But you HATE children!

[Stjarni]

Argh!

I can't decide if my coworker is clueless, insensitive or just plain dumb. Maybe you can help me?

Backstory: I have a dear friend who's sister was about 8 months pregnant but 2 days ago, the baby died. Today the doctors started her labour. I can't comprehend how they must feel right now but I am very, very sad and pretty much constantly thinking of them.

Me myself is childfree and I am happy about that. Most of my close coworker (and some not so close) is aware that I don't plan to have any children and none of them has said anything negative about my decision. Note that I have never ever said that I hate children.

Today, I was standing at the printer waiting for some documents to finish up when a not-so-close-coworker walked by and asked me if I was feeling well. I did think about the tragedy at that moment and I guess my facial expression was rather sad. I did explain briefly what had happened and my coworker got this puzzled expression and said:

"But I thought you hated children?"

[fklwmn]

I can't decide if my coworker is clueless, insensitive or just plain dumb. Maybe you can help me?

Sounds to me like maybe she is all three. a shocked look and a "Where in the world did you get THAT idea?" comment (in a tone clearly indicating no response is required) would have done the trick. Or even "I'm not sure why you think my personal feelings about children would affect my grief for my dear friend's loss..."

My sympathies to your friend... how awful! 

[Stjarni]

Sounds to me like maybe she is all three. a shocked look and a "Where in the world did you get THAT idea?" comment (in a tone clearly indicating no response is required) would have done the trick. Or even "I'm not sure why you think my personal feelings about children would affect my grief for my dear friend's loss..."

My sympathies to your friend... how awful! 

I should have said something, but due to my temper I didn't dare say anything. I just walked away.

[Tabris]

due to my temper I didn't dare say anything.

No, that was the perfect response, and I hope it garnered the perfect response in your co-worker, which was, "Boy, was that a STUPID thing to say!"

I don't want to own a dog, but I don't feel a surge of glee when a friend's dog dies. I also don't want to own a motorcycle, but if a friend's motorcycle finally gets beyond the point of repair, I don't laugh. I feel *empathy,* which apparently your co-worker never felt before.

I'm so sorry for your friend's sister. **hugs** It's a very difficult road they're now on.

[Clara Bow]

Even if you did hate children you wouldn't want to hear that one had died!! And not having children certainly doesn't mean that you hate them....but you know all this. I would have just looked at her blankly and said "I don't hate children, and I never want to hear of someone having a tragedy. I choose to be child-free because it is my personal decision, not out of any rancor against children." Some people act like electing to not have children makes you some kind of ogre....in reality I think it is smart to know yourself so well and not have children just because everyone thinks you're supposed to.

[Balletmom]

I vote for all three also.

Unfortunately, with such a lethal combination, you could have said so many things and none of them would penetrate the dense fog of her brain.

I am sorry for your friend's loss...

[Quesselin]

There's a fourth option: She's out of her mind. I mean, come on, no "normal" person would say such a thing!

Oh, there's a fifth, too: She's on drugs. Heavy, heavy drugs.

I'm sorry she said that, and my condolences to your friend's family.

[Sandi Papaya]

Even if you did hate children you wouldn't want to hear that one had died!! And not having children certainly doesn't mean that you hate them....but you know all this.

Totally agreed. I don't particularly want children of my own, and don't enjoy the company of unruly children whose parents exert no control or discipline over them. But that doesn't mean that I would NOT mourn the loss of a child's life, particularly under the circumstances described by the OP, or show concern if one of my friends' or relatives' children suffered a serious illness or injury. Or even a small illness or injury.

Having said that, Stjarni, my only advice for you would be to tell this person, "Just because I don't have kids or want kids of my own doesn't mean I can't empathize with my friend's loss." Along with the oft-prescribed "icy glare."

I know how it feels to be one of those people who doesn't want children, and gets these kinds of comments all the time. It's tiring - I have plenty of friends and relatives who have children whom I happen to love and adore. I don't have kids of my own for my own personal reasons - but I'm surrounded by enough kids that I don't really NEED my own. And if something happened to one of those kids, you bet I would be devastated. Your coworker is as insensitive as they come; I'm so sorry for your friend's terrible loss.

[Jocelyn]

>>>I don't want to own a dog, but I don't feel a surge of glee when a friend's dog dies.

Exactly. That one has no personal desire to have a child doesn't mean that one is incapable of understanding that other people do, and feeling sad when their expectations are disappointed.

[Hawkwatcher]

Well, Moonbunny, I do not know anyone who enjoys being around unruly children including the parents of other children.

As for the childfree hating children, that is a another stupid stereotype about the childfree.  While it is certainly true that some childfree people hate children (even though I have yet to met one who would be happy if one died), I have met plenty parents who were not interested in other people's children and, unfortunately, even a few who were not interested in their own.

[Texas Mom]

You can smile sweetly and say
"I LOVE children, as long as there someone else's."

Your co-worker IS clueless.
Your sadness for the grief this mother is feeling & whether you want to have children are mutually exclusive.

[Sandi Papaya]

Well, Moonbunny, I do not know anyone who enjoys being around unruly children including the parents of other children.

As for the childfree hating children, that is a another stupid stereotype about the childfree.  While it is certainly true that some childfree people hate children (even though I have yet to met one who would be happy if one died), I have met plenty parents who were not interested in other people's children and, unfortunately, even a few who were not interested in their own.

That is, unfortunately, too true. In fact, I know a set of parents who have no interest in other people's children, and no interest in the two they have - and yet they want to have a third child because "all the family" is "catching up to them," and they absolutely cannot stand for someone to have what they perceive as "more" than they have. But these are children we're talking about; not posessions - why bother to have more kids when you don't pay attention to the 2 you already have, just so you can claim bragging rights to having the "most" children in the family? Who really cares?

At this point in my life, I'm just not ready to have a child, but that doesn't mean I'm some abusive, hateful ogre who doesn't think the loss of a child is a terrible thing, especially when that child has not had a chance at life. Why is it that those of us who choose to remain childfree are so vilified? Like anything else in life, it's a choice, and not one to be entered into lightly.

After all, kids are not collectible figurines - you can't just pack them in a box and put them in a dark corner of the basement and forget about them when it gets to be "too much work" to take care of them. You can certainly choose to neglect them, but if that's the case, then you shouldn't be having children to begin with. These relatives of mine would rather spend their time going out like a couple of drunken college kids every night (they're in their early 30s, as am I) than spend time at home with their kids - yet I'm the infamous "child-hater" of the family, because I have no kids.

What's wrong with this picture?

[Lisbeth]

How sad for your friend. 

I would have told this person coldly, "My not having kids does not mean that I hate children or can't feel empathy for those who have tragically lost their children.  To suggest that I hate children is incorrect.  I do feel terrible for Friend."

[Venus193]

Argh!

I can't decide if my coworker is clueless, insensitive or just plain dumb.

Like the other poster, I vote all three.  Which I'm sure many others have noticed.

[ehartsay]

I can't decide if my coworker is clueless, insensitive or just plain dumb. Maybe you can help me?

Sounds to me like maybe she is all three. a shocked look and a "Where in the world did you get THAT idea?" comment (in a tone clearly indicating no response is required) would have done the trick. Or even "I'm not sure why you think my personal feelings about children would affect my grief for my dear friend's loss..."

My sympathies to your friend... how awful! 

2nded. I am so tired of people assuming that if you don't want kids you must hate them.