MIL forgot her son's birthday

[JacklynHyde]

Yesterday was Rockhubby's 40th birthday.  Since he was feeling his age I downplayed it during the day but happily celebrated that evening with dinner and cake at his father's house (his parents divorced a couple of decades ago and both are remarried).  His stepmother (Smom) followed her family's birthday tradition of taking pictures while he blew out the candles and cut the cake.  We had a few silly presents for him.  Smom's daughter and my parents called him to wish him a happy birthday.  My brother and his wife sent him silly emails.

There was absolutely no contact from his mother or stepfather.  They live fifteen minutes from us and five minutes from his father.  On the surface the divorce was an amicable one so where we were having dinner should not have made a difference, even if she had known where we were.  All of us have cell phones.  My MIL is not the warmest person in the world, but how does one ignore her only child's 40th birthday?

How do I handle this tactfully without upsetting Rockhubby or angering anyone else in the family?  I've been seething all morning.  Smom listened patiently but had no answer for me.

[eva]

I think all you can do is be there for hubby if HE'S bothered by it (you didn't say in your post that he commented on it at all)

[Elfqueen13]

Maybe she found his milestone birthday to be emotionally difficult?  Him turning 40 means that she is 40+her-age-at-his-birth and she doesn't feel old enough to have a son who's 40?

[JacklynHyde]

Rockhubby's only reaction to his mother's absence was to shrug and guess that she might be on vacation this week (her vacation was last week).  I zipped my lip.

[hobish]

How is their relationship otherwise? Gish's mom totally forgot about his last birthday until about 2 days later; and so did his Grandmother, who lives with his mom (dad is deceased). We laughed about it. We all have a really good relationship, so it really wasn't a big deal that she missed that one day. She is so good to him - to both of us, and all her kids, really - throughout the year it didn't make sense to make a big deal out of one day.

[Hushabye]

Rockhubby's only reaction to his mother's absence was to shrug and guess that she might be on vacation this week (her vacation was last week).  I zipped my lip.

I think the bolded is the best way for you to handle it since it seems that Rockhubby isn't upset about it.  I completely get the frustration, but it's not worth the emotional strain of you getting worked up over something that isn't bothering him.  

[Mikayla]

I'm not sure what there is to "handle".  If she doesn't have a pattern of ignoring him, it's possible this was a genuine oversight, in which case there's nothing to gain by making it more than that.  And if this is part of a larger pattern, unless I'm missing something, I'd think it's between your DH and his mom. 

[Yvaine]

In my family, this would be cause for a fair amount of teasing, but it wouldn't be big drama. If it's an isolated incident, leave it be, and let your DH pick on his mom if he wants. 

[Winterlight]

A couple of years ago I called my parents on my b-day and they wanted to know why I was calling! They'd gotten the date wrong. Cue DramaticWinter whimpering, "It's my birthday(fake sob)." Much apologizing and giggling went on afterwards.

Did he contact her?

[kudeebee]

I can understand why you are upset, but I would let it go.  Let your dh deal with it;  if it really bothers him, he will say something.  You can't control her or her actions and you are the one who is getting upset and not having a good day.

[MrsJWine]

Is it possible she forgot?  I know it's hard to imagine forgetting your own child's birthday, but I'm afraid I'm one of those people.  I forget my own birthday.  They were always kind of ho-hum as I was growing up, and we just never got into them.  I married into a family that sends cards for every.single.occasion except maybe Arbor Day.  I'm having relearn two decades of birthday attitude.  Anyway, I forgot my husband's a few years ago (July 2nd).  At the stroke of midnight on July 3rd, he said to me in the most pathetic voice possible, in the dark as we were falling asleep, "Happy birthday to me?"  Guilt trip duly noted, and then we laughed about it.  We still do.  It had nothing to do with how much I love him at all.

[DangerMouth]

Birthdays go two ways. In the past I've called my mom on my birthday, sent her a card, and once, in a fit of gratitude, sent her flowers. (Tho I admit, I haven't done any of that recently). It's an acknowlegement of what she was going thru X years ago, and if she hadn't gone through it, I wouldn't be here.

It is depressing when someone important to you forgets your birthday, tho. SO has a mental block about my birthday (for three plus decades now), and seems to have the idea that it's on the 21st and not the 19th. I know this about him, and will usually remind him, but I confess to doing the PA thing once or twice over the years and just not mentioned it. Talk about an exercise in self-control, going all day without saying, "it's my BIRTHDAY, you big stupid lug".

OP, would it be completely out of the question to just call his mom and say "Your son was bit down because he didn't hear from you, would you give him a call?" It's not graceful, but it's better than seething.

[Lynnv]

I don't know about your DH or your MIL, but in my immediate family it would not really mean much to forget a birthday.  I am terrible with birthdays and don't remember anyone's birthday, as a general rule.  I have been known to forget about my own.  They just don't mean that much to me-and noone in my immediate family is all that caught up with them past about age 12.

DH's family is at the other end of the spectrum.  They place great stock in birthday cards and phone calls.  His folks would be upset if he forgot a family birthday and failed to call AND send a card. 

Based on his reaction, it sounds like you are more upset by this than your DH is.  Is he like me about birthdays and just plain isn't upset that someone forgot one?  Or do you think he is really upset and his hiding it?

[hobish]

Hee hee, Danger Mouth reminded me ... i can never remember if Gish's birthday is the 8th or the 11th. I've known him for twenty years and we've been together 9 or 10. Still, when his birthday month rolls around i have to wait for him to get in the shower then snatch his wallet and check his driver's license. 

[Lisbeth]

It wouldn't surprise me if my mother forgets my 40th birthday this year.  We had a nasty fight on Monday (she started it), and I think it would be just as well if I don't hear from her at all.

That said, if your DH and his mother have as bad a relationship as my mother and I do, and it doesn't bother him that she didn't contact him (or at least, that he's realistic about expectations from her and isn't in a blue funk over it), then I think you need to leave it between the two of them.