Author Topic: Gracefully handling a bait-and-switch  (Read 10884 times)

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supernova

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Gracefully handling a bait-and-switch
« on: August 05, 2010, 01:59:33 PM »
Modified to remove personal data.
« Last Edit: January 29, 2012, 09:59:00 PM by starsaphire »

Amava

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Re: Gracefully handling a bait-and-switch
« Reply #1 on: August 05, 2010, 02:06:53 PM »
Now, I'm willing to grant that the fellow in the picture I received was the age that this gentleman's profile claims that he is now.  I'm further willing to stipulate that the guy in the photo and the guy I met for coffee are likely one and the same person.  However…  I think a minimum of a decade has passed between the time of the photo and the time of the coffee.  Probably significantly more than a decade.

So, let me try to see if I understood this correctly.
Simply phrased:
He has posted a pic that you think was taken 10 years ago, and he is claiming to be 10 years younger than you think he really is?

Is that it? Cause I got a little confused.

MadMadge43

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Re: Gracefully handling a bait-and-switch
« Reply #2 on: August 05, 2010, 02:11:48 PM »
I think that's it. He posted a picture of a 35 year old man, says he's 35, but a 45 year old was on the date.


I actually think it would be fair to point it out in the "no sparks" e-mail. Just say something like, I was expecting something different. I wouldn't mind the age you actually are, I just felt uncomfortable being led astray.

He may think he gets a bunch of dates from it and have to wonder why he doesn't get a second date.

MommyPenguin

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Re: Gracefully handling a bait-and-switch
« Reply #3 on: August 05, 2010, 02:17:43 PM »
Yeah, I think I'd say something, especially as you have a way to contact him without meeting up in person, so if he gets angry about it you don't have to worry.  I'd point out what you said here.  And, honestly, I don't think there's anything wrong with being a bit "ageist" about one's romantic partners.  People who are vastly different in age are at different periods of their lives, have different life expectancies, and it would make a big difference if one expected to have children (a 45-year-old man can still have children, but it may be more difficult for him than it would for a 35-year-old, plus it will be harder for him to run around after them as they get older, and given natural life expectancies, chances are that he might die when they are still on the young side--and if we were talking the reverse, a woman presenting herself as 35 and really being 45-50, the fertility thing would be an even bigger issue).  So I think it's fine to state that you were expecting somebody closer to your age and time of life, etc., and that you're not interested in continuing to date somebody willing to misrepresent himself in order to get dates.  A little harsh, but it might make a difference.

VorFemme

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Re: Gracefully handling a bait-and-switch
« Reply #4 on: August 05, 2010, 02:18:51 PM »
I think that she is indeed saying that the guy in the picture was at least ten years older than he was claiming on his profile.   There are times when a ten year difference is moot - but if you can't recognize the photo as being of the same person............

Well, Peter Pan and Dorian Gray were about the only two guys I can think of who didn't change much in appearance after a decade or two.  And they are FICTION!

When I was dating (and that has been a lot more than ten years ago) in high school and college, ten years would have been about half my lifetime.  Which is a HUGE difference in experience (or ought to be - if someone hasn't learned anything in ten years, then they aren't doing much with their life - but that's my own experience).  

I'd be wary of someone who prevaricated (or lied) on their profile (or job resume, if it came to that) to that degree because I would be wondering what else they had lied about.  Their HIV status, being single............their mental health - if they are denying how old they are.  Their physical health if they are telling the truth..........

Something is going on - but what?
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Animala

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Re: Gracefully handling a bait-and-switch
« Reply #5 on: August 05, 2010, 02:25:45 PM »
I don't think there is anything wrong with asking when a picture was taken when you exchange pictures.  I do think it is odd that he would use a picture old enough that you aren't completely sure it is the same person.  Considering that I think you should be able to bow out of it, although I'm not sure how you would do it gracefully.  As for the difference in appearance I would says something, perhaps in the form of a joke, "I almost didn't recognize you." although I'm not sure it is needed. I would imagine he knows exactly what he did.

Namárië

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Re: Gracefully handling a bait-and-switch
« Reply #6 on: August 05, 2010, 02:26:35 PM »
I actually think it would be fair to point it out in the "no sparks" e-mail. Just say something like, I was expecting something different. I wouldn't mind the age you actually are, I just felt uncomfortable being led astray.


I agree. I don't think there is anything wrong with saying that perhaps he should use a more recent photo, because he doesn't look like the one he sent.
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Twik

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Re: Gracefully handling a bait-and-switch
« Reply #7 on: August 05, 2010, 02:40:09 PM »
I think the "no spark" answer is perhaps best, because if there *were* sparks, the photo wouldn't be an issue.

 Maybe he's thinking "Well, at least this way I get a first date, otherwise I don't even get that far, and no one will ever see the real me." Or perhaps he's the sort of person who doesn't actually notice he's changed over the years. (Trust me - once you get into the mumblemumble decade, time goes so fast that a 10-yo photo really does feel "recent".)

And then again, maybe he's the sort who doesn't put much stock in the truth. I'd find that more offputting than an age difference, myself.
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ilrag

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Re: Gracefully handling a bait-and-switch
« Reply #8 on: August 05, 2010, 04:28:13 PM »
I think it's totally bizarre that he used a photo *that* old.  Or not him at all.

Of course I would also make a point to use a picture more recent then 3 years ago.  Even if it's a picture you love and it's what you still look like a few months old at the most seems reasonable for on line dating.

Queen of Clubs

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Re: Gracefully handling a bait-and-switch
« Reply #9 on: August 05, 2010, 04:41:05 PM »
Sorry for the confusion.  My mind was stretching for ways to try to make the picture fit the person.

I'm saying that I'm *pretty* sure he was the guy in the picture, but if so, the picture was at least ten (more like fifteen or twenty) years out of date.  Or perhaps it was a recent picture of a close male relative (son, nephew, etc.) who is of the age my date was claiming to be.  I have no way of knowing, because I didn't ask, and I'm not going to.

Hope that helps clarify.  :)

If I've got this straight, the guy claimed to be x age, sent you a photo (possibly of him) of a guy approximately x age, but was actually 15-20 years older than he claimed to be?  Yeah, I'd be bothered, and rather angry.  If he's lying about his age, I'd wonder what else he was lying about.

merryns

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Re: Gracefully handling a bait-and-switch
« Reply #10 on: August 05, 2010, 06:01:39 PM »
When I was doing online dating one of my few rules was no men whose age range for dates did not overlap their own age. Considering age peer women to be too old seemed a sign of not wanting an equal partner

DavidH

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Re: Gracefully handling a bait-and-switch
« Reply #11 on: August 05, 2010, 07:10:17 PM »
The polite way out is saying that there is no spark and leave it there.  I think it is fine to excuse yourself very early on in a live meeting and say that you don't see this working out if the person is much older or otherwise very different than their photo, particularly if you can't even recognize them.

On the other hand, most people will try to choose a flattering photo so I wouldn't aim for them to be truly identical (thinking they might have had their hair freshly cut or a guy could have grown or cut facial hair).

It's hard to imagine not knowing that your picture was quite old, so telling him that is probably unnecessary. 

Miss March

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Re: Gracefully handling a bait-and-switch
« Reply #12 on: August 05, 2010, 08:29:25 PM »
I found it pretty cheeky of him that he listened while you apologized that your photo was a few years old, and that he didn't use that opportunity to say "Actually, my photo is a bit old as well, just so you know."
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Raintree

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Re: Gracefully handling a bait-and-switch
« Reply #13 on: August 05, 2010, 11:12:57 PM »
Quote
I don't like the idea of rejecting someone on appearance, because it's happened to me far too many times, and I don't feel good about my lack of interest being centered on "he looks too old."

Actually, I see nothing wrong with that. There has to be SOME attraction for it to work, and if you are simply not attracted to men with (for example) blue hair, or too muscular, or too fat, or too skinny, or of a certain race/ethnicity, or who are 10-20 years older than yourself, then you are not attracted, and you have every right not to be attracted to someone for whatever reason it happens to be.

I probably would have left it just as you did: "Thanks for the lovely time; we are not a match, good luck in your search." There is no need to explain why, any more than you need to explain why to a man you weren't attracted to because of how he behaved towards the waiter, or some other annoying personality trait.

However, if he tries to question it, he is just ASKING for a critique: "Well actually, I thought it was rather dishonest of you to provide a picture that is clearly from at least a decade ago."

Quote
Or perhaps he's the sort of person who doesn't actually notice he's changed over the years. (Trust me - once you get into the mumblemumble decade, time goes so fast that a 10-yo photo really does feel "recent".)

This is true too. Perhaps he has NO perception of how much he's changed, and he just thought it was the most flattering one he could find.


magician5

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Re: Gracefully handling a bait-and-switch
« Reply #14 on: August 06, 2010, 07:47:11 AM »
Appearance is a very legitimate element of attraction (or lack thereof). Who can say what else goes into the mysterious stew we call "chemistry"?

You are not rejecting him solely on appearance, and even if you were, it would be legit. Get this straight: YOU ARE A DECENT AND HONEST PERSON, and you are clearly checking your own motivations to make sure you're not a shallow woman just looking for a "hunk". I think you'd agree with my guess that the issue isn't even "not good-looking enough," but instead it's more like "doesn't add up to my kinda guy". And then there's that issue of the very very old photo (is that classic online-dating-FAIL or what?)

You met the guy, and the chemistry wasn't there, and you're aware that appearance is a big element of the failed experiment ... so what? You don't have to spell out why you're not turned on, it's really kinder and much simpler to give no reason at all and simply say "thanks, but no thanks" to any suggestion of another date.
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