Address secondhand information?

[shatzie]

I really don't know what to do here.

I have a brother who's highly opinionated and very overbearing. I rarely cross him because it's just not worth it.

A few years ago, dh and I became good friends with a couple, Henry and Anne. Bro found out and asked all his friends and acquaintances what they knew of Henry and Anne. He uncovered some very malicious gossip (accusations of infidelity and sexual deviancy) and presented the info to me, telling me that I shouldn't associate with them anymore. I was too shocked to do much but listen to his gossip and then walk away.

Anne now has a 2 year old boy named Jack, and she is babysitting Baby Shatzie for me today. Please note that Bro has never met Anne, Henry, or Jack.

I was talking to our mom this morning, and Mom told me that Bro told her he thinks baby shatzie is going to "come home covered in bruises." Bro thinks that Jack is going to abuse Baby Shatzie because Baby S will be taking attention from him.

That sounds exactly like the sort of nasty, vile thing that would come out of Bro's mouth, but at the same time, you can't be sure of anything you hear secondhand.

I don't know what to do here. I want desperately to confront Bro and ask him if he really said that. Bro thinks he's always right, so if he said that he would fess up. If Mom was exaggerating when she told me, confronting Bro will cause problems with Mom.

Normally I don't pay any attention to things I hear secondhand. But this is such a strong accusation, I feel like it needs to be addressed.

I know generally, the etiquette rule is that you don't count secondhand info as fact. Does this situation fall under that rule, or does it need to be addressed? Is there a polite way to confront Bro?

[shatzie]

And by "abuse", bro thinks the kid (Jack) will hit/kick/bite baby shatzie.

[hyzenthlay]

I don't know what to do here. I want desperately to confront Bro and ask him if he really said that. Bro thinks he's always right, so if he said that he would fess up.

Normally I don't pay any attention to things I hear secondhand. But this is such a strong accusation, I feel like it needs to be addressed.

What will you accomplish by addressing this? Your brother is an opinionated jerk. Addressing this is not going to change that fact, nor is it going to 'save the reputation' of your friends. Are you looking for a fight? Because that's all I see happening.

[DigitalPumpkin46]

I don't know what to do here. I want desperately to confront Bro and ask him if he really said that. Bro thinks he's always right, so if he said that he would fess up.

Normally I don't pay any attention to things I hear secondhand. But this is such a strong accusation, I feel like it needs to be addressed.

What will you accomplish by addressing this? Your brother is an opinionated jerk. Addressing this is not going to change that fact, nor is it going to 'save the reputation' of your friends. Are you looking for a fight? Because that's all I see happening.

yup. pod!

[Amava]

A few years ago, dh and I became good friends with a couple, Henry and Anne. Bro found out and asked all his friends and acquaintances what they knew of Henry and Anne. He uncovered some very malicious gossip (accusations of infidelity and sexual deviancy) and presented the info to me, telling me that I shouldn't associate with them anymore. I was too shocked to do much but listen to his gossip and then walk away.

Your brother sounds extremely controlling. Does anyone ever tell him to mind his own business?

I wouldn't confront him. I would ignore it, and I would ask my mom to stop telling me the things he says. I just wouldn't want to hear his nonsense.

[bah12]

Ignore him.  Like a pp said, he sounds like a controlling jerk.  Confronting him will not help things.

You may want to ask your mom, though, not to pass on information your bro says about your friends if hearing it will upset you.  Explain that Bro doesn't know these friends and never met them.  You have no reason to feel like your baby isn't safe in their house and don't want to have to stress about unfounded accusations.

Did your mom pass this on to you because she was worried about baby shatzie?

[Merry Mrs Martin]

  Just to make sure I'm clear the real reason you wish to speak to your brother about is to confront him about making baseless accusations not because you think he has information about the safety of your child?  

If that's the case drop it either your mother exaggerated or your brother is spouting off again. neither of them have your complete confidence now will knowing which of them is more wrong about this change anything?    Your brother will give you another chance to tell him off , politely , for making baseless accusations, one that your sure of.  

[Amava]

Additionally I would make a strategy of sharing as little information as possible with this brother about everything in my life: what friends I socialise with, who watches my child, etc.
And I would ask my mother to do the same!

It would seriously disturb me if one of my siblings, upon hearing I was socialising with certain people, went digging for information about them.

[shatzie]

Additionally I would make a strategy of sharing as little information as possible with this brother about everything in my life: what friends I socialise with, who watches my child, etc.
And I would ask my mother to do the same!

It would seriously disturb me if one of my siblings, upon hearing I was socialising with certain people, went digging for information about them.

I already give him as little information as possible. And the digging-for-gossip was VERY disturbing to me.

Thanks for all the advice. I will keep my mouth shut with Bro and ask Mom to not tell me these things anymore.

[HonorH]

Additionally I would make a strategy of sharing as little information as possible with this brother about everything in my life: what friends I socialise with, who watches my child, etc.
And I would ask my mother to do the same!

It would seriously disturb me if one of my siblings, upon hearing I was socialising with certain people, went digging for information about them.

I already give him as little information as possible. And the digging-for-gossip was VERY disturbing to me.

Thanks for all the advice. I will keep my mouth shut with Bro and ask Mom to not tell me these things anymore.

That sounds like about all you can do.  Bro's not likely to change his ways--unfortunately--but you don't have to listen to his nonsense.  He sounds like he has a screw loose.

[Evil Duckie]

Your brother is a jerk. He also is a gossip who loves a good scandal. He also wants control, why else would he work so hard to find anything on Anne and Henry, and he thinks that if he creates enough of a story about Baby S being in a dangerous situation with Anne and Henry and their son that you will do what he wants and this puts him in control. You know this about him so what good would confronting him do, it would only feed his desire for more control in your life.

I would ignore him. I would have a talk with your Mom, not about what he said, but passing information about your family to him. I would give out as little information to your brother as possible and see how your mom is doing on not passing information to him. If she is not passing on information to him then you can continue to share with her, however if she is passing information on to him you will need to cut back how much you share with her.

Something to think on. Why did your brother decide that Anne and Henry were worth him trying to end your friendship with them? Why not others?

[KeenReader]

Pod to the PPs.  Your brother seems to get off on stirring up trouble.

I don't see that any good could come from you confronting him.  I agree with telling your mother not to repeat to you anything he tells her that relates to you.

[JoyinVirginia]

Your brother is a gossip who loves a good scandal. He also wants control... You know this about him so what good would confronting him do, it would only feed his desire for more control in your life... I would ignore him.... If your Mom is passing information on to him you will need to cut back how much you share with her... Why did your brother decide that Anne and Henry were worth him trying to end your friendship with them? Why not others?

I agree with all the prior posters who advise IGNORE. I especially agree with Evil Duckie. I am also curious - why this couple? Or is this only the first time you actually realize/ know how much time Bro has spend doing research on someone you know?
Bro seriously needs a time-consuming hobby.

[shatzie]

Your brother is a gossip who loves a good scandal. He also wants control... You know this about him so what good would confronting him do, it would only feed his desire for more control in your life... I would ignore him.... If your Mom is passing information on to him you will need to cut back how much you share with her... Why did your brother decide that Anne and Henry were worth him trying to end your friendship with them? Why not others?

I agree with all the prior posters who advise IGNORE. I especially agree with Evil Duckie. I am also curious - why this couple? Or is this only the first time you actually realize/ know how much time Bro has spend doing research on someone you know?
Bro seriously needs a time-consuming hobby.

I am a very non-social person. I could go days without talking to anyone but hubby and be perfectly happy. I have very few real friends, and I prefer it that way. My only other good friend is my best friend, who I grew up with. Because we grew up together, bro knows her, and she is someone he approves of. When Henry and Anne came along, bro was miffed because they were not on his 'Approved Friends for Shatzie' list. He hated not being in control of who I'm friends with. Why yes, he is very controlling. 

[Cathy]

He hated not being in control of who I'm friends with. Why yes, he is very controlling. 

In that case, I vote for telling him nothing personal. Ever.