My kid didn't party in your house update p. 10

[zyrs]

With the cleaning up and the moving the mail it sounds like someone that is comfortable in the house - I would have to ask if his long term girlfriend knows where he keeps the key and the vodka.

[meliboea]

While everyone has offered good advice, I don't think it's fair to blame the brother too much. It was his house that was broken into and it was the OP's daughter who had taken the responsibility for house-sitting while her uncle was gone. The uncle seems to me to have every right to be upset.

When you hire a kid to house sit, you're not hiring a security guard 24/7, especially when you've been dumb enough to "hide" a key outside where anyone could access it.

If you look at it objectively and quite frankly, his kids making a copy of the key and giving it to their friends to party while they're gone seems much more far-fetched to me than one of the nieces either sneaking out or alerting their friends or some other kids in the neighborhood. In the end, the brother does have more ground to stand on considering it was his house and he had his own teenagers with him on the trip.

Nobody needs to copy a key when there's a spare one lurking outside. It's possible that the son could have told his friends about the key or they'd seen him use it before. I was forever locking myself out as teen. I think this is a much more plausible scenario than either daughter throwing the party. For starters, you think they'd do a much better job at cleaning up any evidence.

My advice:

I think Balletmom should speak to the son personally. She should tell him how hurt they all are by the accusations, that the daughters don't even want to go into work, and explain that this may create a permenant schism with his family. Then she should look him straight in the eye and ask him if there's any chance, however small, that any of his friends knew where that spare key was. She doesn't need accuse him of planning the party, she just needs to know if someone else had access to the property while they were away.

[Bethalize]

I think Balletmom should speak to the son personally.

I don't agree with this. I think it's time to get on the high horse and stay there. Disengage from the situation. Finding a resolution isn't your job. All you have to do is to draw your boundary and stay behind it. You took the accusation, you looked at it in detail, you found proof that it was a false accusation and provided that proof to the accuser. You have done more than enough for your part in the situation. All you need from the accuser now is an apology. If it is not forthcoming then they remain at fault and your remain at odds with them. I don't think that's a problem when not only have they randomly accused one of your children of illegal and immoral activity but they have refused to take back the slander when evidence that is false is presented.

If someone won't accept evidence that something is false it's because the truth doesn't fit with how they want the world to be. Therefore it will be nearly impossible to find information that makes them change their world view, so don't even try again. You can't reason with someone who is being irrational.

[Weez]

He basically ended with the "Well, I'm not angry anymore."

He mentioned that he had a key "so well hidden" that no one could find it; he also has a long-term girlfriend he doesn't mention, but whom the office bookkeeper told ODD "Might come by the house."
I told him exactly that and just left it at that.

Is it possible that he's spoken to his girlfriend and found out that she used the hidden key to visit the house?  Could this be why he's happy to drop the issue?  Perhaps he's embarrassed at realising he's falsely accused your daughter and doesn't know how to apologise or, more precisely, doesn't know how to apologise without mentioning the girlfriend that he doesn't mention.  Obviously, that doesn't justify his lack of apology but it may explain it.

[VorFemme]

Sounds like a proactive call to the police to investigate the "break in" might have avoided this drama - as any DNA collected would have been able to tie the party to SOMEONE (or exclude them, like ODD).  Sadly - there might have been even more drama when Dorkface realized who was "guilty" - if it was someone that he didn't want to accuse (like his GF or her kids, if she has teenagers).

Just wondering why he is so sure that it could not have been someone in his social circle instead of a relative - since there is a hidden key, a GF & friends of his kids who might know where it is, and it appears that he really just wants someone else to BLAME for it, instead of looking into what really happened.

[sasha]

Sounds like a proactive call to the police to investigate the "break in" might have avoided this drama - as any DNA collected would have been able to tie the party to SOMEONE (or exclude them, like ODD). 

There's no way the police are going to collect DNA for a break-in where nothing is missing but some vodka. They might not even fingerprint, for that matter, considering that there were no actual signs of a break-in (like a forced door or window).

Sasha

[elephantschild]

Sounds like a proactive call to the police to investigate the "break in" might have avoided this drama - as any DNA collected would have been able to tie the party to SOMEONE (or exclude them, like ODD). 

There's no way the police are going to collect DNA for a break-in where nothing is missing but some vodka. They might not even fingerprint, for that matter, considering that there were no actual signs of a break-in (like a forced door or window).

Sasha

POD. My parents' house was recently broken into (complete with evidence -- a basement window being kicked in) and some alcohol and a ring of my mom's were taken. My folks reported it ... a policeman didn't even show up until the next day. He took a walk around and gave them some advice on securing it. That's about it.

[Shoo]

Make up wipe left behind....vodka missing....use of "secret" key.....mail moved.....attempt at cleanup....

Why the girlfriend wasn't his first suspect is kind of baffling.

[Starchasm]

He basically ended with the "Well, I'm not angry anymore."

He mentioned that he had a key "so well hidden" that no one could find it; he also has a long-term girlfriend he doesn't mention, but whom the office bookkeeper told ODD "Might come by the house."
I told him exactly that and just left it at that.

Is it possible that he's spoken to his girlfriend and found out that she used the hidden key to visit the house?  Could this be why he's happy to drop the issue?  Perhaps he's embarrassed at realising he's falsely accused your daughter and doesn't know how to apologise or, more precisely, doesn't know how to apologise without mentioning the girlfriend that he doesn't mention.  Obviously, that doesn't justify his lack of apology but it may explain it.

This is EXACTLY what I was thinking.

[Hillia]

Or even that some kids found the key that was hidden so well 'no one could find it'.  Just as teenagers get up to things their parents couldn't imagine them doing, people find things all the time that are impossible to find.  Maybe his son found out somehow the key was there and told his friends about it.  Who knows?  The point is that there are at least 2 alternate scenarios to the OP's daughter throwing a wild party, and he should give them as much consideration as he gives to the original accusation.

[Oxymoroness]

I can understand why your so upset at this situation, I would be too.

I do think that DD should go and work to her end date. Mostly because UncleDorkface is not her employer, her grandfather is. So she has an obligation and she should fulfill it. It won't be easy, but it's a good learning opportunity.

However, if she's ever asked to work there again, she should say no and cite why. UncleDorkface falsely accused her with no proof and despite proof to the contrary continued in his accusations. That would make the workplace environment intolerable.

As for UncleDorkface, I'd give him the cut direct, but I'd tell him why. He was disrespectful to you and your family. By refusing to believe the proof that you obtained, he's in effect, calling you a liar. Neither DD will be doing any favors for him, or work for him until he apologizes in writing to you and your DD.

[Evil Duckie]

It seems to me that Brother wants to blame someone who is not regularly at this house because he does not want to deal with the fall out if he has to deal with those who are regularly in his house for this.

He choice ODD because she was handy to blame and more mobile than YDD and this way he doesn't have to admit that his gf or neighbors were in his house without his permission.

He isn't thinking about his future rel@tionship with your DDs, only not having to deal with gf or neighbors about this.

Yes, it is sad that he is willing to sacrifice his rel@tionship with you and your DDs over this. He probably thinks that you and your DDs are family so all will forgiven and forgotten with everything will be back to normal soon.

[wheeitsme]

I'm sorry.

It's sad that your brother doesn't see right now how badly and probably irrevocably he has damaged his relationship with both you and his nieces.  Not just in the present, but for a long time to come.  Possibly forever.  This isn't something you forget and gloss over.

[Surianne]

I do think that DD should go and work to her end date. Mostly because UncleDorkface is not her employer, her grandfather is. So she has an obligation and she should fulfill it. It won't be easy, but it's a good learning opportunity.

I completely agree with this.  It seems very unprofessional to me to quit a job over this--it's a personal issue, and doesn't have anything to do with her actual employer.  Does she want a good reference for future jobs?  If so, I think it's important to keep working there. 

There's no evidence that her uncle will make her workplace uncomfortable because of this.  If he does, I'd say it merits further consideration, but until then why shouldn't she go into work? 

[Balletmom]

Update:

I think that the likely culprits are acquaintances of nephew or possibly just other kids in the neighborhood. Apparently you can get info on how to pick locks just by going on Google; and an older house like Brother's with no alarm system is easy pickings. So Nephew wouldn't have known about it or condoned it, but someone who knew he'd be on vacation with his dad could have taken advantage of the situation.

DD says that sooner or later it will come out who did it, in the school gossip network but not for awhile. She's not as upset as I am because she's taking it as "I know the truth."

I agree with everyone who said that there's no use trying to convince someone who's already made up his mind. I texted my brother that since he felt that way we would just have to call it quits. DD will call her grandfather later and quit. She's just going to use dance team as a reason so it doesn't become a big family feud; the last thing I want is my father deciding she must have done it, as well.

The office manager doesn't remember talking about it to ODD, but she might just be saying that to get out of being in the middle. DD said it was an off hand comment along the lines of "Someone will probably be checking on his house" when the subject of Brother being on vacation or out of the office was discussed. So I'm sure that Brother has probably told Office Manager that she did this.

My brother then said he still needed to drop off payment for YDD but I told him we could not accept it. As long as he feels ODD was responsible then we cannot accept payment. We will take care of paying YDD ourselves. He's saying we were negligent in supervising his house key; ODD partied in his house; and we're in denial about accepting or admitting that. So there's no way we could accept a money from him. He's calling us liars and ODD a thief and a liar.

DH feels very strongly under the circumstances DD shouldn't have to interact with him. This was her last three days of work anyway. It's unfortunate but I don't have enough arguments. I doubt they'll give her poor references; they do work for my father.

I think he really thinks that we should just accept that ODD must have done this and he's not mad anymore, so hey, it's fine now.  I'm not sure he gets that he just cut himself off from his two nieces.  Ironically, if the situation had been reversed, he would have been furious (if it had been his older daughter.)

He didn't text back that he didn't think that or say he had changed his mind, so he's sticking to his belief. There's absolutely nothing I can do about that.

The whole thing about the longtime girlfriend is weird. My parents have met her at one of Nephew's sports events, but that's it. He never mentions her, never talks about her, he's so extremely secretive about it that it's odd. It's his business, but she does stay over the weekend, his house is on a main route so it's not like we're spying. We don't care. If you want to make her She Who Must Not Be Named, it's your business. The only reason I believe he might not be entirely forthcoming about whether she had a key or not was that he didn't seem that freaked out when I texted him "looks like someone has been in your house." You would think he would have said, "please go back and check the house thoroughly" but he didn't.

I can only control how we will interact in the future, which will be as limited as possible on our part.