Finding out via FB?!

[stargazergirl74]

I'm not sure if this really goes here or under Family & Children. Mods, please move if needed.

I really would like some input from unbiased, etiquette savvy people. I am so furious right now, I can barely see straight.

b/g: my sister has been married to her husband (BIL) for almost 11 years. They have had their ups and downs and have been to counseling for quite some time. All of our family and close friends are aware of their problems. end b/g.

So, the past week or so has been REALLY bad. BIL has decided today to end it. Okay, fine. It happens and truthfully, I think they will both be better off, as will their two children. I did not find out this info from my sister though, I found out when I logged onto FB and saw the status update by my BIL on his page. You know the ones that everyone can see on their news feed? And he has continued to post updates, that although to some, might be vague, anyone who really knows them, knows exactly what it means. The latest is a link to a music video of the song that was their first dance at their wedding and he left a comment about how it used to mean something, but not anymore.

I have not commented on a single post, because I'm not sure I should say ANYTHING and also because I'm so angry, I want to make sure that anything I do say (if I do) isn't rude. Should I leave a comment suggesting (politely of course) that FB is not the appropriate place to be airing this kind of info? Should I send a private message? Or should I ignore,ignore,ignore. If I should say something, I am looking for suggestions because I don't quite trust myself right now.

[Bibliophile]

I would let it go.  You can't control what your BIL or future ex-BIL posts on his FB page.  I would call your sister though and give her a shoulder to cry on/person to vent to.

[Sheila Take a Bow]

Don't say anything -- he's looking for drama, don't reward him.  Ignore him as if he were a toddler throwing a tantrum.

Defriend him.  If you're not ready to do that, hide his newsfeed.

Sorry he's being horrible.

[immadz]

I would ignore this. Your BIL is either doing this because he needs his friends to support him or because he finds it cathartic. Don't take it as a personal insult to either your sister or yourself.

[Roe]

He sounds like my cousin's ex.  He's a dramallama.  Don't engage.  It's not worth it.

[Brentwood]

Yes, you should ignore him.

Try not to be upset that you didn't hear it from your sister first - she may have been planning to tell you her own way or possibly wasn't ready yet, but she can't control what he says on his page either.

[Amava]

I would ignore this. Your BIL is either doing this because he needs his friends to support him or because he finds it cathartic. Don't take it as a personal insult to either your sister or yourself.

I agree with this.

I don't agree that he's a drama llama or a tantrumming toddler. He is a man going through a loss, and sharing his thoughts and feelings with his friends. He is in distress. Maybe he has brought this situation upon himself, and maybe not - I'm not in a position to judge that.

I can imagine that it is hard for you, Stargazergirl, to read his posts, because you are on your sister's side; the best thing for you to do is to hide him from your newsfeed or delete him from your friends list.

[Twik]

But he's not just sharing them with his friends. He's sharing them with the whole wide world. He is not limiting it to people who care, or who want to know. (One's inlaws REALLY don't need to know exactly how you're feeling about breaking up with their daughter/sister/cousin/aunt).

If he needs to pour out his heart, he should call up his best buddy, and have a long talk. This is not a way to get private support - it's a public "poor me, pity me" party.

[Viscountess]

Ignore him.  Your BIL sounds like he wants drama or for people to pity him. 

[stargazergirl74]

But he's not just sharing them with his friends. He's sharing them with the whole wide world. He is not limiting it to people who care, or who want to know. (One's inlaws REALLY don't need to know exactly how you're feeling about breaking up with their daughter/sister/cousin/aunt).

If he needs to pour out his heart, he should call up his best buddy, and have a long talk. This is not a way to get private support - it's a public "poor me, pity me" party.

This is how I feel Twik. Another one of his status updates says, simply, "D-Day!". He is behaving like a 12 year old. He just can't see past his own nose. I have no idea if my sister has seen any of this. I would really just like to tell him to please have some class.

[Amava]

Not with the whole wide world. With his friends list.
If you add people to your friends list on facebook, you subject yourself to seeing the things they want to share with their friends. While I myself am a very private person who only puts non-sensitive (not to be confused with "nonsensical"! ) things on my status, I do not expect other people to treat facebook the same way. For many people on my friends list, their facebook status is a way of sharing their feelings with their circle of facebook friends. If this makes me uncomfortable, I have two options: I can either hide them from my feed, or I can not add them / delete them from my friends list. I do not get to dictate how they should use their facebook.

[immadz]

Not with the whole wide world. With his friends list.
If you add people to your friends list on facebook, you subject yourself to seeing the things they want to share with their friends. While I myself am a very private person who only puts non-sensitive (not to be confused with "nonsensical"! ) things on my status, I do not expect other people to treat facebook the same way. For many people on my friends list, their facebook status is a way of sharing their feelings with their circle of facebook friends. If this makes me uncomfortable, I have two options: I can either hide them from my feed, or I can not add them / delete them from my friends list. I do not get to dictate how they should use their facebook.

pod!

[stargazergirl74]

I realize I can't (and shouldn't) dictate what people put up on their FB walls. I am just very disappointed in his behavior. It does, however, reaffirm that my sister is way better off without him. I will not be saying anything to him.

[hobish]

But he's not just sharing them with his friends. He's sharing them with the whole wide world. He is not limiting it to people who care, or who want to know. (One's inlaws REALLY don't need to know exactly how you're feeling about breaking up with their daughter/sister/cousin/aunt).

If he needs to pour out his heart, he should call up his best buddy, and have a long talk. This is not a way to get private support - it's a public "poor me, pity me" party.

Amen. He is being ridiculously immature and childish to air that kind of thing on a social networking site.  I would be angry and disgusted if my BIL of 11 years did that, too. It's ugly enough in teenagers; that kind of behavior from a grown man is even worse. He ought to be ashamed of himself.

That said ... i think the best thing you can do is ignore him. Don't feed the drama and don't become part of the public airing of family laundry. {{{hugs}}} I know it can't be easy.

Yes, you should ignore him.

Try not to be upset that you didn't hear it from your sister first - she may have been planning to tell you her own way or possibly wasn't ready yet, but she can't control what he says on his page either.

I was thinking that, too. I don't know if you're mad at your sis for not telling you; but i hope not. There are plenty of reasons she might not wanted to talk about it yet.



ETA: We were posting at about the same time, so i didn't see you say already that you don't plan on contacting him, sorry.

[stargazergirl74]

Hobish, oh gosh no, I'm not mad at my sister. I talked to her yesterday and she told me that they may be splitting up. She told me that BIL had an appointment with their counselor today, so it sounded like a split was imminent. I'm not surprised by the split. I just think it was really uncool of him to "announce" it on FB before she had a chance to tell people closest to her, personally. He is acting very impulsively and he needs to stop and think about other people. As another example, he got mad at my sister last week and had her cell phone shut off without telling her. He didn't even stop to think of her safety (like when she is getting off work at 2:30 in the morning and driving home, or when she takes the kids to visit our dad who lives over an hour away and the route takes them through very rural areas). Or that he was going to pick up the kids from our dads, take them home and start packing his stuff (because I'm sure it would be very beneficial for their 4yo twins to watch him pack up?) Hopefully, he will soon get a clue.