The uninvited guests

[saki]

I would avoid giving reasons like "I need to know for planning purposes" because they may say things like "oh, that's fine, they'll bring their own wine" or whatever.

I think I'd just give Brenda/Mike a call or sit them down and say, "Last time that we had a party, you brought along Elaine and Adam.  We didn't invite Elaine and Adam and we were not happy that you brought them along anyway.  We need you to respect the fact that we get to decide who is invited to our events.  We love having you along but please don't invite along extra people again."

[PoliteTeacher]

I would avoid giving reasons like "I need to know for planning purposes" because they may say things like "oh, that's fine, they'll bring their own wine" or whatever.

I think I'd just give Brenda/Mike a call or sit them down and say, "Last time that we had a party, you brought along Elaine and Adam.  We didn't invite Elaine and Adam and we were not happy that you brought them along anyway.  We need you to respect the fact that we get to decide who is invited to our events.  We love having you along but please don't invite along extra people again."

Very true and Elaine and Adam did bring something along with them when they came to our party, which was nice. Would it be appropriate to ask Brenda and Mike not to even mention the party to Elaine or Adam? This is the conversation I can imagine taking place:

Elaine: What are you guys doing tonight?
Brenda: Oh, PoliteTeacher is having a party that we're going to.
Elaine: I didn't know she's having a party.
Brenda: Yeah, I would have you tag along but she told me she didn't want you there.

Brenda is honest. To a fault, at times. 

[KeenReader]

I would avoid giving reasons like "I need to know for planning purposes" because they may say things like "oh, that's fine, they'll bring their own wine" or whatever.

I think I'd just give Brenda/Mike a call or sit them down and say, "Last time that we had a party, you brought along Elaine and Adam.  We didn't invite Elaine and Adam and we were not happy that you brought them along anyway.  We need you to respect the fact that we get to decide who is invited to our events.  We love having you along but please don't invite along extra people again."

Very true and Elaine and Adam did bring something along with them when they came to our party, which was nice. Would it be appropriate to ask Brenda and Mike not to even mention the party to Elaine or Adam? This is the conversation I can imagine taking place:

Elaine: What are you guys doing tonight?
Brenda: Oh, PoliteTeacher is having a party that we're going to.
Elaine: I didn't know she's having a party.
Brenda: Yeah, I would have you tag along but she told me she didn't want you there.

Brenda is honest. To a fault, at times. 

Ask them not to mention the party to anyone at all.

[Sway]

I'm not completely prepared to blame Brenda and Mark. Is it possible that they simply mentioned that they'd be at your party and Elaine and Adam made an interesting assumption and invited themselves?

Anyway, what about being deliberately vague in a discussion with Brenda and Mark. Say you've had a problem at previous party's with people inviting others or letting them know that you are having a party, and you don't want that to be a problem this time...and you certainly don't want to have to turn people away at the door for not being on the official guest list although you'll do so if it happens. Would they get that their actions are included and applies to anyone they might have wanted to invite? You aren't lying, you aren't accusing Brenda and Mark of rudeness, and Brenda can't be "too" honest with Elaine and Adam.

[KitKat]

Was it miss manners who said the gracious host deals with extra guests by looking them up and down, andthen setting extra plates atthe table as if she had forgotten they positive RSVP? regardless, I think it would be rude to turn them away.

I think you need to address it with your friends, as the pp's suggested.

Miss Manners did not say this, and no, it's not rude to make clear to uninvited guests that they are not welcome.  There are any number of completely valid reasons why guests would not be invited to begin with (including "My house, my guest list" as well as "They assaulted me,"), not to mention space, budget, and amount of food available.  If one doesn't have the room or food to entertain these people, one cannot set extra plates at the table as she had forgotten they RSVPd yes. Not to mention that it makes these people think they can get away with it whenever they like because no one will set a boundary and turn them away.

Nobody should be accepting an invitation that doesn't come directly from the host, who may well have left them off the guest list.  Elaine and Adam, if they hear about a party hosted by PoliteTeacher, should wait for PoliteTeacher to invite them and not simply assume that it's okay with her that they just show up.  I'm sorry, but I find that to be just as rude as Brenda and Mark's extending them an invitation in the first place.  I think that the "humiliation" argument doesn't apply, because society does often encourage the shunning of people who break its rules by way of "shame" and "humiliation" into observing them.

I will agree that "Get out of here" is perhaps too blunt and unkind a way to make this clear, and that's why I suggested the wording I did.  But these people deserve the message: "I'm sorry, but I didn't invite you, and unfortunately I can't entertain you at this time."

The bolded is why I agree that turning people away at the door is not rude.  It might have some social consequences which I would weigh before doing so.  For instance, do your mutual friends like them?  Are they truly inviting them to their parties or are they just showing up there too?  If your other friends like them you might feel some social pressure but in the end it is still your house, your rules.

[kingsrings]

In my group of friends, it’s common for some of the invitees to invite others outside of the group to a get-together, unless it’s a specialized personal event (for example, someone’s birthday, then you wouldn’t invite an outsider). I don’t host ever because of space, so I don’t have to deal with that. But if I did, I would prefer people to not do this. Or more importantly, ask me first if it’s okay! I wouldn’t like it if outsiders entering my home were just sprung onto me without any notice.

[KeenReader]

One thing I notice in this thread seems to be a conflation of "gracious" with "polite."

Yes, it's gracious for a host/ess to suck it up and treat uninvited guests as though they were invited.  But it's not "not polite" not to do so, and sometimes, it isn't possible or practical.  If that's the case, the host/ess is not being "ungracious" to not admit uninvited guests.

[PoliteTeacher]

I'm not completely prepared to blame Brenda and Mark. Is it possible that they simply mentioned that they'd be at your party and Elaine and Adam made an interesting assumption and invited themselves?
Anyway, what about being deliberately vague in a discussion with Brenda and Mark. Say you've had a problem at previous party's with people inviting others or letting them know that you are having a party, and you don't want that to be a problem this time...and you certainly don't want to have to turn people away at the door for not being on the official guest list although you'll do so if it happens. Would they get that their actions are included and applies to anyone they might have wanted to invite? You aren't lying, you aren't accusing Brenda and Mark of rudeness, and Brenda can't be "too" honest with Elaine and Adam.

It would not surprise me in the least to find out that Elaine and Adam invite themselves to parties. They're pushy, which is a big part of the reason I am not a fan of their company. Shortly after my party last fall, Brenda said something to the effect of "they asked what we were doing and I felt bad that they had nothing to do." That's a paraphrase but basically the gist. I'm not sure if they would get the hint that I'm kinda-sorta talking about them. Since other friends have started inviting them (and complaining later about it!!!) I think brenda feels like everyone wants them there.

In my group of friends, it’s common for some of the invitees to invite others outside of the group to a get-together, unless it’s a specialized personal event (for example, someone’s birthday, then you wouldn’t invite an outsider). I don’t host ever because of space, so I don’t have to deal with that. But if I did, I would prefer people to not do this. Or more importantly, ask me first if it’s okay! I wouldn’t like it if outsiders entering my home were just sprung onto me without any notice.

I'm okay with it too if I have notice. Now the issue is that I know these people and I really just don't want to socialize with them.

[LEMon]

Time to talk to Brenda.  Teach her about polite "saving the other person's feelings" comments, and bean dip.  I'm sure we could come up with a good list of things she could say rather than "I am going to a party at PoliteTeachers".

"We have plans for tonight.  Why don't we plan to do something together tomorrow?"

And if Elaine pushes,
"Oh, I couldn't bring you along.  PoliteTeacher needed a headcount last week."

But honestly there are two people you can deal with here - yourself and Brenda.  Brenda needs to learn what she is doing is very impolite and may get her taken off guest lists.  You can plan how you would deal with Brenda and making it clear that she needs to stop bringing Elaine, and you can plan what you will do if it happens again.

(The assumption here is that the females are the problem.  If that doesn't seem to be the case or is not the only problem and the males are involved,  your husband should talk to Brenda's.)

[PoliteTeacher]

Thank you all for the excellent suggestions and ideas. I really appreciate it! I talked with Brenda and gave her a heads up that I was having a party and specifically not inviting Adam and Elaine. She confessed to me that she's feeling suffocated by her friendship with them and I think she appreciated the suggestions on how to avoid socializing with the all the time. Thanks, again!

[DigitalPumpkin46]

Thank you all for the excellent suggestions and ideas. I really appreciate it! I talked with Brenda and gave her a heads up that I was having a party and specifically not inviting Adam and Elaine. She confessed to me that she's feeling suffocated by her friendship with them and I think she appreciated the suggestions on how to avoid socializing with the all the time. Thanks, again!

wow, that's a great outcome - go you for speaking up, for your friend for being honest, and for you to be able to help her like that!

Etiquette Win all around!

[Winterlight]

One thing I notice in this thread seems to be a conflation of "gracious" with "polite."

Yes, it's gracious for a host/ess to suck it up and treat uninvited guests as though they were invited.  But it's not "not polite" not to do so, and sometimes, it isn't possible or practical.  If that's the case, the host/ess is not being "ungracious" to not admit uninvited guests.

This. I have 4 chairs, so if I have a dinner for 4 there's nowhere for uninvited guests to sit but the floor. I also have only 4 plates, cups, etc, so I'd have no way to feed them.

[VorFemme]

One thing I notice in this thread seems to be a conflation of "gracious" with "polite."

Yes, it's gracious for a host/ess to suck it up and treat uninvited guests as though they were invited.  But it's not "not polite" not to do so, and sometimes, it isn't possible or practical.  If that's the case, the host/ess is not being "ungracious" to not admit uninvited guests.

This. I have 4 chairs, so if I have a dinner for 4 there's nowhere for uninvited guests to sit but the floor. I also have only 4 plates, cups, etc, so I'd have no way to feed them.

I still remember my new BIL and his fiancee showing up with VorGuy's sister in tow - four chairs, four matching plates & silverware, and a dinner that was supposed to serve four............

I was very glad that he didn't marry that fiancee (several reasons).  It wasn't the last time that someone brought a tagalong, so the practice in being gracious came in handy. 

But it did demonstrate to VorGuy that we did need more place settings and a larger table - even if we did have to wait until after we got out of college! 

[Danismom]

It sounds like you've already handled it well.  My thought before your update was to tell Brenda and Mark that you were having a party but were having to limit the guest list "out of necessity" (without stating the necessity was that you didn't want certain people there).  Then go on to say that you realize in the past your parties have welcomed anyone and everyone but that going forward, you'd need to only have the guests YOU sent invitations to come to the party.  You would unfortunately be unable to host anyone beyond your prepared guest list. 

I was thinking along those lines to keep from pointing out her past rudeness but also lay out your expectations for the future.

[TychaBrahe]

I would avoid giving reasons like "I need to know for planning purposes" because they may say things like "oh, that's fine, they'll bring their own wine" or whatever.

I think I'd just give Brenda/Mike a call or sit them down and say, "Last time that we had a party, you brought along Elaine and Adam.  We didn't invite Elaine and Adam and we were not happy that you brought them along anyway.  We need you to respect the fact that we get to decide who is invited to our events.  We love having you along but please don't invite along extra people again."

Very true and Elaine and Adam did bring something along with them when they came to our party, which was nice. Would it be appropriate to ask Brenda and Mike not to even mention the party to Elaine or Adam? This is the conversation I can imagine taking place:

Elaine: What are you guys doing tonight?
Brenda: Oh, PoliteTeacher is having a party that we're going to.
Elaine: I didn't know she's having a party.
Brenda: Yeah, I would have you tag along but she told me she didn't want you there.

Brenda is honest. To a fault, at times. 

There's honest and then there's tactless.