My kid didn't party in your house update p. 10

[evely28]

I think you should re-think the money aspect. In the example you gave it was a case of treating someone badly and then giving a gift. I too would have refused it. In this case your daughter performed a service and deserves to be paid. I think making your brother acknowledge the fact that your daughter did something for him which he owes is better than him sweeping everything under the carpet. Maybe after paying what he owes, it will be easier for him to also understand he owes both you and your daughter an apology. Don't let him off the hook easily.

[Surianne]

I'm not sure he gets that he just cut himself off from his two nieces.  

Has he?  It sounds like the daughters aren't that upset about this, and it's you and your DH who are doing the cutting ("DH feels very strongly under the circumstances DD shouldn't have to interact with him"; "DD says that sooner or later it will come out who did it, in the school gossip network but not for awhile. She's not as upset as I am").  Or am I misinterpreting?

[deadbody]

As someone who no longer sees an entire side of his family because of decisions that my parents made, please defer to your children about this one.

If they are terribly bothered by this distrust, let them make the decision to cut contact.  Your ODD is old enough to drive, she is old enough to make this decision. 

There may be underlying issues there, but this doesn't really seem like a hill to be worth dying on.

[KenveeB]

Sounds like a proactive call to the police to investigate the "break in" might have avoided this drama - as any DNA collected would have been able to tie the party to SOMEONE (or exclude them, like ODD). 

There's no way the police are going to collect DNA for a break-in where nothing is missing but some vodka. They might not even fingerprint, for that matter, considering that there were no actual signs of a break-in (like a forced door or window).

Sasha

Not to mention that the nieces have been at the house legitimately -- DNA or fingerprints would only be useful in connecting a stranger who had no reason to be at the house.  If it was some of his son's friends, who presumably would've been at the house legitimately at some point, then that would be completely useless.  DNA is not nearly the magic solution people tend to think it is. (Darned CSI!)

[sasha]

Not to mention that the nieces have been at the house legitimately -- DNA or fingerprints would only be useful in connecting a stranger who had no reason to be at the house. 

Yeah, and even then it would have to be someone whose fingerprints/DNA was already on file.

Sasha

[Balletmom]

When I said DD wasn't as upset, I'm not saying she wasn't upset at all. She said she hates her uncle now and despises him. She's very happy we are standing up for her and was the one who said, "I'm not going back to work for him after he thought that." (I was arguing for her to go in since she's innocent.)

I don't want to distance myself from my brother, but I can't condone what he said.

If you're calling my child a liar and a thief, despite evidence to the contrary by two non-family members (the other parents who vouched for her whereabouts) then that is a hill worth dying on.

ODD has not been in the house this year at all and didn't even remember it doesn't have an alarm system. When she had this job last summer, we didn't go in the house at all, just the garage.

[Surianne]

Thanks for the clarification, Balletmom.  I was worried it was a situation like deadbody's, where the parents cut off family ties when the child doesn't really want to (something similar happened in my family).  I'm glad to hear it's her decision 

[ShadesOfGrey]

When I said DD wasn't as upset, I'm not saying she wasn't upset at all. She said she hates her uncle now and despises him. She's very happy we are standing up for her and was the one who said, "I'm not going back to work for him after he thought that." (I was arguing for her to go in since she's innocent.)

Personally, I would be on her about this - it's a very unprofessional attitude, she's allowing personal disputes to affect her professionalism.  *That's* a huge lesson to learn (I think it was you who posted about how to make this more like a "real" job for her, right?)  This is one major, glaring opportunity to do that.  She may not want to work for him, but sometimes, we have to do things we dont want to do in a professional setting, kwim?  I understand your DD's perspective (I would be furious too), but I really encourage you to let her use this as a "rise above" opportunity, as is so often necessary in a professional setting.  Good luck.  I'm sorry this is ongoing for you. 

[katarain]

I think you should re-think the money aspect. In the example you gave it was a case of treating someone badly and then giving a gift. I too would have refused it. In this case your daughter performed a service and deserves to be paid. I think making your brother acknowledge the fact that your daughter did something for him which he owes is better than him sweeping everything under the carpet. Maybe after paying what he owes, it will be easier for him to also understand he owes both you and your daughter an apology. Don't let him off the hook easily.

I wanted to point this out, too.  I totally understand not accepting a gift from someone who has insulted you.  If, however, your boss insults you, you may quit your job, but you don't refuse your last paycheck.  Why would you work for free for anyone--especially for someone who has insulted you or a member of your family?

[Surianne]

When I said DD wasn't as upset, I'm not saying she wasn't upset at all. She said she hates her uncle now and despises him. She's very happy we are standing up for her and was the one who said, "I'm not going back to work for him after he thought that." (I was arguing for her to go in since she's innocent.)

Personally, I would be on her about this - it's a very unprofessional attitude, she's allowing personal disputes to affect her professionalism.  *That's* a huge lesson to learn (I think it was you who posted about how to make this more like a "real" job for her, right?)  This is one major, glaring opportunity to do that.  She may not want to work for him, but sometimes, we have to do things we dont want to do in a professional setting, kwim?  I understand your DD's perspective (I would be furious too), but I really encourage you to let her use this as a "rise above" opportunity, as is so often necessary in a professional setting.  Good luck.  I'm sorry this is ongoing for you. 

I do agree with this (I said something similar earlier but not as eloquently).

(Sorry if I'm sounding harsh on you, Balletmom--I agree it's a horrible situation and as a "good kid" in high school, like your daughter, I'd have been pretty insulted and upset, too.)

[Balletmom]

I think it's asking a bit much of her to expect her to interact for three days with someone who's openly accused her of breaking into his house, drinking his booze, and ahem, being in his bedroom and bed. I wouldn't keep working for someone who accused me of that, either.

As for taking the money for YDD's house sitting, he's saying that we were negligent in letting ODD get to the key. So no, I don't want his money. I know it's a bit Pride and Prejudice sounding, but it's just how we are. Brother, on the other hand, has a very different view about being called a liar or issues of deception. It's what ended his marriage.

[stargazer]

I think it's asking a bit much of her to expect her to interact for three days with someone who's openly accused her of breaking into his house, drinking his booze, and ahem, being in his bedroom and bed. I wouldn't keep working for someone who accused me of that, either.

I agree.  I wouldn't work for someone like that either.  Even (especially) if it's family.

[VorFemme]

Not to mention that the nieces have been at the house legitimately -- DNA or fingerprints would only be useful in connecting a stranger who had no reason to be at the house. 

Yeah, and even then it would have to be someone whose fingerprints/DNA was already on file.

Sasha

I was thinking along the lines of "the DNA on the vodka shows as female but NO relation to our family" to either get him thinking along the lines of who else it might have been or to see if someone started saying things like "well, I didn't drink ALL the vodka" when only liquor was mentioned.........let the guilty consciences start making excuses as to why their finger prints, DNA, and makeup were on the scene......

I've seen that Happen!

[evely28]

I think it's asking a bit much of her to expect her to interact for three days with someone who's openly accused her of breaking into his house, drinking his booze, and ahem, being in his bedroom and bed. I wouldn't keep working for someone who accused me of that, either.

As for taking the money for YDD's house sitting, he's saying that we were negligent in letting ODD get to the key. So no, I don't want his money. I know it's a bit Pride and Prejudice sounding, but it's just how we are. Brother, on the other hand, has a very different view about being called a liar or issues of deception. It's what ended his marriage.

I didn't realize the scope of his accusations. I think she's doing the right thing in not being around him. It seems like he wants to easily attach a face to the transgression which is unfortunately your daughter's, instead of taking a second look at his girl friend or a neighbor kid. I don't think he's being smart in focusing on "the key". Many homes can be entered with a little piece of card board or a credit card.

[ShadesOfGrey]

I think it's asking a bit much of her to expect her to interact for three days with someone who's openly accused her of breaking into his house, drinking his booze, and ahem, being in his bedroom and bed. I wouldn't keep working for someone who accused me of that, either.

I absolutely understand quitting over principle, and I admire your DD's principled approach.  In that case, I think *she* needs to quit, and take her resignation to her boss.  If she's old enough and mature enough to have those feelings, and you feel she's justified, then she's got to be old enough and mature enough to follow through on them herself, and be justified in those actions.  Relying on you to quit for her is neither professional nor productive in this case.