Author Topic: Rude to sleep in car?  (Read 19532 times)

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Two Ravens

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Re: Rude to sleep in car?
« Reply #105 on: August 03, 2010, 08:12:43 AM »
The driver isn't the host; he's doing a necessary service for the benefit of the rest of the group.  And yeah, in every group car ride I've been on, we don't stop if one person says "I'd like to stop."  You never get anywhere that way.  We find a time and place that works for everyone.  It usually doesn't take very long.  If the person says "I really need to stop" then that's a different story, but one person's mild desire doesn't trump the rest of the group.  And if one person was saying "I want to stop" every ten minutes while the rest of the group was ready to get home already, then I would also be suggesting that person find alternate transport in the future if she wants to keep stopping so often.

The OP could've stopped this after the first time by offering to drive the group herself and letting everyone sleep if they wanted.  She wants to have the benefit of having someone else drive her and get to decide on all the rules.  That's what you hire someone for.  In a group, you make compromises and let majority rule if there are disputes.

I think several of us have suggested that the OP find new traveling companions, but that doesn't negate the fact that the driver (whom I believe is in host mode, once people are in his vehicle and under his control as driver of the vehicle)  described in her OP is very immature, selfish and desperate for attention if he's actually slamming on the brakes in order to jolt her awake.  And I can't even imagine the dynamics of "a group" that mandates its members stay awake and participatory lest the rest of the group members miss out on a few minutes of attention.  To your point, what kind of "group" has "rules" about when others can take naps in a moving vehicle?  That's friendship?  Shudder.

Most groups I belong to require members to remain conscious for the entire duration of the activity.  This driver considers the car ride part of the activity, and thinks its rude to sleep during it.  I don't think that necessarily makes him immature.

And for me, "friendship" means sometimes doing things I rather would not to avoid annoying my friends.  Two way street, and all that.

KenveeB

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Re: Rude to sleep in car?
« Reply #106 on: August 03, 2010, 08:14:53 AM »
Most groups I belong to require members to remain conscious for the entire duration of the activity.  

LOL!  Very well-put. :)

BettyDraper

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Re: Rude to sleep in car?
« Reply #107 on: August 03, 2010, 08:33:53 AM »
Most groups I belong to require members to remain conscious for the entire duration of the activity.  

LOL!  Very well-put. :)

The outing was to hike.  The hike had ended.  What is the can't-miss activity taking place in the moving vehicle?  Chit-chat?  What if the OP were merely silent, looking out of the window and not taking part in general chit-chat because it was on a topic not of interest to her -- say, hockey.  Would she be prodded and jostled until she feigned interest and asked "What are those pucks made of, anyhow?" just to pacify her "friends" ?  Would you consider it acceptable of "the group" to force her to come up with a fake contribution to the conversation?  How much control does the group get over her bodily functions, her thought process, the number of words she utters on the trip home, etc.?  What if she doesn't speak often enough or enthusiastically enough, according to "group standards" ??

Suze

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Re: Rude to sleep in car?
« Reply #108 on: August 03, 2010, 08:38:23 AM »
and there are times that no matter how much you WANT to stay away

it don't happen

I was in classes last year at a huge SCA event (Pennsic War) and the tents were warm (Lots of people) and in at least two of them I fell asleep

The one teacher came over to me at the end of the class and woke me up and asked me if it was my "first War" (Yes it was) he just grinned and told me to go back to my tent and take a good nap.  

If you really can't help falling asleep - there is no need for the driver to play games to keep waking you up.

while it would have been nice if you could have stayed awake for the trip back to your car - I think a considerate driver would reconize that you would be safer for YOUR drive home if he let you sleep a bit.
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Two Ravens

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Re: Rude to sleep in car?
« Reply #109 on: August 03, 2010, 08:43:36 AM »
Most groups I belong to require members to remain conscious for the entire duration of the activity.  

LOL!  Very well-put. :)

The outing was to hike.  The hike had ended.  What is the can't-miss activity taking place in the moving vehicle?  Chit-chat?  What if the OP were merely silent, looking out of the window and not taking part in general chit-chat because it was on a topic not of interest to her -- say, hockey.  Would she be prodded and jostled until she feigned interest and asked "What are those pucks made of, anyhow?" just to pacify her "friends" ?  Would you consider it acceptable of "the group" to force her to come up with a fake contribution to the conversation?  How much control does the group get over her bodily functions, her thought process, the number of words she utters on the trip home, etc.?  What if she doesn't speak often enough or enthusiastically enough, according to "group standards" ??

A "hike" does not mean just the time spent walking in the woods.  Maybe to some people it would, but not to me, nor, apparently, the OP's friends. The group standards are that she stay awake.  That's all.  And I do not consider that a huge burden.

You seem to be putting a lot of effort into villifying these people.  Surely they cannot be so awful if the OP goes hiking with them so often.

NOVA Lady

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Re: Rude to sleep in car?
« Reply #110 on: August 03, 2010, 08:56:04 AM »
I wonder if me and my husband are boors. When we make the 8 hour drive to my home town (which we are making tomorrow morning, grrr) we both prefer that the other stay awake and converse with us, as it helps the other stay awake and alert. Maybe neither of us should be driving!

PeasNCues

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Re: Rude to sleep in car?
« Reply #111 on: August 03, 2010, 09:01:24 AM »
I could be perfectly fine to drive, but if someone is napping I start to feel a "tug" of sleepiness that is really uncomfortable and then I start feeling tired too. I don't know why.

I also prefer to drive and offer all the time.

People know not to sleep in the car when I am driving unless there is active conversation going on around me (being involved in an active conversation kind of negates the napping, I guess).

According to the OP, everyone in the car was quiet.

I do not equate a tap on the breaks with a slam on the breaks. I do not think anyone here would stick a fork in their aunt to wake up.

And I do not think there is any indication that the driver in this case is a control freak. All I see is that he prefers to drive and he prefers that people not sleep in his car.

Sounds like me.

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DangerMouth

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Re: Rude to sleep in car?
« Reply #112 on: August 03, 2010, 09:02:52 AM »
The driver isn't the host; he's doing a necessary service for the benefit of the rest of the group.  And yeah, in every group car ride I've been on, we don't stop if one person says "I'd like to stop."  You never get anywhere that way.  We find a time and place that works for everyone.  It usually doesn't take very long.  If the person says "I really need to stop" then that's a different story, but one person's mild desire doesn't trump the rest of the group.  And if one person was saying "I want to stop" every ten minutes while the rest of the group was ready to get home already, then I would also be suggesting that person find alternate transport in the future if she wants to keep stopping so often.

The OP could've stopped this after the first time by offering to drive the group herself and letting everyone sleep if they wanted.  She wants to have the benefit of having someone else drive her and get to decide on all the rules.  That's what you hire someone for.  In a group, you make compromises and let majority rule if there are disputes.

I think several of us have suggested that the OP find new traveling companions, but that doesn't negate the fact that the driver (whom I believe is in host mode, once people are in his vehicle and under his control as driver of the vehicle)  described in her OP is very immature, selfish and desperate for attention if he's actually slamming on the brakes in order to jolt her awake.  And I can't even imagine the dynamics of "a group" that mandates its members stay awake and participatory lest the rest of the group members miss out on a few minutes of attention.  To your point, what kind of "group" has "rules" about when others can take naps in a moving vehicle?  That's friendship?  Shudder.

That's quite a bit of hyperbole there. All I know is that if I were driving with a group of people who were all "pretty wiped out" and the driver wanted us to stay awake, I'd be doing everything in my power to stay awake to make sure the driver wasn't more tired than he was saying. And turning down the radio so the OP can nap? Maybe he should just pull over and wait for her to wake up so as not to disturb her rest?

BettyDraper

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Re: Rude to sleep in car?
« Reply #113 on: August 03, 2010, 09:09:40 AM »
Well, it seems very needy and ungracious to me but clearly none of us is going to change our opinions based on this discussion. 

PeasNCues

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Re: Rude to sleep in car?
« Reply #114 on: August 03, 2010, 09:12:03 AM »
Well, it seems very needy and ungracious to me but clearly none of us is going to change our opinions based on this discussion. 
Tis true. We will have to agree to disagree.  :-*
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high dudgeon

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Re: Rude to sleep in car?
« Reply #115 on: August 03, 2010, 12:43:10 PM »
The outing was to hike.  The hike had ended.  What is the can't-miss activity taking place in the moving vehicle?  Chit-chat?  What if the OP were merely silent, looking out of the window and not taking part in general chit-chat because it was on a topic not of interest to her -- say, hockey.  Would she be prodded and jostled until she feigned interest and asked "What are those pucks made of, anyhow?" just to pacify her "friends" ?  Would you consider it acceptable of "the group" to force her to come up with a fake contribution to the conversation?  How much control does the group get over her bodily functions, her thought process, the number of words she utters on the trip home, etc.?  What if she doesn't speak often enough or enthusiastically enough, according to "group standards" ??

Who said an activity had to be "can't miss" in order for the rules of etiquette to apply? If I'm at a boring party, and my friends tell stories I've heard from them in the past, it's okay to just doze off on the couch to rest up for the drive home, instead of at least listening? If she doesn't enjoy these people's company, and she wouldn't be missing anything my dozing off instead of hanging out with them for an hour or two, why would she even be going on an outing with them?

If my plans for the weekend are to pick up some friends and go to the nearby outlet mall, and in the car, instead of talking about our lives and common interests, singing along with the radio, or even just hanging out in a companionable silence, my friends decided to just sleep on the rides to and from the mall, yes, I think that was very rude and I would either ask them to stay awake, or in the future I wouldn't offer to drive again (and wonder if it was really worth spending my free time with them since they valued my chauffeuring more than my company.) OP's case is a little different, due to the strenuous exercise involved, but I don't think it's a complete get-out-of-ehell free card and I don't think the driver is rude for expressing a preference that his riders stay awake.

And since no one at all was slamming on the brakes, there's no point in discussing something that never happened. I do think it was inappropriate for him to use the car like that, since it could have been confusing to other drivers on the road. If whatever he needed to do couldn't be done verbally and safely, he should have pulled over and stopped the vehicle instead of playing games with a car full of passengers.
« Last Edit: August 03, 2010, 12:45:33 PM by high dudgeon »

Emmy

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Re: Rude to sleep in car?
« Reply #116 on: August 03, 2010, 12:45:24 PM »
I do think nodding off is something that the OP can't help and is not rude for doing so.  If the OP intentionally curled up for a nap because she thought the conversation was boring, then that would be rude.  Some people's bodys shut down when they are exhausted, and they fall asleep whether they mean to do so or not.  I am one of these people and have fallen asleep against my will at various awkward times (including when I first met my future in-laws).  I agree with the PP who said if somebody is asleep in an awkward time or place, they probably don't mean to be asleep.  People have pointed out that nobody else in the car had fallen asleep, but not everybody is the same and has the same energy levels.  To use another example, if somebody has a condition such as diabetes that causes them to need to eat more often, should they be chastised for eating just because nobody is hungry and needs to eat.

I do think the OP should either make an effort to stay awake or arrange other transportation if riding with this group.  Personally, I think the rule of expecting nobody to fall asleep in the car is silly and controlling (although I can sympathize with the driver if everybody is asleep).  Despite how the OP feels about the rules, she should abide by the group rules while in this person's vehicle.  I also think it would be rude for the OP to continue riding with this group if she knows she is likely to fall asleep because it seems to be a grievous offence to this group.  If a driver had a rule about going 5 hours before making a rest stop, I would think that rule was unreasonable and silly.  However, I would be rude to agree to riding with him and then demand he stop every 2 hours.  Just because he has a rule that I think is silly doesn't mean I should break it.  Personally, if I had a group of friends who gave me a hard time about something that was causing them no harm and that I could not help, I would reevaluate the friendships.  
« Last Edit: August 03, 2010, 12:50:16 PM by Emmy »

JoieGirl7

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Re: Rude to sleep in car?
« Reply #117 on: August 03, 2010, 01:13:42 PM »
Most groups I belong to require members to remain conscious for the entire duration of the activity.

Even camping?   >:D

Granny Takes a Trip

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Re: Rude to sleep in car?
« Reply #118 on: August 03, 2010, 01:14:00 PM »
I could be perfectly fine to drive, but if someone is napping I start to feel a "tug" of sleepiness that is really uncomfortable and then I start feeling tired too. I don't know why.

I also prefer to drive and offer all the time.

People know not to sleep in the car when I am driving unless there is active conversation going on around me (being involved in an active conversation kind of negates the napping, I guess).

According to the OP, everyone in the car was quiet.

I do not equate a tap on the breaks with a slam on the breaks. I do not think anyone here would stick a fork in their aunt to wake up.

And I do not think there is any indication that the driver in this case is a control freak. All I see is that he prefers to drive and he prefers that people not sleep in his car.

Sounds like me.

I am not a control freak.  ;D I promise.

Those are all good points. However, the OP is not the only person in the car with the driver. I actually agree with the people who say that the OP should stop riding with this group. I think that this is really a matter of personal preference, rather than 'rudeness', per se. However, any rudeness that did occur I think comes from the driver, not the OP.
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Granny Takes a Trip

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Re: Rude to sleep in car?
« Reply #119 on: August 03, 2010, 01:16:22 PM »
I do think nodding off is something that the OP can't help and is not rude for doing so.  If the OP intentionally curled up for a nap because she thought the conversation was boring, then that would be rude.  Some people's bodys shut down when they are exhausted, and they fall asleep whether they mean to do so or not.  I am one of these people and have fallen asleep against my will at various awkward times (including when I first met my future in-laws).  I agree with the PP who said if somebody is asleep in an awkward time or place, they probably don't mean to be asleep.  People have pointed out that nobody else in the car had fallen asleep, but not everybody is the same and has the same energy levels.  To use another example, if somebody has a condition such as diabetes that causes them to need to eat more often, should they be chastised for eating just because nobody is hungry and needs to eat.

I do think the OP should either make an effort to stay awake or arrange other transportation if riding with this group.  Personally, I think the rule of expecting nobody to fall asleep in the car is silly and controlling (although I can sympathize with the driver if everybody is asleep).  Despite how the OP feels about the rules, she should abide by the group rules while in this person's vehicle.  I also think it would be rude for the OP to continue riding with this group if she knows she is likely to fall asleep because it seems to be a grievous offence to this group.  If a driver had a rule about going 5 hours before making a rest stop, I would think that rule was unreasonable and silly.  However, I would be rude to agree to riding with him and then demand he stop every 2 hours.  Just because he has a rule that I think is silly doesn't mean I should break it.  Personally, if I had a group of friends who gave me a hard time about something that was causing them no harm and that I could not help, I would reevaluate the friendships.  

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