My kid didn't party in your house update p. 10

[Slartibartfast]

I think you really ought to pull out the "mama bear" card:

"My daughter is horribly upset about being accused of this.  She doesn't drink and her friends don't drink; it's a point of pride with them.  We also scrutinized and verified everywhere she was that week, and we also know she couldn't have done this because X, Y, and Z people verified she was there and could not have left during the night.  Are you sure you never gave a key to a neighbor who has teens, or your son's friends never made a copy of his key with or without his knowledge?  You don't have a key hidden in a fake rock near the door?  Anyway, it is terribly insulting for you to blame this on DD with no proof it was her - despite her having a perfect alibi - and she will not be coming in to work until she gets an apology from you.  If you are unable to apologize for your accusation, she'll find another job instead."

[sammycat]

I think you really ought to pull out the "mama bear" card:

"My daughter is horribly upset about being accused of this.  She doesn't drink and her friends don't drink; it's a point of pride with them.  We also scrutinized and verified everywhere she was that week, and we also know she couldn't have done this because X, Y, and Z people verified she was there and could not have left during the night.  Are you sure you never gave a key to a neighbor who has teens, or your son's friends never made a copy of his key with or without his knowledge?  You don't have a key hidden in a fake rock near the door?  Anyway, it is terribly insulting for you to blame this on DD with no proof it was her - despite her having a perfect alibi - and she will not be coming in to work until she gets an apology from you.  If you are unable to apologize for your accusation, she'll find another job instead."

What she said.

Balletmom, is the brother you call Pinhead?

[immadz]

I think you really ought to pull out the "mama bear" card:

"My daughter is horribly upset about being accused of this.  She doesn't drink and her friends don't drink; it's a point of pride with them.  We also scrutinized and verified everywhere she was that week, and we also know she couldn't have done this because X, Y, and Z people verified she was there and could not have left during the night.  Are you sure you never gave a key to a neighbor who has teens, or your son's friends never made a copy of his key with or without his knowledge?  You don't have a key hidden in a fake rock near the door?  Anyway, it is terribly insulting for you to blame this on DD with no proof it was her - despite her having a perfect alibi - and she will not be coming in to work until she gets an apology from you.  If you are unable to apologize for your accusation, she'll find another job instead."

Pod. I think this is a time when you really have to stand up for and stand by your daughter.

[PeterM]

I realize it's easy to be angry and insulted, but what can you honestly expect but for him not to believe you? He may absolutely be in the wrong, but if it comes down to believing his child or someone else's... can you blame him?

Yes, I can, because he's criticizing Balletmom for trusting her own kid. There are ways he could have expressed his opinion that would have left me agreeing with your sympathy towards him. Saying his sister is in denial does not engender sympathy. "I trust my kid, but you shouldn't trust yours." So yes, I can blame him for how he's expressing himself if not for how he feels.

[Shores]

I realize it's easy to be angry and insulted, but what can you honestly expect but for him not to believe you? He may absolutely be in the wrong, but if it comes down to believing his child or someone else's... can you blame him?

Yes, I can, because he's criticizing Balletmom for trusting her own kid. There are ways he could have expressed his opinion that would have left me agreeing with your sympathy towards him. Saying his sister is in denial does not engender sympathy. "I trust my kid, but you shouldn't trust yours." So yes, I can blame him for how he's expressing himself if not for how he feels.

But is it not the OP's contention that her brother must be in denial about whether or not his kid gave someone else a key? We really haven't heard anything that the brother has said, so it's hard to judge. The OP said "its obvious he thinks we're in denial" and later "of course he just thought we were in denial", but how did he express that? Those are both paraphrases.

I'm just saying, I feel bad for both parents, the OP and her brother. More so for the brother because his home has been violated. I'm sure all the adult parties could have handled it better, but I hope they can just move past it.

[Scuba_Dog]

I think this calls for a face to face meeting.  Sometimes being able to look eye to eye with someone while they explain the reasons it was impossible for them to have been the offender makes the difference.

I would try to do it before ODD goes to work tomorrow.

I also would *not* encourage her to quit her job.  Why should she? She did nothing wrong, she shouldn't have to lose her summer income because your brother is being a pinhead.  Tell her to go into work, with her head held high, knowing she did nothing wrong. 

I'm sure it's only a matter of time until your DB figures out who was in his house (kids can't keep their mouths shut.)  When that happens, he will owe you all an apology, your ODD will still have a summer job and she will look quite courageous and mature for sticking with the position, even after being falsely accused.

[KenveeB]

I realize it's easy to be angry and insulted, but what can you honestly expect but for him not to believe you? He may absolutely be in the wrong, but if it comes down to believing his child or someone else's... can you blame him?

Yes.  I blame anyone who accuses another person without proof and ignores actual evidence that the person is innocent.  And it's not like the only possible options are "Balletdaughter did it" or "Brother's kids did it."  Has he really never given a key to anyone?  Not a single neighbor to feed the cat or check in over vacation?  It's possible for one of those persons to have been careless with a key.  And there's nothing in the OP that says the invader absolutely had to have a key.  It was just Balletmom's guess that someone had a key, but could the lock have been picked, or a window left open? 

[Balletmom]

Thank you all for the thoughtful input. No, this isn't Pinhead--based on his past responses, it would never go well.

What made me angry wasn't that my brother thought it might be ODD, it was that after I told him we'd accounted for her every minute and where the key was, and confirmed it with other parents, he still didn't believe it wasn't her. The liquor was missing from a place I doubt DD would have known to look (the freezer.) There was a cosmetic facial wipe left and DD doesn't use those. Still, the fact is that we made a complete timeline of her where abouts and confirmed it, and that wasn't believed.

He basically ended with the "Well, I'm not angry anymore."

Also, I did call and tell him Friday it looked like someone had been in the house.

I agree she should finish up her last two weeks of work. That way, we don't have to bring my father into the picture and make it even worse.

I think Brother adheres to the "It had to be you, so, if you're lying, I understand, I'm not mad anymore." Whereas in our family, it's very much "Integrity is essential, so lying or being accused of it is a big deal."

[kckgirl]

Have you tried suggesting that your brother call the police? The fact remains that persons unknown were in his house, stole his property, and left a mess.

[Suze]

oh so your brother has "forgiven" your daughter for her "party" that she didn't have

how - lovely - of him. (and yes that is a snark)

if he can't prove she did it he can't forgive her for it.

[immadz]

How sweet that he forgave her for something she didn't do. It might be a while before she forgives him for his malicious accusations though.

[Amava]

He doesn't need to forgive, he needs to apologise! 

[Hanna]

I'd encourage her to not let this interfere with work.
But if I were her, he would get no more than icy polite and professional conversation out of me.  I would say nothing more than "I'm incensed that you are calling my integrity into question. I have nothing more to say to you about the matter."

No doubt the truth will out.

[Balletmom]

He could call the police but since there's no sign of breaking and entering and nothing missing but his vodka, he wouldn't get much help there.

The partiers tried to leave the house clean, which is kind of funny. They remade the bed and put the party popper they popped, in the trash. They moved the furniture around (?) and left behind plastic cups, a used cosmetic wipe, a cell phone charger, chips crumbs, and an empty vodka bottle.

I asked DD today as a follow up test, "Where would you find alcohol in someone's house? " Answer: "I don't drink, so I wouldn't know." Me: "Where would you go if you did drink?" Her: "In the fridge, I guess. (where DH and I keep the beer/wine.) Me: "But what about vodka or tequila? Where would that be?" Her (pause..) "In the cabinet, I guess?

The fact that the vodka was missing from the freezer to me says that it's someone who knew to look there, but that's just a supposition.

Of course, one could say she was just acting, but I know her pretty well. She'll lie about cleaning her room completely or wearing her sister's jeans, but she's not good at it. And if I call her on it, she admits pretty quickly.

She said she'll think about going to work, but she hates her uncle now for thinking that of her when she has never acted that way before.

He hasn't come by to pick up the keys (I did make it clear that since he was planning on changing the locks, there was no need to pick them up.) and he hasn't said anything about paying younger DD for her work. We'd refuse the money, anyway, as a matter of principle, but if he doesn't at least offer, he's going to ruin the relationship with younger DD.

Older DD is more people-friendly and empathetic; Younger DD is much more objective and zero tolerance. She will shrug it off.

The ironic thing is, Brother is extremely protective of his oldest daughter, who just graduated college. Maybe in some weird way, he thinks we're just being the same way about DD.

All the same, he's going into the same category as Pinhead.

[TootsNYC]

The fact that the vodka was missing from the freezer to me says that it's someone who knew to look there, but that's just a supposition.

To me, that only says that someone opened the freezer door. Which I would expect a group of kids to do, just on general snoopiness. And to see if there is ice cream they could eat.