Giving rel[color=black]ationship[/color] advice- taking a step too far.

[Peggy Gus]

I have seen a few threads were people are saying not necessarily in these exact words, but that the OP should leave their spouse for whatever infraction the OP posted about. I just think this is a dangerous route to take. We don't all know each other in real life and we take the posts at face value, but we don't know for sure all of the accurate details. I don't know if I could ever tell my real-world friends this, and I have known them for a long time. I don't know how people take posts, there could be people who really take others advice as "what they should do" rather than suggestions. I have seen other posters step up and say, "hey let's not go there" when people have said "this would be a deal-breaker for me". I'm not saying that anyone is lying in their posts or are gullible and naive, but I am saying that we do not know each other intimate enough to give out advice that could damage lives. I may be over-thinking this and don't be afraid to let me know if I am.

[mechtilde]

Thank you for saying this. There is a tendancy in this forum to say "Leave him" or "Cut her off" when not in full posession of the facts.

[Merry Mrs Martin]

   It's not that's people are gullible but when you start off a little mad and 20 people say "that would be a deal breaker, I'd be packing his/her bags ,run run now" peoples feelings can snowball and build.


Also the simple fact you probable wouldn't have married my husband I wouldn't have married yours.  It's not completely fair for me to say if my husband did x I'd leave about your husband or vs versa.  There are millions on people that are overjoyed with things I would not be able to stand there are millions of people that would not be able to stand my relationship.

[Hanna]

Agreed and thank you for saying so.  I've posted many times to say that I think getting marital advice from the internet is even worse than getting it from friends.  We can't know the whole story, and we won't suffer the consequences of mistakes made by someone else.  Often I see people trying to apply their own fears, bad experiences, anger to someone else's relationship.  I think we have potential to do  tremendous damage.

There are a few exceptions and sometimes we can offer support and a bit of advice.  But I prefer the type that concludes "you have the answer inside of you, we can't make this decision for you"  to "you need to leave your no-good bum of a spouse now."

[Dindrane]

I also think this is a very good point.

There are ways of saying that you think something could be a serious problem under some (most?) circumstances, without vilifying the OP's SO, and without sounding like you're recommending they leave him/her.

I think it's fine to give advice that draws on your own personal experience, if you see a situation that you think may be similar.  But I also think it's very important to be extremely clear that this is biased information, and it's only something to think about.  I don't think any of us should truly be giving advise that encourages an actual course of action.  I don't do that for my friends in my real life, and I wouldn't want to do it for people on here.

[Surianne]

I completely agree.

[supernova]

I'm fine with someone saying, "This would be a deal-breaker for me," because that's more their opinion than it is relationship advice.  I also think it's fine to refer someone to a professional, because that's always good advice. 

All the same, thanks to the OP for posting.  It's good to have a reminder that this is an etiquette forum, not a relationship forum.  I too worry when I see threads in "I need a hug" being derailed with debates or choruses of "Girl, dump his mule," because I think "I need a hug" is very important to our community, and I don't want us to lose it.

[katycoo]

I hesitate to withdraw all suggestion, but I think its helpful when the OP specifically states whether they're looking for advice or comfort.  I get peeved when people are just venting and they start getting the 'leave him' posts.
Sometimes, I think it can be helpful when a person says "I personally would take that as a very big deal" because I've noticed that a lot of the time people feel like they are overreacting about issues and it can be comforting to know that others think it a big deal too.
But I do believe that people can only really refer to their own opinions and not tell a vertiable stranger what choices they should make when there is so much more we don't know.

[PrettyPinkPost-its]

I agree that many posts jump from "he didn't do X for me" to "leave him!" pretty quickly.  I also agree that it would probably be more helpful for posters to offer support or just hugs.

However, it's part of the territory to post on a forum and get some ridiculous suggestions.  I think that posters who look for advice here realize that and take the advice with a grain of salt.

[ladiedeathe]

@ Matilda- The problem is that you cannot presume to know what others will say on an internet board and you emphatically cannot say "Well, give me advice, but not if it is more exteme that I like, or disagrees with my tolerance level, or is more passive than I would like."

There are questions posters on this board have asked and people have told them honestly- I would not tolerate this. I would leave/kick him to the curb. Or even get out now. Other posters tell them "You are making a mountain out of a molehill." It all balances out (assuming the OP has asked for advice).

What exactly is your solution? Answer questions only if your answer involves...? Do not answer if you feel that the poster doesn't want to hear...? Only give middle of the road answers?

I must say, gently, that it sounds like what you are really saying is "Don't anyone answer in any way that I don't agree with or that I believe is too strong." People are giving honest responses- are you really, really trying to say that people should not answer threads unless their advice meets some kind of criteria (cannot tell OP to leave, must encourage counseling...) you agree with? That is not any kind of place I would want to read, lurk, or post.

If you post on a 'net board you get the advice others offer. You cannot control this as long as it is within the bounds of the board. Everyone is different, with different tolerence levels and different things they find to be absolute no gos. This board will become much less interesting if everyone is afraid of giving answers they are honestly asked for, even if you don't agree with all of the responses.

[Kiara]

Pod to ladiedeathe.

And there's already a dividing line between advice and comfort.  That's why there's the I Need a Hug folder.  If you're posting in dating and relationships instead, I think it's natural to assume the poster wants advice.

[Peggy Gus]

I must say, gently, that it sounds like what you are really saying is "Don't anyone answer in any way that I don't agree with or that I believe is too strong." People are giving honest responses- are you really, really trying to say that people should not answer threads unless their advice meets some kind of criteria (cannot tell OP to leave, must encourage counseling...) you agree with? That is not any kind of place I would want to read, lurk, or post.

That is not the point of my post at all, how can you honestly know all of the details or enough details of a person's life based on a paragraph or 2. I just think it's dangerous to tell someone to leave their spouse when you don't know anything about them, you don't know the other person's side of the story. It's fine if you don't agree and I don't expect everyone to. I didn't tell anyone not to post, I just think that it's too drastic when we don't know them on a personal level. I never once said I wanted to control the board, you have taken my post farther than I ever did, and you are reading way more into it than I posted.

[Peggy Gus]

That is not the point of my post at all, how can you honestly know all of the details or enough details of a person's life based on a paragraph or 2. 

How can we know the full details of any situation posted on this board? 

I don't necessarily disagree with your OP, but anything posted on this board is never completely fleshed out.

You are correct on that.

[mechtilde]

There's giving advice, and giving drastic advice though.

Lets take a hypothetical situation- someone posts that her husband's friendship with another person takes up all his time and make her feel very uncomfortable- she just doesn't feel that he is taking her needs seriously. Giving advice would be to get her to try to talk to him or get counselling- possibly even consider what it is that she wants out of the rel@tionship. Drastic advice would be to tell her to leave.

I really don't think that it is appropriate for anyone to be giving that sort of drastic advice based on an online conversation unless there were a genuine fear that the other person was in danger- in which case it would be beyond the purview of the forum and would likely get locked by the Mods.

ETA because of missing word

[Hanna]

 

That is not the point of my post at all, how can you honestly know all of the details or enough details of a person's life based on a paragraph or 2. 

How can we know the full details of any situation posted on this board? 

I don't necessarily disagree with your OP, but anything posted on this board is never completely fleshed out.

The difference is that the consequences of being wrong when answering "What shall I put on the invitation?" are limited and people also don't bring their own emotional baggage to those threads.