Rude vs. Annoying

[cass2591]

I think it matters if the OP is asking for advice as to how to deal with the annoyance without being rude, as opposed to just venting about how rude something/someone else is but is powerless to change it.

Yes, or when the answers and advices make it clear that the OP is not powerless, when actually some sound advice is given, but every advice gets immediately shot down and it becomes clear that the OP is not *willing* to change the situation, just wanting to complain.

The mods appreciate it when those threads are reported, because there's no point to them and are really annoying, if you will.

[cass2591]

 I'm thinking of a Miss Manners letter form unknown time ago, about the time it took to "get sorted" after paying.  The LW had been sniped at for being too slow. While MM agree it was rude to snip she also told the LW an actual minute is too long do try to be faster.  I think there is a gray area
using that letter as an example 5 minutes to sort your coupons , balance your checkbook and resort you credit cards is rude a minute to record a check , put cap on pen , put pen in pen section of purse , zip, put checkbook back in it's section, zip that section, put DL back in slot, zip wallet , snap wallet , put wallet in purse, zip purse is annoying not rude but it's still polite to try to not be annoying.

So I think am I being annoying /do I have any reason to be annoyed? does have a place here.  I'd want to know if my not rude behavior was annoying 90% of the population, I also want to know if I'm annoying by something 90% of the population does/is not bothered by.   Etiquette is always evolving today's annoying might become tomorrows rude.

I think that taking 5 minutes to do what you describe (I'm assuming when someone is checking out and others are behind this person) is rude. No reason that those things can't be done at an empty check out aisle, etc. Holding up others in order to straighten out your belongings is SS behavior.

[Merry Mrs Martin]

 I'm thinking of a Miss Manners letter form unknown time ago, about the time it took to "get sorted" after paying.  The LW had been sniped at for being too slow. While MM agree it was rude to snip she also told the LW an actual minute is too long do try to be faster.  I think there is a gray area
using that letter as an example 5 minutes to sort your coupons , balance your checkbook and resort you credit cards is rude a minute to record a check , put cap on pen , put pen in pen section of purse , zip, put checkbook back in it's section, zip that section, put DL back in slot, zip wallet , snap wallet , put wallet in purse, zip purse is annoying not rude but it's still polite to try to not be annoying.

So I think am I being annoying /do I have any reason to be annoyed? does have a place here.  I'd want to know if my not rude behavior was annoying 90% of the population, I also want to know if I'm annoying by something 90% of the population does/is not bothered by.   Etiquette is always evolving today's annoying might become tomorrows rude.

I think that taking 5 minutes to do what you describe (I'm assuming when someone is checking out and others are behind this person) is rude. No reason that those things can't be done at an empty check out aisle, etc. Holding up others in order to straighten out your belongings is SS behavior.

Finding an example of annoying but not rude is easier said then done.

[cass2591]

I guess it depends on one's tolerance for annoyance. I, for one, am easily annoyed and yet I'm aware that what may annoy me isn't necessarily rude.

I can give you a lot of examples of what annoys me, but may not annoy someone else. Frankly, I encounter annoyances far more often than rudeness. But that's just me.

[jimithing]

I guess it depends on one's tolerance for annoyance. I, for one, am easily annoyed and yet I'm aware that what may annoy me isn't necessarily rude.

I can give you a lot of examples of what annoys me, but may not annoy someone else. Frankly, I encounter annoyances far more often than rudeness. But that's just me.

An example I gave in a recent thread was having a pet "sign" a card. I think it's cutesy and it's annoying, but I don't really feel it's rude.

[Aeris]

I guess it depends on one's tolerance for annoyance. I, for one, am easily annoyed and yet I'm aware that what may annoy me isn't necessarily rude.

I can give you a lot of examples of what annoys me, but may not annoy someone else. Frankly, I encounter annoyances far more often than rudeness. But that's just me.

Ha! You and me both. I have a pet peeve list a mile long, but I'm well aware that the vast majority of it is definitely not categorically rude behavior.

[cass2591]

I roll my eyes a lot, only not where I can be seen. That would be rude.

[kareng57]

I know what you're saying, but I don't think there will ever be any consensus on it.

Let's say that there's a scale of 1 - 5.  Someone posts here about the propriety of using a particular term (this is hypothetical), and the replies are along the lines of:

1.  Fine with me, what's the problem?
2.  Mildly annoying but I know lot of people use it so I wouldn't call anyone on it.
3.  Very irritating but I still wouldn't say anything.
4.  Rude and I'd have no hesitation in letting them know about it.
5.  Terribly offensive and I would cut off contact with anyone who used it.

Obviously the background could be cultural/regional but that's not really an answer.

[MadMadge43]

It is all subjective. I mean why is it rude to put your elbows on the table, but not take up people's time while you fuss with something or don't pay attention?

[jimithing]

It is all subjective. I mean why is it rude to put your elbows on the table, but not take up people's time while you fuss with something or don't pay attention?

I disagree to a point. We do have well established norms and rules in etiquette. Sometimes, they become outdated, or etiquette mavens disagree, but I do think there is a standarized set of etiquette rules.

[Bob Ducca]

It is all subjective. I mean why is it rude to put your elbows on the table, but not take up people's time while you fuss with something or don't pay attention?

I disagree to a point. We do have well established norms and rules in etiquette. Sometimes, they become outdated, or etiquette mavens disagree, but I do think there is a standarized set of etiquette rules.

Additionally, there seems to be disagreement on the board of what "rude" actually is.  For some (myself included), "rude" is anything that contradicts etiquette.  For others, "rude" is a highly pejorative and even insulting term that they are reluctant to apply except in the most extreme circumstances.  So they may call "rude" behavior "annoying" or some other term because they don't use "rude" except when they feel it is justified, making it very subjective.

I agree that threads that transparently complain about annoyances without addressing etiquette or constructive suggestions are rants, absolutely.

[MadMadge43]

For others, "rude" is a highly pejorative and even insulting term that they are reluctant to apply except in the most extreme circumstances.  So they may call "rude" behavior "annoying" or some other term because they don't use "rude" except when they feel it is justified, making it very subjective.

I sometimes feel exactly this when reading posts. And that's why people come up with "what if's" to justify things, instead of just taking a post at face value. (there are of course there are times you should point out possible explanations but some of them are pure conjecture)

[Midnight Kitty]

I posted after my FIL passed and my BIL's behavior bothered me.  In my mind, his actions were clearly disrespectful to both his father and his brothers.  Other posters replied with some different points of view and, all of a sudden, I understood and was "over it."  Maybe my initial post included a smidgen of venting, but the positive input made it a mind-expanding experience for which I am grateful.  Now I don't have bad feelings when I think back to those dark days after FIL died and before the funeral when BIL was wearing FIL's clothes, which were not black.  Because some people on this forum helped me see things from another perspective, I realize that wearing FIL's clothes was a way for BIL to feel close to him.  Wearing black isn't required, any more than waiting a year after your spouse dies to date.  Different people grieve in different ways.

This is just one example of someone (me ;-) who sort of posted to vent, but benefited from the camaraderie of the forum and learned an etiquette lesson.

[LifeOnPluto]

I actually think the rude v annoying threads are some of the most interesting on these forums! As PPs have said, there is often some overlap between the two. Debating that degree of overlap is interesting, given that posters come from diverse backgrounds and regions - hence the difference in opinions.

On a similar note are the rude v hurtful posts (eg "What if I invite 6 out of 10 co-workers to a BBQ" type of thing) and rude v tacky posts (eg "The bride wore a dress with a very low back that exposed her huge skull and cross-bones tattoo!" kind of thing) I find some of those fascinating too! 

[ydpubs]

Well, here is one example of annoying but not rude. My DH's really loud snoring is at times very annoying.