Rude to sleep in car?

[Emmy]

I think falling asleep in the car depends on the situation.  If the situation was the driver was the only one with the large enough vehicle to accommodate everybody or he offered because nobody else was keen on driving, I think it would be proper for the other passengers to accommodate his wishes in terms of making an effort to stay awake (although my personal opinion is that it is odd to expect everyone to stay awake for the sake of being awake).  However, it is rude to jostle somebody awake constantly when they inadvertently nod off.  If the driver feels tired for any reason, I think he has the right to pull over and request somebody else driver or to take a cat nap himself before continuing.   

I am a person who tends to nod off when I am tired.  My body just shuts down when I am tired and I often fall asleep at times I do not wish so I can sympathize with the OP for nodding off after a long day with a strenuous activity and a long, silent car ride home.  I think the OP should have a talk with the driver and tell him that she is not going to sleep on purpose, but is simply exhausted after the long day and can't keep awake.  Maybe he will be more sympathetic if he realizes that she can't help it or at least willing to help her stay awake like agreeing to stop for a coffee after the hike like another poster suggested.

[Giggity]

I do totally see why some consider it rude.

Me, I don't find it rude.

[Kiara]

Who among you would really, number one, insist that you drive the group every time.  And number two, if you have one friend out of 5 who falls asleep on the way home, would you really jostle them awake every time and demand that they interact with you?
 
I don't even see that he is asking that she interact--he's just claiming that its unfair that he has to drive and to make it more fair that she has to stay awake.

Exactly.  We used to take a tubing trip in college for a student group.  We'd take a 15 passenger van, and since it was owned by the group, the driver usually was one of about 5 people.  On the way back, everyone was exhausted.  The only person "required" to stay awake?  The one in the front passenger seat, to talk to the driver.  Aside from that, we didn't care if you slept the whole 2 hours back. 

That's how I view this...if one person stays awake to keep the driver company, then it's not rude for everyone else to fall asleep.

[DangerMouth]

Who among you would really, number one, insist that you drive the group every time.  And number two, if you have one friend out of 5 who falls asleep on the way home, would you really jostle them awake every time and demand that they interact with you?
 
I don't even see that he is asking that she interact--he's just claiming that its unfair that he has to drive and to make it more fair that she has to stay awake.

Exactly.  We used to take a tubing trip in college for a student group.  We'd take a 15 passenger van, and since it was owned by the group, the driver usually was one of about 5 people.  On the way back, everyone was exhausted.  The only person "required" to stay awake?  The one in the front passenger seat, to talk to the driver.  Aside from that, we didn't care if you slept the whole 2 hours back. 

That's how I view this...if one person stays awake to keep the driver company, then it's not rude for everyone else to fall asleep.

That's a great system. Alternately, (and I just made a road trip from FL to CT and back), my own 'rule' is if I'm driving, I get to do what I want with the music/radio. If that means listening to 'Thrak' cranked up to 11, or the home canning call-in show, well, thems the brokes.  It doesn't bother me if others sleep, but if someone has a problem with the music, well, that's what earplugs are for.

[Kiara]

DangerMouth -

That works too!  I was usually the one in the passenger seat, because I can't fall asleep in cars.  Worked for everybody.  I volunteered, everyone else got to sleep, driver stayed awake...everyone wins!

[Granny Takes a Trip]

No, I didn’t snore, because I didn’t fall asleep all the way. I nodded off, dozed, whatever you want to call it. I don’t think it’s possible for me to fall fully asleep in a car, I’ve never been able to do that unfortunately.

The attitude of the driver (and most everyone in the car, it seemed), was that it wasn’t fair or right for any of us to get to snooze while he had to drive. Sorry if I didn’t make that point clear yesterday when I posted.

He sounds like a control freak!

POD. I think this man sounds very rude, to be honest. KR, I don't think you're rude at all. This has nothing to do with sleep patterns, ect. He's just being bossy.

[KenveeB]

Am I the only one trying to figure out how the driver could jostle OP awake when she said she was in the back?  I'm trying to picture the contortionist driver.

I tend to not think of an hour drive as a "long" one, and I really don't see why it's so hard to stay awake for a drive that length.  If someone was just nodding off occasionally during a drive, I wouldn't think anything of it, but it sounds as if every single time they're driving, OP is asleep.  That would annoy me if I was one of the other people in the car.  It just seems like "gee, thanks, glad you find us so interesting." 

Anyway, given that everyone else in the car agreed with the driver, I don't think that he's being rude or controlling.  It seems to be the group culture that the drive back is part of the outing and not nap time.  I think that in that kind of situation, it's majority rules.  If the rest of the group was fine with napping, then it would be rude for one person to insist on everyone to stay awake.  But if the rest of the group thinks you should all stay awake, then it's rude for one person to insist on sleeping.

[whatsanenigma]

  But if the rest of the group thinks you should all stay awake, then it's rude for one person to insist on sleeping.

As I have said before, I find it hard to imagine someone "insisting on sleeping". Whenever I see someone sleeping at an odd time or in an odd place, I assume they really have no choice. My opinion of course is clouded by the fact that I have narcolepsy and before it was properly diagnosed and treated, I was very often "rude" and spoken to as if it was a deliberate thing to insult people, or that I didn't know what proper social behavior was...when in truth, I fought it as hard as I could and truly didn't know what was wrong. It wasn't my choice to sleep-I would rather have been awake. Even in situations where it would have been perfectly polite to fall asleep (trading drivers on a long car trip, for example) I would rather have stayed awake and socialized. So I assume that sleeping people have no choice, and not spending time in a way of their choosing, not being rude, not personally insulting me. And I don't assume that they all have rare disorders causing it-it's entirely possible, in my mind, to be otherwise physically healthy and just prone to nodding off in a car, for example, or to get very tired after unusual exertion and fall asleep, whatever.

So, there are some things I would ask about this type of situation-because ordinarily, I believe in "your car, your rules". What is the polite way to say "I will not ride with you because I don't want to follow your rules"? Is it different if the situation actually is "I will not ride with you because a physical disability prevents me from following your rules"? Or even "...because I think your rules are unreasonable"?

And who does the onus of bringing this up fall upon? Is it the responsibility of every person who has ever accidentally fallen asleep in a car to speak up when someone offers a ride, and say "I'm sorry, I tend to fall asleep in cars, is that okay?" or is it on the owner of the vehicle, if sleeping people in the car bothers him or her at all, to say "I can drive some people but I really can't have anyone sleeping in my car, it's a safety issue"?

I'm not trying to be snarky here or dismiss anyone's opinions or experience as invalid. But because this is an etiquette board, I think those are questions we could try to address. Because people aren't going to stop falling asleep in cars any time soon. 

[KenveeB]

Yes, I think that it's incumbent on the person with the disorder to speak up.  Sleeping isn't an involuntary response to sitting in a car for most people, so if you're the one who's out of the ordinary of what people would expect then it's up to you to speak up.  And if it's genuinely a disorder, then I think most people would be a lot more understanding than someone just falling asleep all the time.  One is a medical issue, the other conveys that the group isn't interesting enough to keep you awake.  Totally different issues.

On a long car trip, I'd expect people to work out if sleeping was okay or not in advance.  I honestly can say it would never occur to me to have that discussion before an hour car drive.  But since this has happened several times to the OP and she's obviously aware of how the rest of the group feels, then it's up to her to come up with an alternative if the rest of the group's preference isn't okay with her.

[whatsanenigma]

Yes, I think that it's incumbent on the person with the disorder to speak up.  Sleeping isn't an involuntary response to sitting in a car for most people, so if you're the one who's out of the ordinary of what people would expect then it's up to you to speak up.  And if it's genuinely a disorder, then I think most people would be a lot more understanding than someone just falling asleep all the time.  One is a medical issue, the other conveys that the group isn't interesting enough to keep you awake.  Totally different issues.

Well, what I am questioning here, really, is "how out of the ordinary is it"? Sure, I personally fall asleep very easily even while medicated and I have a reason (though anyone I am close enough to to be driving that far with, probably already knows this) but what about in the less extreme areas of this? I am sure there are many people, especially when pushed, as by a strenuous trip as described in the OP, fall asleep involuntarily. How often does this have to have happened to a person before it becomes their responsibility to say that they fall asleep in cars and to ask if it is okay, when offered a ride?

Whether it is rude or not, it seems to be very very common. Is it more common, or less common (the tendency to fall asleep in a car, even if it's not extreme) than the tendency to be annoyed, as a driver, by this, or even to be in a position where sleeping passengers is a safety issue? From my perspective I assumed the sleeping is more common, but I could be wrong, but I ask because you are correct, the one doing the "out of the ordinary" thing, rude or not, is the one who should speak up.

And it gets back to one of my questions: How do you politely decline the offer of a ride if you can't or won't abide by the rules of the owner of the car? It's very generous of someone to offer to drive the whole way and not ask for money for gas. How do you say "thanks but no thanks" without being insulting? And if it's a disorder and not something you can control, then if sleeping passengers causes a safety hazard to the driver, it doesn't matter if you can control it or not-it's still a safety issue. That would be another tricky area of politeness, I think.
 

But since this has happened several times to the OP and she's obviously aware of how the rest of the group feels, then it's up to her to come up with an alternative if the rest of the group's preference isn't okay with her.

If this really is the case, then again, what is the best way to turn down what otherwise seems like a generous offer? And if she isn't absolutely sure that she will fall asleep, is it worth the social consequences of looking rude by turning down that generous offer, or even of losing what time with her friends she would be sure to enjoy?

There are polite and impolite ways of handling anything, of course, and I think it would be good to discuss how to handle this politely.

[bah12]

Am I the only one trying to figure out how the driver could jostle OP awake when she said she was in the back?  I'm trying to picture the contortionist driver.

Me too.  When the OP said that the driver jostled her awake, I pictured her in the front seat.  That actually greatly influenced my response.

[Hushabye]

Am I the only one trying to figure out how the driver could jostle OP awake when she said she was in the back?  I'm trying to picture the contortionist driver.

Me too.  When the OP said that the driver jostled her awake, I pictured her in the front seat.  That actually greatly influenced my response.

Maybe it's because my friends and I pester each other all the time, but I can easily see the driver reaching back to the back seat, either between his seat and the door or between the driver and passenger doors, to jostle the legs of whoever is sitting back there.

[bah12]

Am I the only one trying to figure out how the driver could jostle OP awake when she said she was in the back?  I'm trying to picture the contortionist driver.

Me too.  When the OP said that the driver jostled her awake, I pictured her in the front seat.  That actually greatly influenced my response.

Maybe it's because my friends and I pester each other all the time, but I can easily see the driver reaching back to the back seat, either between his seat and the door or between the driver and passenger doors, to jostle the legs of whoever is sitting back there.

I can picture it in a smaller car, but not so much in a larger vehicle like the OP replied.  Maybe this is because I'm hopelessly short.  Either way, obviously it's possible, because it happened.

I was just saying that, to me, position in the car matters and my original response was based on my assumptions that she was sitting in the front.  If she were in the front seat, I would be more inclined to say she needed to stay awake...in the back, not as much.

[evely28]

I don't think it matters what we think, what matters is the driver who is giving you a ride doesn't like you sleeping in his vehicle and the other passengers agree with him. That's what you have to work with. I think you should either try to stay awake or don't accept rides anymore. Though it hasn't bothered me when I'm driving and everyone else konks out, I wonder if there is some truth to it having a "more drowsy than usual" effect on the driver. I am someone that konks out very easily as a passenger and depending on the setting, I apologize when I wake up.  Maybe that would make a difference for you. It's kind of like belching loudly without saying "excuse me" and offering up that it's natural or it couldn't be helped. One way is rude and the apology way makes it not rude.

[kingsrings]

To clear up the mystery of how he jostled me awake – either verbally, or by gently tapping the brakes if the roadway was clear.