I thanked him, and it was shot down

[HeebyJeebyLeebee]

A couple of weeks ago, I was waiting for the bus to go home from work.  I was standing at the bus stop, and 2 gentlemen chatting approach the bus stop to wait as, continuing their conversation.  The younger man turns to me and asks me a hypothetical question and draws me into the conversation.  It was quite nice and we were laughing and enjoying the chat as we waited.

The younger man eventually reveals that he'd served in the armed forces and was now discharged.  Upon learning that, I said "Thank you for serving."  He said, "Thanks, but I really hate that everyone keeps telling me that.  It feels so fake."  I think I replied something along the lines of, "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.  I have a lot of family that has served or is serving now and I think the work they've done is really important."  and then I beandipped.

I was really surprised.  Has anyone else encountered this attitude?  I'd never been shot down like that.  I'm not really sure how he expected me to respond.  It's more or less the opposite of the responses that I usually get.  I often thank people who have served or are serving in the military, law enforcement, fire departments, EMTs and paramedics, and the like.  I think their work is very important and I'm grateful.  I don't know that I felt insulted by his remark, but I certainly felt diminished and belittled by it.  Obviously, my cousins appreciate the support I show them.  One time I approached a group of 4-5 soldiers at the airport and thanked them.  They seemed touched that a stranger would go out of her way to do that.  So this gentleman's reaction really confused me. 

On the other hand, he expressed an opinion of his.  He didn't call me names or anything like that.  We continued a polite and pleasant conversation.  Other than this one remark, I enjoyed chatting with him at the bus stop and on the bus.  So I don't really want to say he was rude.  Is it possible to be somewhere between polite & rude?

[BBelle]

He was rude.  Regardless of his feelings that those thanks are fake, there is absolutely no excuse to be that ungracious to a total stranger for a statement that, at worst, could only be considered trite.

Because of my own personal experiences (Navy brat, AFROTC, Marine wife, Marine GF, Army GF), I go out of my way to thank services members and give whatever support I can.  I would have been terribly hurt to have my heartfelt thanks thrown back at me in this mannner.

[Little Jo]

Maybe it was just the general "thank you for serving" I think you did great though qualifying it that you too had people in the armed forces.  If he did not want a thank you there were easier ways than saying it seemed fake. Brilliant bean dipping

[Amava]

Well.
I used to think people who had a disability, and lived a full and wonderful life in spite of that, were wonderful and brave and extraordinary.
On this site, however, I have learned that most people who are in this situation, do NOT like to be called brave or anything like that, because, paraphrasing their words "they didn't see it as a choice - what else were they supposed to do, sit crying in a corner?" They saw what they did as normal and got annoyed if other people admired them for it.

Maybe this gentleman feels the same way about the army. Maybe he did not see it as a choice: maybe it was simply what he, to his feeling, had to do with his life. Maybe he sees it as something completely normal and logical for him to do, and does not like to be treated as if he is a big hero or anything.

Or maybe he just means that the phrase has become so overused it makes him queasy, maybe he just simply does think it sounds like a platitude.

[Nox]

He was rude, technically, since you're supposed to take compliments graciously. I can kind of see his point though. I've never been one who liked being complimented unless it was obvious that the person really knew what they were talking about, otherwise it feels sort of facile and superficial. If he's like that and he hears it a lot from people that he doesn't believe, it's going to start to grate. Still, he should have been gracious. A compliment like that might mean a lot to another veteran, and if he goes around shutting people down, he's going to end up decreasing the net positivity of social interactions for himself, but also for others.

Did it make a difference in his apparent attitude when you told him of your family connections to the military and how much that means to you?

In any case, I think you handled the interaction very well.

[aventurine]

I also think you handled it very well, HJL, and I'm really glad you started this thread, because this is a subject that I've been meaning to post for advice on.

I see service members, and I'd like to express my thanks and admiration for what they're doing, but I'm hesitant because of the possibility for a reaction like the one you described.  I always run situations through my head before I act, and I always see this one end up like the one in the OP, so I end up not saying anything.

I wouldn't begin to know what to say that wouldn't sound trite, or like a platitude, or "fake."  Even if the person didn't call me out on it (and I'd hope they wouldn't; that's rude), knowing myself, I'd walk away wondering how I'd come across, feeling awkward and more than likely wishing I hadn't said anything. 

 

[TylerBelle]

He may have heard it so much to where it comes off as cursory and routine. Though as PPs have mentioned, he shouldn't have been ungracious with you. If he'd wanted to vent, he should have done so with people as close friends and family. Perhaps what he did wasn't over the top rude, but made things awkward and uncomfortable until the dipping of the bean. I'm glad you recovered quickly and moved on.

As you mention, I too have thanked persons in authority to aid or rescue (law enforcement, firefighter, medical, etc.), and it's usually a pleasant exchange. Although I think it's tacky when I hear or read about someone doing likewise and the official responds with something like, "No need to thank me, I was just doing my job." I suppose they are going for humble though to me it sounds like they imply, "If I hadn't been on duty, you would have been on your own in that fire. The job made me help you." Just politely accept the thanks and move on.

[sefaeria]

It was rude of him but you carried yourself beautifully with your comment and beandip. I'll admit it's hard to know what the right thing to say is when someone says that to me. Last week, I was waddling around in Supermartstore in my pregnancy issue Air Force uniform. And a sweet older lady caught my arm to tell me thank you for my service to our country. I've never deployed and only done my job whereever I've been sent.
So I taught myself to smile back and say "you're welcome". Because I figure every little good thing a person does can be like a wave and help make the chance for more good things to happen. And it does remind me to say a little prayer for my fellow armed forces who are actively fighting.

[Scout Finch]

I'm hesitant to call him rude, but he was definitely ungracious.  You, on the other hand,  did everything right.

[Balletmom]

I agree, he was ungracious. Perhaps he's dealing with his own issues if he was overseas and now is adjusting to civilian life again.

The OP handled it really nicely.

[Midnight Kitty]

Maybe he didn't serve honorably and spent his time in the service hijacking arms shipments to terrorists

Hey, that's the only explanation I could think of for his lack of tact; He feels guilty because he doesn't think he did anything honorable.

[jpcher]

The younger man eventually reveals that he'd served in the armed forces and was now discharged.  Upon learning that, I said "Thank you for serving."  He said, "Thanks, but I really hate that everyone keeps telling me that.  It feels so fake."

Hesitant to bring this up, because all sorts of stories could be spun from his response.

Maybe he was medically discharged.

Maybe he was sitting at a desk state-side and didn't feel he earned the right to be thanked because he was never deployed.

Maybe he was dishonerably discharged.

Maybe his combat days were so horrible that "Thanks for your service" sounds trite and doesn't compare to what he went through.

Maybe . . . maybe . . . maybe . . . a whole lot of ideas come to mind


I guess the point I'm trying to make is that we should give this man the benefit of the doubt.

HeebyJeebyLeebee, please don't let this one man's comment disway you from giving thanks to the next serviceman that you see.

I think you handled the situation very well.

[afbluebelle]

The younger man eventually reveals that he'd served in the armed forces and was now discharged.  Upon learning that, I said "Thank you for serving."  He said, "Thanks, but I really hate that everyone keeps telling me that.  It feels so fake."

Hesitant to bring this up, because all sorts of stories could be spun from his response.

Maybe he was medically discharged.

Maybe he was sitting at a desk state-side and didn't feel he earned the right to be thanked because he was never deployed.

Maybe he was dishonerably discharged.

Maybe his combat days were so horrible that "Thanks for your service" sounds trite and doesn't compare to what he went through.

Maybe . . . maybe . . . maybe . . . a whole lot of ideas come to mind


I guess the point I'm trying to make is that we should give this man the benefit of the doubt.

HeebyJeebyLeebee, please don't let this one man's comment disway you from giving thanks to the next serviceman that you see.

I think you handled the situation very well.

I'll just agree with this.... I have several friends that dislike being thanked for their service, because it was a huge part of their lives, and they were forced out (injuries)  It just makes then really uncomfortable, because they were close to others who didn't make it, and they don't feel worthy.  He probably didnt mean for it to sound as abrupt as it did.

[HeebyJeebyLeebee]

Thanks for the replies.  He definitely mentioned he'd seen combat.  He mentioned as part of a coversation of racial discrimination and not making assumptions about a person based on skin color.  It was an odd conversation topic to begin with.

Some how I moved the topic to sushi joints in town. So it wasn't bean dip - it was edamame!

[Onyx_TKD]

Maybe he didn't serve honorably and spent his time in the service hijacking arms shipments to terrorists

Hey, that's the only explanation I could think of for his lack of tact; He feels guilty because he doesn't think he did anything honorable.

  I really, really hope you're joking. The only explanation you can think of is that he thinks he served dishonorably?

I've never been in this exact situation, but I have been in situations where I kept hearing the same well-meant compliment over and over from various people I'd met, and it easily got to the point where I wished that particular phrase could be magically removed from the language so that no one could say it to me any more. The soldier shouldn't have said that he thought the OP's thanks sounded fake, but the idea that he could be totally sick of the phrase, even if he was the most honorable war-hero in the world (actually especially if he was, because he would probably have heard it even more), doesn't surprise me a bit.