'I don't want to see you' Update Post 86

[Oscar1]

DH's brother and his wife have fertility problems. They had one child after numerous attempts and are now trying for their second, with no luck so far and it's looking less likely by the day. DH and I have one child (no problems) and are soon to be trying for the second. DH was asked to give them a heads-up when we were starting to try again, presumably so they can prepare themselves. On giving this heads-up, DH was told by his brother that they hoped I wasn't offended but SIL will not want to see me whilst I'm pregnant this time. For background, we get together quite often as couples (with the kids) and there are likely to be bigger family occasions also where we will see each other.

I'm at a bit of a loss really. Do I agree to let DH and DS get together with them without me? Do I go to the family stuff as normal and leave it to them to absent themselves or try to be helpful and take it in turns?

I guess it boils down to whether this is reasonable behavior on their part - half of me thinks they can't avoid pregnant people, it's part of life and it's not my fault, the other half thinks I have no idea what it's like for them and if I can cause them less pain by going along with this, then I should try.

Really need some outside perspective!

[MDefarge]

I think it's completely *un*reasonable and really unfair. However the request (and lack of consideration about your feelings when hearing about it) would make me reconsider how much time I wished to spend with SIL, so she probably wouldn't be seeing as much of me anyway.

[kschmid5]

I would respond that yous are disappointed, but understand that they won't be inviting you out while you're pregnant... but that you are not going to turn down general family invites in deference to them.  As for your DH... what does he feel?

it's an unreasonable response IMHO, but it's their response

[Deb1000Faces]

If SIL is making this choice and is withdrawing from all social contact as well as larger family get togethers to avoid you, then I would say it is her choice, her loss, and regardless of how excessive I might consider it, it is her prerogative.

If, however, SIL is expecting you to go into hiding during your pregnancy, she is very much out of line regardless of how justified she might feel herself.  I think your DH needs to make it clear that you don't intend to modify your behavior, so she will need to keep herself away, she can't expect anyone to do it for her.

Or, what kschmid5 said.

[Shoo]

They can ask for whatever they want, it's their choice.  But you can bet I would not be happy if my husband even entertained the thought of socializing with them while I was effectively banned.  

[mj]

I don't find it to be reasonable at all.  Is she really requesting you not to be present at the bigger family functions as well?  I can see your DH, DS maybe getting together every once in a while with them but certainly not be design and not because you're pregnant.  I don't think it should be a "plan" to exclude you based on your pregnancy.

While I do sympathize with your SIL and I do understand the emotional toll infertility can take on a couple.  And I can even understand SIL limiting herself in your presence while you're pregnant.  But I cannot understand making it your problem.  And requesting you to remove yourself.

Really, this is an issue that the owner needs to take responsibility for.  

[Oxymoroness]

You and DH need to be unseparatable in regards to them. If you're not welcome, DH and you child are not either.

While I'm sympathetic to fertility issues, there does come a point where it's not cool. If they were to quietly decline invitations when you're pregnant to spare themselves pain, that's one thing. But to announce that you'll be an outcast (more or less) to them once you are pregnant is rude. Besides, eventually you'll give birth, will you still be unwelcome because you'll have two children while they still only have one?

[Esther_bunny]

Sure she can do that. But you can also ignore it when it comes to family events. You can also not want to hang out with them at all.
I think it's rude to ask that of you at all and it would make me reconsider wanting to hang out with her at all.

[Calypso]

SIL has a serious psychological problem, and for her to ask others to modify their behavior to accommodate it would be like me asking mentally healthy people to stay away from me because I have depression.

Actually, before I got treated, I *did* want to not be around anybody else...so I isolated myself. I sure as heck didn't put out a notice that the people who knew me shouldn't flaunt their normalness around me...

SIL is anticipating envy and sadness before the occasion for it has happened...and she isn't aware that this will in part create those feelings. I hope your DH can tell his brother that 1) SIL, for her own sake and  her family's sake, must get some counseling forthwith and 2), you will not avoid SIL, period.

[drafter_lady]

Their reasoning doesn't make sense to me. They don't want to see you while you are pregnant because it will be too emotionally hard on them. Well, what happens when you have the baby? Wouldn't seeing you with a happy bundle of joy be more painful? What if they can't get pregnant again? Are they going to avoid you forever because you were able to conceive and they couldn't? At what point will they end the pettiness and just allow themselves to be happy for you?

You do not owe them anything except for sympathy. Asking you to avoid family functions is out of line. If they can't bring themselves to be around the people who love and support them because it's too difficult then it is up to them to stay home.

[ipsedixit]

I think the OP only said that "SIL doesn't want to see her"....not that she's banned from family functions.  Maybe SIL isn't going to be the one showing up?

[TootsNYC]

I would respond that yous are disappointed, but understand that they won't be inviting you out while you're pregnant... but that you are not going to turn down general family invites in deference to them.  As for your DH... what does he feel?

it's an unreasonable response IMHO, but it's their response

I'll agree here.

[Starchasm]

If SIL is making this choice and is withdrawing from all social contact as well as larger family get togethers to avoid you, then I would say it is her choice, her loss, and regardless of how excessive I might consider it, it is her prerogative.

If, however, SIL is expecting you to go into hiding during your pregnancy, she is very much out of line regardless of how justified she might feel herself.  I think your DH needs to make it clear that you don't intend to modify your behavior, so she will need to keep herself away, she can't expect anyone to do it for her.

This!  She can control her own behavior, but asking you to control yours is unreasonable.

[Deb1000Faces]

Oscar1, I wonder if giving you a "heads-up" on how she plans to exclude you is supposed to make you think twice about trying for another pregnancy?  Or, at least, make her feel as if she is being reasonable: "I told them I wouldn't see her if she got pregnant, and she did it anyway."  I hate to make suppositions, but this seems very excessive.

[Ambrosia Hino]

I can somewhat understand their position. DH and I spent almost a year and a half TTC, and during that time, at least 7 people that I knew (4 "accidently"...one girl twice) either got pregnant, or got someone pregnant. Getting told "guess what, I'm pregnant" was like a knife in the back, every time it happened.

But it is up to her to control her own behaviour, not to dictate your's.

One of the idiot boys (had the "oops" problem) even had the nerve to tell me that if we were having trouble, after only 3 months of trying, then it must be because "God doesn't think we should have kids." Granted, this was before his girlfriend (now baby's momma, EX-girlfriend) turned up pregnant...but only about a week before. This is one of DH's friends, and DH did rip into him about it (once I was no longer in earshot) but still...guy apologized to DH, but thinks that that counts as having apologized to me (umm, hello, seperate people, seperate apologies!)

I still went to their baby showers (that I was invited to), and I never actively avoided them, but everytime I saw someone's big pregnant belly, it made me want to cry (and lots of times, I did, just not in front of them).

The good news was, after the shower that landed during my "time" I found out that I was finally pregnant...that momma teases me about it being because I was around her all that day before playing scrabble. She was also the easiest for me to be around, because she'd been trying for 3 years, and gotten divorced due to infertility, before her "oops" afterwards. So she was the most understanding...