Gracefully handling a bait-and-switch

[Brentwood]

What I hate is, "I'm 45...but I act like I'm 30." (Or whatever age they are and claim to "act.")

So....they are saying they are immature?

That bugs me too, because what does it even mean? What is the material difference between "acting" 30 and "acting" 45? How does a 30yo act vs. a 45yo? It just seems to perpetuate the idea that there's something wrong with being the age one is.

[Brentwood]

OK, I've lied about my age. I claimed to be 15 years older than I really was.

A) I only did it with my friends
B) I only did it as a joke
C) I was in my thirties
D) I never carried it on past 2 minutes, by which point everyone was laughing

Well, that's a little different.

[Allyson]

I find the people out there who go on about how 'shallow' someone is if they're uninterested are often the same people who will reject for looks themselves. Reminds me of those movies about the 'dorky' guy going for the 'hot' girl, where she gets a lesson about being shallow and rejects her attractive-but-jerky boyfriend for the dork. Who only likes her because she's hot! Ah, double standards....

[Lynda_34]

In the words of the great Jimmy Buffet, "I'm growing older but not up." There are a lot of ways to encourage youthful ness without lying.

[PeasNCues]

Re: the shallow thing.

I always thought if they were really trying to weed out the shallow ones, wouldn't they post a horrible picture of themselves? People who still go out with them wouldn't be doing it for their looks.

And I always thought that people go out with men/women they are attracted to. It's not shallow. Personally, I like larger men, so that works out for me. But, I know many women who are def not attracted to larger men. That doesn't make then shallow!

[Larrabee]

In addition to what PPs have said, I might inform the administrators of the site about your experience.  Different sites will handle this differently, of course, and many won't do anything at all.  However, if it is one of the few that takes an active interest, you might give them a heads up about the fraud being perpetrated on their site -- and you just might save another young woman from going through the same uncomfortable experience.

This is really a stretch.  It's human nature to kid oneself about one's appearance and about the aging process.  I thoroughly doubt that this man's motive was to perpetrate fraud; he's just insecure and trying to put his best food forward, in an awkward way. I bet half the people on any given site are prevaricating about height, weight, salary, age, marital status, you name it.  It goes with the territory.

I don't think any 'young woman' willing to do online rel@tionship-seeking in the first place is going to be so traumatized by finding out that a blind date is older than expected that it's worth turning informant on the guy or attempting to have him sanctioned and scrutinized. 

As a 'young woman' who is currently doing the online dating thing, I'm not quite sure what you mean by this, could you clarify? 

I'm not going to be 'traumatized' by someone lying, but I am going to be annoyed, to have wasted time and energy, possibly have got my hopes up for no good reason and, well, I'll have been lied to! 

Of course we all put our most flattering photos up there and try to emphasise the best things about our character, but outright deception and blatant misrepresentation is really something else altogether.  The old view of online dating and all the old jokes were based around the idea that someone could post a photo of a model and claim to be a 25 year old multi-millionaire airline pilot when in fact they're a 70 year old fantasist.  The dating sites are pretty serious about combating that particular stereotype and I completely understand why. 

I'd report him.

[Larrabee]

Re: the shallow thing.

I always thought if they were really trying to weed out the shallow ones, wouldn't they post a horrible picture of themselves? People who still go out with them wouldn't be doing it for their looks.

And I always thought that people go out with men/women they are attracted to. It's not shallow. Personally, I like larger men, so that works out for me. But, I know many women who are def not attracted to larger men. That doesn't make then shallow!

I like guys with beards and glasses, you don't have to have stereotypically hollywood good looks for someone out there to find you attractive.  You can see this for yourself by sitting in a public park and watching couples walk by.

[BettyDraper]

In addition to what PPs have said, I might inform the administrators of the site about your experience.  Different sites will handle this differently, of course, and many won't do anything at all.  However, if it is one of the few that takes an active interest, you might give them a heads up about the fraud being perpetrated on their site -- and you just might save another young woman from going through the same uncomfortable experience.

This is really a stretch.  It's human nature to kid oneself about one's appearance and about the aging process.  I thoroughly doubt that this man's motive was to perpetrate fraud; he's just insecure and trying to put his best food forward, in an awkward way. I bet half the people on any given site are prevaricating about height, weight, salary, age, marital status, you name it.  It goes with the territory.

I don't think any 'young woman' willing to do online rel@tionship-seeking in the first place is going to be so traumatized by finding out that a blind date is older than expected that it's worth turning informant on the guy or attempting to have him sanctioned and scrutinized. 

As a 'young woman' who is currently doing the online d@ting thing, I'm not quite sure what you mean by this, could you clarify? 

I'm not going to be 'traumatized' by someone lying, but I am going to be annoyed, to have wasted time and energy, possibly have got my hopes up for no good reason and, well, I'll have been lied to! 

Of course we all put our most flattering photos up there and try to emphasise the best things about our character, but outright deception and blatant misrepresentation is really something else altogether.  The old view of online d@ting and all the old jokes were based around the idea that someone could post a photo of a model and claim to be a 25 year old multi-millionaire airline pilot when in fact they're a 70 year old fantasist.  The d@ting sites are pretty serious about combating that particular stereotype and I completely understand why. 

I'd report him.

To each her own.  I just don't see it as that big of a deal and wouldn't be so put out that I'd "report" him.  But then I'm not a big fan of rushing to authority for every little transgression in human relationships, be that authority the police, "HR" or the local homeowners association. Or the executives of a for-profit dating site.  I think it's better to give people's motives the benefit of the doubt and handle things directly when possible.  Plus, the "deception" of posting a youthful looking pix on a dating site is not going to rile me up or make me think the person is a would-be adulterer, tax cheater, serial killer or identity thief whom others need to be warned of. 

[Danismom]

In addition to what PPs have said, I might inform the administrators of the site about your experience.  Different sites will handle this differently, of course, and many won't do anything at all.  However, if it is one of the few that takes an active interest, you might give them a heads up about the fraud being perpetrated on their site -- and you just might save another young woman from going through the same uncomfortable experience.

This is really a stretch.  It's human nature to kid oneself about one's appearance and about the aging process.  I thoroughly doubt that this man's motive was to perpetrate fraud; he's just insecure and trying to put his best food forward, in an awkward way. I bet half the people on any given site are prevaricating about height, weight, salary, age, marital status, you name it.  It goes with the territory.

I don't think any 'young woman' willing to do online rel@tionship-seeking in the first place is going to be so traumatized by finding out that a blind date is older than expected that it's worth turning informant on the guy or attempting to have him sanctioned and scrutinized. 

As a 'young woman' who is currently doing the online d@ting thing, I'm not quite sure what you mean by this, could you clarify? 

I'm not going to be 'traumatized' by someone lying, but I am going to be annoyed, to have wasted time and energy, possibly have got my hopes up for no good reason and, well, I'll have been lied to! 

Of course we all put our most flattering photos up there and try to emphasise the best things about our character, but outright deception and blatant misrepresentation is really something else altogether.  The old view of online d@ting and all the old jokes were based around the idea that someone could post a photo of a model and claim to be a 25 year old multi-millionaire airline pilot when in fact they're a 70 year old fantasist.  The d@ting sites are pretty serious about combating that particular stereotype and I completely understand why. 

I'd report him.

To each her own.  I just don't see it as that big of a deal and wouldn't be so put out that I'd "report" him.  But then I'm not a big fan of rushing to authority for every little transgression in human rel@tionships, be that authority the police, "HR" or the local homeowners association. Or the executives of a for-profit d@ting site.  I think it's better to give people's motives the benefit of the doubt and handle things directly when possible.  Plus, the "deception" of posting a youthful looking pix on a d@ting site is not going to rile me up or make me think the person is a would-be adulterer, tax cheater, serial killer or identity thief whom others need to be warned of. 

No one has said, that I can remember reading, that this guy is a would-be adulterer, tax cheater, serial killer, or identity thief.  The problem is that a key expectation of anyone looking for a connection on this kind of service is that all participants are honest about themselves.  Sure everyone will paint themselves in the best light possible.  But for basic facts:  Age, marital status, etc (perhaps religion, ethnicity, etc) there isn't a way to "spin" it.  You tell the facts.  If you don't, you are lying.  I would think that such sites have some kind of honesty clause in their terms of agreement which the lying is violating.

Honesty is expected, especially if it is part of the terms of agreement.  That you would rather just turn your head and let him prey on others is your choice.  Personally, I would take a stand to protect other women from investing their time and energy in someone and getting their hopes up when he is not in actuality what he claims to be.  While your choice may not be rude, I do find it to be selfish.

[KimberlyRose]

I always thought if they were really trying to weed out the shallow ones, wouldn't they post a horrible picture of themselves? People who still go out with them wouldn't be doing it for their looks.

And I always thought that people go out with men/women they are attracted to. It's not shallow. Personally, I like larger men, so that works out for me. But, I know many women who are def not attracted to larger men. That doesn't make then shallow!

And there's the irony: say a man has, in the last few years, put on a lot of weight.  He decides to put up a pre-weight gain photo, and in doing so, "weeds out" people who are more likely to be attracted to him as he is now.

[BettyDraper]

In addition to what PPs have said, I might inform the administrators of the site about your experience.  Different sites will handle this differently, of course, and many won't do anything at all.  However, if it is one of the few that takes an active interest, you might give them a heads up about the fraud being perpetrated on their site -- and you just might save another young woman from going through the same uncomfortable experience.

This is really a stretch.  It's human nature to kid oneself about one's appearance and about the aging process.  I thoroughly doubt that this man's motive was to perpetrate fraud; he's just insecure and trying to put his best food forward, in an awkward way. I bet half the people on any given site are prevaricating about height, weight, salary, age, marital status, you name it.  It goes with the territory.

I don't think any 'young woman' willing to do online rel@tionship-seeking in the first place is going to be so traumatized by finding out that a blind date is older than expected that it's worth turning informant on the guy or attempting to have him sanctioned and scrutinized. 

As a 'young woman' who is currently doing the online d@ting thing, I'm not quite sure what you mean by this, could you clarify? 

I'm not going to be 'traumatized' by someone lying, but I am going to be annoyed, to have wasted time and energy, possibly have got my hopes up for no good reason and, well, I'll have been lied to! 

Of course we all put our most flattering photos up there and try to emphasise the best things about our character, but outright deception and blatant misrepresentation is really something else altogether.  The old view of online d@ting and all the old jokes were based around the idea that someone could post a photo of a model and claim to be a 25 year old multi-millionaire airline pilot when in fact they're a 70 year old fantasist.  The d@ting sites are pretty serious about combating that particular stereotype and I completely understand why. 

I'd report him.

To each her own.  I just don't see it as that big of a deal and wouldn't be so put out that I'd "report" him.  But then I'm not a big fan of rushing to authority for every little transgression in human rel@tionships, be that authority the police, "HR" or the local homeowners association. Or the executives of a for-profit d@ting site.  I think it's better to give people's motives the benefit of the doubt and handle things directly when possible.  Plus, the "deception" of posting a youthful looking pix on a d@ting site is not going to rile me up or make me think the person is a would-be adulterer, tax cheater, serial killer or identity thief whom others need to be warned of. 

No one has said, that I can remember reading, that this guy is a would-be adulterer, tax cheater, serial killer, or identity thief.  The problem is that a key expectation of anyone looking for a connection on this kind of service is that all participants are honest about themselves.  Sure everyone will paint themselves in the best light possible.  But for basic facts:  Age, marital status, etc (perhaps religion, ethnicity, etc) there isn't a way to "spin" it.  You tell the facts.  If you don't, you are lying.  I would think that such sites have some kind of honesty clause in their terms of agreement which the lying is violating.

Honesty is expected, especially if it is part of the terms of agreement.  That you would rather just turn your head and let him prey on others is your choice.  Personally, I would take a stand to protect other women from investing their time and energy in someone and getting their hopes up when he is not in actuality what he claims to be.  While your choice may not be rude, I do find it to be selfish.

I don't know that everyone IS looking for honesty as a primary trait -- many may be; others might just be out for a good time.  I'd rather have an amusing date who lied about his age than a dud who told the truth about everything.  So the theory that a "white lie" is always a negative doesn't hold with me.  As to adulterer, serial killer, etc. -- other PPs have ominously said, in effect, "if he will lie about that, who knows what else he will lie about," implying that a social lie about one's age is a precursor to lies about more serious things.

Again, online daters are free to set whatever standards they like and more power to anyone who insists on a birth-certificate check and other bona fides -- but keep in mind that some people are merely looking for interesting companionship, in whatever guise it comes, and not all that concerned about vital statistics.  That's why I advocate chalking it up to experience rather than informing on the person. 

[PeasNCues]

Birth certificates checks? All I really want, if a guy is looking for a relationship, is that he stay within the reasonable physical approximation of what their account portrays him as.

Furthermore, between a dud who didn't lie and an amusing guy who did, I would prefer the dud because at least that is a personality incompatibility over a guy who doesn't seem to have much respect for me if he will blatantly lie about something he would get called out on within 2 minutes.

What I took "what else would he lie about" as was, "his page said he had a degree and work ______. Is that true? Is he really never married/no kids?"

[BettyDraper]

Some people do credit checks and other types of background checks on potential dates, yes. 

Not everyone is looking for the same level of companionship/relationship.  I personally couldn't care less if someone feels the need to lie about the college degree he supposedly earned 25 years ago or his work history -- it might be a bit quirky but I wouldn't be looking for someone on the basis of his earning power, so the entertainment factor would outweigh the weirdness.  Embellishing one's past doesn't strike me as "lack of respect" and I wouldn't turn informant or consider he was "preying" on me as someone above put it.

Again, if honesty is the No. 1 trait you are looking for, reconciling the stated age to the way the guy looks in person, and quizzing him about any discrepancy, is probably a good idea.  I just don't go for "reporting" him if you don't like what you learn. Walk away.

[Larrabee]

Some people do credit checks and other types of background checks on potential dates, yes. 

Not everyone is looking for the same level of companionship/rel@tionship.  I personally couldn't care less if someone feels the need to lie about the college degree he supposedly earned 25 years ago or his work history -- it might be a bit quirky but I wouldn't be looking for someone on the basis of his earning power, so the entertainment factor would outweigh the weirdness.  Embellishing one's past doesn't strike me as "lack of respect" and I wouldn't turn informant or consider he was "preying" on me as someone above put it.

Again, if honesty is the No. 1 trait you are looking for, reconciling the stated age to the way the guy looks in person, and quizzing him about any discrepancy, is probably a good idea.  I just don't go for "reporting" him if you don't like what you learn. Walk away.

I care about honesty because I want to actually know the person I'm talking to!  If they say on their profile they're a 30 year old engineer who grew up in London and has no children, then in person they're a 45 year old who says they're a nurse from Scotland with a 5 year old child, well that just leaves me confused.  How do I even know that the second version is true?

I don't care if you're from Scotland or London, but I want to get to know you, hear about your childhood, your studies, your travels, know how your experiences made you who you are and to be able to figure out what we have in common on several levels.  I don't want to have to be keeping track of what's true and what isn't, and second guessing everything you tell me because you have a history of 'white lies'.

I think there's a huge difference between wanting to be able to simply take someone at their word and doing a credit check for goodness sake!

[PeasNCues]

BettyDraper, can you stop with the hyperbole, please?

There is a huge difference between:

• background checks
• Birth certificates checks
• credit checks
• thinking a date a would-be adulterer, tax cheater, serial killer or identity thief

And just wanting the most basic of facts about someone you're supposed to be trying to connect with.