What to do?

[scooter2071]

DH's cousin has a family with 3 young children ranging in age 4-10. The oldest daughter has brain surgey scheduled in mid-January. They expect her to be in the hospital for atleast a week, if everything goes well. Obviously, the family is scared and dreading the surgery.

They live about 4 hours away and all of the sudden DH's side of the family feels it is their duty to swarm on the family during the scheduled surgery to be there for 'support'.

I've seen the 'support' situations go down and that basically means 'we want to be around for any drama, please put us up for the weekend' They have the Mom's parents coming up to stay with the other kids and help out, cousin's Mom lives in the same town so they will have lots of helping hands. I want to wait until maybe Feb. to visit, assuming the little girl is up for it,and the family as well.

Is it my place to suggest to the ILs that it might be a better idea to wait to go and visit? If I had a bunch of company that wanted entertaining while one of my kid's had surgery, I'd tell them to take a hike but I feel that the family might be too polite to say no.

[goblue2539]

What does DH say?  He probably knows his cousin well enough to know if the family coming down is as much of a stressor for her as it is for you.  That being said, I think I would try to find a way to lay the groundwork now that it won't work for you. 

"That's so wonderful of you all to want to help.  How is Cousin holding up?  She's not trying to be hostess is she?  I know I would be, and as much as you would want to help I think I'd feel bad if I let you. But, you said the surgery went well?  Oh great.  We'd love to come visit, but not until Daughter is home from the hospital.  Then we can see everyone at once." 

I guess it's my own version of Ramblin Response.  Just keep talking, don't criticize them but still get your two cents in.  By the time you stop for breath, they won't be able to bring the conversation back to your preferences. 

[scooter2071]

DH wants to go and visit right before/during the surgery! I told him no way, and why,  and if ,God forbid, our kids were undergoing surgery there would be no hangers-on to darken our doorstep...

After I explained he saw the light and realized how it would be inappropriate to assume they would be thrilled to see/entertain a houseful of guests during the surgery and hospital stay. I told him if he really felt he wanted to be there, he could go and get a hotel room but stay out of their way. My SIL and her 3 kids, aged 6 and under, are going (staying at the house) and FIL and his wife too. As well as grandparents.

[scooter2071]

I wanted to add, its the Dad that is his cousin. He will be more than happy to invite us down and whoop it up, because Mom will be doing all of the work and entertaining. Dad and DH will be out in the garage chatting it up and doing whatever they do out there.

[ZipTheWonder]

I can write a book on this one.

I have a child who has had two brain surgeries, and I thank God and anybody else who intervened and allowed my husband and I to be the only entourage he had at the hospital.  

Other people were kind enough to know that this was a very frightening and difficult experience, and I didn't want to be "ON."  I have never cried more or been more vulnerable than when he was taken away for the bigger of the two surgeries.  It is just not a moment I wanted others to see.  

Don't get me wrong, I TOTALLY appreciated the emotional support.  I loved the calls, I appreciated the little things people did for us and the little things they sent.  I *felt* people's prayers on our behalf.  I really, really did.

But, I just was not in a place where I wanted or needed company.  I can't even begin to tell you how grateful I am that I could go two days without a shower without worrying about visitors.  I'm even more grateful that I didn't have a whole lot of people playing doctor and giving advice, because the medical issues were very, very complex and I didn't need them further confused by people who saw something on ER once.  

I would beg you (generic) for all it's worth, if you are anyone other than parents or siblings of the sick child -- please choose some other form of support than going to the hospital or to their home unless you are specifically asked.  I do recognize that other people may feel differently and that some people may very well enjoy having an entourage.   So, I think there is nothing wrong with asking if your help is needed, but please, please either read between the lines of their comments (I know that I was trying very hard to be polite to people who only wanted to be of help) and/or respect their wishes.

[goblue2539]

It sounds like at this moment you've done all you can.  You got through to DH, and you really can't try to stretch that to the rest of his family unless he thinks it's a good idea, it'll work, and he'll help you.  But, it might be possible to make a call or send an email or letter to let Cousin's Wife know that you're thinking of her but trying to stay out of the way.  It might give her an outlet in a situation that sounds like it doesn't have nearly enough. 

And I'll add the little one and family to my prayers.  You did say it was their daughter, right?

[scooter2071]

yes, thank you. prayers are really appreciated.

[kherbert05]

I don't know if this will translate to your DH's family but this is what my family does in a crisis situation.

One member of the immediate family that is not a member of the household is the point person (usually the brother or sister of one of the adults).

If we want an update we call that person instead of the household, that way we don't have worry about waking someone up.

The point person calls the people who need to know and asks them to call their immediate family information is kept simple so the telephone/gossip game doesn't come into play. After the first phone call email is used for updates.

Family members with specialized knowledge make themselves available to the family if they ask for an advocate or translator.

If the household needs something the point person calls the appropriate volunteer (all those people who say if you need help call). Lawns get mowed, kids get take to/picked up from school/dogs are walked/pets are fed and watered, food gets made and delivered in small amounts so as not to over load the frig.

No-one stays in the crisis household except in the role of caretaker. In your situation for example the person caring for the other children would stay over take care of the kids and house, to free up the parents to take care of the ill child and comfort the other children. This is not a time to go visiting.

Translation immediate family in my family includes 1st cousins.

[Lisbeth]

I think your heart is in the right place, but I think talking to your DH about imposing his own company is as far as you should go.  Beyond that it's up to your DH's cousin and his wife to let the rest of your ILs know whether they are welcome or not.

I do send my thoughts and prayers to his cousin's family for their daughter.