"It must not be THAT serious, then!"

[Kit Porter]

This is actually a two parter.

The first has to do w/my boyfriend. We've been together for roughly three years, and you'd be amazed at the things people will say once they realize that marriage is nowhere in the near future. The long and short of it is that both of us have student loans up the bee-hind, plus we both want to earn our Master's degrees, pay off our car loans and get our credit straight before we even THINK about getting married. All of those things are generally written off as 'excuses' from both sides of our families, who tell us that there will never be an "ideal" time to get married and we're just making excuses to prolong the event. Hello, just because we are not getting married (or even live together) does NOT mean we are not in a serious, committed relationship!

The second has to do with my boyfriend's sister, who has bipolar disorder. Like Michelob, some days are better than others. Folks, the correct response to learning that somebody is suffering from depression is NOT "It must not be that serious" if and when you learn that the person in question has not followed your Absolutely Guaranteed Answer to Manic Depression. I could write a book on the "tough love" garbage her family (mainly her mother) has said. I have ground my teeth to a nub and bitten my tongue to a bloody stump over this, but she is about one more "if it was really THAT bad..." away from my head exploding.

[girlysprite]

some people are very old-fashioned about relations. When it is serious, you get married asap. The root is in how people perceive marriage I think. For some it is a big celebration to mark that they are together and will stay together, but not something that is done as soon as it gets serious. For others it's a mark that from that point on, it's serious.

As for bi-polar - there are so many people who just don't get it when it comes to such disorders. They think that when someone is depressed, the person must look like a husk, a shell of a normal person. Fat hair, thinned out, unwashed, that line of work. Anything else is 'not real'. If a person manages to come across as happy and polite despite the disorder, it must be 'not so bad'. Maybe talking about how they perceive such disorders might help?

[QueenofAllThings]

I have sisters who are bi-polar; it is always serious. Which is not to say that it is always critical, but it is never to be taken lightly.

As to the marriage stuff, well, whatever - you settle down when you are ready to and no sooner.

[Kimblee]

The proper response by a mentally ill person to the phrase "well it can't be THAAAT bad" is calmly smiling and stabbing yourself in the hand with the nearest object. While never wavering on the smile.

Wait... no that's not it. Oh, yes. The correct answer is ignore the pain from the thoughtless statement and swallow your emotions. No. Not it. but closer. Ignore and vent to someone who loves you? Yeah, that sounds about right.

Lots of hugs for you, your BF and BF's Sister. Here's a wish that her good days be awesome, and her bad days be sleepy.

@girlysprite: You just hit the nail on the head. When I get up, wash, comb my hair and do my makeup nicely, obviously that means I'm "cured" and don't need love of understanding anymore right? Apparently yes, ecause my father believes this implicitly. Hence why the "smile and stab hard" method becomes tempting. If I'm not gonna get support anyway, why restrain the urges, right? I wish people would realise that a nicely groomed Bipolar is simply one who is trying harder right this moment, not one who is cured. And that it can still be a really bad day, even if the eyeliner is flawless.

You sound like you speak from experience. I'll go ahead and send lots of good wishes to be used on yourself or anyone else who needs some.

[blue2000]

@girlysprite: You just hit the nail on the head. When I get up, wash, comb my hair and do my makeup nicely, obviously that means I'm "cured" and don't need love of understanding anymore right? Apparently yes, ecause my father believes this implicitly. Hence why the "smile and stab hard" method becomes tempting. If I'm not gonna get support anyway, why restrain the urges, right? I wish people would realise that a nicely groomed Bipolar is simply one who is trying harder right this moment, not one who is cured. And that it can still be a really bad day, even if the eyeliner is flawless.

You sound like you speak from experience. I'll go ahead and send lots of good wishes to be used on yourself or anyone else who needs some.

I hear you on that one. Some of my relatives think I'm fine because I look fine. And of course I look fine - why would I go to a family party looking horrible?? If I was feeling too sick to get dressed, I'd stay home!

I will say that some people do not seem to notice these things at all. I have a relative that is terminally ill. He used to be a big strong guy, now he can barely make it across the room. Some people still think he looks good. They can't see anything wrong. Honestly, my mind is completely boggled at that.

As for the marriage questions, the absolute ideal time to get married is when you decide it is time. Not before. Don't even give anyone your reasons, just tell them you haven't decided and move on. Even if you decided not to get married at all, that still isn't any of their business.

[mharbourgirl]

As for the marriage questions, the absolute ideal time to get married is when you decide it is time. Not before. Don't even give anyone your reasons, just tell them you haven't decided and move on. Even if you decided not to get married at all, that still isn't any of their business.

Hit the nail on the head there.  The Hubster and I have been 'married' 15 years as of this last May 19.  That being the day I stepped off the plane in Nova Scotia and saw him face to face for the first time. We never did get papered, but I defy anyone to claim we're not committed to each other.  And people tend to assume we are officially because he's my husband and I never call him anything else when I'm conversing with others.  I never feel the need to say 'well, he's not REALLY my husband', because what else do you call 15 years of living together, stressing over both sets of parents together, seeing each other at our worst and best?   A piece of paper won't keep you together if you're not happy, and a lack of one doesn't mean you're not in it for the long haul.  Something my parents have always insisted on not understanding, but that's their problem.

I wasn't one of those girls who dreamed of a big wedding anyway (no knock on all those who do, we're all just different from each other).  I will go to my grave deleriously happy that I get all the benefits of marriage without having to put on a dress and show for a whole bunch of people (which would terrify me, by the way).  I also hate wearing dresses.  And this way I don't have to worry about people questioning why I didn't take his last name, though I wouldn't anyway.  Not that there's anything wrong with that, but his mother is Mrs. *hislastname*, and I will HURT anyone who tries to call me that.