'I don't want to see you' Update Post 86

[wyliefool]

I feel sorry for the kids of this SIL and that woman w/ the adopted sons. What are they, chopped liver? All this carrying on about pregnancy and breastfeeding when they have kid(s) and should be concentrating on loving them not grieving theoretical children that might have been.

[Anthera]

I feel sorry for the kids of this SIL and that woman w/ the adopted sons. What are they, chopped liver? All this carrying on about pregnancy and breastfeeding when they have kid(s) and should be concentrating on loving them not grieving theoretical children that might have been.

Not to mention it was 20 years later, and the adopted kids were in college.

[stargazer]

I feel sorry for the kids of this SIL and that woman w/ the adopted sons. What are they, chopped liver? All this carrying on about pregnancy and breastfeeding when they have kid(s) and should be concentrating on loving them not grieving theoretical children that might have been.

I agree with this too. 

I hope she has a therapist or someone to talk to about this.  It's going to be awful come Thanksgiving or Christmas when the whole family usually sees each more than usual - the OP would I think be around 6-7 months at this point.  Is SIL going to avoid all holiday events?  It's very sad.

[Rosey]

Except the woman at the luncheon did not initiate any talk about pregnancies.  BIL & SIL requested knowing about when they were trying and then asked point blank.

The fact that they were so concerned in advance makes me think this is SS.  Prior to the OP's pregnancy they both had one child and the SIL was trying for a second.  So at some point she was thinking if the OP gets pregnant I'm going to be really upset and not want to see her.   Long before they were even thinking about trying.  Why focus on this?  It reeks of competition to me.

And why the focus on the OP?  She isn't her sister.  She is the wife of her husband's brother.  Why the focus on her pregnancy?  I'm going to take a wild guess that the OPs son is the first grandchild and the SIL is jealous of this too.  Or some other competition is involved.

ETA I also noticed that the OP and her husband have been kept informed about all the unsucessful attempts to conceive and all the disappointments they have had.  Is this normal?  My friends who had infertility issues never wanted to talk about it and would never have shared a blow by blow.

I don't see it as competition at all.

Instead, this seems like SIL was being practical. With the woman in the luncheon at least one poster asked why she didn't say something ahead of time, at least to her friend, about how she was sensitive about the subject at the time. This could be SIL's way of making sure she never had to up and leave or give OP the cut-direct.

She could be focusing on the OP because, as OP said, they spend a lot of time together with their families. It would make a marked change to their lifestyles to stop spending time together, so it makes sense to put some focus here. Additionally, I can't help but think Bro and SIL probably knew that OP was planning on having at least one more child at some point. Families tend to have kids in relatively close patterns, so it doesn't seem like left field to say, "Hey, I think you might be planning on having another kid soon, and that's going to be hard for us. Can we get a head's up?" It would be rude if they were not close and/or they never talked about having more kids, but neither of these sounds like the case here.

I think our difference here is that I look at the SIL and OP as at least casual friends in addition to family, so I don't think any of this sounds strange. Infertility can be a HUGE part of a person's life, so why wouldn't she talk about it to her friend? Especially a friend who can appreciate the desire to have more children? Likewise, because I see a rel@tionship like this, I don't see this as competition at all. If they were not harmonious SILs, then I would see it the way you see it.

(If, for example, this were me and my SIL who I don't get along with, then I would see it your way.   )

[jimithing]

I think our difference here is that I look at the SIL and OP as at least casual friends in addition to family, so I don't think any of this sounds strange. Infertility can be a HUGE part of a person's life, so why wouldn't she talk about it to her friend? Especially a friend who can appreciate the desire to have more children? Likewise, because I see a rel@tionship like this, I don't see this as competition at all. If they were not harmonious SILs, then I would see it the way you see it.

Except, it seems that the SIL hasn't talked to her at all. That would be great if this is how the SIL has handled it, but it was the brother that talked to the OP's husband, and all communication has gone through them.

[mj]

Except the woman at the luncheon did not initiate any talk about pregnancies.  BIL & SIL requested knowing about when they were trying and then asked point blank.

The fact that they were so concerned in advance makes me think this is SS.  Prior to the OP's pregnancy they both had one child and the SIL was trying for a second.  So at some point she was thinking if the OP gets pregnant I'm going to be really upset and not want to see her.   Long before they were even thinking about trying.  Why focus on this?  It reeks of competition to me.

And why the focus on the OP?  She isn't her sister.  She is the wife of her husband's brother.  Why the focus on her pregnancy?  I'm going to take a wild guess that the OPs son is the first grandchild and the SIL is jealous of this too.  Or some other competition is involved.

ETA I also noticed that the OP and her husband have been kept informed about all the unsucessful attempts to conceive and all the disappointments they have had.  Is this normal?  My friends who had infertility issues never wanted to talk about it and would never have shared a blow by blow.

I don't see it as competition at all.

Instead, this seems like SIL was being practical. With the woman in the luncheon at least one poster asked why she didn't say something ahead of time, at least to her friend, about how she was sensitive about the subject at the time. This could be SIL's way of making sure she never had to up and leave or give OP the cut-direct.

She could be focusing on the OP because, as OP said, they spend a lot of time together with their families. It would make a marked change to their lifestyles to stop spending time together, so it makes sense to put some focus here. Additionally, I can't help but think Bro and SIL probably knew that OP was planning on having at least one more child at some point. Families tend to have kids in relatively close patterns, so it doesn't seem like left field to say, "Hey, I think you might be planning on having another kid soon, and that's going to be hard for us. Can we get a head's up?" It would be rude if they were not close and/or they never talked about having more kids, but neither of these sounds like the case here.

I think our difference here is that I look at the SIL and OP as at least casual friends in addition to family, so I don't think any of this sounds strange. Infertility can be a HUGE part of a person's life, so why wouldn't she talk about it to her friend? Especially a friend who can appreciate the desire to have more children? Likewise, because I see a rel@tionship like this, I don't see this as competition at all. If they were not harmonious SILs, then I would see it the way you see it.

(If, for example, this were me and my SIL who I don't get along with, then I would see it your way.   )

If this was a case of the SIL just needing a little time to process it, I could understand your position.  It's not reading that way though.

I don't see it as practical at all.  SIL is hampering rel@tionships and causing hurt feelings for others in a joyous situation.  How many other women and rel@tionships will she cut out of her life when pregnancy happens?  How many rel@tionships will she interfere with of her husband and child?  Why doesn't her child and husband get to be a part of the family and celebrate a new life?   I'm sorry but there is a point when an issue needs to get dealt with and that it is no longer acceptable to subject others too. 

Maybe this is unpopular.  I think infertility can often get a pass for some pretty poor behavior.  Everyone has painful situations to overcome, when it becomes obvious that overcoming is not happening the solution isn't to make it easier to stay in the situation.  It's to get help.

[Anthera]

Except the woman at the luncheon did not initiate any talk about pregnancies.  BIL & SIL requested knowing about when they were trying and then asked point blank.

The fact that they were so concerned in advance makes me think this is SS.  Prior to the OP's pregnancy they both had one child and the SIL was trying for a second.  So at some point she was thinking if the OP gets pregnant I'm going to be really upset and not want to see her.   Long before they were even thinking about trying.  Why focus on this?  It reeks of competition to me.

And why the focus on the OP?  She isn't her sister.  She is the wife of her husband's brother.  Why the focus on her pregnancy?  I'm going to take a wild guess that the OPs son is the first grandchild and the SIL is jealous of this too.  Or some other competition is involved.

ETA I also noticed that the OP and her husband have been kept informed about all the unsucessful attempts to conceive and all the disappointments they have had.  Is this normal?  My friends who had infertility issues never wanted to talk about it and would never have shared a blow by blow.

I don't see it as competition at all.

Instead, this seems like SIL was being practical. With the woman in the luncheon at least one poster asked why she didn't say something ahead of time, at least to her friend, about how she was sensitive about the subject at the time. This could be SIL's way of making sure she never had to up and leave or give OP the cut-direct.

She could be focusing on the OP because, as OP said, they spend a lot of time together with their families. It would make a marked change to their lifestyles to stop spending time together, so it makes sense to put some focus here. Additionally, I can't help but think Bro and SIL probably knew that OP was planning on having at least one more child at some point. Families tend to have kids in relatively close patterns, so it doesn't seem like left field to say, "Hey, I think you might be planning on having another kid soon, and that's going to be hard for us. Can we get a head's up?" It would be rude if they were not close and/or they never talked about having more kids, but neither of these sounds like the case here.

I think our difference here is that I look at the SIL and OP as at least casual friends in addition to family, so I don't think any of this sounds strange. Infertility can be a HUGE part of a person's life, so why wouldn't she talk about it to her friend? Especially a friend who can appreciate the desire to have more children? Likewise, because I see a rel@tionship like this, I don't see this as competition at all. If they were not harmonious SILs, then I would see it the way you see it.

(If, for example, this were me and my SIL who I don't get along with, then I would see it your way.   )

I see what you are saying, and think in many circumstances you would be right.  In this case, the asking flat out if the OP was pregnant and then refusing to leave the camera on her doorstep reeks to me of looking for offense and then punishing.

[ydpubs]

Except the woman at the luncheon did not initiate any talk about pregnancies.  BIL & SIL requested knowing about when they were trying and then asked point blank.

The fact that they were so concerned in advance makes me think this is SS.  Prior to the OP's pregnancy they both had one child and the SIL was trying for a second.  So at some point she was thinking if the OP gets pregnant I'm going to be really upset and not want to see her.   Long before they were even thinking about trying.  Why focus on this?  It reeks of competition to me.

And why the focus on the OP?  She isn't her sister.  She is the wife of her husband's brother.  Why the focus on her pregnancy?  I'm going to take a wild guess that the OPs son is the first grandchild and the SIL is jealous of this too.  Or some other competition is involved.

ETA I also noticed that the OP and her husband have been kept informed about all the unsucessful attempts to conceive and all the disappointments they have had.  Is this normal?  My friends who had infertility issues never wanted to talk about it and would never have shared a blow by blow.

I don't see it as competition at all.

Instead, this seems like SIL was being practical. With the woman in the luncheon at least one poster asked why she didn't say something ahead of time, at least to her friend, about how she was sensitive about the subject at the time. This could be SIL's way of making sure she never had to up and leave or give OP the cut-direct.

She could be focusing on the OP because, as OP said, they spend a lot of time together with their families. It would make a marked change to their lifestyles to stop spending time together, so it makes sense to put some focus here. Additionally, I can't help but think Bro and SIL probably knew that OP was planning on having at least one more child at some point. Families tend to have kids in relatively close patterns, so it doesn't seem like left field to say, "Hey, I think you might be planning on having another kid soon, and that's going to be hard for us. Can we get a head's up?" It would be rude if they were not close and/or they never talked about having more kids, but neither of these sounds like the case here.

I think our difference here is that I look at the SIL and OP as at least casual friends in addition to family, so I don't think any of this sounds strange. Infertility can be a HUGE part of a person's life, so why wouldn't she talk about it to her friend? Especially a friend who can appreciate the desire to have more children? Likewise, because I see a rel@tionship like this, I don't see this as competition at all. If they were not harmonious SILs, then I would see it the way you see it.

(If, for example, this were me and my SIL who I don't get along with, then I would see it your way.   )

I see what you are saying, and think in many circumstances you would be right.  In this case, the asking flat out if the OP was pregnant and then refusing to leave the camera on her doorstep reeks to me of looking for offense and then punishing.

I agree with you Anthera. I thought the exact same thing when I read it about the SIL.

[Rosey]

I think our difference here is that I look at the SIL and OP as at least casual friends in addition to family, so I don't think any of this sounds strange. Infertility can be a HUGE part of a person's life, so why wouldn't she talk about it to her friend? Especially a friend who can appreciate the desire to have more children? Likewise, because I see a rel@tionship like this, I don't see this as competition at all. If they were not harmonious SILs, then I would see it the way you see it.

Except, it seems that the SIL hasn't talked to her at all. That would be great if this is how the SIL has handled it, but it was the brother that talked to the OP's husband, and all communication has gone through them.

This was in response to Anthera saying that SIL had told OP all about her fertility issues, and she found that odd. It seems like SIL didn't stop talking about it until she found out OP was trying to get pregnant, but I could be wrong.

[Anthera]

I think our difference here is that I look at the SIL and OP as at least casual friends in addition to family, so I don't think any of this sounds strange. Infertility can be a HUGE part of a person's life, so why wouldn't she talk about it to her friend? Especially a friend who can appreciate the desire to have more children? Likewise, because I see a rel@tionship like this, I don't see this as competition at all. If they were not harmonious SILs, then I would see it the way you see it.

Except, it seems that the SIL hasn't talked to her at all. That would be great if this is how the SIL has handled it, but it was the brother that talked to the OP's husband, and all communication has gone through them.

This was in response to Anthera saying that SIL had told OP all about her fertility issues, and she found that odd. It seems like SIL didn't stop talking about it until she found out OP was trying to get pregnant, but I could be wrong.

Its actually unclear who has been talking.  We know that SIL is trying to get pregnant and that they were recently disappointed, but whether that info is coming from the BIL or SIL is uncertain.  Maybe the OP can clear it up.

[IrishGenes]

OP - is there any possible way your SIL is on Lupron right now?  Lupron has been known to make people kind of crazy...

Excellent point, Dragonflies. 

[Oscar1]

Thanks all for your posts and best wishes. I'll try and address some of the questions people have raised.

Firstly, the camera arrived in the post yesterday. I know some posters mentioned it's return as a concern but I was never worried on that score, they would never have deliberately kept it or anything.

A few people asked about my prior rel@tionship with SIL. We have always got on well as SILs but I wouldn't say we were good friends. I've never spent any time alone with her and although we have talked on the phone or texted each other in the past, it's always been about family arrangements, birthday presents and that sort of thing. She's not someone I would just call up for a chat. However, she is a little older than me and I have often asked her advice/opinion on family and work stuff as she's well-read and wise about a lot of things!

With regards to their IVF, most of the conversation about it is between DH and BIL. I have chatted with them about it when we're all there but I've not really had an in-depth, long conversation with her. Most of what I know about it comes from what BIL has told DH. Which brings me to the next 'problem' - they haven't really told anyone they are going through IVF. We know, and I think one other couple they are friends with, and that's it. So DH's mother and the rest of the family have no idea.

They are going for their sixth attempt this month.

And I'm afraid I have no idea what Lupron is, so I couldn't say!

One last thing: the plan, before all this, was for them to host Xmas this year as it's both our turns to be with DH's family. Clearly, that's not going to happen so how someone is going to explain to DH's mother that she's not getting her 'turn' with the grandchildren this year, I don't know. (But it's not going to be me!)

[Fiver]

One last thing: the plan, before all this, was for them to host Xmas this year as it's both our turns to be with DH's family. Clearly, that's not going to happen so how someone is going to explain to DH's mother that she's not getting her 'turn' with the grandchildren this year, I don't know. (But it's not going to be me!)

Oh, boy. Since your "negotiations" have been primarily between your DH and your BIL, I think your DH should ask him how he intends to handle Christmas, since ****DH and your son won't be attending any festivities without you.**** Would you be willing to host at your house, or do you think your MIL would have it at her house? I think he should make it clear that you won't be treated like a leper just because you're pregnant,

[Oscar1]

One last thing: the plan, before all this, was for them to host Xmas this year as it's both our turns to be with DH's family. Clearly, that's not going to happen so how someone is going to explain to DH's mother that she's not getting her 'turn' with the grandchildren this year, I don't know. (But it's not going to be me!)

Oh, boy. Since your "negotiations" have been primarily between your DH and your BIL, I think your DH should ask him how he intends to handle Christmas, since ****DH and your son won't be attending any festivities without you.**** Would you be willing to host at your house, or do you think your MIL would have it at her house? I think he should make it clear that you won't be treated like a leper just because you're pregnant,

Well, they have two options. They can back out of the family Xmas which then means either MIL or us have to host. I'm not keen as I'll be 8 months pregnant with a toddler and frankly, we just had our turn hosting last time so it's not really fair. But MIL and FIL are not in good health so I would feel guilty about them doing it. BIL/SIL's second option is to continue to host but ask us not to come. Which is a whole other ball game.

And in both scenarios, what on earth are they going to tell MIL?

Anyway, we've actually decided not to say anything at all about it and let them decide what they're going to do.

[Fiver]

well, here's hoping that she'll be pregnant by then and the whole thing becomes moot.

Is this her 6th round of IVF including what they did to get pregnant the first time, or is this the 6th since trying for a second baby? I can't imagine going through IVF 6 times!