Author Topic: I can hear you fighting and I can't sleep  (Read 8417 times)

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bah12

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I can hear you fighting and I can't sleep
« on: August 04, 2010, 05:12:51 PM »
We have a fairly large yard and aren't that close (distance or relationship) with our neighbors.  Even though we aren't "friends", we have had no issues with them.  I would estimate the distance at about 25-30 feet between our homes.

Lately, there seems to be a lot of yelling coming from their home.  Even with our windows closed, we can hear the woman of the house yelling and screaming and cursing.  I don't hear any other voices when this happens, though I'm assuming she's arguing with someone (either her husband or her daughter).

It's so bad, that it has woken me up at night (though, thankfully, never the baby).  I also noticed that they keep their windows open.  We sometimes open our windows, but even closed, we can hear the yelling.

I sort of feel the need to bring this up to our neighbor.  Mostly because it's happening almost every night and I'm tired of losing sleep over this. 
It doesn't seem like a good idea to go over there while it's happening (I never approach a fight), nor does it seem like it's bad enough (at this point) to call the police.

A note seems PA, but I'm sort of leaning that way.

How would you approach this?  Leave a note?  Anonymously or not? Or approach the homeowners when things seem calm?  And what exactly do you say if you approach them in person?

The last thing in the world I want to do is make it worse.  I just think that maybe they don't realize how load they are and how far the voices carry.

sisbam

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Re: I can hear you fighting and I can't sleep
« Reply #1 on: August 04, 2010, 05:33:59 PM »
You can call the next day or go over there if you want to and ask if everything is okay, but I have a feeling you don't want to/shouldn't be touching this with a ten foot pole.

There is nothing wrong with calling the police. They are violating noise laws more than likely, and, supposedly, you are concerned for everyone involved.

WillyNilly

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Re: I can hear you fighting and I can't sleep
« Reply #2 on: August 04, 2010, 05:42:15 PM »
If you do approach, I'd be very general, sort of along the lines of "so I'm not sure if you had guests or maybe just the TV turned up really loud, but I just wanted to mention the noise carries. I just thought you might want to be aware in case someday its something private."  That way you are implying you don't know what was said, or by whom, but are simply letting her know you can hear her.

But honestly, so long as there are any other neighbors in the area, I'd call the cops if this is happening late at night and waking you up.  The police are trained in dealing with domestic disturbances, which is exactly what this sounds like.

Chinchillazilla

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Re: I can hear you fighting and I can't sleep
« Reply #3 on: August 04, 2010, 05:52:16 PM »
I don't think leaving an anonymous note would be PA as long as it wasn't snippy. I'm just not sure it would work (though it's probably what I would do first, as I'm bad with confrontations).

I do think calling the police is a good idea, though. If they're consistently so loud that it's waking the neighbors, it seems somehow more dangerous than a regular argument, you know what I mean? If someone is that mad almost every night, obviously whatever they're doing isn't working.
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BettyDraper

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Re: I can hear you fighting and I can't sleep
« Reply #4 on: August 04, 2010, 05:56:02 PM »
What time is it when you hear their voices?

Squeaks

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Re: I can hear you fighting and I can't sleep
« Reply #5 on: August 04, 2010, 05:59:55 PM »
Be very careful about calling the police.  Some jurisdiction have default policies that someone *has* to be arrested for all domestic calls.  You could really wreak havoc on their lives for years and years be involving the cops.  Basically until it is bad enough that you don't care if they get fired and get foreclosed/evicted, don't call the cops.  That is a pretty harsh consequence for being loud.

No, not every time people are loudly arguing do they need separating.   This is coming from someone how can very spirited and loud and it is more likely i am debating if Mars or the Moon has more merits for exploration than that anyone is in any danger or that anyone is even angry, just having a fun debate. . . . yes i am that much of a nerd.   Not no every raised voice requires people to need to cool off.

WillyNilly's idea is good as you can keep it neutral and non-accusatory.  Really there is a good chance that they just don't know how much their voice carries.  

Wulfie

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Re: I can hear you fighting and I can't sleep
« Reply #6 on: August 04, 2010, 06:19:04 PM »
Call the police.  I just took a class on Crime Free Housing and the officer that conducted the class was a former battered spouse and she was a POLICE OFFICER AT THE TIME!  She said that it is always the correct thing to do to call the cops on this kind of thing. It may be the litteral cry for help that the spouse being battered needs but is afraid or embarrassed (as in her case) to try to get the help they need. Also, the battered spouse is not always the woman. It could be the man as well and they are even less likely to get the help that they need.

Sharnita

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Re: I can hear you fighting and I can't sleep
« Reply #7 on: August 04, 2010, 06:20:53 PM »
Be very careful about calling the police.  Some jurisdiction have default policies that someone *has* to be arrested for all domestic calls.  You could really wreak havoc on their lives for years and years be involving the cops.  Basically until it is bad enough that you don't care if they get fired and get foreclosed/evicted, don't call the cops.  That is a pretty harsh consequence for being loud.

No, not every time people are loudly arguing do they need separating.   This is coming from someone how can very spirited and loud and it is more likely i am debating if Mars or the Moon has more merits for exploration than that anyone is in any danger or that anyone is even angry, just having a fun debate. . . . yes i am that much of a nerd.   Not no every raised voice requires people to need to cool off.

WillyNilly's idea is good as you can keep it neutral and non-accusatory.  Really there is a good chance that they just don't know how much their voice carries.  

Wouldn't it be a disturbance/noise call?

Orisha

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Re: I can hear you fighting and I can't sleep
« Reply #8 on: August 04, 2010, 07:48:08 PM »
I'd call the police.  It's definitely a noise violation.  We lived near a couple like that several years ago.  The only reason the cops did more than warn them was because the couple was high on something and there was evidence of a physical fight. 

mj

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Re: I can hear you fighting and I can't sleep
« Reply #9 on: August 04, 2010, 10:10:20 PM »
I'd call the police too.  Under no circumstances would I approach them directly.  Even dropping off a note, just no.  Especially if this could be a domestic violence issue.

I had a really bad experience once with this when I lived in an apt.  It was a very small building -- only 8 rental units. Everyone knew everyone and it was a nice little, comfortable place to live. Anyway, a new couple moved in and as the units were small they turned their living room into their baby room.  They also used the cry it out method.  Didn't turn out so well.  Anyway, the entire building was annoyed and/or upset to varying degrees about this because *everyone* could hear the child during the night.  Very poorly insulated walls.  And well, they let him cry it out - so some nights it would be a couple 20 minute crying jags, others an hour.  You get the drift, the entire building was on baby night time drill.

So I talked to the couple, I said everything as nicely as I could.  The mother was MAD and thought I was commenting on her parenting skills about the cry it out method -- which I didn't even mention! It was more b/c they used the living room which amplified everything due to the design of the building.  Anyway, it wasn't worth it to me.  She didn't change anything and she made it uncomfortable for me to live there.  Dirty looks, nasty comments, talked to the other neighbors about me.  Never again.    

« Last Edit: August 04, 2010, 10:14:32 PM by mj »

Dindrane

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Re: I can hear you fighting and I can't sleep
« Reply #10 on: August 04, 2010, 10:21:43 PM »
Since it sounds like an argument, I'd be wary of going over there even not in the middle of one.  I just think there's a lot of potential for that to end really badly, and not much potential for it actually changing anything for the better.

I also think that calling the police with a noise complaint would be entirely appropriate.  If it's loud enough that you get woken up in the middle of the night when you are inside your own house, then there's a good chance it's breaking local noise ordinances.


Hushabye

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Re: I can hear you fighting and I can't sleep
« Reply #11 on: August 04, 2010, 11:57:47 PM »
Since it sounds like an argument, I'd be wary of going over there even not in the middle of one.  I just think there's a lot of potential for that to end really badly, and not much potential for it actually changing anything for the better.

I also think that calling the police with a noise complaint would be entirely appropriate.  If it's loud enough that you get woken up in the middle of the night when you are inside your own house, then there's a good chance it's breaking local noise ordinances.

I agree completely.

Squeaks

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Re: I can hear you fighting and I can't sleep
« Reply #12 on: August 05, 2010, 09:16:08 AM »
Call the police.  I just took a class on Crime Free Housing and the officer that conducted the class was a former battered spouse and she was a POLICE OFFICER AT THE TIME!  She said that it is always the correct thing to do to call the cops on this kind of thing. It may be the litteral cry for help that the spouse being battered needs but is afraid or embarrassed (as in her case) to try to get the help they need. Also, the battered spouse is not always the woman. It could be the man as well and they are even less likely to get the help that they need.


And this is exactally why I will probably never call the cops in a situation like this!  Why jump the the conclusion automatically that someone is being "battered"?  Why assume that every loud fight has someone that needs help?  That is not a road I am willing to go down, at all, whatsoever.  Id rather 100 spouses get battered than one loud and spirited couple get their lives turned upside down because people want to assume there is abuse.

I am not saying we should all be able to scream like kids at the pool, but sometimes yelling really should be treated more like loud music than abuse.


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Re: I can hear you fighting and I can't sleep
« Reply #13 on: August 05, 2010, 09:22:17 AM »
As someone who spent several years being used as a punchbag...I would advise calling the police. Even if the couple are merely having loud (and genuinely non-abusive) arguments, then an official reminder to Keep It Down is needed.

Id rather 100 spouses get battered than one loud and spirited couple get their lives turned upside down because people want to assume there is abuse.

Wow.

And this is exactally why I will probably never call the cops in a situation like this!
[...]
I am not saying we should all be able to scream like kids at the pool, but sometimes yelling really should be treated more like loud music than abuse.

If my neighbours were playing ridiculously loud music at all hours, and didn't stop, I'd certainly be calling the coppers (on the non-emergency line) then too.

tnpenguinbaby

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Re: I can hear you fighting and I can't sleep
« Reply #14 on: August 05, 2010, 09:28:01 AM »
I'd rather 100 spouses get battered than one loud and spirited couple get their lives turned upside down because people want to assume there is abuse.

 :o ???

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