Author Topic: s/o of Gift Giving - Is it SS to want a gift?  (Read 3943 times)

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bopper

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Re: s/o of Gift Giving - Is it SS to want a gift?
« Reply #15 on: August 04, 2010, 02:20:39 PM »
I would negotiate with him on gifts.  Tell him that you do expect a BF to give gifts on certain occasions.
For example, Birthday, Christmas, and Valentine's Day.  Tell him that you think it is quite "normal maintenance" for a BF to give a GF (and visa versa) on these occasions and if you were not to receive gifts you would feel quite unhappy and disappointed and why would he want to be the cause of that?

libraryliz

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Re: s/o of Gift Giving - Is it SS to want a gift?
« Reply #16 on: August 04, 2010, 10:52:52 PM »
I understand being upset that your BF didn't get you a birthday present but you had only been dating a couple of days.  Even if you had been friends and he knew about your birthday, he might not yet have had time to get you a present or been ready for that.  Last year I'd only been dating my BF for a month when my birthday rolled around and I made sure he didn't know about it (including threatening death upon mutual friends if they let it slip) because we were still casual and I didn't want pressure on him.  He wasn't happy when he found out he had missed it.  This year he went all out.  However, we've never celebrated an anniversary period.  And to be honest I don't know many couples that celebrated their six month anniversary after we all left high school (though I remember it being a huge thing in high school).

It is reasonable to expect gifts on Christmas and Birthdays within a reasonable period of a relationship.  I remember starting to date a guy three weeks before Christmas and agonizing about what to do for him, if I should do anything for him, etc.  And I'm a natural gift giver.  It can be a lot of stress, particularly for a guy who isn't a natural shopper, so look for the other ways he shows you his love.
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Twik

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Re: s/o of Gift Giving - Is it SS to want a gift?
« Reply #17 on: August 04, 2010, 11:48:39 PM »
My own opinion, I'm afraid, is that it is getting into ss territory to expect a gift within two days of starting dating. That's not even enough time for proper shopping!

Gifts are very individual, of course, but if I started dating someone and two days afterwards they were hurt and upset because it was their birthday and I hadn't gotten them a present, I would doubt the relationship would continue. That's not to say that I wouldn't expect reciprocal gifts eventually, but two days in? Nope, wouldn't even be on my radar.

As some other posters have said, if frequent gifts are important to you, you may not be happy with someone who just doesn't get why gifts are important, and doesn't think to get them umless pressured.
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BuffaloFang

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Re: s/o of Gift Giving - Is it SS to want a gift?
« Reply #18 on: August 05, 2010, 12:02:25 AM »
I wouldn't give a gift for a 6 month "anniversary" (technically, it'd be a mensiversary since it's not quite a year).

I think the important thing is that he acknowlege the days that are important to you.  Ignoring your birthday altogether = not okay.  Saying happy birthday and taking you out to dinner with no gift, that seems okay to me.  Although I think if he knows you like gifts, it would be very kind of him to get one for you.

Bethalize

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Re: s/o of Gift Giving - Is it SS to want a gift?
« Reply #19 on: August 05, 2010, 05:15:07 AM »
I wouldn't give a gift for a 6 month "anniversary" (technically, it'd be a mensiversary since it's not quite a year).

Good word! Now I can Say "anniversaries are one thing but I don't do mensiverasries."

I think that Christmas, your birthday, Valentine's Day and your anniversary is a reasonable number of occassions to expect noted. Now I'm older we don't do Valentine's Day (it's for single people here) but we do do the other three occassions because when I'm old it's likely that my husband will be the only person to notice.

Giggity

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Re: s/o of Gift Giving - Is it SS to want a gift?
« Reply #20 on: August 05, 2010, 12:35:34 PM »
StarFaerie, I'd highly recommend "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. In it he explains that people have different ways of expressing love and 'understanding' love. Some people show love by saying "I love you" a lot, others by doing favours, others again by physical touch and others - like you, it sounds - by giving gifts.

Extra info.:  I believe the five languages are receiving gifts, quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation (praise/compliments), and physical touch.

Ordinarily I star far FAR away from relationship self-help books, but this one is gold. My Ex is an "acts of service" kind - he is a doer. It's very important to him to be an equal provider and to demonstrate that he's carrying his weight. I am divided between "physical touch" and "words of affirmation" - I'd far rather have a kiss or have him tell me I'm perfect  :P than have him buy me something.

Gentleman Friend, on the other hand, hasn't taken the test or read the book, but I bet he's divided between "words of affirmation" and "receiving gifts" (he grew up instant oatmeal, and even a couple new comic books can make his day). We have a love language in common, and that really makes our communication more open and easy.
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MrsO

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Re: s/o of Gift Giving - Is it SS to want a gift?
« Reply #21 on: August 05, 2010, 12:40:00 PM »
6 months is not a gift giving occasion, IMHO. I agree with a PP though, you wouldn't be out of line in expecting a birthday or christmas gift.

MommyPenguin

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Re: s/o of Gift Giving - Is it SS to want a gift?
« Reply #22 on: August 05, 2010, 02:31:25 PM »
I agree with the others that 6 months isn't usually a gift-giving occasion (some guys don't even like any sort of dating anniversaries being made a big deal of, they don't consider a dating anniversary on par with a wedding anniversary).

However, the "love languages" thing that others have mentioned was what I was going to say as well.  If your "love language" is gifts, and they're important to you, then that's something you should make clear, and the two of you should figure out how to deal with that.  Because if you feel loved when you receive gifts and he thinks gifts aren't a big deal (you referenced that in your OP, about him not thinking that birthdays were a big deal), then you're going to feel unloved, even if he's trying to show his feelings for you in a different manner.

My husband's brother is very much one whose love language is gifts.  They're important to him.  He likes new stuff, name brands, doesn't like hand-me-downs even for his kids, etc.  My husband and I are totally the opposite.  Nonetheless, we know that to *him*, new, nice gifts are an expression of love.  So we bite the bullet and go overboard (as necessary) with nice namebrand stuff for him for gift-giving occasions (and they even do gifts for Easter, Thanksgiving, and sometimes just because they haven't seen us a for a while).  It's their way of knowing that we love them.

So even if your boyfriend isn't big on gift-giving, I think it might be a good time to talk about expectations, especially as your birthday was six months ago and Christmas is a few months away (because it gives you guys plenty of time to discuss it, and him plenty of time to think about it without the pressure or feeling like you're hinting for stuff right now).

DavidH

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Re: s/o of Gift Giving - Is it SS to want a gift?
« Reply #23 on: August 05, 2010, 07:01:09 PM »
I agree with everyone else that 6-months is not a standard gift giving anniversary, particularly since it is not clear when exactly that is.  Is it 6-months and the same numerical day, or day 183 of the relationship?

Is it SS to expect gifts in a relationship is very loaded question.  To expect gifts ever, of course not, but to expect them at random times, and at a 6-month anniversary in addition to on your birthday 2 days into it, yes, it is.

Being accused of being high maintenance after complaining over the lack of a 6-month gift and pushing the point is, in my mind, rude, but not completely inaccurate either. 

Have the conversation about what you expect and after that either you reach an agreement you can both be happy with or at least live with, or you move on. 

cshiley

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Re: s/o of Gift Giving - Is it SS to want a gift?
« Reply #24 on: August 06, 2010, 11:54:53 AM »
I agree with everyone else that 6-months is not a standard gift giving anniversary, particularly since it is not clear when exactly that is.  Is it 6-months and the same numerical day, or day 183 of the rel@tionship?


It's 6 months and the same numerical day.  Day 183 is your semi-annual anniversary.


jessikast

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Re: s/o of Gift Giving - Is it SS to want a gift?
« Reply #25 on: August 10, 2010, 06:50:12 PM »
My own opinion, I'm afraid, is that it is getting into ss territory to expect a gift within two days of starting d@ting. That's not even enough time for proper shopping!

Didn't she say they'd been friends before they starting dating two days before her birthday? I think that if you are friends with someone who would normally celebrate your birthday (not necessarily with a gift, but maybe a text or attending your party) and they know it's coming up, it's not SS to expect SOMETHING. It doesn't take two days of shopping to get a card or pick up some nice chocolates.

In regards to the OP - I don't think six months is the time for a Present-with-a-capital-P, but it wouldn't be out of line to expect a token of some kind - assuming that's the pattern your relationship has followed thus far. My boyfriend and I have also just passed the six-month mark, and we've done something special to mark the date from the 2-month mark on. (It's kind of ridiculously sappy.) We usually just go out for dinner somewhere nice, and one time he sent me flowers to work.

At six months, I hand-made him a card and wrote what I loved about him and how much he meant to me. It meant I was giving him something meaningful without spending too much money (just time - I re-wrote the inside three times!) so I wouldn't be creating a situation where there was a one-sided monetary outlay.  He didn't get me anything concrete, but paid for our night out which included going to the Gold Lounge at the cinemas to see "Eclipse" - which was definitely my movie choice, not his, and that meant a lot to me! X-D

miranova

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Re: s/o of Gift Giving - Is it SS to want a gift?
« Reply #26 on: August 11, 2010, 06:01:27 PM »
I don't think it is SS to expect that the person who says that they love you will want to do "thing X" that he knows makes you feel loved.  The fact that it is gift-giving and not something else is irrelevant.  If he knows it makes you feel loved, and he loves you, in my opinion he would at least give it a shot.  But in order for this to be a fair expectation, he has to know how you feel about it and I think you could have told him how you feel about it in a slightly more mature fasion.  "What are you going to get me?" is not what I would have recommended.  However, what's done is done.  I think in the future you can tell him, more directly, how much it means to you but you have to make it clear that it's not a high-pressure "must get the perfect thing" situation.  Once he knows, in my opinion, he should try to do it for you, even if it doesn't come naturally to him.  The whole point of the love language book is to learn to speak the other person's language in order to help them feel loved.  It's not a "this is what I do, take it or leave it" idea.

ETA:  I'm not saying people should change who they fundamentally are.  I think relationships work best when people are naturally compatible already.  But if the relationship is otherwise good and there is commitment, then the idea of purposely going out of your comfort zone a little to do something your partner loves is a sound one.
« Last Edit: August 11, 2010, 06:04:12 PM by miranova »

mich3554

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Re: s/o of Gift Giving - Is it SS to want a gift?
« Reply #27 on: August 11, 2010, 07:02:59 PM »
I don't think it's SS to expect a birthday or Christmas present, but I do think it's a little over the line to want a 6 month anniversary present.

It sounds like you have higher expectations about receiving gifts regularly and your b/f isn't on the same page.  You've given his gifts with the expectation that he was going to reciprocate.  IMO, gifts should be given freely, without the expectation of receiving one as well.  Now you're going to have to resolve your expectations and reality.

FWIW, I rarely give my b/f non-event presents spontaneously.  However, he has bought me things that were totally unexpected.  While I do appreciate them, he doesn't give me gifts with the idea that he'll be getting something in return and the few that I give him (like the swim trunks that I found on sale and picked up last month) I didn't expect anything either.

delphinium

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Re: s/o of Gift Giving - Is it SS to want a gift?
« Reply #28 on: August 11, 2010, 07:36:18 PM »

POD this. ;)


He told you up front that he doesn't get into these occasions.  I think it's unfair to pursue the rel@tionship anyway and then get upset when he does exactly what he told you he was going to do.  If you want a boyfriend who remembers special occasions and presents thoughtful gifts, you have the wrong guy.  He told you that six months ago.

No, it doesn't make you a special snowflake to want gift-giving to be part of your rel@tionship...but you can't browbeat the guy into giving you presents.  He doesn't do that.

And in all honesty, I don't think a six month "anniversary" is a gift giving occasion.  Sure, couples can and do agree to exchange gifts for their six month mark if they want to, but I would not think of it myself.  In my rel@tionships it's been more like "Hey, our first date was six months ago today."  Kiss, kiss...and that was that.

I think you need to decide what your bottom line is and have an honest talk.  Does he see ever buying you a gift for anything?  Can you live with his answer?  Can he live with what you need to feel loved and appreciated?  You just need to lay it out there...but do acknowledge that he tried to tel,l you before.

Good luck!