Giving rel[color=black]ationship[/color] advice- taking a step too far.

[LifeOnPluto]

For what it's worth, I've really appreciated the relationship advice I've received on these boards. I think it's been pretty balanced and considered, rather than drastic. A few posters have advised me that "they'd find

• behaviour a deal-breaker, and would not stay in such a relationship". But I can recognise that what might be a deal-breaker for them may be something that I can accept.
  
  

[Brentwood]

People need to be careful when asking for advice. I do think it would be a foolish person who would leave her spouse based solely on the advice of a person on an online forum, particularly when relationship advice isn't even the purpose of the forum.

[Audrey Quest]

I think you are over thinking the "danger" aspect to things.
 
As Cathy said, one should be careful when asking advice.

Frankly, I don't think anyone is going to leave their spouse based solely on advice--even extreme advice--that they would get here on this forum.
 
But, extreme advice can make you think--it might even make some people think the exact opposite.

And Matilda, I do think it goes towards "controlling" when you post a thread like this.  You are obviously uncomfortable with what some posters have offered as advice.  The solution is to come up with posts of your own that counter this advice rather than put forth the idea of a blanket rule of sorts where people can say one thing, but not another.
 
There are plenty of rules on the board and they do a really good job of keeping things rolling in a positive way.  I don't think more need to be added, especially ones that would almost need to be determined on a case by case basis.
 
A person doesn't stay with someone because someone they don't know on an internet forum tells them to stay.  And they don't leave because someone they don't know on an internet forum tells them to leave.
 
I know this because even IRL when you know someone and know them well, and know the situation as well as you can know it--they don't always take your advice!

People do what they feel they need to do.  Posting on an internet forum allows them to get a panoply of opinions on what they have chosen to tell.  While that might make them think and it might make them overcome their own inertia, it will not determine the direction they take.
 
I had a really good friend once who was married and it was obvious that she was becoming involved with this other guy.  I knew where that would lead her and I told her so.  She reassured me saying that she would never think of him that way.

I am a rather blunt person and told her flat out that I didn't believe her and that I could not stick around while she tore her marriage apart because I just didn't have the emotional fortitude to do that.
 
She pretty much laughed at me and did exactly what she wanted to do.
 
And what she must have wanted to do was blow up her marriage because that is exactly what she did!  I don't think she even knew that that's what she wanted.  Only in retrospect can we see that the outcome is the result of what she wanted to have happen even if she was unaware of it from the beginning.
 
People do what people deep down know what they want to do--A post on an internet forum isn't going to change that.

[Peggy Gus]

I get that you don't agree with what I wrote, I asked for different views. I never asked for rules to be put in place, I never asked for anything to be banned. I just brought up an issue that I thought was happening quite frequently. If I had asked for a ban to be put in place then you could say I was trying to control the board. I didn't/wouldn't call out a poster for this in a thread, but I thought it was a good topic of discussion. It didn't meet any "etiquette" requirements. Maybe I shouldn't have posted it in this folder because in doing so it has been taken as me trying to make a rule. You don't know how people take the advice on this board, you can't say that they won't take it to heart. Maybe not in a rel@tionship thread, but I have seen many times people stating "well I took your advice". I wanted different opinions, that's why I asked, but I never asked for rules to change or for people to not post what they want. This wasn't an attack on anyone, but you seem convinced I am conspiring to change the forum-I'm not. I enjoy this forum, but I don't lose sleep if someone doesn't agree with me.

[Audrey Quest]

I get that you don't agree with what I wrote, I asked for different views. I never asked for rules to be put in place, I never asked for anything to be banned. I just brought up an issue that I thought was happening quite frequently. If I had asked for a ban to be put in place then you could say I was trying to control the board. I didn't/wouldn't call out a poster for this in a thread, but I thought it was a good topic of discussion. It didn't meet any "etiquette" requirements. Maybe I shouldn't have posted it in this folder because in doing so it has been taken as me trying to make a rule. You don't know how people take the advice on this board, you can't say that they won't take it to heart. Maybe not in a rel@tionship thread, but I have seen many times people stating "well I took your advice". I wanted different opinions, that's why I asked, but I never asked for rules to change or for people to not post what they want. This wasn't an attack on anyone, but you seem convinced I am conspiring to change the forum-I'm not. I enjoy this forum, but I don't lose sleep if someone doesn't agree with me.

I just think its one of those things that while annoying is not really anything to worry about.

We had a thread once about people recommending the book Gift of Fear, which had its own acronym GOF.  Someone wanted to discuss how too many people were recommending it.  Now, I hardly see anyone recommend it.

I understand that you posted here because you feel it is dangerous for people to recommend that they leave a spouse.  That kind of raises it to the level of "we need to do something about this."  It raises it to a level above "isn't this kind of annoying."
 
I am not recommending to you that you call someone out in a thread but that by the giving of your own advice, in the way that you do it, that you bring things down a bit and balance it out more.
 
I think that end up helping the poster as well as the thread.

For instance, one might say "Well, I can see where someone might recommend just leaving, but I can see a lot of ground that could be covered before you might have to get that extreme."

You are correct--it is an extreme view--leave him--problem solved.
 
So, provide more common ground.
 
But, don't worry about the danger.  If someone advises leaving and someone actually does it--its a copout for them to place the blame of their leaving on an anonymous person giving them advice on an internet site.  They had to have wanted to leave if they actually did it.

It's the whole lead a horse to water thing...

But, I agree with you in principal, if not in how to approach it.

 

[Midnight Kitty]

I think there is a world of difference between "that would be a deal-breaker for me" and "you should leave him."  I would interpret the first as the poster identifying their bias and the second as advice.  You can take someone's advice or not, it is your choice and you own the consequences.  I don't see anything wrong with a poster identifying their bias so you can take the rest of the comments with a grain of salt.

[Mahdoumi]

Good posts, Audrey Quest.

[ydpubs]

I agree with Audrey Quest. I highly doubt anyone would get a divorce or break up with their SO solely based on opinions given on an internet board. On the internet and IRL we all know that people we've given our opinions or advice to will do what they want in the end anyway, no matter what we've said to them.

I've generally found the advice here pretty level headed and most will state their bias in a given situation due to past experiences. I have just read them as food for thought and different perspectives which for me is very helpful if I am mired in a situation.