Things that you just should NOT laugh at.

[Suze]

We have different levels of membership support at our organisation, depending on how much they pay. The levels are pretty easy to follow: Bronze Member, Silver Member...

The one I keep giggling at? Gold Member 

<*snert!*> Didn't Shirley Bassey sing that?

that was Gold FINGER

Gold MEMBER  is an Austin Powers movie 

both are rather silly (but I love me some Bond)

Favorite line from Goldfinger

"No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die"

[DangerMouth]

We have different levels of membership support at our organisation, depending on how much they pay. The levels are pretty easy to follow: Bronze Member, Silver Member...

The one I keep giggling at? Gold Member 

<*snert!*> Didn't Shirley Bassey sing that?

that was Gold FINGER

Gold MEMBER  is an Austin Powers movie 

both are rather silly (but I love me some Bond)

Favorite line from Goldfinger

"No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die"

Yeah, I know, I was joking

[Suze]

opps sorry

my giggle meter is on the fritz today

[LibChick]

I also must know about the drunk vacumning story, I can’t for the life of me figure out what that must be – did someone get sucked into the vacumn??

As for the guy who blew one of his cerebral hemisphere onto the table, I might either be totally grossed out, or thinking, “Wow, so that’s what one of those looks like close up!”

Well, since you all asked nicely ...

Mothers Against Drunk Vacuuming was created while we were investigating the unattended death of an officer's wife in on-base housing. She was found dead at the foot of the staircase, wearing nothing but a wrap-front bathrobe with the sash untied, with a large upright vacuum partly on top of her, the cord extending down the stairs from an outlet at the top of the flight. Her blood alcohol level was .38.

Actual cause of death was a fracture at C1-C2, accompanied by a large fracture of the left parietal across the coronal suture with epidural hemorrhaging. In plain language, she was drunk to the point of incapacity, wearing a loose garment with high tripping potential, vacuuming the stairs while pulling the cord down behind her. We couldn't tell if she tripped over the cord, the hem of her robe, or the sash, or some combination thereof, but fall she did, hitting the left side of her head hard and breaking her neck at the bottom. I have no idea why she was vacuuming the stairs at 3am, alone, naked and drunk.

She had an extensive history of alcohol abuse, she was well known to us and to base security, and was known in base housing as a sort of snobby, drunken version of Dresser Queen - she called us for all kinds of things, ranging from "the kids are moving my lawn ornaments" to "a UFO just stole one of your planes." I have a lot of sympathy for people with substance abuse problems, but this woman ... well, she had a *long* history of problems, had been offered treatment many many times (for free), and just flat did not want to stop drinking. I think it gave her a sort of PA power over her husband and kids.

And I thought all my housework was murder...

[IrishGenes]

I don't have a story to share (yet), but I just want to say I think all of you have an awesome sense of humor!  I love sarcasm, satire and irony.  It's nice to meet others with a similar sense of humor!

[Elfmama]

Cats can play practical jokes.

When I was a teenager, we had three Siamese cats.  Mine was the alpha cat, her daughter came next, and my brother's cat Bitty was clear at the bottom of the pecking order.

I was sitting in my mother's room talking to her when Alpha came in to get a drink of water out of the toilet.  Front feet down on the bowl, hind feet up on the seat, so she couldn't see when Bitty zipped out from under Mom's bed, pushed Alpha into the toilet, and zipped back again.

If Alpha knew the culprit, she would have killed her!  I've never seen such an angry cat.  She levitated out of the toilet, flew through the bathroom, and splatted down the hallway taking 10-foot leaps.   She wouldn't even let me near her with a towel, just in case I was the culprit.   And Bitty hid under the bed the rest of the day, snickering.

[StarDrifter]

Elfmama! I now have diet Coke all over my keyboard!

[2littlemonkeys]

LOL Elfmama! 

Speaking of brain damaged cats...we had one who had the misfortune of being kicked in the head by a neighbor's horse when he (the cat) went wandering through the pasture one day.  He was mostly okay but had some balance issues.

One day, he decided to leap up onto the coffee table for a good ear scratching...and kept right on sliding to the other side, finally falling right onto the floor.

I always felt guilty for the 10 minutes my sister and I spent laughing at him.

[Sirius]

My sister has a cat who was an abandoned infant kitten, and she had to feed him with a kitten-sized bottle for a couple of weeks.  He's always been a bit "strange", according to her; They named him Newton because he's not very smart, but is very friendly.  Sis says that Newton has been known to walk across the back of their sofa and walk right off the end, as though he didn't realize the sofa had ended until he hit the floor.  He's also done that 'slide across the table thing.'  She sent me a picture of her three cats napping on the sofa that consisted of a large pile of black fur (Sable, the alpha male), a larger pile of grey and white striped fur (Dusty, the beta male), and Newton, a grey tabby, watching her take the picture with one eye closed. 

[Miss Vertigo]

She sent me a picture of her three cats napping on the sofa that consisted of a large pile of black fur (Sable, the alpha male), a larger pile of grey and white striped fur (Dusty, the beta male), and Newton, a grey tabby, watching her take the picture with one eye closed. 

I have tons of photos of my cat Weedster where he's doing exactly that. He's... special.

He was quite aggressive as a kitten, until a friend's 3-year old sprayed him with body spray in an attempt to get him to come out from under the bed. (yeah yeah, I know). I actually don't know whether that has anything to with his demeanor as an adult cat, or whether it was more down to his propensity to walk into doors/walls/table legs. Whatever, he's as daft as a brush. He's the kind of cat that will jump up on the bed, you put him down onto the floor and he instantly jumps back up again about 20 times - I call him a boomerang.

Here is the most normal photograph I have of him, in which he thinks he's a pirate:



Nuff said.

[Elfmama]

She sent me a picture of her three cats napping on the sofa that consisted of a large pile of black fur (Sable, the alpha male), a larger pile of grey and white striped fur (Dusty, the beta male), and Newton, a grey tabby, watching her take the picture with one eye closed. 

I have tons of photos of my cat Weedster where he's doing exactly that. He's... special.

He was quite aggressive as a kitten, until a friend's 3-year old sprayed him with body spray in an attempt to get him to come out from under the bed. (yeah yeah, I know).

OK, what is it with little kids spraying the cat with random liquids to make them come out of hiding?  Grandson #1 sprayed our Siamese with foaming bathroom cleaner trying to make her come out from behind the toilet!  Poor sticky cats.   

[kitty-cat]

Okay, this one I thought of in church this past Sunday.

During the part of the service when the priest is presenting the bread and wine, all of a sudden "Have a little priest" from Sweeney Todd came into my head.

It was very hard to not laugh out loud and to keep my straight face....

Next Sunday is gonna be so fun...

[pharmagal]

A simple spelling mistake.  Instead of spelling highway, it was spelt highqway.  Cue me and my friend sitting there waving at each other saying Hi Qway!  And looking like complete idiots.  Especially in the stupid tone of voice we were using.   Not funny at all, but it still makes me giggle a bit now.

[Ferrets]

The first time I heard this ancient bait-and-switch song around a campfire, having genuinely supposed we were having a quick break in the bawdy ones for a straight hymn, I couldn't stop laughing for ages afterwards. Still can't hear it without cracking up, to be honest (and yes, I am a Christian):

"There is a green hill far away
Without a city wall
Where the dear Lord was crucified
Who died to save us all...

...ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!

He died to save us all!
He died to save us all!
For he's a jolly good fellow,
For he's a jolly good fellow,
For he's a jolly good fe-e-llooooooooow,

He died to save us all!"

[JonGirl]

Theres a woman who regularly calls the local talkback station who is blind and lives with her mother.
Her mother's name is Iris.
I know I shouldn't laugh but I can't help it.