Author Topic: Gracefully handling a bait-and-switch  (Read 10348 times)

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Sirius

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Re: Gracefully handling a bait-and-switch
« Reply #30 on: August 09, 2010, 03:23:58 PM »
I think that she is indeed saying that the guy in the picture was at least ten years older than he was claiming on his profile.   There are times when a ten year difference is moot - but if you can't recognize the photo as being of the same person............

Well, Peter Pan and Dorian Gray were about the only two guys I can think of who didn't change much in appearance after a decade or two.  And they are FICTION!

When I was d@ting (and that has been a lot more than ten years ago) in high school and college, ten years would have been about half my lifetime.  Which is a HUGE difference in experience (or ought to be - if someone hasn't learned anything in ten years, then they aren't doing much with their life - but that's my own experience).  

I'd be wary of someone who prevaricated (or lied) on their profile (or job resume, if it came to that) to that degree because I would be wondering what else they had lied about.  Their HIV status, being single............their mental health - if they are denying how old they are.  Their physical health if they are telling the truth..........

Something is going on - but what?

When I first met Mr. Sirius, I couldn't tell how old he was.  He was bald on top, but his face was so young-looking that I was wondering if he was as young as 25.  Since I was 37 I would have had a bit of a problem with that big of an age difference.  So, when we actually started dating, I asked him point-blank how old he was.  He was 34.  Sure didn't look it.  Now he has a beard, and we look more like contemporaries. 

I think, though, that someone who represents themselves as being younger than they actually are is lying, pure and simple. 

Danismom

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Re: Gracefully handling a bait-and-switch
« Reply #31 on: August 09, 2010, 03:37:54 PM »
In addition to what PPs have said, I might inform the administrators of the site about your experience.  Different sites will handle this differently, of course, and many won't do anything at all.  However, if it is one of the few that takes an active interest, you might give them a heads up about the fraud being perpetrated on their site -- and you just might save another young woman from going through the same uncomfortable experience.

VorFemme

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Re: Gracefully handling a bait-and-switch
« Reply #32 on: August 09, 2010, 03:54:46 PM »
I think that she is indeed saying that the guy in the picture was at least ten years older than he was claiming on his profile.   There are times when a ten year difference is moot - but if you can't recognize the photo as being of the same person............

Well, Peter Pan and Dorian Gray were about the only two guys I can think of who didn't change much in appearance after a decade or two.  And they are FICTION!

When I was d@ting (and that has been a lot more than ten years ago) in high school and college, ten years would have been about half my lifetime.  Which is a HUGE difference in experience (or ought to be - if someone hasn't learned anything in ten years, then they aren't doing much with their life - but that's my own experience).   

I'd be wary of someone who prevaricated (or lied) on their profile (or job resume, if it came to that) to that degree because I would be wondering what else they had lied about.  Their HIV status, being single............their mental health - if they are denying how old they are.  Their physical health if they are telling the truth..........

Something is going on - but what?

When I first met Mr. Sirius, I couldn't tell how old he was.  He was bald on top, but his face was so young-looking that I was wondering if he was as young as 25.  Since I was 37 I would have had a bit of a problem with that big of an age difference.  So, when we actually started d@ting, I asked him point-blank how old he was.  He was 34.  Sure didn't look it.  Now he has a beard, and we look more like contemporaries. 

I think, though, that someone who represents themselves as being younger than they actually are is lying, pure and simple. 

But are they trying to lie to "you" (generic) or themselves?  If they really think that they can "pass" for that age (and it's a decade or three younger than they really are) - does anyone want to deal with someone who is refusing to grow up? 
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I say more?

KimberlyRose

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Re: Gracefully handling a bait-and-switch
« Reply #33 on: August 10, 2010, 02:48:48 PM »
I've had guys tell me that it is to "weed out who is shallow" - thus accusing me of being shallow because I leave. I think they think that a girl who is not shallow would not leave because it wouldn't matter to them that the picture is different. But to me, how they look is not the issue - as PPs said it's the dishonesty.

Exactly.  They're not just weeding out the shallow people, they're weeding out the ones who have enough self respect to know they deserve a partner who's honest.  I'd also love to see their reaction if they responded to a listing where the woman posted a less-than-accurate photo.

jessikast

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Re: Gracefully handling a bait-and-switch
« Reply #34 on: August 10, 2010, 08:40:14 PM »
Well, Peter Pan and Dorian Gray were about the only two guys I can think of who didn't change much in appearance after a decade or two.  And they are FICTION!

What about Johnny Depp?  ;D

PeasNCues

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Re: Gracefully handling a bait-and-switch
« Reply #35 on: August 10, 2010, 08:58:11 PM »
Well, Peter Pan and Dorian Gray were about the only two guys I can think of who didn't change much in appearance after a decade or two.  And they are FICTION!

What about Johnny Depp?  ;D
Keanu Reeves? And Patrick Stewart!  ;D
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humbleonion

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Re: Gracefully handling a bait-and-switch
« Reply #36 on: August 10, 2010, 09:11:16 PM »


But are they trying to lie to "you" (generic) or themselves?  If they really think that they can "pass" for that age (and it's a decade or three younger than they really are) - does anyone want to deal with someone who is refusing to grow up? 

Ugg, my best friend dies this & it drives me cr-AAAAAAA-zy.  She'll list her age as 5-7 years younger.  She rationalizes it by saying that her mind-set is so much younger than her actual age.  I've tried to explain that a dude who's into her won't care about her age, and a dude who does won't be happy about being lied to.  She's very adept at the circular reasoning, so linear logic doesn't convince her too often.

PeasNCues

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Re: Gracefully handling a bait-and-switch
« Reply #37 on: August 11, 2010, 08:55:39 AM »


But are they trying to lie to "you" (generic) or themselves?  If they really think that they can "pass" for that age (and it's a decade or three younger than they really are) - does anyone want to deal with someone who is refusing to grow up? 

Ugg, my best friend dies this & it drives me cr-AAAAAAA-zy.  She'll list her age as 5-7 years younger.  She rationalizes it by saying that her mind-set is so much younger than her actual age.  I've tried to explain that a dude who's into her won't care about her age, and a dude who does won't be happy about being lied to.  She's very adept at the circular reasoning, so linear logic doesn't convince her too often.

My grandfather on my father's side won't let us call him "grandfather," we have to call him "uncle." He also would not claim my dad as his son after he reached 30. My dad doesn't even know how old he is because when asked, grandfather responsed "29."

He's long past the point where anyone's buying it, but he still tries to hold on to the illusion of youth. It got to the point where it was quite annoying and my family and I stopped going to see him, which is sad because he's now our only living grandfather.
'I shall sit here quietly by the fire for a bit, and perhaps go out later for a sniff of air.  Mind your Ps and Qs, and don't forget that you are supposed to be escaping in secret, and are still on the high-road and not very far from the Shire!' -FOTR

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BettyDraper

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Re: Gracefully handling a bait-and-switch
« Reply #38 on: August 11, 2010, 09:10:50 AM »
In addition to what PPs have said, I might inform the administrators of the site about your experience.  Different sites will handle this differently, of course, and many won't do anything at all.  However, if it is one of the few that takes an active interest, you might give them a heads up about the fraud being perpetrated on their site -- and you just might save another young woman from going through the same uncomfortable experience.

This is really a stretch.  It's human nature to kid oneself about one's appearance and about the aging process.  I thoroughly doubt that this man's motive was to perpetrate fraud; he's just insecure and trying to put his best food forward, in an awkward way. I bet half the people on any given site are prevaricating about height, weight, salary, age, marital status, you name it.  It goes with the territory.

I don't think any 'young woman' willing to do online relationship-seeking in the first place is going to be so traumatized by finding out that a blind date is older than expected that it's worth turning informant on the guy or attempting to have him sanctioned and scrutinized. 

rhirhi

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Re: Gracefully handling a bait-and-switch
« Reply #39 on: August 11, 2010, 03:58:59 PM »
Are you absolutely sure the picture and age are incorrect?

My exBF's brother's senior class picture looked nothing like him when I met him. But he was only a year or two older than the picture. He had begun balding and aging rather quickly. At 20, he could have *easily* passed for 35, especially once you started talking to him. He was (is) a very intelligent guy and since he went and shaved his head, he looks older than he really is.

miranova

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Re: Gracefully handling a bait-and-switch
« Reply #40 on: August 11, 2010, 07:20:16 PM »
About weeding out the shallow....my eyes rolled so far back into my head when I read that!!  That is a load of bull.  Anyone who lies to someone (and yes, posting a photo that is 10-15 years old is a lie in my book) and then accuses the other person of a character flaw for daring to not like being lied to is not ready for adult dating

Brentwood

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Re: Gracefully handling a bait-and-switch
« Reply #41 on: August 11, 2010, 07:53:39 PM »


But are they trying to lie to "you" (generic) or themselves?  If they really think that they can "pass" for that age (and it's a decade or three younger than they really are) - does anyone want to deal with someone who is refusing to grow up? 

Ugg, my best friend dies this & it drives me cr-AAAAAAA-zy.  She'll list her age as 5-7 years younger.  She rationalizes it by saying that her mind-set is so much younger than her actual age.  I've tried to explain that a dude who's into her won't care about her age, and a dude who does won't be happy about being lied to.  She's very adept at the circular reasoning, so linear logic doesn't convince her too often.

Her "mindset" may be younger than her actual age, but she's still the age she is. I don't why some people insist on lying about their age.

Raintree

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Re: Gracefully handling a bait-and-switch
« Reply #42 on: August 12, 2010, 01:53:25 AM »


But are they trying to lie to "you" (generic) or themselves?  If they really think that they can "pass" for that age (and it's a decade or three younger than they really are) - does anyone want to deal with someone who is refusing to grow up? 

Ugg, my best friend dies this & it drives me cr-AAAAAAA-zy.  She'll list her age as 5-7 years younger.  She rationalizes it by saying that her mind-set is so much younger than her actual age.  I've tried to explain that a dude who's into her won't care about her age, and a dude who does won't be happy about being lied to.  She's very adept at the circular reasoning, so linear logic doesn't convince her too often.

Her "mindset" may be younger than her actual age, but she's still the age she is. I don't why some people insist on lying about their age.

What I hate is, "I'm 45...but I act like I'm 30." (Or whatever age they are and claim to "act.")

So....they are saying they are immature?

Winterlight

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Re: Gracefully handling a bait-and-switch
« Reply #43 on: August 12, 2010, 11:31:11 AM »
OK, I've lied about my age. I claimed to be 15 years older than I really was.

A) I only did it with my friends
B) I only did it as a joke
C) I was in my thirties
D) I never carried it on past 2 minutes, by which point everyone was laughing

I'd never have done this on a dating site. People who want to date you want to date the real you- the current you. Maybe this person is a great guy/gal, but by starting out the relationship with a lie, they've proved to be potentially untrustworthy.

Don't even get me started on "weeding out the shallow."
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humbleonion

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Re: Gracefully handling a bait-and-switch
« Reply #44 on: August 12, 2010, 05:37:49 PM »


But are they trying to lie to "you" (generic) or themselves?  If they really think that they can "pass" for that age (and it's a decade or three younger than they really are) - does anyone want to deal with someone who is refusing to grow up? 

Ugg, my best friend dies this & it drives me cr-AAAAAAA-zy.  She'll list her age as 5-7 years younger.  She rationalizes it by saying that her mind-set is so much younger than her actual age.  I've tried to explain that a dude who's into her won't care about her age, and a dude who does won't be happy about being lied to.  She's very adept at the circular reasoning, so linear logic doesn't convince her too often.

Her "mindset" may be younger than her actual age, but she's still the age she is. I don't why some people insist on lying about their age.

What I hate is, "I'm 45...but I act like I'm 30." (Or whatever age they are and claim to "act.")

So....they are saying they are immature?

Heh.  There is a certain immaturity to it, isn't there?  She's never been able to convice me that it's a reasonable thing to do, and I've never been able to convince her that she's completely wrong & she should just do what I tell her.  ;)

But I've also never heard her tell me about people who objected to the deception, and I don't know if that's because no one's told her that they had a problem with it, or if it's because she didn't want the "I told you so*".   I don't know if she rationalizes it away or pretends it didn't happen or decides that those suitors were just shallow or what.  OP, I wonder if your date has any sense of your discomfort.  Will he continue to use that same photo, or find one more appropriate?

Quote
OK, I've lied about my age. I claimed to be 15 years older than I really was.

I lost all urge to claim to be older as soon as I turned 21.  Funny how that happens!  ;D

*Not that I'd say that to her.  But she'd know I was thinking it.