All I can say is I'm very sorry this whole incident has ruined your family's rel@tionship with your brother. Thanks Ed. I am not sure my brother fully understands or appreciates the extent to which both of my daughters will feel angry about him in the future. [...] My only e-hell question at this point is whether or not it's appropriate to pursue the matter furhter with my brother
I really wanted to address this because some earlier posters have spoken about how they could understand your brother's reticence to believe ODD's innocence even with proof and how it'd be unfortunate to allow this to end the rel@tionship whole sale. I want to make it clear that I am not
trying to call these posters out, I just want to offer an alternate perspective that deals directly with what they're saying. I've been reading ehell for about a year now and have been a member since October. I also read a lot of archives because I have a job with a lot of downtime and no 'net policy.
You've written about the Balletgirls a lot, both separately and together, in a variety of situations, enough that there's a pretty consistent picture of how they behave/what behavior you'd accept from them. Unless you're lying, unintentionally or otherwise, or completely in denial about who your own daughters are (I find either of these options highly unlikely) there's a history here to rely on. /Disclaimer-y Explanation
From the picture you've painted I can see how ODD must be (probably quietly) furious and embarrassed that her uncle, who sees her often, would not just think of her this way but be unwilling to admit he misjudged once you'd done your due diligence (plus some) in independent verification. I also see why you would do such a thorough job in verifying: 1. For Dorkface, to show him that ODD wasn't involved. 2. Because honesty and integrity are such important qualities in your household (I'm just guessing that your dysfunctional family has lying issues) you wanted to reassure ODD you would get to the truth and defend her if/when the truth backs up her honesty. (Please, correct me if I'm wrong.) It's not about having more and more evidence you can shove in your brother's face but about reinforcing your values.
And then what her Uncle taught her is that even if you're willing to look at things objectively and understand why others might make an accusation, even if you're honest, and even the evidence shows that you're telling the truth it won't matter
. And that's the antithesis of every value about honestly she has/your family has. If it were a (non-related) boss or a clerk at a store it'd be bad enough, for it to be an uncle she sees regularly it is a betrayal and violation that goes far past just doubting whether you (Balletparents) had the full story. It's telling her that her values don't matter to him at all. And when you learn someone doesn't respect your values and will act as if you don't even have those values it's not the sort of thing a rel@tionship recovers from. Dorkface doesn't see this. Then to add insult to injury he's "punishing" (by not paying) YDD under the guise of her not fulfilling her responsibilities at house-sitting when people here have pointed out exactly why that isn't true. YDD's black/white world view isn't even that much of a factor. Dorkface is being hypocritical, which is also the root of the problem with ODD, and doubting YDD's integrity (to follow up on what she agreed to when accepting the position) which, hey, is also at the root of the problem with ODD. On its own it might be okay, if YDD weren't so black/white, but together it just shows how Dorkface sees your DDs and the picture ain't pretty.
And now he's going to go along as if nothing ever happened.
For that reason I think it is
appropriate to not let this matter rest quite yet with Dorkface. Namely, if the Balletgirls give him the cut-direct (or, as close as they can and keep family harmony) he might try to provoke things because he thinks *they're* the ones overreacting. And that would put your DDs in a very awkward (emotionally and etiquette-ly) position, not to mention any bystanders at the time.
So, I think you need to take Dorkface aside later this week and explain to him that you (Balletparents) and the Balletgirls are not uncomfortable with how this situation was resolved. Explain what I wrote above to him (unless I was way off base?) about why this destroyed the Balletgirls trust in him. If he tries to cut off about how ODD might have done it, find a good place to intercept and say "It's no longer about who was in your house. It's about the fact that when you were given proof you wouldn't even give ODD the benefit of the doubt. The Balletgirls are, in our opinion justifiably, worried that spending time around you or your things might led to another accusation you won't believe them about either and they're not willing to risk that at this point. I thought it polite to let you know that this is why the Balletgirls will be acting differently around you and I'm asking you to be gracious about it and leave it, and them, alone."
Normally I wouldn't advocate telling a person you don't want to deal with them again/for the time being but in this case, because he's family and because of prior rel@tionship patterns, I think doing it this way might be less dramalicious in the end than letting Dorkface react in a non-controlled environment. I also wanted to say that I'm sorry Dorkface did this to the Balletgirls and your family in general, ruining the rel@tionship in the process. Often times in dysfunctional families there's a point where you go from being willing to manage the dysfunction because the blowout would be worse than the current situation to deciding the blowout would be worth it after all. It sounds like you found that point with Dorkface.