Spinoff of Childfree thread: Their house -your kids-whose rules?

[waterwren]

 I am child free. My home is not set up for kids and never will be. I have several friends with kids, that fall firmly into two camps and there seems to be no middle ground.
 One is "It's waterwren's house, it's her rules. No matter if we do things differently at home here you do things HER way. Or we go home."
The other camp is "It's my kid I set the rules and I don't care if you don't like it. I am raising him a certain way and you'll just deal."

The second group is rarely invited over. And they don't seem to understand why. People in this group have tried to remove religious items from the kid's view ( they are Christian - I am Buddhist) , allowed kids to jump on furniture, tried to dictate that all meals WILL be vegetarian, and at another friend's house tried to over rule long standing rules on TV and movies (no Barny and Pokemon, amongst other things like TV off when guests are visiting. She'll compromise and let kids watch movies she keeps for them if parents don't bring anything, but Barny and Pokemon are strict no-nos. Kids understand parents have fits.)
 I keep nothing for kids since I have MOSt of my stuff in storage because my apartment is so small and everything I have for kids means that much less that I can have of my own...my friend with the pokemon rules has toys, games and even "cookie dough" in the fridge and cookie cutters for kids to play with rather than sit in front of the TV (hence the no TV even for kids rule, she'd rather engage them.)
 Neither my friend or I permit people to put their kids down for a nap or to sleep in out beds. It's just not what we feel comfortable with. And again one set goes along the other set pitches a fit.
 So I ask you do you think that a person with out kids has to acquiesce to each parents set of rules in her home?


And while we're at it. What about cars.  Big bone of contention here. One person in our group just bought a new car. Luxury model, leather seats and all.  She's decided no car seats in the car because she does not want the outline permanently indented into them and for older kids - no eating and drinking in the car. She does not even eat drink in it yet.  One parent has gone as far as to Order her to get or make seat covers, another has told her "we'll figure out something but this ban on eating and drinking is stupid and you'll need to get over it."  In this person's last car the child of the mother who said "get over it" took his diaper off and had a bowel movement on the upholstered seats!
 again who's rules in a non parent's car?

[Jillolina]

Well, obviously the people who try to tell you what to do in your own home/car are in the wrong.  It doesn't matter if there are kids involved or not.  Frankly, these epeople shouldn't be invited over again with kids, period.  And I say this as a parent.

[Deep-fried Twinkie]

One is "It's waterwren's house, it's her rules. No matter if we do things differently at home here you do things HER way. Or we go home."

This is what we follow.  The only way we'd be following my rules is if mine were stricter.

... and to the following, what the heck?

In this person's last car the child of the mother who said "get over it" took his diaper off and had a bowel movement on the upholstered seats!

this person would no longer be invited to anything I hosted. And I'd try to avoid them at all costs at every other event.

[TarHeel]

I am a firm believer in if I own it, I will do as I please with it, and no one else has a right to change that.  They can disagree all they want, but if I said no jumping on the furniture, then there will be NO jumping on the furniture.  If furniture-jumping continues, the offending parties would be quickly escorted from the house.

As for the car - what on earth?!  First of all, if people can't respect my rules for MY car, they don't get into it.  Period.  End of story.  No rides for them.  For instance, I do not allow smoking in my car.  My friends who smoke know and understand that, and it's never been a problem.  If I were your friend, I would not make seat covers, would not allow small children into the car if they required car seats, and would not allow anyone carrying any sort of open food item into the car.  I think that's perfectly reasonable.  For years my parents didn't allow ANY food or drink in their car (except a Diet Coke for them).  My sister and I never questioned it, and to my knowledge, neither did anyone else - parents, kids, or childfree adults.  

It all comes down to respect.  Does this item belong to you?  No?  Then it is NOT YOURS to do with as you please.  If you want to use it, you must obey the owner's wishes.  If you want to be in the house, you obey the house rules.  If you want to ride in the shiny-new car, you obey the car rules.  It's not a negotiation.  

The simplest way to deal with this situation is enforce your rules.  Eventually, group 2 will either be forced to obey your rules in your house or car, or they'll stop coming into your house or your car, and you'll see them elsewhere.  Either way, YOUR stuff is not ruined by THEIR entitlement.

[evil_xylo]

I think that there is a happy medium.

Things that you don't allow to go on in your house ARE off limits.  If they can't understand that, kick them out (as nicely as you can) and tell them why.

Things that you do allow but they don't are also off limits.  You don't have a say in this but the parent do.

It is called respect for other people and their things.   More kids need to learn it.

[ettacat]

I think that there is a happy medium.

Things that you don't allow to go on in your house ARE off limits.  If they can't understand that, kick them out (as nicely as you can) and tell them why.

Things that you do allow but they don't are also off limits.  You don't have a say in this but the parent do.

It is called respect for other people and their things.   More kids need to learn it.

Yeah, that.

[Andromeda]

My house, my rules - period. If my friends can't understand that, out they go. Yes, I do have friends with kids - they bring them over, and I set the kids up with one of my 80s cartoons and a can of pop or a bowl of popcorn. I'm not too fussy about spilling - I have carpet cleaner- but these kids are careful.  Plus, the tv is in the living room, so where else are they going to sit?

However, the parents that come over to my place actually watch their kids and have respect for other's houses.

[Amanita]

I'm sorry, but you make a biological mess in a car or house I own, you pay to have it cleaned.
And anyone who attempts to deface my altar by removing things on it because they don't want their kids to see Pagan things would NOT be welcome in my home. Heck, I could not be friends with somebody who disrespects my beliefs so cavalierly. I would not mind having vegetarian food on hand for a friend who ate that way. But to order ME not to eat meat when they're around? Again, NO.

If the parent who ordered the new-car owner to make seat covers wants them that badly, why don't THEY offer to pay for them?

I'm sorry, but when in my house you follow my rules. No jumping on the furniture, no torturing the cat, no manhandling the model cranes and other collectables, no matter how toy-like they look.
If you can't abide by those rules, then stay out.

[Calbrini]

I used to know a couple of people who thoght it OK to let their kids run riot in my house. one of these kids picked up a doll I had wearing indian costume and his dad made a racist joke and told the kid it was OK to smash its face in. i said i would be sendig him the bill for it. He told kid to put doll down. He wondered why his girlfriend took kid to the other side of the country.

I dont know about car seats, in England they are the law and the driver is the one who gets fined if caught, whether parent is the driver or not. police will sometimes excuse short, unplanned or emergency journeys. However letting kids use your car as toilet is unforgivable.

[MsEva]

Their house - my kid - who's rules?

For me this is a no brainer - the stricter rules win no matter who they belong to.

[veryfluffy]

I don't invite people to bring their children to my house, so I have never had to deal with this. The youngest children that have been there have been very mature 12 year olds.

All my cars are 2 seat convertibles, and only one of them has seat belts. I don't think I'm even allowed, legally, to carry children.

[graceh9]

I think a gracious host is flexible

If one is going to have babies and toddlers as guests then there has to be someplace to put them down for a nap -- if it isn't enough for you to have a blanket you put down on your bed  for that purpose then you need to alert parents to bring a bed or playpen for naps -- or a nap mat -- but I think it is ungracious to not accommodate them someway. 

If one has relatives who fly in to visit one, then arrangements need to be made for car seats in the car if they are going to travel with one.  Otherwise, let the relative know they will have to rent a car as yours will not accommodate their car seat -- but again -- I think this is the kind of accommodation a gracious host would make. 

And if one is going to allow kids to watch TV to be entertained, it seems excessively churlish to outlaw barney (much as I loath him) -- the parents ought to determine what the kids watch -- if the TV is loud and in the same room as the adults, well then a no TV rule is fair enough -- but it is rather control freakish to try to censor what the kids watch if they are going to watch however.

But smoking in the car?  eating in the car?  jumping on the furniture? playing with things off limits?  rearranging the altar?  those are 'my house, my rules '  issues and the host need not put up with any of it -- it is irrelevant what the kids are allowed to do in their own home, the more restrictive rules of the hostess obtain here.

and pooping in the car?  well that one calls for hazmat cleanup billed to the parents. 

[ccnumber4]

I dont know about car seats, in England they are the law and the driver is the one who gets fined if caught, whether parent is the driver or not. police will sometimes excuse short, unplanned or emergency journeys. However letting kids use your car as toilet is unforgivable.

My guess is that the car owners aren't saying "your children must ride without a car seat" rather than "I cannot transport your child because I don't allow car seats in my vehicle."  The simple solution there is each party is responsible for getting herself and / or her children wherever they are meeting. 

OP, these people disrespected you, your home, your belongings, your diet and your religion.  Why are you still friends, let alone worried about inviting them over again?

[baconsmom]

Host's rules, in general. The only exceptions would be hosts who say, "Oh, it's okay," if my child misbehaves - actually, no, it's not okay, even if they're not terribly offended. And if the host is providing an activity for my child, I reserve the right to veto any movie/book/etc. that I have ethical/moral opposition to, but I would do so politely ("Oh, how wonderful of you to provide crayons, but I'm afraid I'd rather not have her looking at that coloring book. I've brought plain paper, if that's all right with you.").

Children need to learn to respect other people's space and belongings, and abiding by a host's rules helps them do that.

[sammycat]

People in this group have tried to remove religious items from the kid's view ( they are Christian - I am Buddhist) , allowed kids to jump on furniture, tried to dictate that all meals WILL be vegetarian,

    I am just so gobsmacked that people will behave like this in someone else's home. Obviously I have been living in a bubble as it would never occur to me to interfere with someone's religion, let alone in their OWN HOME!

I have 2 children and I go by the "whichever is stricter" method.  But basically, if someone, adult or child, is in my house, then they play by my rules.

As for allowing a child to poop on someone's carseat - that is the last time I would have anything to do with that person.