Author Topic: I'm getting a bit tired of this (urgent, the discussion will be tonight)  (Read 8958 times)

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LeeLee88

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Everybody needs recharge time, definitely.  I wouldn't begrudge him even an hour of game time, it's when it gets into 3+ hours that I'm thinking, "Okay then... that's a little much."  I also appreciate my time to unwind, I get on and read E-hell while eating dinner and sometimes play Tetris online to just relax.  But that's very brief (I'm bad at it :-P) because there are other things that need to get done. 

high dudgeon

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Maybe an alarm clock set to go off about an hour after he gets home would be helpful? Or have him set up a kitchen timer set for thirty minutes or a hour when he starts playing? Just having something starting to beep at him would be a good way to jar him out of the game playing coma he gets into. Some recharging time is necessary, but not when it takes over all your time.

I guess I might be a bit PA, but after bringing it up so many times with mixed results, I'd probably go the route of only washing my own clothes and eating out on the way home from work or cooking for myself, and eventually when he got hungry enough, or ran out of clean underwear, he'd realize that every second outside of work can't be only "fun time." I would take care of any pets or children, but that would be about it.

sparksals

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I am going to say one thing in defense of your husband ( and let me tell you I have me own tale with my own DH ). I have a stressful job and when I get home - I am tense, tired and just wiped out. I also am an introvert that recharges by alone time.

When I get home - I greet everyone and take 20 minutes for ME. This may be laying down for a quick nap, watching the news by myself, a PC game or reading a chapter in my book.

I find I need this transition before I immerse myself in our crazy household. I am more effective, more energetic and just happier.

I would not be happy if I walked in the door and was told to fold laundry.  You might want to see if your DH needs a transition time.... BUT he needs to recognize that it isn't 4 hours and he should not start an X-BOX session if he can't turn it off in a reasonable time frame.


This is a very good point.  I need my quiet time first thing in the AM.   Let me have my coffee, don't bug me, give me time to wake up.  DH needs his when he comes home from work.   We respect each other's decompressing needs.  I would never barrage DH with duties the minute he walks in.  We chat a bit, I give him a beer and he goes down to his dungeon mancave for about 30 minutes.

Aeris

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I definitely also need my recharge time, but as a semi-serious gamer, I can tell you straight away that once you turn on the game, it's really really really really hard to stop again. If he needs 20 minutes or even an hour to recharge before picking up housework, I highly recommend he find something other than gaming for that, and only pick up the game when he knows he can safely do it for awhile, or til he goes to bed, or whatever.

This is coming from the girl who constantly tries to turn on a game for just a half hour, only to find herself 6 hours later still engrossed.

Since it's xbox, it's probably not a MMORPG like WoW, which makes things better than they would otherwise be. I will never ever play that game, because I'm bad enough with offline console RPGs.

KitFox

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Everybody needs to decompress, but I'm the exact opposite of your DH. I want to get things done while I'm still in work mode. I tend to hit the house at warp speed, fly through what I have to get done in the evening, and after we finish cleaning up from dinner, I put on my lounging wear (PJs) and cuddle up to my sofa and book/knitting/movie/etc.

LeeLee88

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Everybody needs to decompress, but I'm the exact opposite of your DH. I want to get things done while I'm still in work mode. I tend to hit the house at warp speed, fly through what I have to get done in the evening, and after we finish cleaning up from dinner, I put on my lounging wear (PJs) and cuddle up to my sofa and book/knitting/movie/etc.

And that's exactly how I prefer to do it too.  It's nice to wind down before bed so I don't forever to fall asleep from still being keyed up.

Dindrane

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Everybody needs to decompress, but I'm the exact opposite of your DH. I want to get things done while I'm still in work mode. I tend to hit the house at warp speed, fly through what I have to get done in the evening, and after we finish cleaning up from dinner, I put on my lounging wear (PJs) and cuddle up to my sofa and book/knitting/movie/etc.

And that's exactly how I prefer to do it too.  It's nice to wind down before bed so I don't forever to fall asleep from still being keyed up.

So if your DH is the opposite, do you think you'd be okay with him doing his chores after you've finished yours, as long as they get done?  Or do you need the time-frame to be more specific than that, so that (for instance) you both have some time to talk for a little bit?

I think one thing that might help you is think about what your ideal evening situation would be.  Then compare that to how things work now (because that seems to be your DH's ideal evening situation).  Figure out where the middle is for you, and work towards that.  Your DH isn't going to do everything exactly the way you do, and there's nothing wrong with that.  You just both need to adjust your expectations of how the evenings will work to a point where you can both live with them.


sparksals

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Everybody needs to decompress, but I'm the exact opposite of your DH. I want to get things done while I'm still in work mode. I tend to hit the house at warp speed, fly through what I have to get done in the evening, and after we finish cleaning up from dinner, I put on my lounging wear (PJs) and cuddle up to my sofa and book/knitting/movie/etc.

And that's exactly how I prefer to do it too.  It's nice to wind down before bed so I don't forever to fall asleep from still being keyed up.

That's how you prefer to do it, but if your husband picks up his share, do you think it would be the same for him?  It has to be what works for both of you. 

high dudgeon

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Everybody needs to decompress, but I'm the exact opposite of your DH. I want to get things done while I'm still in work mode. I tend to hit the house at warp speed, fly through what I have to get done in the evening, and after we finish cleaning up from dinner, I put on my lounging wear (PJs) and cuddle up to my sofa and book/knitting/movie/etc.

And that's exactly how I prefer to do it too.  It's nice to wind down before bed so I don't forever to fall asleep from still being keyed up.

So if your DH is the opposite, do you think you'd be okay with him doing his chores after you've finished yours, as long as they get done?  Or do you need the time-frame to be more specific than that, so that (for instance) you both have some time to talk for a little bit?

I think one thing that might help you is think about what your ideal evening situation would be.  Then compare that to how things work now (because that seems to be your DH's ideal evening situation).  Figure out where the middle is for you, and work towards that.  Your DH isn't going to do everything exactly the way you do, and there's nothing wrong with that.  You just both need to adjust your expectations of how the evenings will work to a point where you can both live with them.

I wonder if you could give him a list of things he had to do before coming to bed? Then if he wants to stay up until midnight playing video games, then that's when he'd have to start his housework? Or would he just blow off the housework and come to bed whenever he got tired?

TootsNYC

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Re: I'm getting a bit tired of this (urgent, the discussion will be tonight)
« Reply #54 on: August 07, 2010, 02:40:59 PM »
Just remember that he is not "helping you" but "doing his share" of family work. Housework is not "your" job; it's "people who live in the house" who are responsible for it. I just get a little irritated sometimes when wives want their husbands to help with the housework (like it's the wife's job) instead of just doing housework that is everybody's responsibility.

It's not always wives that expect their husbands to help.  It is sometimes the other way around.  Can we just stick with spouses if we're talking in a general sense?

Because seriously, in my house, I (the woman) do very little housework, frequently need to be reminded, often think of it as "helping" rather than my job, and want lots of positive feedback when I do any portion of my share of household chores.  I know that this is probably not the most common way things work out, but it does happen.  I always find it very frustrating when people make broad general statements about how men never do housework as consistently as women, because it isn't something that is true all the time.


Ditto, actually.

But for the OP, the biggest danger and problem I see isn't so much the *chores*, but the lack of closeness, the singularity of their evenings. They aren't together; they're just in the house at the same time.

I see it in my own marriage sometimes, and it's not a force for good.

Danismom

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Re: I'm getting a bit tired of this (urgent, the discussion will be tonight)
« Reply #55 on: August 09, 2010, 03:22:20 PM »
I'm wondering if there are any updates Leelee?  I'm hoping that things are going better now.