Things that you just should NOT laugh at.

[Luci45]

A headline in today's paper: "Dick Clark REMAINS CREMATED" 

I know what they meant, but Diety help me, I laughed out loud.

We had a friend whose father had passed but mom was still able to get leaves from the senior care center. Mom knows she is going the Thanksgiving dinner and asks if Butch will be there.

DD: No, Mom, he's at the cemetery.

DM: Oh. He's still dead then?

Every once in awhile, Lucas and I are talking about someone we love who is gone and somehow go to, "Oh. He's still dead, then?" and the answer has to be, 'Yes, Dear. So is Elvis."  And possibly we ask each other about Michael Jackson.

It's OK for us to do this because we are at an age when we poke each other in the night to make sure the partner is still alive. Oddly, just like I did the babies 40+ years ago, fearing crib death.

[Mental Magpie]

You won't believe for what I got the cops called on me today...according to the girls next door, I was standing at my window, watching them dance and have a good time at their party, while I touched myself.  They could see me!  I was vigorously at it (and was obviously male to them)!  And I was just staring!

Ladies and gentlemen, I was washing the dishes and watching the birds flit around on my fence line while my dogs chased them.

When the cops knocked on the door (the one cop has met my dogs before, so they let him in the yard) I had the dishtowel over my shoulder.  The cop I knew cocked his head for a moment then asked me where my sink was.  I showed him, he told me why he was there, and I lost it.  I bent double with laughter (which apparently the girls heard because I heard shouting and vulgarities from across the street).  The cops had a good laugh too and apologized for interrupting my dish washing.  They also (tongue in cheek) asked me to keep my eyes averted and to be a little bit nicer to my dishes.

I wonder what they told the neighbors...

[vorbau]

"Invest in some opaque curtains?"

There is a US Navy carrier-based electronic surveillance plane called the E2-C, which has a large, round, flat radome mounted above the center of the fuselage. For several years, there was a little elderly lady with some sort of non-Alzheimer's dementia who lived near the air base where some of these planes "lived" when not deployed. Every so often, she would be watching them doing night operations and would call the base to report that one of their aircraft had just been kidnapped by a UFO.

[lady_disdain]

You won't believe for what I got the cops called on me today...according to the girls next door, I was standing at my window, watching them dance and have a good time at their party, while I touched myself.  They could see me!  I was vigorously at it (and was obviously male to them)!  And I was just staring!

Ladies and gentlemen, I was washing the dishes and watching the birds flit around on my fence line while my dogs chased them.

When the cops knocked on the door (the one cop has met my dogs before, so they let him in the yard) I had the dishtowel over my shoulder.  The cop I knew cocked his head for a moment then asked me where my sink was.  I showed him, he told me why he was there, and I lost it.  I bent double with laughter (which apparently the girls heard because I heard shouting and vulgarities from across the street).  The cops had a good laugh too and apologized for interrupting my dish washing.  They also (tongue in cheek) asked me to keep my eyes averted and to be a little bit nicer to my dishes.

I wonder what they told the neighbors...

Wow! I am glad it ended up fine with you, but I can see just how wrong it could have gone, specially if you had been a man.

[Mental Magpie]

You won't believe for what I got the cops called on me today...according to the girls next door, I was standing at my window, watching them dance and have a good time at their party, while I touched myself.  They could see me!  I was vigorously at it (and was obviously male to them)!  And I was just staring!

Ladies and gentlemen, I was washing the dishes and watching the birds flit around on my fence line while my dogs chased them.

When the cops knocked on the door (the one cop has met my dogs before, so they let him in the yard) I had the dishtowel over my shoulder.  The cop I knew cocked his head for a moment then asked me where my sink was.  I showed him, he told me why he was there, and I lost it.  I bent double with laughter (which apparently the girls heard because I heard shouting and vulgarities from across the street).  The cops had a good laugh too and apologized for interrupting my dish washing.  They also (tongue in cheek) asked me to keep my eyes averted and to be a little bit nicer to my dishes.

I wonder what they told the neighbors...

Wow! I am glad it ended up fine with you, but I can see just how wrong it could have gone, specially if you had been a man.

You betcha!  It helped that I knew the one cop, too.  It would have easily been explained by the soap suds, though. 

[GreenEyedHawk]

Magdalena, your neighbour owes you a serious apology!

[Mental Magpie]

Magdalena, your neighbour owes you a serious apology!

Meh, says I, we're moving at the beginning of May...and it was a great laugh!

[vorbau]

If I had not seen pictures, I would not have believed this. But a couple of the field office guys showed me actual evidence photos while alternately laughing hysterically and crossing their legs.

WARNING: CONTAINS MINOR INJURY TO HUMAN SCRABBLE EQUIPMENT.

Apparently a gentleman currently living in base housing (which is why my agency got called) has been playing scrabble with one or more adults to whom he is not married. His spouse apparently learned of this - I understand a friend of hers sent her some phone pictures of him with a partner distinctly not his wife.

She may have read of this somewhere, because I recall seeing it on the Urban Legends website http://www.snopes.com/risque/revenge/superglue.asp, so maybe that's what gave her the idea. But she did it, only using Loctite (industrial-strength superglue). She glued his different bits of scrabble equipment to each other, then glued them down to their natural resting place, and then used the rest of the glue up by gluing his thighs together down to his knees.

She will be charged with assault and battery, but I think she'll get her revenge anyway, as she managed to get still pics on her phone together with some video of him trying to walk out of the apartment down to the ambulance. (He was successfully unglued at the hospital, using the solvent they use on Dermabond (which really is nothing but sterile superglue), rather than anything with sharp edges. I cannot speak as to his mental state.)

[guihong]

I had one, but as usual, Vorbau wins the thread, and further cements (hee!) her status as "Ehellions' Favorite Dinner Party Guest" 

[Xandraea]

LOL Elfmama! 

Speaking of brain damaged cats...we had one who had the misfortune of being kicked in the head by a neighbor's horse when he (the cat) went wandering through the pasture one day.  He was mostly okay but had some balance issues.

One day, he decided to leap up onto the coffee table for a good ear scratching...and kept right on sliding to the other side, finally falling right onto the floor.

I always felt guilty for the 10 minutes my sister and I spent laughing at him.

LOL This totally reminded me of a bf I had once who'd just bought himself satin sheets for his bed, and, wearing silky boxers, in some effort to be sexy for me, dove onto the bed .. and slid straight off the other side and fell between the bed and the wall.  I was doubled over laughing so hard it took me a few minutes before I could help him out, as he was stuck with his feet up in the most awkward position!

[Xandraea]

Years ago I was at a dog show, and after I'd shown my sheltie I was watching the other dogs.  One of them, a large beagle named Barney, did everything at top speed.  This dog show was indoors on slick concrete floors, so when Barney was put on a sit/stay across the ring and his handler called him, he took off at top speed, then tried to stop and sit in front of his handler the way he'd been trained.  However, his speed was such that he slammed on the brakes and skidded...past his handler, past the judge, out of the ring, across the walkway, and into the ring on the other side of the room.  He then collected himself, trotted back, and sat in front of his handler, who was laughing so hard he could barely stand.  Everyone else was laughing - the judge, the ring stewards, and the crowd.  Of course, Barney had to be disqualified for leaving the ring, but it was hilarious all the same.  At least his handler thought so.

ROFLMAO!!!! Wow, this one really got me .. I reread it four or five times and have this image in my head on a loop now. Laughing so hard I'm crying.  Thanks for this, Sirius!

[Snooks]

Years ago I was at a dog show, and after I'd shown my sheltie I was watching the other dogs.  One of them, a large beagle named Barney, did everything at top speed.  This dog show was indoors on slick concrete floors, so when Barney was put on a sit/stay across the ring and his handler called him, he took off at top speed, then tried to stop and sit in front of his handler the way he'd been trained.  However, his speed was such that he slammed on the brakes and skidded...past his handler, past the judge, out of the ring, across the walkway, and into the ring on the other side of the room.  He then collected himself, trotted back, and sat in front of his handler, who was laughing so hard he could barely stand.  Everyone else was laughing - the judge, the ring stewards, and the crowd.  Of course, Barney had to be disqualified for leaving the ring, but it was hilarious all the same.  At least his handler thought so.

ROFLMAO!!!! Wow, this one really got me .. I reread it four or five times and have this image in my head on a loop now. Laughing so hard I'm crying.  Thanks for this, Sirius!

Poor Barney, it wasn't his fault he shot out of the ring!

[blueyzca01]

If I had not seen pictures, I would not have believed this. But a couple of the field office guys showed me actual evidence photos while alternately laughing hysterically and crossing their legs.

WARNING: CONTAINS MINOR INJURY TO HUMAN SCRABBLE EQUIPMENT.

Apparently a gentleman currently living in base housing (which is why my agency got called) has been playing scrabble with one or more adults to whom he is not married. His spouse apparently learned of this - I understand a friend of hers sent her some phone pictures of him with a partner distinctly not his wife.

She may have read of this somewhere, because I recall seeing it on the Urban Legends website http://www.snopes.com/risque/revenge/superglue.asp, so maybe that's what gave her the idea. But she did it, only using Loctite (industrial-strength superglue). She glued his different bits of scrabble equipment to each other, then glued them down to their natural resting place, and then used the rest of the glue up by gluing his thighs together down to his knees.

Vorbau, Could you please explain how on earth this woman was able to manipulate this man's privates to the extent that she did and he did not wake up?  I mean, I'm not a guy, but I think I'd notice if someone was applying stuff to my nether regions...

[Kimblee]

If I had not seen pictures, I would not have believed this. But a couple of the field office guys showed me actual evidence photos while alternately laughing hysterically and crossing their legs.

WARNING: CONTAINS MINOR INJURY TO HUMAN SCRABBLE EQUIPMENT.

Apparently a gentleman currently living in base housing (which is why my agency got called) has been playing scrabble with one or more adults to whom he is not married. His spouse apparently learned of this - I understand a friend of hers sent her some phone pictures of him with a partner distinctly not his wife.

She may have read of this somewhere, because I recall seeing it on the Urban Legends website http://www.snopes.com/risque/revenge/superglue.asp, so maybe that's what gave her the idea. But she did it, only using Loctite (industrial-strength superglue). She glued his different bits of scrabble equipment to each other, then glued them down to their natural resting place, and then used the rest of the glue up by gluing his thighs together down to his knees.

Vorbau, Could you please explain how on earth this woman was able to manipulate this man's privates to the extent that she did and he did not wake up?  I mean, I'm not a guy, but I think I'd notice if someone was applying stuff to my nether regions...

Maybe he was drunk? My cousin put Nair all over her cheating Ex (head to, well you know) and he didn't wake up until it started burning. He was seriously drunk and probably stonned as well.

Disclaimer: I don't EVEN condone this. He was scum yes, but she sank to his level and violence isn't an answer.

[Slartibartfast]

News article today on Yahoo made me think of this thread.  Short version: a dentist's boyfriend dumps her, then comes to her a few days later with a toothache.  Quote from the article: ""I tried to be professional and detach myself from my emotions," Anna Mackowiak, 34, told the Austrian Times. "But when I saw him lying there I just thought, 'What a bastard' and decided to take all his teeth out."  Which she did.  The very end of the article says she's being investigated for medical malpractice - no duh!