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Please help me not create a scene *non-exciting update p14*

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Namárië:
So, long story short, I was dumped about 6 months ago, and I am still hung up over it. Enough that I know that I am unable to react like a reasonable adult with my exBF. As soon as I realized this, (about 5 months ago) I requested that he avoid my presence and not speak to me anymore. So far this has worked out quite well, and I have started d@ting someone else (New Fella).

There is an upcoming debut concert for a good friend, who is also friends with exBF and New Fella. Both exBF and New Fella are going to this show. I was also planning on going, to support my good friend.

But I am torn. What do I do if exBF approaches me? The Cut Direct? That would be so awkward.  :-\ What if New Fella walks over to a group of my friends, and exBF is part of that group? Ugh. I am pretty sure I would make a fool of myself by saying something horrible and immature. Do I not engage in any PDAs because exBF will be there? Does anyone have any advice? Am I totally overthinking this?

Virg:
Firstly, take a relaxing breath or three.  Next, talk to New Fella about this, and discuss what you'll need not to make a scene.  If he's aware, he's less likely to cause inadvertent dismay (like by approaching a group that includes your ExBF).  Ask him to run interference, and if you're cornered in a situation (or if ExBF approaches you directly), simply say that you don't wish to discuss it (no matter how much you do wish to discuss it) and leave the vicinity.  With New Fella to help out, you should be able to enjoy the show without blowing up.

As to PDAs, you don't need to avoid appropriate PDAs but don't do anything that you wouldn't do if ExBF wasn't there, just because he is.

Virg

bah12:
It kind of sounds like you're not yet ready to be dating other people...at least not seriously, and now that I think about it you never said New Fella was a serious thing, so that may be a bad way to start.

I do think you recongnize that it is time to move on and that will be impossible if you let yourself get so worked up...even to the point where you ask your ex to avoid you.

If your ex approaches you and New Fella, then say hello, introduce them and tell him that you hope he enjoys the show.

If New Fella approaches your ex and his friends...same thing. And as far as PDA goes, do whatever is appropriate for the venue and normal for you and New Fella and don't worry about your ex.  

In other words, act normally and everything will be fine.  And yes, you are overthinking this.  Once you get through this evening with your ex and New Fella, it will be easier on you if/when you run into him in the future.  It's an important healing step, so that's the good news :)

WillyNilly:
I think you need to just bow out of this event.  Not even so much so you don't make a scene, but so you don't hurt NF's feelings - you reacting strongly to exBF while out with NF will surely make him feel about 1/2 an inch high.  

If you do go, I would say hold your head high, engage in as much PDA as you would normally with NF an d wear a rubber band around your wrist (2 if you'll be tempted to use it in your hair!)  If you find yourself near exBF graciously excuse yourself to the restroom, or the concession stand, or the t-shirt booth - basically get outta dodge!  And if you find yourself stuck for any amount of time near him, start snapping that rubberband and remember any nasty comments you make will hurt you [socially] in the long run and associate that pain on your wrist with that thought.  And then only allow yourself to stop physically hurting yourself (the rubberband) once you are ready to not socially hurt yourself (making a scene).

If you do go, also have a few discreet chats with some mutual friends who will also be there in advance so they can help you with your damage control - if they see you approaching distress they can say "oh I have to go to the restroom - come with me!" and have them drag you away.

bah12:

--- Quote from: Virg on July 22, 2010, 03:33:23 PM ---Firstly, take a relaxing breath or three.  Next, talk to New Fella about this, and discuss what you'll need not to make a scene.  If he's aware, he's less likely to cause inadvertent dismay (like by approaching a group that includes your ExBF).  Ask him to run interference, and if you're cornered in a situation (or if ExBF approaches you directly), simply say that you don't wish to discuss it (no matter how much you do wish to discuss it) and leave the vicinity.  With New Fella to help out, you should be able to enjoy the show without blowing up.

As to PDAs, you don't need to avoid appropriate PDAs but don't do anything that you wouldn't do if ExBF wasn't there, just because he is.

Virg

--- End quote ---

You know, I thought about this too, but if I was in New Fella's postition, I would be uncomfortable running interference for my date's ex.  That's a big way to communicate that she's not over him (which is true) and would make me feel awkward and second-rate. If she needs to enlist her date's help to not make a scene with her ex, then maybe it's not a good idea for her to be dating this guy just yet.

Hopefully, she can work this out on her own.

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