Gracefully handling a bait-and-switch

[Winterlight]

I think the fact that he lied by omission would put me off dating him. It's not an issue of age, it's about honesty.

[pierrotlunaire0]

I found it pretty cheeky of him that he listened while you apologized that your photo was a few years old, and that he didn't use that opportunity to say "Actually, my photo is a bit old as well, just so you know."

That bothered me as well, in that you opened the door to be honest about it, but he didn't act on it.  So, is he not completely honest, or just crazy?  Either answer is not good, but I also am unsure how to deal with it.  My usual MO would be to provide the opportunity, but that was where he already failed.  Perhaps just mention that he might want to get a better photo, in that "the one you posted doesn't do you justice.  I almost didn't recognize you when I saw you in person." 

At the very least, it might prompt him to check it with someone who already knows him.  "Gee, dad, that photo was taken when I was born, and I'm in college!"

[Tigger]

OP -

I had this happen to me once and I tell you what I did. 

I met a man on-line (pre DH of course) and we chatted for a few weeks.  We set up a coffee date and agreed upon date and time.  I arrived 15 minutes early and then he came about 10 minutes later.  He did NOT look anything like his photo.  So after he introduced himself I politely got up and said thank you but I'll be leaveing now and walked away.  He came running after me and asked what was going on. When I asked him if he used his photo on the website he sheepishly admitted he didn't that he used his friends.
I told him point blank he knew he was going to meet me, he knew I'd figure out that wasn't his photo why did he not say anything? 
He told me he was embarrased.  I explained that he was going to lie right off the bat about what he looked like then how did I know he wouldn't lie about anything else??

I left that day and never had contact with him again.  I have no patience for people who lie.  Yes looks do matter to a degree because you have to be attracted to the person you're with.  Like art I believe attractivness is subjective.  Some people find me attractive while others do not.  Same for my DH.  If you are to embarrassed about your looks you need to deal with those issues first before you bring someone else to the table.

[CrayonOutlines]

I think the "no sparks" response is sufficient.  It's not your job to help him in his dating career down the line.

I'm 5'9" and it irks me when a man lists his height as something 5'9" or above, yet I can see the top of his head when I'm wearing flats.  I just want to say, "Did you think I wouldn't notice?"  But it's nothing to argue about -- that just prolongs the amount of time before I'm free of him.  "No sparks."  Lather, rinse, repeat.

[Queen of Clubs]

Or perhaps he's the sort of person who doesn't actually notice he's changed over the years. (Trust me - once you get into the mumblemumble decade, time goes so fast that a 10-yo photo really does feel "recent".)

This is true too. Perhaps he has NO perception of how much he's changed, and he just thought it was the most flattering one he could find.

But he lied on his profile about his age.  According to the OP, his photo matched the age he claimed to be, but he was actually 15-20 years older than that.

And it's the lying that I find so objectionable.  Flattering photo?  Sure!  Lying about his age to such an extent?  What else is he lying about?

[Emmy]

I wonder what people are thinking when they lie about their appearance, age, or other things on online dating profiles.  Do they think they would lure the person in with their charm, wonderful personality, ect., that when the person to whom they are talking to does find out the truth, they will be able to overlook it?  Most of the time it backfires and the person who was tricked feels cheated and angry.  It is better to put your real self out there.  Attraction is an important part of chemistry when dating.  It would be much better to expose your real self on the internet and get fewer responses from those interested in the real you rather than get several people interested in a false illusion you create only to have them be disappointed when they do meet you.

Even with fairly recent pictures, it still is hard to get an exact idea of what somebody really does look like in person.  Most people look a little different than I imagined them from their pictures, but the pictures definitely gave me a rough idea of what they looked like.  People do tend to discriminate on looks when dating and I don't think it is shallow or makes anybody a bad person.  Most people don't aim for perfection in looks, but need to have physical attraction with somebody in order to have a romantic relationship.  Of course what is considered attractive is in the eye of the beholder.  I also think physical attraction can develop over time (in least in women).  The problem with that is I would rather not date somebody unless the attraction is there so if I don't feel physical attraction on the first date, I don't opt for a second.   

[Raintree]

Or perhaps he's the sort of person who doesn't actually notice he's changed over the years. (Trust me - once you get into the mumblemumble decade, time goes so fast that a 10-yo photo really does feel "recent".)

This is true too. Perhaps he has NO perception of how much he's changed, and he just thought it was the most flattering one he could find.

But he lied on his profile about his age.  According to the OP, his photo matched the age he claimed to be, but he was actually 15-20 years older than that.

And it's the lying that I find so objectionable.  Flattering photo?  Sure!  Lying about his age to such an extent?  What else is he lying about?

I agree with you; what was he thinking? Probably something along the lines of "I know I'm older than what she is looking for, but if I at least trick her into a meeting, she'll realize how great I am and give me a chance."  I'd be really annoyed. But I'm leaving open the possibility that he was also delusional and THOUGHT he looked like his old picture. Also, I wonder if there is any chance he really was the age he claimed to be but just looked old? I am constantly amazed at how much older some of my former classmates look when I see them or their pictures on Facebook. And I am in awe of the fact that they are exactly the same age as me and look so aged. (Some of them, anyway).

[VorFemme]

In my thirties, I ran into one of the cheerleaders from a former school - my age.  She was cute & blonde in high school - she was still sorta blonde, but sunbathing & smoking had done things to her skin that made her look much older IMO than the 35 years old that I was.

I have no idea which of us *SHE* thought looked older though.................

[pierrotlunaire0]

I once answered a (non-photo) ad for a man who described himself as extremely handsome in his ad.  In person, however, he was a "meh."

It was such a total disconnect for me that it was one of the reasons I chose to end it after that first meeting (there were other reasons, but it was all in the line of something a little off to me).

Then there was the guy who on the phone said, "Well, I wouldn't say I was handsome, but I haven't noticed any visible gagging when I enter the room either."  Bottom line: both men were average in looks, and I would rate their physical appearance about the same, but the second guy was so funny and charming that we hit it off great.

It's that disconnect - either lying or crazy - that causes a problem for me.

[PeasNCues]

I've had this happen to me before and I just leave. I just tell them why I am leaving and that I don't want to waste anybody's time since they couldn't be honest from the get-go.

I've had guys tell me that it is to "weed out who is shallow" - thus accusing me of being shallow because I leave. I think they think that a girl who is not shallow would not leave because it wouldn't matter to them that the picture is different. But to me, how they look is not the issue - as PPs said it's the dishonesty.

[Granny Takes a Trip]

I think the "no spark" answer is perhaps best, because if there *were* sparks, the photo wouldn't be an issue.

 Maybe he's thinking "Well, at least this way I get a first date, otherwise I don't even get that far, and no one will ever see the real me." Or perhaps he's the sort of person who doesn't actually notice he's changed over the years. (Trust me - once you get into the mumblemumble decade, time goes so fast that a 10-yo photo really does feel "recent".)

And then again, maybe he's the sort who doesn't put much stock in the truth. I'd find that more offputting than an age difference, myself.

POD. Saphie, would you have been interested in him had he not lied about his age? I have a good reason for asking. I am 26, and in a very happy relationship with a man in my age group. However, I have been attracted to men who were much older than me. When I was 21, I had an affair with a 48 year old. He never lied about his age, and our breaking up had nothing to do with that.  I really think his lies are the worst thing about this situation, and if I were you, I would not hesitiate to tell him so.

[ilrag]

You can always just call them out right away. 

Oh?  If you're ____ then who was in the picture?

If they say "me"

You can say "when?"

If there's that big of a difference it's a fair question to ask.

[Raintree]

I've had guys tell me that it is to "weed out who is shallow" - thus accusing me of being shallow because I leave.

Oh please. "And I'm weeding out who is dishonest."

[LifeOnPluto]

I'd tell him "You look different in your photo than you do in person."

Hopefully that would leave the door open for him to admit the photo was taken several years ago (or that the photo is actually of a close relative!)

However, if he didn't respond, and tried to change the subject, I'd follow up by casually asking when the photo was taken. If he insisted that it was taken recently, I'd try to find out more about his recent life. Eg has he been through an illness or a stressful event that might have made him look older? If not, than I'd assume he was lying, and make some excuse to cut the date short.

[noexitwounds]

I think the fact that he lied by omission would put me off d@ting him. It's not an issue of age, it's about honesty.

It's even worse because he didn't lie by omission. He put on his profile that he was X age, let's say 32, and the picture he put up looked pretty much like what he claimed his age was. However, meeting in person he looked more like 48 and significantly different from that photo.

OP, yes, you can call the meeting short.

Him: "Hey, nice to meet you. *offers hand*"
You: "Hello. You know what? I don't feel comfortable going through with this meeting. You were clearly lying on your profile -- you look almost nothing like your picture OR the age you posted -- and I have no interest in dating, or being friends with, liars. Have a good day. *walks out*"

Someone who lies from the get-go is going to lie later too and that's the last thing anyone wants to date.