including drinks and tip, it was a bit over the price of the cake.

Animala, I didn't actually bring down plates and things, as I don't have any give-away containers, really. I did bring a knife down as well, and I thought they had some sort of container in their trunk. An assumption on my part.

Is there any way I can stop her from embellishing stories when she's in the act? I've tried talking to her about it, but I don't think she realises she does it. I've noticed it usually happens when she meets new people. I think it's an attempt for them to be impressed, but it's hurtful to find she thinks so low of my father that she turns him into a caricature. O has never met my father and this is the only story he heard about him. Is there anyway I can set the record straight without flat-out calling her a liar? Not about this particular story, just if it comes up again?

I enjoy her company when she's not stepping on my toes, per se, and she's a lovely girl, it's just I'm worried these things will add up and end the friendship somewhere down the road.  But I definitely think I'm keeping money out of the equation from here on out.

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TootsNYC

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Re: The birthday cake of doom (well, strained feelings.) long
« Reply #8 on: April 12, 2010, 08:41:50 PM »

Is there any way I can stop her from embellishing stories when she's in the act? I've tried talking to her about it, but I don't think she realises she does it. I've noticed it usually happens when she meets new people. I think it's an attempt for them to be impressed, but it's hurtful to find she thinks so low of my father that she turns him into a caricature. O has never met my father and this is the only story he heard about him. Is there anyway I can set the record straight without flat-out calling her a liar? Not about this particular story, just if it comes up again?

I enjoy her company when she's not stepping on my toes, per se, and she's a lovely girl, it's just I'm worried these things will add up and end the friendship somewhere down the road.  But I definitely think I'm keeping money out of the equation from here on out.



"Would you stop making stuff up? My word! You weren't even there. And I don't know what my father has ever done that would make you think you should embellish the story so he looks like a total jerk!"

Feel free, actually. Or, be more mild: "You weren't there--I'm not sure how you know this, or why you're telling this story, but that's not how it happened, and you weren't there."

And on Facebook, add a comment:

"Hey, I bought your dinner--and that was MORE money than the cake was. So I don't figure why you think you were entitled to ALL the rest of the cake, or why you think you were "losing money" by loaning me the cash, which I immediately repair by buying dinner AND drinks for you two. But it's nice to know where I stand. By the way, the cake was getting a little stale. Hope you enjoyed it."

And then cross her off. She's not a lovely girl. She just proved it.

Maybe she's enjoyable company, but she so completely does NOT "have your back." Ditch her, and then there will be room for you to go run errands with someone who actually WILL be a help to you in time of need. And you'll have time and energy to be their backup as well, once you're not spending time on this person.

VorFemme

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Re: The birthday cake of doom (well, strained feelings.) long
« Reply #9 on: April 13, 2010, 08:48:50 AM »
At best, she wants to be the center of attention..........and you can honestly say that her lack of good manners "takes the cake"!

At worst - it doesn't sound like YOUR friendship is given the same weight with her as her friendship is to you - since she is willing to "take the cake" right out of your hands and drive off with it.

Red velvet cake is good............(chocolate with lots of red food coloring, for those who don't quite know what the fuss is all about - I think it may have an especially rich icing, depending on who makes it).

I think the comment about HER taking cake that you had reimbursed her for on her Facebook page is about right - try to come across more puzzled than accusatory in your phrasing. 

"What are you talking about loosing money on the cake - I paid $cake price plus tax & tip for YOUR meals, as we agreed.  Why would you drive off with the rest of the cake when I had paid you back?"

Some people just don't "see" that they have been paid back unless they get to fold the money and stash it in their purse or wallet - it's like it doesn't register with them until they touch it.
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I say more?

Sophia

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Re: The birthday cake of doom (well, strained feelings.) long
« Reply #10 on: April 13, 2010, 09:13:12 AM »
...Is there any way I can stop her from embellishing stories when she's in the act? ...

Correct each and every error immediately.  If it makes her uncomfortable, oh well.  Then she'll stop. 

Isisnin

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Re: The birthday cake of doom (well, strained feelings.) long
« Reply #11 on: April 13, 2010, 10:08:44 AM »
Agree with VorFemme, she wants to be the center of attention even by putting others down.  That's not ok.

Since the Facebook page is so public and you'd like the world to know that you do pay your debts in full, you can respond humorously.   "Hi Suzie!  Sounds like we used different brand calculators!  I calculated that the cake and tax came out to $75, while your dinners, drinks, tax, and tip came out to $85.  Oh well.  A great time was had by all anyways!"

For the stories, something like "Suzie!  you're such a great story teller!  Next you'll be saying my Dad was wearing a Batman suit during all this!".


VorFemme

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Re: The birthday cake of doom (well, strained feelings.) long
« Reply #12 on: April 13, 2010, 05:29:19 PM »
Or that SHE must have been wearing a ninja suit because you don't remember her being at the original event!
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I say more?

GLaDOS

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Re: The birthday cake of doom (well, strained feelings.) long
« Reply #13 on: April 13, 2010, 05:57:39 PM »
Haha, that's a good idea of doing it humorously (I'm perversely averse to conflict)

Thank you guys so much for your help and suggestions.  ;D


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sbtier

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Re: The birthday cake of doom (well, strained feelings.) long
« Reply #14 on: June 23, 2010, 09:54:39 AM »
How does one MAIL leftover cake.   ???